The One Who's Not the One: A feel-good, laugh-out-loud romantic comedy

by Keris Stainton

  ‘So where are we having dinner?’ Harvey said.

  They were dressed again and even though Harvey looked really bloody good in a long-sleeved grey jumper and a navy coat, Cat found she was disappointed he was wearing clothes. That was probably a bad sign. Although he did look good out of them.

  ‘Tonight?’ Cat asked.

  ‘Unless you’ve got other plans?’ Harvey said. ‘Sorry, I didn’t even think, I—’

  ‘No,’ Cat said. ‘Tonight’s fine. Tonight’s good.’

  ‘I thought we could walk up to this place I know in Marylebone,’ Harvey said. ‘Be about ten minutes’ walk?’

  ‘Sounds good.’ Cat pulled her coat a little tighter around herself.

  ‘Freezing, right?’ Harvey said.

  He pulled a black beanie out of his pocket and put it on, pulling it low on his forehead. It suited him.

  ‘At least it’s not snowing,’ Cat said, as they started walking.

  ‘It’s meant to snow tomorrow, I think,’ Harvey said. ‘Or maybe next week?’

  ‘Ugh,’ Cat said.

  ‘You don’t like snow?’ Harvey turned to look at her, his eyebrows pulled together.

  ‘No? It’s cold and wet and it fucks up the Tube and makes me late for work.’

  ‘All fair points,’ Harvey said. ‘But consider this: it’s magic.’

  Cat laughed. ‘Is it fuck.’

  They stopped at a pedestrian crossing and Cat’s phone started ringing.

  ‘Sorry,’ she said, pulling it out of her pocket and rejecting the call.

  ‘You could have got that,’ Harvey said. ‘I don’t mind.’

  Cat shook her head. ‘It’s my dad. He’s called a lot and I haven’t decided what I want to say to him yet so I’ve just been, sort of, ignoring him.’

  ‘Healthy,’ Harvey said.

  ‘I know.’

  The lights changed and they started to cross.

  ‘Sorry,’ Harvey said. ‘I didn’t mean to intrud—’

  ‘No, it’s fine. I just… I don’t really want to talk about him, if that’s OK?’

  ‘Course,’ Harvey said. ‘Sorry.’

  Cat reached for his arm and squeezed it quickly, just above the elbow. ‘It’s OK, really. Sorry if I sounded snotty.’

  ‘You didn’t. I know families can be tricky.’

  He obviously realised what he’d alluded to just as he said it and made a small groaning sound.

  Cat laughed. ‘Yeah, I think we should keep that subject off the table.’

  They walked in silence for a while and Cat tried to think what Sam would say if he knew she was out with Harvey. If he knew they’d spent the day together and were going out to dinner. Nothing was going to happen between them, Cat knew that, but she didn’t think Sam would like it anyway. She wouldn’t. If it was her.

  ‘It’s just here,’ Harvey said a little later, pointing at a small, cosy-looking restaurant on the corner. Cat followed him inside, unbuttoning her coat.

  ‘Harvey!’ A waiter – short and cute with closely shaved hair and a wide smile – crossed the room towards them.

  ‘Hey!’ Harvey said, beaming. ‘Good to see you.’

  ‘Where’ve you been?’ the waiter asked. ‘It’s been too long.’

  ‘Busy with work,’ Harvey said. He turned and took Cat’s coat, hanging it up on a coat stand just inside the door. ‘This is Cat. Cat, this is Charlie.’

  ‘Great to meet you,’ Charlie said. ‘Usual table?’

  Cat followed the two of them across the room to a table in the far corner, under a mirror festooned with stickers, flyers, and fake flowers.

  Harvey pulled Cat’s chair out for her and she sat down with her back to the rest of the room.

  ‘Is this OK?’ Harvey asked her. ‘The food’s really great.’

  ‘Can I get you drinks first?’ Charlie asked.

  Charlie and Harvey chatted while Cat looked at the menu and then ordered a glass of red.

  ‘I was going to get red too,’ Harvey said. ‘Want to split a bottle?’

  Twenty

  By the time the starters had arrived, Cat had downed a full glass and laughed so hard that she’d spat a bit of bread at Harvey. He hadn’t even flinched as he’d brushed it off the table, grinning at her, chewing his own bit of bread roll. He looked sexy when he smiled and chewed, Cat didn’t know why – it should be disgusting, like talking with your mouth full, but it wasn’t.

