by Rowan Massey
They looked at each other and tilted their heads a little, looking me over.
“What?” I asked.
“Been at Doc’s all day?” Fiona asked. “People have been bringing us gossip for, like, hours.”
Something fell all the way through my body, from my head to my toes. I only shook my head.
“Nando’s on the hunt,” Spitz said, and I swung my head around to look at him. “Looking for Veronica and those two guys. He thinks she’s somewhere around Red House, but he’s just going around waving his knife at people until they say something to make him move on.”
I rubbed my hands together and looked up at Doc at the steering wheel. He reached over and turned the music down just a little. Was he hearing this?
“Right now,” Fiona said with an angry curl to her lips, “I don’t give a shit if he finds her.”
Spitz and I turned in our seats to look at her. She was tough, but it wasn’t like her to be that harsh. She was close with Veronica.
“Guys,” she said, “she almost killed us. I could almost murder her myself right now.” She leaned forward and back a few times like she couldn’t rest, and then slouched down into the seat.
Is this who we are now? I thought. After revenge like gang-bangers?
“So…” I said, thinking out loud, “if he’s out here looking for them, will he be on the field tonight?”
Spitz shrugged. Neither of them would know that, of course.
“Rydel will be there. We’ll be fine,” Spitz said.
I dug in my pocket and brought out the plain, white pill bottle Doc had given me. Spitz raised an eyebrow, and I uncapped it, and held it out for him to peek in. His eyes went wide, and he glanced over at Doc.
“You’re dealing fielders?” he asked, his voice going up to a high squeek.
“We made them,” I said, and showed the bottle to Fiona, who had the same reaction. “These are just for us.”
“Holy shit!” Spitz said, slapping a hand to his head.
I elbowed him and capped the bottle. “See?” I said, whispering. “Friends.”
“Walls,” Spitz said in a low voice, “he’s going to want something out of this eventually.”
I just shook my head. I wanted to tell him about the trip into New York, but didn’t want to worry him. We were all a little nervous, and I could tell him after.
“I’m with Spitz on this,” Fiona whispered. “He makes me really…I don’t know. It seems dangerous. And Nando on top of it. You’re getting yourself into a lot of shit lately.”
I shushed her and shook the bottle in beat with the music.
I thought about Veronica and the kind of shit Nando might do to her. All he would really need to do was cut her with that dirty knife, but he could do even worse. I squeezed my eyes shut and held the bottle tight. The need to take one was almost overwhelming. I felt waves of excitement over the thought. I was desperate and the feeling was getting worse by the second. Spitz and Fiona seemed stressed, but fine. Why was I worked up and they weren’t? We’d done the same stuff at around the same time.
When we finally got to the field, I was the first one out the door.
“Thanks, Doc!” I yelled, and the three of us hurried out to the edge of the crowd. I noticed there were less people, but there were no bodies. I hoped they weren’t out there in withdrawal because of the fight.
I poured pills into my palm, and we had them in our mouths one second later. My teeth crunched into it and the bitterness made me moan with relief. It was a great feeling. Fiona laughed and took my hand, then Spitz’s, and we walked onto the field.
I didn’t look around for Nando or Rydel. If there was news, I could hear it later.
We jerked to a stop. A guy I’d seen around for a few months was touching Spitz’s shoulder for his attention. He held up a fresh razor with the paper still wrapped around it.
“The doc told me to give you guys this,” he said, and jogged away as soon as Spitz took it from him.
“Friend,” I said, leaning towards them and smiling. They just shrugged.
We were in the middle of the crowd, waiting near a garbage pile. I couldn’t wait for the day we burned it. It would smell awful, and volunteers would be all bothered over safety, trying to stop us from digging around in the dirt too much for trash, because they had this everlasting fear of stray needles. They probably found one a month on the field, and they still worried over it, maybe because they had nothing else to worry about anymore. People who had already danced would stand around the fire and keep other dancers away from the flames, others would cut heads. Tourist would show up in droves, and dealers that usually had no reason to be around the field would be getting people lined up.
