My head is spinning too fast for me to keep up. Maybe if I ask Marie, she can help me make sense of this.
No, I can’t tell her either. What would she think of me then?
Guilt threatens to drown me and I feel physically sick. I push open the restroom door on the main floor and run into the first of three stalls. I hang my head over the toilet grateful no one else is in here because all that comes out is heavy sobs.
I sit back and lean against the door. I feel the coolness of the dingy yellow tile through the butt of my blue jeans. My chest begins to hurt with the pounding of my heartbeat. Is it echoing? Or is that just in my own ears?
Take control. I need to distract myself. I glance at my phone, the screen is black, then quickly push it across the floor. No way will that help. I shove my hands into my pants’ pockets. My right hand emerges with a crumbled gum wrapper and a bit of wood shavings from work. In my left hand the sleek metal of my pocketknife comes into view.
The reflective metallic rainbow distorts my face. Scotty bought the knife for me last year when I first came to college as a means of protection for myself. I’ve never had to use it for more than opening packages but maybe I need to use it now. I flick the blade out, prodding my pointer finger with the sharp tip. Other than digging my nails into my palms, I’ve never thought of hurting myself before, nor have I fully understood why others do it, but right now I feel enlightened. I apply more pressure.
A single drop of blood runs down the length of my finger onto my hand. I pull the knife away and watch the red trail darken with another drop. Realization hits me as I notice my heart rate has slowed. My head clears and I take a few more deep breaths.
My legs are a bit shaky as I stand but I don’t feel overwhelmed anymore. I wash what’s left of my smeared makeup off my face along with the blood on my hand in the sink and start walking to my room again.
I unlock the door and cautiously walk in. I have to act normal. The room is mostly dark other than the glow of the computer Marie is looking at on her desk and a string of my rainbow lights she must have plugged in for me. Marie looks up from her laptop. “Hey girl, you okay? You look pale.”
Uh-oh. “Yeah, I’m good. Just tired. It’s been a long day.”
“I hear you.” She stands, grabbing her pajamas, and heads for the bathroom to shower.
A part of me doesn’t want to be alone. My finger prick has clotted but the immediate pain from when I accidentally tap it against something is still there to remind me. But the small elation that I stopped the overwhelming feelings helps. I am in control.
I decide to call Mom. I know I need to talk to Scotty, but I can’t. Not yet. I only wait a few rings in before she picks up. “Hello?”
“Hey, Mom. It’s me.” I flop onto my bed and crowd myself with pillows. Seeking closeness and comfort.
“Hey, Kathryn. How are you doing today?” The soft murmurs of the TV plays in the background.
“I’m good, I just got off work and I wanted to ask you something.”
“Sure, what is it?”
“Do you remember my friend Matthew from middle school? The one who came over all the time until he moved away?” I’m not sure why, but I hold my breath until she responds.
“The one who passed away about a year ago?”
My body freezes. “No, that can’t be the same person. Who are you talking about?”
“Are you sure? I remember his mother called one day to let us know since the two of you were close. I think she said he got mixed up in a wrong crowd and was into drugs or something.”
“I think you have him confused with someone else.”
“Maybe you’re right. Anyway, what about him?” The pause stretches on for several seconds. “Kathryn?”
“Nothing really. I was thinking about him today for some reason and wondered if you remembered him. That’s all.”
“Of course, I do. He came over almost every evening and he had the brightest green eyes I think I’ve ever seen.”
“You remember his eyes being green? Not a silver or silver green?” What color did I remember? Why is it so hard for me to know for sure?
“Definitely green. I’m sure I have some old photos of you guys in a book around here somewhere. I can pull them out for you next time you’re home if you want?”
“No, that’s okay. Anyways, I have to go. I have a little bit of homework and Scotty should be calling soon.”
“Are you sure? You sound a little upset? Did you take your medicine today?”
“Yes, I’m fine, just wanted to chit chat for a little.”
