Getting Old Will Haunt You

by Rita Lakin

  We see what’s left inside of Robert’s boat: trash, a soaked life jacket floating, tangled fishing gear, in other words, a mess.

  Dear Jin. He’s slipping on hip-high rubber boots. He wouldn’t think of any of us older ladies trying to climb into that wobbling piece of boat. He will clamber in and look for whatever he can find. Silly us. We never thought past finding the boat, let alone climbing into it. Not at our ages.

  Some members of the Cage party come out of the ballroom, questioning. Why are we stopping and why here? This doesn’t look like Key Largo.

  I tell them we are looking for a clue to a mystery and suddenly, we have a crowd of happy show-people onlookers, buzzing with curiosity, holding drinks, waving rainbow-colored flags.

  For a few moments, Jin digs around, looks up at us, shaking his head. But he doesn’t give up.

  Moments later, he holds something up. Aha. ‘It’s the plug.’

  Sophie, holding on to her tiara, asks, ‘So, what about it?’

  He explains. ‘The plug is never pulled out of a boat, unless necessary. Once the plug is out, the boat fills with water, and sinks, but this one must have caught on to something and didn’t totally sink. Lucky.’ Jin says, modestly, ‘I do a bit of sailing myself.’

  I ask, ‘Would a plug fall out by itself?’

  ‘Not likely. I would guess someone pulled it out on purpose.’

  ‘The purpose?’

  ‘To sink the boat, no other reason.’ Jin tries to talk low because others are listening. ‘Robert would never have pulled it out.’

  ‘Someone else did?’

  He nods meaningfully.

  But I am deflated. ‘Is this the clue? I expected more.’

  Evvie worried, ‘That could make the cops suspect suicide.’

  ‘Agreed.’ Jin is now rooting around the mucky bottom. ‘I think I’ve found something else.’ Excited, ‘It’s his iPhone! A miracle. The battery looks dead, though.’

  ‘What good is a wet, dead phone?’ Sophie is disappointed.

  Jin says, ‘An iPhone with camera capabilities. Remember the selfie, he sent?’

  Sophie, ‘With the big fish, ready to jump on top of him.’

  Bella. ‘I’m still waiting for someone to tell me what a selfie is.’

  Evvie. ‘Keep waiting.’

  Jin climbs out of the leaking boat and attaches his own iPhone charger to Robert’s device. A few seconds later the phone switches on. ‘Another miracle,’ Jin says. ‘There’s no pin code to log on. Here’s another photo he took of himself!’ He is getting more and more excited. ‘Fantastic! A photo, one he didn’t know he photographed.’ He stares at it, realizing, ‘And didn’t get a chance to send.’

  ‘We are so lucky that we have Jin,’ I say. ‘Even if we had been able to get into the boat and found the phone, we would not have known it also worked as a camera. When we get home, we’re going to have to catch up with the tech world.’

  Jin, eyes flashing with awe, says, ‘Look ladies, look at the second photo he took but didn’t get to send!’ And, one by one, we see Albert Love leaning over Robert’s shoulder and stabbing him in the stomach as the loosened fishing rod with its attached marlin drops away into the ocean.

  Jin sends the second selfie to his own iPhone, then turns to the broken boat and takes further shots of the now-found boat and its contents to add to our proof.

  There is a stunned silence for a few minutes, as both my girls and I, and the crew and watchers, let that amazing find sink in. Murder. It was murder!

  The murder witnessed by our ghost, Hemingway! Omigod!

  Jin smiles, satisfied. ‘Now we have definite proof. Robert was killed by lawyer Love.’

  I am astonished.

  The word is passed around the entire ship. These odd old ladies just uncovered a slaying; done to a man they know by a man they also know. iPhones are clicking wildly, cast members photographing us. Tomorrow we’ll be famous on Facebook, heaven help us. We’ll be celebrities.

  Captain Barnaby congratulates us. ‘Shall I turn my ship around and head for home?’

  I start to say, ‘I wouldn’t want to spoil …’

  I am interrupted by a rousing shout from the energized onlookers. ‘Yes! Let’s go back and seize the killer! We’re not going to let him get away with this!’ The theater party is forgotten. Cast members revert back to being citizens of their fair city. Justice will triumph!

  We are stunned. Only Papa knew. Only a ghost knew! If we hadn’t followed the information given by a fantastical specter, a death would not have been avenged.

