The Single Mums' Book Club

by Victoria Cooke

  An owl hoots and wind rustles the dry leaves on the trees. I hold my bag tight to my body and allow my eyes to dart around the pitch-black as I pick up my pace. The sparsely dotted trees thicken up towards the end of the path, blocking any moonlight that broke through the navy clouds. I slow down and strain my ears for voices. Silence. Heart racing, I carry on. In just a few minutes, I’ll be through the park and back under the comfort of the streetlamps. As I near the gate, I get a whiff of something familiar. Marijuana. Then, a noise. The low murmur of voices. My blood runs cold through my veins. I contemplate turning back but that means walking all the way through the park and I’m so close to home. Just a street away. It’s probably just a few teenagers enjoying a spliff. It doesn’t mean they … I can’t bring myself to think the words.

  I slide my hand in my bag and wrap my fingers around my personal alarm. As I near the exit, I can make out the outline of two figures leaning at either side of the opening in the iron fence. Their silhouettes illuminated by the orange glow of the lamppost. There are houses just a few metres away, across the road. Surely, if I were to scream or use my alarm, someone would come?

  I glance behind me. The memory of that tall, scrawny teen coming up behind me and Mum floods back to me. My mouth is dry and blood thumps my eardrums. There’s nothing there but darkness. Holding my alarm in one hand and my door keys in the other, I walk towards the men.

  My senses are heightened as I approach them quietly. If they don’t know I’m coming, they can’t plan anything and by the time they see me, I’ll be on a residential street. As I put down my foot with the broken shoe, it slips. It must be wet leaves or something on the path but whatever it is, I can’t get purchase and the stubby nail where my heel used to be scrapes along the ground loudly.

  ‘Fuck was that?’ one of the voices says.

  Shit. Shit. Shit. What do I do now? Running back towards the woods is a bad idea. I force myself to keep walking.

  ‘Some pissed bird,’ the other one says. My heart is hammering so hard it might break out of my ribcage. I’m close now. Close enough to take in their laid-back postures. Perhaps they are just having a smoke and a chat.

  As I pass them, my legs start to tremble. My fingers are poised and ready to pull the pin out of my alarm. I fix my eyes on the houses ahead that are just a few metres away.

  ‘You all right, love?’ one of the blokes asks. I glance at him. A thick beanstalk of fear has climbed my throat and entwined itself around my vocal cords, rendering them useless. I slip again on my stupid shoe and a hand grabs my elbow firmly. My body convulses and my legs give way. Another hand grabs me from the other side and I yank the pin out of my alarm.

  ‘What the …’

  ‘Easy, love. Just trying to help.’

  I can only just hear them over the ear-piercing screech of the alarm. A few windows illuminate in the houses across the way. A front door opens and the hands slide away. The two men run off.

  ‘Is everything all right?’ the man in the house shouts. With trembling fingers, it takes a couple of tries to put the pin back in the alarm and silence the thing. My ears still ring the same pitch as the alarm.

  ‘Yes. Sorry. It was a misunderstanding.’

  He eyes me for a second then nods. As he closes the door, I carry on walking home. My whole body is shaking, but it’s no longer the violent shakes of fear, it’s the jelly-like wobble of shock and humiliation. Warm moisture seeps from my eyes and rolls down my cheeks. So much emotion hits me all at once. I’m embarrassed, incompetent, damaged … I can’t go on like this and the one person who makes me feel complete and sane and normal and all the things I want to be has gone. The tears turn into heaving sobs. I must look a right state stumbling home like this.

  My house is visible now. Just a few more metres and this will all be over, for now. My keys are still in my hand so as I climb the steps, I don’t pause to find them. As I near the top step, someone steps out of the shadows.

  ‘Steph?’

  I jump out of my skin.

  Chapter 49

  ‘Steph, it’s just me, Edward. Your friend Janey rang the out-of-hours number and said you might need me.’

  I look up and I can just about make out the comforting familiarity of his eyes.