“Alright, well I love you.”
“I love you too.” I press the end button. Who would have called Mom? I didn’t have too many friends growing up. It obviously wasn’t Matthew’s mom though. Marie saw and talked to Mattie so it’s not like I’m seeing ghosts. Right?
I crawl out of bed and change into some blue fuzzy pajama pants and a black Riverside College t-shirt. I begin to brush my hair out when Marie emerges from the bathroom, her wrapped up in a towel. She glances at the clock on her phone. “I know Scotty will be calling soon, but I have an English paper to finish tonight…”
Her voice trails off, but she doesn’t have to ask. I smile, taking the hint, happy to help my friend. “I guess I can go roam the halls for a little while,” I tease. The more time that passes from when I kissed Matthew the lighter the weight bearing down on me feels. Him kissing me was a misunderstanding, which we’ll discuss next time I see him. It doesn’t change anything from here on out.
Marie gives me a big appreciative smile as I slide out the door. I start pacing the full length of the hallway outside our room. I’ve memorized the hotel style pattern of the carpet from the nightly talks I’ve had here with Scotty. The green, blue, and yellow loops overlap on the brown background. My pink fuzzy slippers make no noise as I pass by the other dorm rooms. Some are quiet with students probably studying and others erupt with sounds of music, movies, and other, more active activities.
Right on the 8:00 dot my phone buzzes and alights with Scotty’s picture. I hesitate for a moment willing my voice to sound normal as I answer. “Hey, Scotty.”
“Hey, sweetheart. How are you?” His soft voice caresses my fading guilty conscience.
“I’m good. You?”
“Not bad, a bit tired since I drove to school before classes and work, but I’ll manage. Just means I’ll sleep good. Did you go in to work today?”
“Yeah, it was fun. The guys and I got into a water fight.” I want to smile at the memory, but I need to tell him about Matthew. Keeping him a secret probably allowed for tonight’s kiss to happen. This needs to be out in the open. Why is this so hard? It’s okay that I have a new friend, even if we are close.
“It’s really starting to bother me that only guys work there with you.” Scotty’s tone and voice grow drastically cold.
I blink a few times momentarily caught off guard by his sudden change. I think I’ve only heard him angry a handful of times since we’ve been together, but never once at me. “Are you okay? You sound really upset all of a sudden.” Does he already know about Matthew?
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe I’m jealous of all the time you spend with those guys.” His voice is heavy with sarcasm.
“Scott, it’s my job. I work with them, that’s it. You’ve never said anything about this before?” I feel tears sting my eyes and I push open the door to the nearest stairwell which usually offers privacy thanks to the well-used elevators.
“Sure, Katie.” The silence hangs thick between us.
What do I do? I feel like I’m having to defend myself when I’m completely innocent and he doesn’t believe me. But I’m not completely innocent, am I? The guilt starts to crawl back in. My stomach turns. I think about coming clean and telling him what happened with Matthew, but as I think of this uncharacteristic anger growing, I back out. I reach into my mind for a different subject. “How is your sculpture project coming along?”
�
�Great, actually.” And just like that a switch is flipped and his voice softens. “I have a great idea that will tie you and I into the theme.”
“Really? How?” I breathe a sigh of relief that his brief anger spell has passed. Maybe something at school happened and I hit the trigger reminding him.
“You’ll have to wait and see.” I hear the playful note in his tone. I can’t help but smile until his voice brings me back. “So, what do you have to do this week? Didn’t you say you had a big test coming up.”
I cringe. “Yes, I have my Calculus midterm tomorrow.”
“How do you feel about it?”
“Nervous. I did awful on the last test and I can’t afford to do that again.”
“You’ll do great, Katie. You’re so smart.”
“Thanks. I hope you’re right.” We sit in a comfortable silence for a few seconds until I yawn. “I should probably get to bed. I’d like to go over my notes one more time in the morning.”
“Alright, Katie. Goodnight. I love you.”