  Bella smiles, the heroine of this happening.

  Sophie hugs her. ‘You did it, sweetheart, you saved the day!’

  Evvie and I stare at one another, speechless. Wait ’til I tell Jack!

  Who woulda thunk?

  FORTY-FOUR

  Respected. About Time. Revenge is Sweet

  This time we don’t bother to make an appointment. We walk straight into police headquarters, heads held high. Photos in my clutched hand. Demanding to see Sergeant Barbara Ella, ignoring her last name.

  She comes rushing out, emitting steam. ‘You crazy ladies again! How dare you waste my time again? Why don’t you go back to Kissammee, or wherever you belong?’

  Bella whispers. ‘Kissammee. Where’s that?’

  Evvie whispers back, ‘In Osceola County.’

  Bella again, ‘Where’s that?’

  ‘Sshh,’ hisses Sophie, ‘you’ve been there.’

  Bella, ‘I forget.’

  ‘Fort Lauderdale, lady.’ I correct her. ‘Try to get it straight,’ I am furious, sarcastic. ‘Jin LeYung sent us.’

  ‘Jin sent you? What have you and my cousin have to do with one another?’

  Evvie, curious. ‘Jin is your cousin? You don’t look related.’

  Hands on hips, Barbara is trying to push us out the door. We don’t budge. ‘It’s a small town. Lot of people are related. Don’t just stand there. Explain, then leave.’

  ‘We don’t move an inch until you look at this.’ I shove into her hands Jin’s phone with the photo of Albert Love killing Robert with what looks like a marlin’s jaw! From a fish they once caught! Proof positive. ‘Death by selfie? Remember?’

  She turns various shades of red, then purple, then deathly pale.

  ‘Where did you get this?’

  ‘Out of Robert Strand’s missing fishing boat.’ Oh, such glee we feel. Nothing’s more satisfactory than being right.

  She’s flummoxed, stuttering, unsure of what to ask next. ‘How could you get it out of his boat? How did you know about a boat? A boat that sank.’

  We show her Jin’s boat photos as well. ‘The boat did not sink. Makes you cops look bad, don’t it. Did you even bother to search?’ I imagine they did, with no luck. Not very nice of me; I am enjoying rubbing it in. And the girls are pleased by my performance. ‘Your cousin Jin climbed into Robert’s abandoned boat and found the iPhone and the second selfie.’ I’m suddenly a confident tech expert, spouting as if I was born to this knowledge.

  Those condescending cops surround us. Barbara Ella, hands shaking, passes the photos around. And again, amazement.

  ‘Would you ladies like to sit down,’ says one cop, deferential suddenly.

  ‘Coffee, maybe,’ from another, the next new fan.

  For a moment I think of our Hy Binder back home who got revenge on us for treating him unkindly. I wonder if the girls are making the same connection as we get revenge. I also wonder how Ida is doing with her case. Where could Hy have disappeared to?

  I put the police out of their misery. ‘We had a tip from an unknown caller (a little fabrication here) that there was a big clue to be found in that boat. Jin took us on a party cruise ferry and we found it.’

  ‘Just like that?’ One of the cops.

  Evvie can’t resist. ‘Only took brilliant investigating skills. Just like that.’

  My girls applaud.

  Sergeant Barbara Ella is all a twitter. ‘We must
get on this at once.’

  ‘Not to be concerned, Barby Doll. Right this minute there are dozens of rather charmingly costumed recruiters on the city streets taking care of bringing in Mr Love and his accomplice, Mr Smythe.’

  Sergeant Barbara Ella looks as if she might faint. If she does, she better take her gun off her belt first. It might go off and shoot her. Maybe right now, she wouldn’t mind.

  I giggle at the thought.

  FORTY-FIVE

  The Very, Very, Very Colorful Recruits

  Sergeant Barbara Ella, near hysteria, is on the phone. She is trying to reach Jin who hasn’t answered. ‘Pick up! Pick up,’ she howls.

  We are seated, enjoying the ice-cream cones Officer Bud went out to get us. They tell us their names. Bud and Gregg, finally friendly.

  ‘What should we do?’ Gregg asks Barbara.

  She answers curtly. ‘Nothing, not until I find out what Jin is up to.’

  A half hour goes by. We would leave, but this is too much fun watching Barbara pace and squirm. Delicious as our cones. I’m dropping the Sergeant and Ella names by now, along with our respect.