  ‘Is this your “first date” restaurant then?’ Cat asked, cutting into her scallops. She almost hadn’t ordered them because she’d read somewhere that scallops and pea puree was ‘basic’ but fuck it, she liked them and she’d never cook them at home cos she was scared of poisoning herself. Also, she didn’t know how to puree a pea. ‘Not that I’m saying this is a date. I know it’s not a date.’

  Harvey had the decency to look a little shamefaced. ‘It’s not, like, a thing. But I did used to come here with my ex-girlfriend a bit, yeah. She lived on a mews off Marylebone Road.’

  ‘Blimey!’ Cat said. ‘Was she a princess?’

  ‘She was, um, quite posh, yeah.’

  ‘Bloody hell.’ Cat shook her head. ‘I live in Queen’s Park… for now at least. I’m not posh.’

  ‘I know,’ Harvey said. ‘But you’re nice. She was horrible.’

  ‘To you?’ Cat couldn’t imagine it.

  Harvey nodded. ‘Yep. Not at first. Well. A bit. I mean, she could be really great. But then she’d be awful. And then she was awful more than she was great. And then she slept with one of my friends, so.’ He shrugged.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Cat said.

  ‘What about you? When was your last, um…’

  They both realised at the same time that this probably was another conversational avenue they couldn’t go down.

  ‘Does he know we’re here?’ Cat asked. ‘Did you tell him you were seeing me?’

  Harvey shook his head. ‘I’ve learned my lesson on telling my family stuff.’

  Cat smiled. ‘I don’t know what to say. About Sam. I mean, I don’t think he’d like it? If he knew we were…’ She shook her head. ‘Actually, that’s just cos I wouldn’t. I mean, I haven’t got a sister, but if Kelly and Sean split – which will never happen; they’re like the Posh and Becks of Crouch End – but if they did, and Kelly started going out with Sam… I don’t know, man.’

  ‘We’re not “going out” though,’ Harvey said, topping up Cat’s glass. ‘We’re just having dinner. I think that’s allowed.’

  ‘I wouldn’t want Sam to go out for dinner with Kelly. I wouldn’t want him to acknowledge her in the street. But then I never want my friends to have other friends. I want to be the centre of everyone’s attention all the time.’

  Harvey laughed. ‘Same, actually.’

  ‘It’s perfectly healthy,’ Cat said, picking up her wine.

  ‘I think it’s because of Sam,’ Harvey said. ‘He was always the centre of attention growing up, you know? And I had to be louder and louder to compete… And then I stopped being loud and just started doing my own thing.’

  ‘Ohhhhh,’ Cat said. ‘I’m still doing the loud thing. Well, more annoying than loud.’

  ‘You’re not annoying,’ Harvey said instantly.

  Cat laughed. ‘Oh, I know I am. Also, people tell me.’

  ‘You’re an only child, right?’

  Cat nodded. ‘That is what I blame it on, yes. But I think it might just be my personality.’

  Harvey looked down at his plate – he’d had squid and it was all gone apart from a smear of aioli – and then back at Cat. ‘I thought… I would talk to him, um, depending on how tonight goes.’

  ‘Oh!’ Cat said, immediately feeling her face heat up. She picked up her wine and took a too large gulp. ‘No. I mean. This can’t happen. Me and you.’

  ‘Seriously?’ Harvey said, pushing a hand back through his hair. When they’d first arrived it had been a little flattened by the hat, but it had recovered its usual swirly-ness.

>   Cat shook her head. ‘I’m sorry if I gave you the impression…’

  ‘No. You didn’t. Really. Well. I mean, you did invite me to spend the day with you somewhere clothing-optional…’

  ‘Oh my god.’ Cat covered her face with her hands.

  ‘I just… I always had a crush on you.’

  Cat shook her head and tried to ignore the fluttering in her belly. ‘Fuck off. You didn’t.’

  ‘I did. I was never really jealous of Sam – even though everyone thought I was, you know teachers would tell me how great he was at everything, he was on the football team and I’d see how disappointed they were when I fell over my own feet – but I always just thought he was great, you know?’