Spitz leaned close to me and grinned. “Insane bunch of trash around here this year,” he said. “Gonna be wild.”
Fiona hissed and grabbed a fist full of her hair, yanking on it. Spitz hurried to stop her from pulling it out, and I pushed down on her shoulder, so she knelt on the ground. I was about to cut her when Spitz grabbed my wrist and took the blade. I got out of the way. Maybe it was fucked up that he wanted to be the first to cut up his girlfriend’s head, but this was the field, and it was a romantic move.
I felt an uncomfortable jerk in my chest that shot up my neck to my face and scalp. Spitz was groaning and hitting himself. As usual, I would go last. I was kind of proud of that. I was tough.
I quickly sliced rows down his head and neck where he told me to, then knelt down and handed the razor to Fiona. She was hissing and trying not to squeeze her eyes shut, so the lines over my head were jagged and too deep. The blood was too much and ran into my eyes, forcing them closed.
The crawls were a living branch of evil up in my brain, and Fiona’s careful cuts gave me a sharp distraction.
Spitz’s red, slick head dropped back, and his eyes wandered across the dark sky. Fiona stuck the blade in his pocket and took his hand. She smiled at me before heaving a big, happy sigh and tilting her head back.
“See you in a thousand years,” I said, and watched them let go of each others hands and dance away from me. His hands were in fists that pumped the air in an intense rhythm. It was a familiar move for him, and I was happy to see it again.
The blue stars popped out of the sky, one by one, and fell over my face and my open hands. They were warm and blindingly bright. I said thank you to each of them. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. When I caught one in my hand, I saw that it was a lot like a pill. Fielders. I flicked it with the fingers of my other hand, and it flew back up until it rejoined the sky.
I went after it.
I looked around at the waving and rolling bodies around me, and didn’t see Spitz or Fiona.
I saw Nando.
His arms were crossed, and he was looking right at me, still and spooky. But he wasn’t alone. I spotted Doc behind him, several yards away, looking at me. He looked angry and on edge about Nando. I wished Spitz and Fiona could see him look at me just like that. Just like a friend who was worried.
Nando looked over his shoulder at Doc, and I knew he was trying to give him the hint to fuck off, but Doc pretended not to even notice. His eyes stayed on me, but I only wanted to look back up at the sky where I’d been chasing stars like a dog chasing balls. It was black and boring again. The moon was out, but it was skinny and smudged behind clouds.
“Wally!” Nando called. He waved me over, holding out a bottle of water. I walked towards the two of them automatically. They both pulled me in that direction, and since Nando was in front of the doc, he was the one I went to. I took the water and twisted the cap off, guzzling it down.
“Why’d you take off?” he asked. I took another few gulps to try to think of something to say. “I’ve been looking out for you all day. I found them,” he said. He grinned, and I choked on the water. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Doc take a small step toward us.
“What happened?” I asked. The big light nearby was shining off his dark eyes. If I’d talked to him before w
e danced, I wouldn’t have been able to look right at him, but I felt much better. I gave him the water back. My shoulders and arms were stiff from whatever dance moves I’d been up to, and I shook them out.
He kept grinning. “I’ll tell you if you quit being all pissed. I can tell you’re pissed off at me.”
“No, I’m not.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. I wasn’t upset anymore, but I was aware that something uncool had happened between us.
“Good.” Nando put an arm around my waist and hugged me close so we were nose to nose. “I’m doing a lot of leg work for you. That’s my apology for getting rough. You know it was just because I’d been fighting for days, right?”
I nodded but tried to lean away from him and touch less of his body to mine. He didn’t like that and pulled me closer. “Cut it out,” he said in my ear, sounding whiny. “It shouldn’t be a big deal. You’re my boyfriend. Me. Not your guard dog over there, who can’t touch me by the way. My bosses are his bosses. Too messy even for him. So chill.”
Nothing came into my mind to say to that. We were nose to nose again.