  ‘What’s happened to you?’ He places two firm hands on my shoulders and I can’t help it, I collapse into him and sob softly. Gently, he unfurls my fingers from my keys and manoeuvres me so he can reach the door to open it. Then, he scoops me up into his arms and carries me inside. I let my head fall to his shoulder. His familiar scent washes away all the anxiety and trauma from my walk home.

  ‘Are you hurt?’ His eyebrows press together as he looks me over. I shake my head.

  ‘I’m going to run you a bath,’ he says, climbing the stairs two at a time. I haven’t spoken a word since I got home and when I whisper a quiet thank you, it sounds louder and sharper than it should. He lays me on the bed and goes into the bathroom. The sound of water streaming from the taps soon follows. I sit up to slide off my dress. My reflection stares back at me from the mirrored wardrobe door and it’s as bad as I expected. Black streaks have cut trails through my foundation and blusher, smudged lipstick and wild hair make me look almost as bad as I feel. I peel off my clothes and put on my bathrobe. I’m securing the belt as Edward knocks softly on the door.

  ‘You can come in,’ I say.

  ‘Your bath is ready. I’ll go and make some tea.’ When his footsteps reach the bottom of the stairs, I lower myself into the steaming water. It’s hot and my skin reddens but I quite enjoy the feeling. He’s put some sort of bubble bath in, probably an old Christmas gift he found in the cupboard. I rarely take a bath – you don’t get a chance with three kids dictating your every minute – but I could get used to this. For a few moments, I can forget about what a tit I made of myself in the park. I rest my head back and close my eyes.

  I don’t know how much time passes but there’s a knock on the door. The water is suddenly tepid. I glance down at myself and there are still enough bubbles to cover me. ‘Come in.’

  ‘I wasn’t sure if you might want your tea in the bath,’ Edward says. He’s holding a cup in one hand and is shielding his eyes with the other.

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘I’ll just leave it …’ He trails off.

  ‘It’s okay. The bubbles are shielding my modesty. You don’t need to cover your eyes,’ I say.

  Tentatively, he lowers his hand. He still won’t look at me but he does spot the windowsill next to the bath and sets the tea down there. Then he turns to leave.

  ‘Can you stay?’ I ask.

  ‘Yes, I was going to wait downstairs.’

  ‘No. I mean can you stay here with me now.’

  His Adam’s apple rises and falls as he thinks for a moment and I instantly want to take the words back. If he says no it will be awkward. I’ll feel like some sort of crap temptress.

  Eventually, he nods and my tense body relaxes. He closes the toilet lid and sits down on it then crosses his legs before uncrossing them straight away.

  ‘What happened tonight?’ he asks.

  ‘Nothing,’ I say honestly.

  ‘Nothing doesn’t have you running home in floods of tears in a broken shoe.’ The muscles in his jaw flex.

  ‘I mean it was over nothing. I ran out of money for a cab and had to walk part of the way home. It was dark and my imagination got the better of me. There were two men in the park smoking weed and I panicked – the smell brings back memories of …’

  He crouches at the side of the bath and strokes my face. ‘Oh, Steph. You should have called me.’

  ‘You were ignoring my calls and messages and emails, remember.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he says quietly, resuming his seat on the toilet lid.

  ‘Why did you come?’ I ask. I’d been so grateful to see him there when I got home, that I didn’t think to ask.

  He’s looking down at his lap where his resting hands are intertwined.
‘I checked my emails.’

  My mind races backwards through the week. The only email I sent was the one telling him to get his butt back to work. I’m not sure that warranted a late-night visit.

  ‘I know you’ve been applying for new jobs. I had a reference request through.’

  Oh. That. ‘I panicked. What was I supposed to think when you disappeared at the first sign of trouble? A dog almost died.’ Thankfully, Carly told me that Edward came and saved the day but not before almost giving me a heart attack.

  He drops his head in his hands. ‘I know. What I did was stupid. I know Mike wanted you back and I just wanted to give you space. I wanted you to make a decision without me influencing any part of it.’