“I love you too. Night.” I hang up and walk back to the room. I don’t know what I’d do without him. His confidence in me has settled my rattled nerves. Whatever happened today with Matthew will not happen again and I will make that very clear to him.
Marie is still typing away when I enter our room. In the bathroom, I brush my teeth and cleanse my face. As I look into the mirror, I take some deep breaths. Everything is going to be okay. I have studied hard for this test.
I crawl into bed and pull the covers up tight seeking comfort. I drift off to sleep dreaming of Scotty’s anger and my mistake.
CHAPTER SIX
I wake up feeling terrible. I silence the wailing beeps from my alarm clock that fuel the headache that’s been brewing all night from the overthinking and lack of sleep. My sticky eyes open to the dark room. Predawn light seeps through the curtained window. I still feel guilty about what happened with Matthew. I know I won’t let it happen again but how could I have done that to Scotty? Could Marie be right about him being bad? And I’m absolutely dreading the Calculus test I have coming up in only two short hours.
I trudge to the bathroom sink and run cold water to splash my face. I need to wake up so I can try studying a little more. I get dressed as quietly as I can while keeping an eye on Marie’s sleeping form.
I open the medicine cabinet above the sink. I don’t know why I’ve started feeling like this. I swallow an anti-anxiety pill wondering if they’re even working. Managing my anxiety has never been a problem. I know to avoid certain situations and remember to breathe. Why is it becoming harder to do that now? Lately everything has me upset and no matter what I do I can’t shake this feeling of dread.
I don’t understand what is sending me into this downward spiral. It’s true I just created a problem in my relationship with Scotty that I need to work through, and my grades need to be a little better, but in the grand scheme of things I’m doing okay. I made it to college, I have a wonderful family, a caring boyfriend, good friends, and a job that makes me happy. What is so wrong that it has my emotions jumping off a cliff? Is there something wrong with me?
I stare at the bottle in my hand. They’re not working. I’ve been on them for two months and I feel no different, unless different is meant to mean worse. But I know I have to stay on them. It makes those around me feel better. I don’t want anyone worrying about me, and I especially don’t want them knowing about the new knife thing I used to supplement the medicine.
As I put the bottle back, I catch my reflection in the mirror. Wisps of blonde hair hang in my face and curl around my eyes. Eyes that look empty and dull today. My thin, fair-skinned body lacks the curves to be noticeably attractive but that’s never stopped my love for dresses before. Today it’s hiding under yoga pants and a hoodie.
It’s another warm day, and while I know other college girls will be taking advantage of the comfortable temperature by wearing shorts and tank tops, I pull my long sleeves down over my hands and grab my backpack to head out the door.
I’m one of the first few students to enter the dining hall. Smells of greasy sausage and carb loaded pancakes almost entice me to fill a plate but instead I grab a bowl of cereal. I slip into a booth tucked in the corner away from the chatty tables dotting the middle.
Swirling my spoon around the soggy lumps, I flip page after page through my notes. Some of it actually makes sense to me as I follow the steps. I just need to memorize the methods of the ones I don’t understand.
I check my watch and bolt out of my seat. With only ten minutes left, I fly across the quad. I can’t be late. I need the full class period to take the test.
Halfway across the field, I notice a girl from my vet tech class being pushed by a much larger guy. His loud voice carries across on the wind to me as he calls her harsh names. She holds her books up and tries to shrink behind her dark hair. The guy brings down his right hand and slaps her load out of her arms, sending papers scattering across the ground. “Stop trying to hide from me, freak!”
I can’t take it anymore. Before he can reach for her again, I push myself between them and stare at the bigger male. “Back off!”
His hand becomes motionless in the air as he looks me over, sizing me up. “Get out of my way. This ain’t your business.”
“This is my classmate, my friend, that makes it my business. Don’t try me.” Although I’ve never interacted with the girl outside of class the guy seems to believe me. Rather than having two witnesses against one, he lowers his hand.