“Ask me what I did for you today,” he said, his voice flirtatious now. His hand rubbed my back slowly, and his eyes relaxed, making him seem less intense.
“What did you do?” I asked.
“I looked all over town and found a couple of boys who owe you money. They’d already spent it.” He lifted his sweater, showing off a bloody white T-shirt underneath. I touched it, and it was fresh. Wet. “So I took something else from them,” he said.
“What did you take?” I asked nervously.
He laughed. “Their brains, I guess. I killed them. For you, babe. How about that?”
I stepped backwards, away from him. A shock of adrenaline went through me, making it hard to breathe. I wanted to see the doc’s face but looking over there would have been a bad idea. I just stared at the blood on Nando’s chest until he pulled his sweater back down.
“Say thank you.” He moved in close to me again, and his lips came so close to my cheekbone he was almost kissing me.
“Thank you,” I said.
“You’re welcome. Come home with me.”
I twisted around and looked for Spitz or Fiona.
“Let the doc tell them you’re with me,” he said. “C’mon. I can head out early tonight. Some people are afraid to leave the house and have been asking dealers to bring their fielders to their houses. If they aren’t out here by now, they’re dead after that shit Doc’s been pulling. So yeah, let’s fuck off.”
“It’s not his fault. He’s trying to help us,” I said automatically. My mind just didn’t know how to react yet. I felt his hand get tight against my spine. “He’s doing stupid shit, but he’s just trying to help.”
“He’s a jackass who likes playing with little boys. But not you, right?”
I made a face. Why did he have to keep suggesting that?
Nando pressed his mouth to mine. His skin was warm, almost hot. I got myself to relax and just kiss him. God, it was probably because I was fresh off the field, but I was already relaxing, and I still liked kissing him. And he definitely liked kissing me. Maybe now that the fights were over, and he’d gotten revenge, we could just be boyfriends and forget everything that had happened. He let go of me to poke some sticky hair off my forehead. My head was cold, and I wanted to put my hat on, but didn’t want to ruin the hat.
“Come with me and stay the night. Let me show you I can take care of you and make it feel good.” He was talking softly and touching me with caring like he had before. Hopefully, he was already getting back to his old self.
But god, I didn’t want that. I was still sore. Didn’t he know that? I took in a big breath and couldn’t help glancing in Doc’s direction, but only at his shoes. He was still facing us. I thought about some of the things in his note, and I wanted to show him he was wrong. Completely wrong. I told my body to relax and ignored Doc looking at us.
“I’m going on a run to New York City in the morning,” I told Nando. It was a valid excuse.
“The fuck?” He turned and tried to stare Doc down. I grabbed his sleeve and turned him back to me.
“Can I see you in a couple days?” I asked. “Um, maybe next week we can fuck…but I’m still sore.”
He grinned and put both arms around my shoulders, pulling me close, and hiding his face in my neck. “I’ll find Veronica by the time you get back.”
The light hit Doc and made strange shadows over his face. He was probably thinking about his son again, because he looked sad. All I could think about was that fucking note, and I didn’t want to look right at him, but there was nobody else to look at. It made me feel weird that Nando was nibbling my skin while Doc watched.
Fuck, was it so terrible that I wanted that feeling Nando had given me before all of it? The fielders were still making me feel good, and I liked being held. The field fixed everything. That was the truth of it.
I closed my eyes and smelled Nando’s sweaty hair, the blood on his body and mine, and all the grime of the bodies around us. The muscles of his back were hard, and he was touching me gently. It wasn’t the way he’d smelled and felt when he’d fucked me.
I was tired and almost wanted him to take me to his place. I could do it again. It wouldn’t kill me. And then, I’d just rest under his warm blanket.
Fiona was looking at me sideways when I opened my eyelids. I hunched to get away from Nando’s teeth.
“Miss us?” she asked, putting on a pinched up smile. Nando let me go, and I hugged her. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see Spitz smiling at me. I hugged him next, and he laughed like he was so happy he couldn’t help it.