  Cat nodded. She did know. She’d thought he was great too.

  ‘And then he started going out with you and it made me kind of hate him.’ He smiled his ridiculous wide smile and Cat smiled back without even thinking about it.

  ‘I didn’t think you’d go out with me or anything,’ Harvey said. ‘And obviously I wasn’t going to do anything. Because he’s my brother. And then there was that night in the garden…’ He shook his head as if trying to clear his thoughts.

  ‘No,’ Cat said. She looked around for the waiter. How come her conversations were always being interrupted but when she really wanted one to be there was no one around.

  ‘No?’

  ‘It can’t happen. I can’t—’

  ‘If I talked to Sam. If Sam was OK with it.’

  Cat shook her head again. ‘I’m sorry, no. I like you. I always liked you. And I’d like to be friends. I’d love that actually. But we can’t be anything more.’

  ‘Ever?’

  ‘Ever.’ She stared down at the table for a second and then pushed her chair back, the legs screeching on the wooden floor. ‘Just going to pop to the loo.’

  * * *

  In the bathroom, she texted Kelly – Harvey said he’s got a crush on me – and then peed, washed her hands, and patted some cold water on her face. In the mirror she looked flushed and excited. Her hair had gone a bit flat and weird so she fiddled with it for a while before giving up and hooking it behind her ears. Kelly still hadn’t replied, so she took a selfie against the millennial pink tiles and another of her feet on the jade and white patterned tiles and then she saw that Kelly was typing.

  Of course he has. You go get some.

  I told him I can’t.

  Why not?!

  Cat pressed the call button and as soon as Kelly answered said, ‘You know why not.’

  ‘Sam left five years ago,’ Kelly observed. ‘He’s doing stand-up about you. You don’t owe him anything.’

  ‘I think I owe it to him to not fuck his brother!’ she said, just as the door opened and a short woman with closely cropped red hair looked at her and then looked away again, scurrying into the nearest cubicle.

  ‘Oh god,’ Cat said into the phone. ‘Now I sound like a sex pest.’

  ‘What if it was just one night,’ Kelly said. ‘One night to get it out of your system, off your chest, etc. One night and you’ll never speak of it again.’

  ‘Something you want to tell me?’ Cat asked.

  ‘Got the pregnancy horn but Sean can’t get near me without me wanting to chuck. I’m currently enjoying a very healthy fantasy life.’

  ‘So who’s your one night.’

  ‘Jason Momoa. I saw a photo of him in a magazine and it made my lady parts beep.’

  ‘I’m going back to my dinner now,’ Cat said. ‘And will drink until I can no longer remember you just said that.’

  ‘Good luck.’

  * * *

  By the time Cat and Harvey had eaten their mains, they’d finished the bottle of wine and Cat was thinking about what Kelly had said. Not about Jason Momoa, but about the idea of one and done with Harvey. She couldn’t really do that though, surely. She’d never been a one-night stand kind of a person and this was Harvey. How would that work? They’d have sex and then just be friends and never refer to it again? She knew people who did do that – a friend had told her that when she’d told a male friend she’d never had an orgasm, he came to her house, went down on her until she did, and then they just went back to being fully dressed, no oral, friends – but Cat didn’t see how it would work. But if she took the job in New York. If she was leaving. Then maybe…

  What she had seen was the waiter – Charlie – go past with a chocolate mousse that looked pretty good, so maybe she should suggest dessert and take the whole thing one step at a time. Dessert and then maybe coffee and then they’d leave the restaurant and do what? Go on somewhere else? Where she could suggest the one-night thing? And then they could go back to his. For sex. God, she’d drawn a direct line from chocolate mousse to sex; she needed to dial that right back.

  ‘Would you like a look at the dessert menu?’ Charlie asked.

  Cat looked at Harvey, who was looking back at her with his eyebrows raised. ‘Would you like something?’

  ‘Um,’ Cat said. ‘I thought the chocolate mousse looked—’

  ‘Me too!’ Harvey said, beaming. ‘Do you want to share one? Or get one each?’

  ‘One each, I think,’ Cat said, without actually thinking. Sharing would definitely have been more romantic. But if they were going to do the one-night thing, it wasn’t about romance; it would be more like a business transaction. Like at work when a company hired them to fill one specific role rather than contract them for— Jesus, why was she thinking about human fucking resources. She really needed to get laid.