“Whatever, neither of you losers are worth my time.” He stalks off, being sure to steps on several loose papers on his way.
I bend down and help the girl gather her things. She looks at me through her thick round glasses. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“Of course, I did. I couldn’t let him treat you like that.” I hand her the stack of her things.
“Well, thank you. Not many others would have done that. I’ll see you in class.” She hustles off to her destination as I realize how late I’m becoming for mine.
Standing at the door to the classroom building I am rushing to is Matthew. He smiles and puts his hand on the door handle. “What was that about, Savior Katie?”
As I draw closer, I try to be quick. “I can’t talk right now. I have a huge test that I’m running to.” I reach for the handle since he doesn’t open the door, but he grabs my hand.
“Who said anything about talking?” He encircles his fingers around my wrist and pulls me closer. Our chests touch and he kisses me deeply. I instantly get lost in the heavy kiss. I’m sure some people are staring but I don’t care. I feel so alive. It’s like all my life force that was missing this morning is right here. My test anxieties begin to melt.
He releases me and without a word, turns his back and walks away. My eyes follow him, wishing he hadn’t stopped. He calls over his right shoulder, “Don’t fail your test.”
Right then I feel like I have been slapped in the face. Don’t fail? Was that supposed to be a good luck? I walk into the building with a sick stomach. I’m more unsure about the test now than I thought I was.
...
An hour and a half later the professor reluctantly takes up my test, at least fifteen minutes after everyone else had left. I walk heavily out into the hall and slump against the wall. I really don’t know how that test went.
I cross my arms on my knees and put my head down feeling defeated. In just moments, I feel a presence in front of me. I lift my head expecting to see a concerned professor, but instead it’s those green eyes.
I don’t know how, but ever since we reunited, he always seems to be around when I’m drowning in emotions, “How do you do it, Mattie?”
“How do I do what?” He squats down to my level.
“How do you always know where to find me?”
He gives me a smug look, like he knows something I don’t. “Let’s just say I have a feel for your emotions.”
Was that supposed to
sound sweet? My brows scrunch together in puzzlement. He’s like a giant riddle sometimes. Well, all the time.
He offers me his hand and I allow him to pull me to my feet as he stands. “Are you finished with classes?” he asks as he snakes his arm around my waist and guides me down the hall. I should move his arm, but my thoughts are starting to steady and I can’t help but to think it has something to do with him. Maybe it’s the familiarity. But Scotty wouldn’t be okay with this. I should distance myself a little more. But it feels nice to be comforted.
“I am for a few hours. I think I’m going to go back to the room to de-stress. Would you like to join me? I could make us some tea.” Maybe asking him to hang out isn’t smart, but I want to keep our friendship. Then I can tell Scotty that he honestly is a friend. So, inviting Matthew to my room is a step in this. And I could use a friend now anyway.
“I don’t know about the tea, but I can definitely help you de-stress.”
I look up into his silver eyes and shiver with pleasure. I don’t know what he has planned but I want to find out.
“Ahem.” I squirm out of Matthew’s hold and turn around finding myself staring at Marie. She has her hands on her hips and a glare that is drilling holes into Matthew. “How was your test, Katie?”
I blush. This isn’t going to be a fun conversation later. “I’m not sure. I guessed a lot but I’m hoping with all the work I showed I will get enough partial credit to save me.”
“Hopefully.” Her voice is flat and laced with disapproval.
“Yeah, well I’m going to go back to the room to make some tea. See you later.” I scramble to get out of there.
We make a quick stop to the Student Union where our mailboxes are. In mine is a slip of paper informing me I have a package, so I pick it up from the office. "Do you want to check your mail while we're here?" I ask Matthew as I check the label on my box. It's addressed to me from Scotty.
"Nah, there wouldn't be anything for me." He waves dismissively and follows me out of the building.
Sacrificial Lamb (The Other Angels Book 1) Page 4