  ‘Mike didn’t want that,’ I say in a frustrated tone. I’m fed up with the conversation.

  ‘I know. I read your message this evening.’

  ‘And how about Stacy? I saw her at your house with flowers. You invited her in. Are you back together?’

  He furrows his brow and then understanding registers. ‘No. Not at all. She came to get her picnic basket. I invited her in because I knew I’d have to root around in the pantry to find it and didn’t want to leave her standing outside. She’d brought flowers to thank me for setting her up with Dave. The two of them really hit it off. She’d also brought soup because she knew I was ill.’

  From what little I know of her, it sounds plausible.

  ‘So what now?’ I ask. How can Edward and I go back to what we had when the first bump in the road sends him flying off course like a kite in a hurricane?

  ‘I suppose I need to apologise. I’m sorry. My behaviour was inexcusable. I just didn’t want to be the guy who begs you to choose him. I knew I couldn’t offer you your perfect family like Mike could and I was coming to terms with that.’

  I give my head a little shake. ‘I’m not really sure what this means for us if pets have to almost die every time we have a row.’

  He tilts his head to the side. ‘It wasn’t a row, Steph. This was the father of your three children saying he wants to start again.’

  I glance at the thinning bubbles and reposition them with my hands. ‘I suppose I can see why you were upset.’

  ‘I could have handled it better and I shouldn’t have taken time off work. I’ve never done anything like that before. If any creature had died because I wasn’t there, I’d never have forgiven myself.’

  ‘No harm done in the end.’

  A few moments pass. ‘I don’t want you to leave the practice. No matter what happens between us, I love the team we’ve got.’

  I swirl the water with my hand and notice the bubbles are dissolving at a rapid rate. ‘I think I’d better get out.’ Edward’s eyes widen. ‘Of the bath, I mean.’

  He rises to his feet. ‘I’ll let you get dressed.’

  ‘Will you be here when I come down?’

  He gives a small smile. ‘If you want me to be?’

  I nod. ‘I do.’

  Chapter 50

  I towel-dry my hair and wrap my dressing gown around me before heading downstairs. As I near the bottom, I slow down. It’s so quiet, I wonder if he’s had second thoughts and gone again. The lounge light is off, so I head towards the kitchen clutching my dressing gown tightly as I walk in. To my relief, he’s still here, sitting at the table reading a newspaper. The teapot sits in the centre with a reassuring ribbon of steam travelling out of its spout. I grab a cup and sit down.

  ‘I feel better for that,’ I say to break the silence.

  ‘I’m glad I was here, you seemed so upset.’ Edward lowers his paper and folds it, placing it down on the table. He adjusts the position so its corner is square to the table edge.

  ‘I’m glad you were here too.’ Although in hindsight, I’m embarrassed about the state he saw me in. I can’t believe I set off my alarm. I’m such a fool but I am glad Edward was here. I can’t imagine wanting any other person here comforting me and the thought of coming home and being alone is unbearable.

  Edward covers my hand with his. ‘Listen, I don’t want you to leave the practice but it was wrong of me to ask you to stay. You should do what feels right for you and the kids.’

  ‘I don’t want to leave either,’ I whisper. I’ve come to love my job. I love being around the people there and I love the clients, especially the furry ones, which surprises me. Most of all, I know how unbearable it will be not seeing Edward every day. Whatever happens.

  ‘Then don’t.’ His eyes are so intent on mine the intangible contact makes my body tingle. It’s so intense, I want to look away because the feeling is unbearable, but at the same time, I can’t because I don’t want to break the spell. It feels like we’re talking about more than the job now.

  ‘I’ve missed you this week,’ I say.

  ‘I’ve missed you too. It’s been hell.’

  ‘Can we sit outside?’

  He looks surprised but doesn’t say anything. He stands up and holds out his hand for me and when I take it, he leads me out to the swinging chair. We sit down and, as he puts an arm over my shoulder, I snuggle into the nook of his armpit. The sky is an intense navy and the moon is full and bright. It’s beautiful.

  ‘Are you okay out here?’ he asks.