  ‘Wait, no,’ she amended, as Charlie turned to walk away. ‘I’m not that hungry. I think we can share.’

  When she looked at Harvey, he was smiling. She shuffled her chair forward a little, bumping her knee against his under the table. She was giving him mixed messages, she knew, but she could explain when they left the restaurant. She’d suggest they go on somewhere else for another drink and—

  ‘Look!’ Harvey said. ‘It’s snowing.’

  Twenty-One

  Outside, the snow was still falling, faster than it had appeared from the inside – and it was definitely sticking; the pavement outside the restaurant was already coated white and the park opposite was looking magical.

  ‘I’ll walk you to the Tube,’ Harvey said. But they hadn’t got very far when they realised there was a problem. The street was full of people, the pavements crammed from the kerb to the shop fronts.

  ‘Has something happened?’ Harvey asked the nearest person.

  ‘Tube’s closed,’ a tall man in a turban told them. ‘They said temporarily, but it’s been bloody ages already.’

  ‘Oh shit,’ Cat said. ‘See,’ she told Harvey. ‘I told you! Magical, my arse.’

  They walked back the way they’d come and turned onto a side street to cut through and avoid the crowd of disgruntled people.

  ‘We could walk up to Tottenham Court Road,’ Harvey said. He took his phone out and tapped at the screen. ‘Shit.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Tube’s all fucked up.’

  ‘I told you!’ Cat said again.

  ‘It’s not the snow,’ Harvey said. ‘Why would snow affect the Tube anyway, it’s underground?’

  ‘My bit’s overground,’ Cat said.

  ‘There’s some sort of massive signal or electrical failure,’ Harvey said. ‘Fuck, it looks like chaos.’

  ‘I can imagine.’

  Harvey put his phone away and looked at her. There were snowflakes on his eyelashes and Cat wanted to brush them off. With her face.

  ‘Do you – this is going to sound bad after our conversation earlier – but you’re welcome to stay at mine. I’ve got a spare bed. Well, a sofa bed. You can have my bed. I changed it this morning. It’s really central so as soon as the Tube’s sorted, you can, you know, get home no problem.’

  Cat thought about the prospect of buses when the Tubes were down. She thought about an Uber but if the traffic was as bad as she suspected it would be, her ba
nk account wouldn’t be up to it. Clearly, she didn’t have a choice.

  ‘That sounds great,’ she said.

  * * *

  Harvey’s flat was above an Italian restaurant on the main road.

  The entrance hall was dark, but when Harvey flicked on a light nothing happened.

  ‘Shit. Bulb must’ve gone.’

  He tapped the torch on his phone and illuminated the bottom of the stairs.

  ‘I’m only on the second floor.’

  Cat followed him, resting her fingers on the wall as she walked.

  ‘I’m not gonna lie,’ she said, as they headed up the second flight. ‘This is starting to feel a bit murdery.’

  Harvey laughed. ‘I promise it’ll be fine when we get upstairs. We can put all the lights on.’

  It was fate. First she’d decided she’d do the one-night thing and then they’d got snowed in and now the lights had gone out. If she’d asked for a sign – she hadn’t, but if she had – she’d got three. She rested her fingers on the small of Harvey’s back, over his coat, and thought about pushing the coat back off his shoulders and walking her fingers all over him.

  He smiled at her over his shoulder – she couldn’t really see him, but she could see his smile – and her stomach flipped over. She was really doing this. She was going to Harvey’s flat where she would sleep with him. Sam’s brother, Harvey. She shouldn’t do this. But she was going to. Probably.

  Harvey opened the door to his flat and flicked on the lights. A lamp in the far corner of the room, just to the left of an enormous window, and fairy lights strung around a huge photograph of a beach on the wall. Between the two windows there was a small table with a record player and a box of vinyl.

  ‘Wow,’ Cat said. ‘So who’s your friend?’ Cat pulled off her boots and put them in the hallway near the front door.

  ‘From drama school,’ Harvey said, pulling off his coat and beanie. His cheeks were pink from the cold and his hair was damp at the ends, making it curlier than usual. ‘He lives in LA most of the time now, but he likes to keep this place for when he’s here.’