  Finally, Jin answers. Barbara screeches at him. ‘What the hell are you doing?’ The phone is on speaker so we get to hear it.

  Jin answers mildly, ‘Just trying to help out. The kids are doing a nice job.’

  ‘What kids?’ She can’t pull her voice down.

  ‘The kids in the show.’

  ‘Kids? You mean those half-baked untalented old farts are running around town trying to make arrests?’ Uh oh, I think, not a smart way to put it.

  Jin stays relaxed. ‘Are Gladdy and her associates still there?’ Finally respectful. How sweet it is. How deserved. I shouldn’t gloat. It’s not nice. Hah! I will gloat. Days like this don’t come around that often.

  ‘Yes,’ she hisses. ‘Those people!’

  ‘Hi girls,’ Jin shouts loud enough to be heard. ‘Did you fill Barb in? How about that selfie!?’

  Barb stays mad. ‘What are you doing out there!?’

  ‘Well, first we had to make sure our lawyers couldn’t escape, so Uly Tolson, he plays Monsieur Renaud, he’s a charmer, and that darling boy who plays, Albin, so adorable—’

  Barbara interrupts. ‘Spare me the reviews. What are they doing?’

  ‘Done, darling cousin. Already a fait accompli. Done. Let the air out of the killers’ tires, so they had to try to escape on foot.’

  ‘Oh, God.’ Barb is fanning herself with one of the photos.

  Gregg says, ‘Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?’

  Bud grins. ‘Gone, when it’s proof by selfie.’

  ‘Where are they now?’ Barb begs to know.

  Jin gives us the play-by-play. ‘Well, they split up and it’s been quite a problem to unravel where they went. Smythe was spotted trying to hurry a cab to head for the airport. But there was so much traffic, the cab couldn’t get through.’

  ‘What traffic? What are you talking about?’ I wish Barby would stop yelling.

  ‘Well, it’s pretty funny. The entire cast on our boat trip got involved, ‘bout forty to fifty cast and backstage people, and their families are racing down alternate streets, running in the gutters; cars have to pull over. It’s a scream.’

  ‘What’s a scream?’ Her voice getting hoarse.

  ‘Well, Smythe takes one look at big Moe. He’s six-seven. Our set builder. Great with a plunge router. He opens the cab door and Smythe crawls meekly out, sobbing into his hankie. Do straight men still use hankies?’

  With hardly taking a breath, he goes on. ‘Then some of the people in the streets recognize the cast and they decide it’s fun to join in to whatever it is they are doing, so that adds about twenty to thirty more or so, then …’

  He cackles. ‘You hadda be there to believe it. One guy yells out, “Watcha doing, Jin? Wrong month for the Gay Pride parade”. And I think its Philby who yells back, he’s the one raises and lowers our curtains, “We can have a parade whenever we want”. So this guy on the sidewalk says, “So count me in,” and he joins them in the middle of the street with two of his buddies. Then it becomes a free-for-all for lots of the LGBTs out there. And then the mob breaks into the song from Cage: “I Am What I Am”. What great publicity. We’ll be sold out tomorrow. Isn’t that cool? So we’re talking one hell of a parade.’

  Barbara is a shivering mass of jelly. She blubbers. ‘He wants to be a cop. My cousin Jin wants to be a cop and I encouraged him.’

  Bud takes over the phone. Gregg tries to comfort Barbara, who continues blathering, ‘I’ll be fired. I’ll be fired. I know I’ll be fired.’

  Bud asks Jin, ‘Where’s Mr Smythe now?’

  ‘Back in his office waiting for one of you to come pick him up. He’s either writing a note to his wife or writing a confession. Or maybe a suicide note.’

  Bud again, ‘And Mr Love?’

  ‘That’s trickier. We lost him on Duval.’

  Gregg leans towards us to explain. ‘That’s the busiest street in all of Key West. A million tourists.’ Grim, ‘Watching your parade.’

  Bud says to Jin, ‘May I suggest, we send some policemen over to help you search?’

  Jin must be smiling. ‘Sure, if you want. Gee, it must be so much fun being a cop.’

  Bud is droll. ‘A barrel of laughs, kid. It’ll be fun to have you aboard some day, so keep up the good work.’

  I wonder if Bud meant it or was that sarcasm?

  Our job is done and the police are on it, and we’re exhausted from gloating; time for us to leave.

  Nobody notices us walk out.