“You cook up some good shit,” he said. “God, I really missed you. It was a long one!”
“What does that mean?” Nando asked. “You cooked the fielders? With the doc?”
I bit my lip. “We made some stuff today…” I wanted to tell him to keep it between us, but Doc must have known Nando would immediately notice I was getting it from somewhere else. I didn’t know enough about how their bosses worked to know if it was a problem.
Nando was silent, and his face changed until he looked more happy than he had since before the fight.
“That must have been cool,” he said, looking at me like maybe he admired me. It made my gut feel warm. “Are you going to tell me about it and let me take notes? I don’t know anything about making fielders.”
I smiled, and he smiled back. “I guess,” I said. “If Doc says it’s okay. I took notes. I can show you.”
Nando put an arm around my shoulder. “Did Skippy tell you two he’s going to New York on the job? Fucking badass.” He hugged me tight to his side and kissed my cheek.
Spitz and Fiona’s eyes went round.
“Well…fuck,” Spitz said, after a beat.
“I’ll get extra pay,” I said. “Wish you guys could come with me.”
“Maybe next time,” Nando said and kissed my mouth. I hadn’t meant him, but I took the kiss.
I looked down to avoid Spitz’s surprised look, and saw that there was blood on Nando’s shoes. Veronica would be dead when I got back. I’d have to talk to him about it. Try to change his mind. I could text him during my trip and keep track of what he was doing. He needed somebody like me to keep him from being so wild.
When I looked up, Spitz was looking at Nando’s shoes too, and I shook my head at him just barely. He took Fiona’s hand and looked to his side. Behind him, I couldn’t see the doc anymore. He’d seen enough, I figured. I hoped he wasn’t disappointed with me, but Nando came from a home where he was expected to be violent. Maybe having a peaceful boyfriend would help him see there was a better way.
PART TWO
The blood on our faces, our eyes on the colorful sky, the music, and the dancing were all part of more than a daily ritual. The field made up our whole lives. When we weren’t on it, we were thinking about it, wishing for it, making money for it. We were ready to die for it. It was our
life, our religion, our home.
Chapter Fourteen
My phone woke me up at dawn. I’d put it in my back pack so I’d feel the vibration under my cheek. I had to head to Doc’s right away. With Fiona’s safety as extra motivation, Spitz hadn’t had a problem walking out to the safer areas. We’d spent the night inside a building that had started to collapse. We’d seen the mice right away, but had decided to sleep away from the walls and hope they would leave us alone.
After turning off the alarm and placing it back in my pack, I noticed a new hole in it. A mouse had tried to get to my vitamin bars. Swearing to myself, I unzipped it and reached around, finding the bars. One had been partly eaten. If I ate the rest of it, I’d probably barf it back up. I threw it into the corner with a little frustration. The smack make Spitz flinch awake.
“Sorry,” I said. “It was just me.”
He lifted himself onto his elbow and leaned over Fiona, checking on her, but she was fast asleep. She hadn’t become a light sleeper yet. He inched away from her and stood when I did. We went outside the doorway to say our goodbyes. He was worried.
“Dude,” he said, “I don’t want you to do this. You know what happened when I left town trying to make money.”
I cringed. This was completely different. Spitz had been taken out of town by a tourist who wanted sex in exchange for stuff like food, clothes, and fielders. And a lot of money, for kids like us anyway. He’d told me it had been gross but fast and painless at first. He’d done it even though he wasn’t attracted to men. When he left town, the plan was to spend four days with the guy at his house, then come home using the money he was making, and we’d be set for at least two months when it came to fielders and stew. Since Spitz was okay with the guy, I had been too.
But once he’d gotten there, he said the man had friends around all the time who convinced him to let all of them fuck him every day. He made a lot more money than he’d expected, but he’d felt so bad mentally that he started taking fielders twice a day, so the money was blown before he came back. When he showed up, I’d been so shocked at how messed up he looked, I had just stared at him for an entire day. It had been a nightmare.