  ‘Yes. Strangely, I was just thinking about how pretty the night sky is. Is it weird to admire and fear something at the same time?’

  ‘Not at all.’

  ‘I lost my mum on a night like this, but sitting here now doesn’t make me sad anymore. I like to think of her up there somewhere.’

  ‘Perhaps she is.’

  I tilt my head a little so I can just about see Edward’s face. ‘I might be afraid of the dark when I’m outside and all alone but that’s nothing compared to the darkness that consumed me all the time when you weren’t around. That terrified me.’

  He sweeps the hair from my face and kisses my forehead and whispers, ‘I want to be here for you. Always. If you’ll have me of course.’

  I’m light-headed and dizzy. My brain seems to have forgotten how to function. All I know is that I want Edward in my life more than anything and I’m willing to take a chance on him. He sets parts of my body alight that I thought died years ago. He’s kind and thoughtful and he always puts me first, no matter what. I’m ready to bring him into all of our lives, slowly of course, with plenty of tact and love. The kids accepted Kate pretty quickly. Perhaps I feared for them much more than they ever feared for themselves. I think now Mike and I are in a good place; in time, we could be some sort of big happy family. I do need some reassurances though.

  ‘Mike is always going to be in my life. Some, albeit small,’ and very much above the waistline, ‘part of me will always love him. Can you promise that you won’t have a huge wobble and disappear again? The kids can’t have that kind of instability in their lives. Heck, I can’t have that kind of instability in my life.’

  He stands up, takes me by the hand, and leads me to the fence at the end of the garden. The river bubbles lightly and a gentle breeze toys with the leaves in the nearby white willow trees. I can just make out their dark outline against the inky sky. Edward pulls my hands in close so we’re facing one another.

  ‘I promise it wasn’t a wobble. I really did just want to give you space. I switched my phone off because I knew if I spoke to you I wouldn’t be able to help myself in telling you how I felt and it wasn’t about me. I’m not going to pretend it wasn’t killing me staying away from you.’ He pulls me closer. ‘Not knowing whether you and Mike were trying again was hell but I was doing it with good intentions. In hindsight, I should have spoken to you first. I acted like an idiot and I’m really not that guy.’

  ‘I know you’re not.’ I rest my forehead on his chest. He steps in, closing the last few inches between us so the length of my torso is touching his, then cups my face in his hands. I get that weird magnetism again when our eyes meet. The ripples of anticipation ride through me, and my knees weaken as if they might give way. He brushes his tongue ov
er his lips. Cupping my face with both his hands, he brings his lips to mine. Warm and moist they glide smoothly across mine, falling in sync instantaneously.

  The kiss is intense, breathy and hot. I pull his T-shirt wanting his body even closer although it’s not physically possible. I wrap my leg around his waist and he lifts me up so I can wrap the other one around too. My fingers knot in his hair now and I run them down the sides of his face through his soft stubble as he carries me to the bedroom.

  Chapter 51

  I run my hand over the fine hair on Edward’s warm chest and snuggle into the nook of his arm. Waking up next to Edward is like sleeping on silk sheets after having a full body wax. It’s delicious. Everything about his smell and the warmth of his body is a comfort to me. It’s more than that – I want to drink him in and inhale him at the same time. Any worries I had seem to have vanished like they’ve been hit with an Oxy-Action spray. I think if we can move past this bump in the road we’ll be stronger. We’ve learnt early on that we have to be open and honest. If we start in such a healthy way, we’ll be building on strong foundations. It’s so right. Every molecule in my body is tuned into it and it’s so powerful. More so than when Mike and I were together.

  Perhaps I just wanted a protector all those years ago. I was never scared to be out at night with Mike by my side and maybe I mistook safety for something more in the early days. With Edward it’s different. It’s a raw and unfiltered kind of love that grew from physical and mental attraction. I’m no expert but I think that’s how it’s supposed to be. It’s why I’ve decided to see someone about my fears. I don’t want Edward to be my crutch; I want him as my equal.