  Poor, sobbing Barby. She doesn’t seem to be cut out for police work.

  FORTY-SIX

  A Gathering of Suspects. The End

  Breakfast, the next day. It’s heartwarming to us; what a sweet send-off Teresa gives on our behalf. We are heroes who solved a terrible crime. Bad guys in jail. Wassinger house saved. With a big write-up in the local newspaper with that hilarious photo of a Cage actor, naked above the waist revealing the hairiest chest ever, and below, a pink tutu with matching pink ballet slippers, carrying a huge birdcage with a real canary in it. In his other hand some sort of antique killing weapon, maybe a truncheon. Brandishing it as he runs after lawyer Albert Love down Duval Street.

  We are surrounded by our new buddies. Jin, of course. The Wassingers, naturally. Robert’s four fishing buddies, Tony, Clipper, Donny and Vito. Maybe they’ve come just for the free breakfast. Some of the cast and workers on La Cage aux Folles, definitely here for the free breakfast.

  We saw the play last night and enjoyed it, though Bella kept bothering us with questions every minute. Why are those people mad at those other people? Why is one older couple not happy about the young couple getting married? Why is the bridegroom worried about the bride-to-be’s family meeting his family? Is their maid really naked under his apron? Or is that ‘her’ a ‘his’ apron? What is that club where they’re all dancing, looking weird in those glittery costumes? And singing odd songs? Why is there another wife? Who’s really the mother? Why are the police running on the stage after them? On and on.

  We whisper, ‘Shhh, we’ll tell you later, on the trip home’ But we won’t.

  While we finish our breakfast, and sipping more coffee, my girls and I are asked some thoughtful questions:

  Clipper asks, ‘Why do you think those lawyers, Love and Smythe, didn’t hire a hitman to do their dirty deed? They could afford it.’

  Evvie answers, ‘But they couldn’t afford to take the chance. Too dangerous. Leaves them open to blackmail.’

  Tony says, ‘Love is a shrewd guy. How come he didn’t take the iPhone out of the boat? They knew there was one, because of the first selfie.’

  I answer, ‘Just guessing. A number of possibilities. He had to do it all fast; jump on the boat, kill Robert before Robert saw him. Worried, in case any other boat came by and saw him. Forgot the phone due to nervousness? Or had he already unplugged the boat and w
ater was leaking in; and he had to get out quickly? He looked for the phone and couldn’t find it? Didn’t think it was important? He had no idea there would be a last photo? Probably he needed to rush back in time to make sure of his alibi.’

  Vito, sarcastic. ‘Yeah, “alibi” was waiting in some motel. I’m guessing with his ding-a-ling dumb receptionist.’

  Jin, ‘Fact is, I had to dig all around the mess at the bottom before I found the phone stuck in a wedge of wood. I got lucky. I bet he just couldn’t find it.’

  Evvie, ‘That’s probably why he pulled the plug. To make certain the boat would sink and never be found. There’s a well known certainty about criminals. They make mistakes.’

  Donny, ‘That one was a doozie. Glad he blew it.’

  Teresa, angry, ‘It was arrogance. They were both so arrogant; they felt confident they could get away with it.’

  ‘I got another question,’ says Tony. ‘What about those texts we got from Robby not to go fishing with him?’

  Evvie answers this one. ‘No doubt Love probably got hold of Robert’s phone the day before and he did the texting, pretending to be his doomed partner.’

  Jin jumped in, ‘It would have been easy as Robert didn’t use a password or pin code, so anyone could have picked up the phone and sent messages.’

  ‘Hold on!’ This from Clipper. The fishing buddies have been paying close attention. ‘What about the first selfie? It showed the marlin bearing down on him.’

  I smile, because I know the answer. ‘The killers must have been thrilled when that photo turned up. They killed him with the jaw of the marlin they’d caught earlier; their “proof” that it was a marlin. Having Robert about to catch a marlin was a break the killers never expected. Proof positive that that marlin was the culprit. What a great lucky coincidence. But we found out, Mr Pebbles, the coroner, suspected there was a real killer.’

  Louie and Sadie throw us a kiss. ‘But it didn’t fool you girls. You saved us,’ Louie says gratefully.

  ‘A toast,’ Teresa says, raising her coffee cup. ‘To Gladdy Gold and her amazing girls. They are terrific private eyes.’ The guests clap hands. And cups are raised on high.