“So, why doesn’t Marie like me?” Matthew asks as I unlock my door.
“She just doesn’t know you yet and she has a bad first impression of you. I have a boyfriend and you and I have been acting so close.” I bite my lip. Matthew and I need to talk.
In my room, Matthew lounges on my bed while I start heating some water in my electric kettle. I open my package from Scotty. Inside is a pack of Skittles and a Dr Pepper along with a not that says, “I hope this finds you when you need it most. Remember that I love you and am so proud of who you are”.
My heart swells with love. Right here, right now, I choose Scotty and I will always choose him.
“Mattie, you can’t kiss me anymore.” I try not to look at him, knowing those stupid silver eyes will make me lose focus. They are silver, aren’t they?
“Why’s that?”
“Because it’s not right.” I can’t continue kissing him and lying to Scotty. Isn’t it obvious to him like it is me?
Matthew appears disinterested in my argument as he flips through the planner I had left on my bed. “What’s not right about it? I like it and you like it, so no harm done.”
This time I do look at him. I know there was a reason he shouldn’t kiss me, but his words are so believable. I forget why I even mentioned it.
My water clicks off and reminds me that I was making tea. I pull out two red mugs and put a tea bag in each. I pour in the hot water and add four spoonfuls of sugar to each mug. Matthew watches me with his nose crinkled. “That’s an awful lot of sugar.”
My shoulders turn in and I feel a heat creep across my face. “I’m sorry, it’s a habit. Let it sit and the tea will get strong enough to dull the sweetness.”
“I think you should let yours sit too.” Matthew’s eyes track my every move.
“Why do you say that?”
He props himself up on his elbow and holds out his other hand. “Come here.”
I obey without question, laying down beside him so that I can stare into his green eyes. His gold bangle hands around his arm that’s propping his head up. “This is pretty. You been wearing it every time I see you. Where did you get it?” I trace the shiny metal with my fingertips.
“The friends I mentioned before, the ones I said helped me see the world differently, they gave it to me. Without it, I wouldn’t be able to see you and those beautiful eyes of yours.” He brushes a few loose strands of hair from my face.
“Mattie…” I start to protest even though a part of me wants to let him continue.
He gently takes my hand. “You don’t want me to kiss you, so I won’t. Let’s talk about the good old days of middle school instead.”
We get lost in reminiscing as our two mugs of tea grow stronger and colder.
CHAPTER SEVEN
“Katie, we need to talk.” Marie lays down her book as I look up from my Biology notes.
“About what?” I try to play dumb, but I know where this is going.
“You know damn well what I’m talking about.” Marie sounds angry, but her concern breaks through.
“I know.” I look away. I feel like a small kid about to be lectured. The past week and a half have gone by patterned by my talks with Matthew and my phone calls with Scotty. Although there hasn’t been anything romantic between Mattie and I, he still laces our frequent conversations with light touches to my hair or cheeks. Scotty hasn’t had any more anger outbursts either and I’ve grown comfortable with how things are. Maybe too comfortable, but both guys take my anxieties away and I don’t want to lose that.
“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Matthew in the past few days, and from what I’ve seen, it’s as more than friends.” She narrows her eyes at me.
I lower my chin. “I know sometimes it seems bad, but things have changed. We sat down and had a talk about it all and we’re just friends now. Like how it used to be.”
Marie watches my face. I know she wants to get her point across, but she also knows how fragile I have been and doesn’t want to upset me too much. “How does Scott feel about your new friend?”
“He doesn’t know about him yet.” The heavy guilt that associates itself with the thought of Matthew and Scotty weighs on me.
“This isn’t like you, Katie. You can’t keep this from him. It’s not right and it’s not fair to him. You have to tell him about Matthew or if you can’t then admit there’s more going on and break it off with Scott. You can’t have both.”
“I know.” I can’t bring my eyes to meet hers.
“And personally, I hope you choose Scott. He’s so kind to you. I don’t like Matthew. I think he’s taking advantage of you.”
“You don’t understand, Marie. I don’t know what it is, but I’m so compelled by Matthew when he’s around. I forget all about my anxiety and problems and I’m swept up in the strongest desire I have ever felt. I surrender to him without knowing I’m surrendering, but he knows I only want a friendship, so nothing more has happened between us.” Other than the two previous kisses, but I can’t tell Marie about those if I’m to convince her of my intentions with Matthew.
“It seems like he’s only using your unstable emotions against you to get what he wants.”
“But he’s my friend and it’s not like we’re kissing or fooling around.” Not anymore.
“He’s not treating you like a friend; he’s treating you like a plaything. He’s warming you up to later make you do something you don’t want to.”
That hurt. Is he really that bad? Am I letting him use me? Thoughts swirl inside my mind and I feel dizzy. Marie stays silent to let what she said sink in.
“I wish you had known Mattie from before. He’d skip out on football with all his guy friends to go wandering through the woods with me looking for a castle. He’d pretend to be my knight in shining armor escorting me away from all the dangers in the world.”
“I didn’t realize how close you two were. I’m sorry, Katie, but sometimes sweet boys grow up to be jerks. He might be sugar-coating it but he’s not being sweet.”
“I thought he would have told you about us growing up together after the first time I brought him to the room. I thought that’s why you were okay with him after that.”
Marie’s brows scrunch together. “When would he have told me that? The only times I’ve seen him is when he’s with you.”
“No, the very first night. You made him leave then I went to work. When I got off work, he was waiting for me and he said he went back to talk to you and that it was all okay now.”
“Katie, he never came back to talk to me.” Her eyes grow wide with worry.
I begin to feel panicked and think back to that night. “No, he had to. He said you told him where I worked, that’s how he knew where to find me.”
“I wouldn’t tell a stranger your whereabouts. You should know that. I think he knew where to find you because he’s stalking you. He was hanging outside your classroom the day of your Calculus test. Not a cute waiting but more of a possessive one.”
I let my mind swim, trying not to drown in the conflicting thoughts. Is Marie, my best friend, lying about never having talked to Matthew in hopes I stop trusting him? Or is she telling the truth and my childhood crush has turned into a lustful monster biding his time?
On unsteady feet, I stand and walk to the bathroom. I run cold water and throw it into my face. I take deep breaths and focus on calming down. My hand begins to slide into my pocket. Maybe another finger prick will help clear my thoughts.
Before I can get the blade out, Marie changes the subject and calls to me from the room, “I never did ask, did you get your Calculus test back yet?”
“No, the professor said he should have them graded by the end of this week so I should get it back tomorrow.”
“Well, when you pass, you and I are going out to celebrate. No guys allowed.” I hear her light giggle as she attempts to bring us back to normal. “Oh, hey! I almost forgot. I bought a new movie if you’re up for it.”
I walk o
ut of the bathroom and see Marie push the disk into the DVD player under her small TV that sits on a shelf built above her desk. She flashes me the case featuring a girl glancing teasingly behind her at a guy dressed in a suit. “What is it?” I stroll to her side of the room and slip under the blanket on her bed.
“Some cheesy romantic comedy that we’ll both hate. I’ll make the popcorn.”
We settle in leaning against the wall and each other munching on the big bowl of extra buttery popcorn. The movie starts with the main characters being polar opposites meeting by chance with the predictable foreshadowing of them falling in love.
“They always make the men in these movies such jerks before the woman comes along. Why can’t there just be nice guys for nice girls?” Marie throws a piece of popcorn at the screen.
“I think I’m doing the opposite to Scotty,” I mumble to myself.
“Are you two okay? I mean, he doesn’t know about Matthew yet, but is there something else going on?” Marie turns to me with her full attention though I wish she wouldn’t.
“I guess. The other day he became angry over something little. That’s why I’ve been afraid to say anything about Matthew. Scotty and I are doing great and I don’t want to mess it up by telling him I have a new guy friend.”
“I’m sure it’s not you that made him angry. Things at home have been rough on him and school is probably stressing him. Maybe you could go visit him this weekend”
“Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know.” I bring my knees to my chest and bury my face.
“Katie, every relationship has its ups and downs, but if you’re on a down it doesn’t mean you have to branch out.” I wish she would stop bringing this back to Matthew.
“I’m not trying to! I only want to be Matthew’s friend like when we were kids. He just makes it so difficult.” I watch the credits run up the black screen.
“Maybe try giving yourself some space. Try working through things with Scott. Take a break from Matthew until you work everything out and are thinking clearly. Then when you do talk to him again make sure he knows you don’t want that kind of relationship. You can tell him that, and if he doesn’t want to be just friends then he’s obviously not the same as when you were kids.” Marie climbs out of bed, turns off the TV, and puts her disk back into the case.
In this moment I think about telling her everything. I want to tell her about Scotty’s jealousy, about Matthew’s kisses, about the weird conversation I had with Mom on the phone last week that won’t leave my mind, about the losing battle I’m having with my own emotions, about dancing on the precipice of self-harming.
The words form on my lips but then freeze. If she doesn’t like Matthew now, what would she think if she knew I kissed him? If she knew how fragile I really was becoming would she think I was a freak? Would she become too motherly or distance herself? If she knew all the things about me from the past few weeks would she still treat me the same?
The desire to confide in her disappears like it was never even there.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Sitting on my bed, curled into a tight ball, I stare down at my Calculus test I just received back. 59%. F. This is the second test I have taken this semester, and although a 59% is better than a 34%, it’s still an F.
My dark thoughts encircle my body in a heavy invisible blanket that tries to squeeze my lungs and choke the air out of them. In one big wave of emotion I feel myself crashing. I’m letting everyone down. Why can’t I control my grades like I want to?
My grades have to be above average, no questions asked. My scholarships are what allow me to go to college. Without them, I would be a burden on my parents with expensive student loans.
But I’m going to lose those scholarships because I can’t understand Calculus.
As I hear Marie unlock the door, I hastily try to wipe the smeared make-up off my face and crumble a tissue in my hand to press my new bleeding fingertip into. As she walks by, she glances at me and tosses her backpack on her bed.
“Hey, girl.” Her cheery greeting is usually welcoming and contagious but not today.
“Hey.”
“How’d you do on your Calculus test?” Reminded of my failure I can’t stop the tears from coming again. She rushes over to my bed and pulls me into her arms. “Aww… Katie, don’t cry. What’s wrong? It is as bad as the last one?”
I nod and nudge the test toward her. She picks it up and flips through it.
“Well, at least you improved a little. Maybe next time you’ll improve some more.” She gently strokes my hair trying to comfort me and calm me down.
“Why is this so hard for me? I’ve always understood math but this... this makes me feel so stupid.” I drop my head back into my knees.
“You’re not stupid. You just need some help. Have you gone to see a tutor?”
“Yes, once a week for the past month.” I don’t lift my head, so the words come out muffled.
“Have you talked to the teacher? Or how about joining a study group?”
“I talked to the teacher and he put me into a study group with some of his best students.”
“How’s that going?” she asks in a hopeful voice.
I lift my head to level my gaze at her. “I’m so confused at what I’m doing. The group started planning the studies when I’m in class or at work so I can’t make it to them.”
“What? That’s messed up!” She shakes her head and goes to pick up her keys from her desk. “Come on.” She takes my hand and pulls me from the bed.
“Where are we going?” I walk to the mirror and take in my disheveled look.
“To the one place that I know will make you happy.” She smiles and brushes through my hair as I re-apply mascara to my lashes.
“You know, my shift doesn’t start for another hour.”
“I know but you like to be early and you can show me all the new additions and we can play with the puppies before you have to work.”
“Playing with the puppies is my work.”
“Well, then ask for overtime!” She starts to giggle as we walk out into the hall.
Marie blasts her radio with a country song and rolls down all her windows in her sporty silver Mustang. Before we turn onto the main road my phone buzzes. I motion for Marie to turn down her music and answer before the call times out. “Hey, Cassie. What’s up?”
Heavy sobs fill my right ear and she chokes out a response, “I can’t… can’t make it stop…”
I cover my left ear with my hand to block out the rushing sound of the wind as I realize the seriousness behind the call. Marie rolls up the windows to help. “Make what stop? What’s wrong?”
Several seconds pass before Cassie can pull herself together enough to talk. My heart pounds in anticipation but I don’t push her. I hear her take a deep breath, collecting herself. “You said don’t let the bad ruin the good, but there’s too much bad. The voices don’t stop. Even when I sleep, they’re in my dreams. I can’t make them stop.”
“What voices?”
“They’re in my head. They keep telling me how unwanted I am. That’s why I go to so many foster homes, why I don’t make friends, why I lost my brother. No one wants to be around me longer than they have to be.” The sobs start again.
I will my voice to come out strong. “Cassie, listen to me. You are not unwanted. There’s been circumstances behind some of those foster homes that I’m sure had nothing to do with you. And your brother is probably out there tracking you down as we speak. I’m your friend, and once you begin to settle in with this new family, you will make other friends. I know it must be hard always living in change, but change can be a good thing. It can create a new and stronger you.”
“Will the voices stop?” Her voice sounds younger than her sixteen years.
“They’ll stop when you make them. Those voices are your self-doubt.” I hold up my index finger to Marie as she parks and turns her car off letting her know I’m almost finished. When Cassie doesn’t answer right away, I proceed cautio
usly. “Maybe you should think about talking with a therapist. Adjusting to an ever-changing life can be unsettling, and they may be able to help you.”
Cassie takes a few more deep breaths and I can hear her fighting the tears. “You’re starting to sound like everyone else. I’m sorry for bothering you.”
“I’ve told you before, you’re never a bother. I’m want to help.”
“You’re trying to tell me I’m crazy and send me to someone else because you can’t help me!” She ends the call and I sit motionless. I fight the urge to call her back immediately. She needs some time to calm down. I can call her tonight after work and try again. I can figure out how to help her.
I don’t know how when I can’t even help myself.
I shove the dark thought away. Marie sits patiently and I give her a small smile. “It’s Cassie. She’s been stressing a lot while I’m away.”
“Poor girl. I couldn’t imagine moving around so much and not knowing which family will always be there for you. But I think she really looks up to you, even though she lashes out. That’s how most sisters are.”
“I’m an only child. I don’t know how to be a big siter to a girl I’ve only know for two years.” I stare out the car window at the traffic.
“I think you’re doing just fine. She called you when she needed help. That means she trusts you. She’ll come around.” Marie lays her hand on my arm and I turn to face her again. Maybe she’s right. I take a deep breath and exit the car.
As soon as I walk into JoJo's Jungle my mood instantly lifts. Marie was right about one thing; this is exactly what I needed. We walk over to the dog kennels and sit in front of them. As we open all three cages a mixture of puppies fly through the openings and shower us both with wet, slobbery kisses. The speeds of their tails echo their excitement of being free. They clamber around over our laps and run at their full potential through the shop.
Joe walks over from behind the counter with a small smile on his face. "A bit early today, aren't you?"
"Yeah, I've had a rough day and needed some animal time, and Marie wanted to visit before she had to go to class."
Sacrificial Lamb (The Other Angels Book 1) Page 5
