Bet Me

by Jennifer Crusie

  “Yes, he did,” Min said, enjoying herself. “He brought the paperweight because we were going to honeymoon in Paris.”

  “Thoughtful of him,” Cal said, biting off the words.

  “Not really.” Min straightened. “I don’t want to honeymoon in Paris.”

  “Did you tell him that?”

  “No,” Min said, her patience at an end. “I told him I didn’t want to get married, and then I kicked him out.”

  “Uh huh,” Cal said.

  “That’s it,” Min said. “He’s gone.”

  “No, he’s not,” Cal said.

  “I assure you—”

  “He left his tie, Min.”

  “So?”

  “So he left it so he could come back for it.”

  “That’s . . .” Min thought about it. “. . . entirely possible.”

  “Give me the tie,” Cal said.

  “Why?” Min said, exasperated.

  “So I can messenger it back to the son of a bitch tomorrow,” Cal said. “Who is he?”

  “Have you lost your only mind?”

  Cal closed his eyes. “Yes.”

  “There we go,” Min said. “The first step in solving your problem is admitting you have one.”

  “Don’t see him anymore,” Cal said, making it a request, not an order.

  “I won’t,” Min said. “I don’t even like him much.”

  “Can I return the tie, please?” Cal said, holding out his hand.

  Min fished it out of the trash. “Here. His name is David Fisk. He runs a soft—” She stopped at the look on Cal’s face. “What?”

  “Your ex is David Fisk?” Cal said, and Min remembered the bet.

  “Yes,” she said. “Do you know him?”

  “Yes,” Cal said. “He’s —” He stopped and she waited. “He’s a client.”

  “Oh,” Min said, and thought, The bet, he’s not going to tell me about the bet. Damn it.

  Cal crumpled up the tie. “I’ll send it back to him. How’s the chicken?”

  “I think it’s excellent,” Min said, feeling depressed as Elvis sang about true love.

  “It looks great.” Cal picked up a spoon from the dish drainer and scooped up some sauce. He tasted it and Min waited, caring way too much about what he thought. “Damn, that’s good,” he said, looking at her with surprise. “I think that’s better than Emilio’s. Did you do something different?”

  “Yes,” Min said. “But that’s my secret. You have secrets, I have secrets.”

  “I don’t have secrets,” Cal said.

  “Dinner,” Min said and went to set the table as “Love Me Tender” began again.

  They talked through dinner and the dishes, and Min tried not to enjoy it, tried to remember the bet, but it was so comfortable being with him that she kept forgetting. Somehow he’d slipped into her life and under her skin, and she was happy about that even though she knew that was his plan. I don’t have a plan, she thought, and that was so good that she gave up and smiled at him and when he left, she kissed him good night without reservation, and he leaned in the doorway and said, “Minnie, about this friends thing,” and she pushed him out gently and closed the door to keep from saying, “I hate that, forget that, make love to me.”

  Because that, she told herself as she went back to Elvis, would be bad.

  At seven Wednesday night, David was in his shirtsleeves, trying to find two shipments that had gone astray and thinking about how to get to Min, who’d once brought him a Caesar salad (no croutons), when his office door banged open and Cynthie stood there in another tailored suit, this one pink.

  “Oh good, it’s you,” he said flatly.

  “They’re still dating.” Cynthie came in and closed the door. “You were supposed to make your move.”

  “I did,” David said. “She said no. And I left the tie but Cal messengered it back to me, so that didn’t work. But she also said she wasn’t going to sleep with him, so I’m thinking if we wait—”

  “Well, wait for this. He took her home to meet his mother.”

  David sat up straighter as the cold hit his spine. “What?”

  “He took her home to meet his mother,” Cynthie said again. “It took me seven months to get Cal to take me home to his parents. She did it in three weeks. David, I’m losing him.”

  “His mother,” David said, and thought, The bastard. He’ll do anything to win that bet. “Fuck.” He looked up, startled that he’d said it out loud. “Sorry.”

  “No,” Cynthie said, stopping in front of him. “You are not sorry. You are mad.”

  “Yeah, I am.” David thought about Cal Morrisey and got madder. Somebody should stop guys like him. He stood up. “So what am I supposed to do about it?”

  “Fight for her,” Cynthie said. “She’s your girlfriend. Get her back.”

  “I tried,” David said, losing some steam. “She likes Cal.”

  “You are the most passive son of a bitch,” Cynthie said. “No wonder she never slept with you. You probably never asked her.”

  “Thank you,” David said. “That’s great coming from somebody who got turned down after putting out for nine months. Don’t see that being aggressive worked for you, sweetheart. Maybe you’re the one with the heat problem.”

  “Listen, you,” Cynthie said. “I have a perfect body and I am great in bed.”

  “You know, I doubt it,” David said, coming around his desk. “Don’t bother to open your jacket again. I already saw that commercial.”

  Cynthie gaped at him. “You bastard.”

  “Well, hell, Cynthie, what do you expect? You come in here screaming at me and calling me names because your ex took the woman I love home to meet his mother. If you want to stop it, go get him. Unbutton your jacket at him.” David stopped and closed his eyes. “Look, I’m tired, I’m miserable, and I haven’t had sex in three months. Take your perfect body back to the guy who was having perfect sex with you. I have work to do.”

  When she didn’t say anything, he opened his eyes. She was frowning at him.

  “They’re not sleeping together,” Cynthie said.

  “I know,” David said. “So nobody’s getting any. Great. Go away.”

  “You can tell by the way they act together,” she said, and he stopped. “I was just at The Long Shot. Min was there with Cal. I watched them. They haven’t done it. You can tell, people touch differently when they’ve had sex, they relax, they . . .” Cynthie took a step closer. “They haven’t done it. We can still get them back. And I know a great aphrodisiac.”

  “Right,” David said. “You unbutton your jacket.”

  “No,” Cynthie said, so close now she was almost touching him. “Pain. If joy doesn’t work, try pain. Like jealousy. It’s a physiological cue, a very powerful one. They’re going to Emilio’s now, I heard them say so. We’re going to go.”

  David stepped back and bumped into his desk. “Cynthie, I don’t—”

  “But first,” Cynthie said. “We’re going to have sex.”

  David froze.

  “It’s been three months for me, too,” Cynthie said. “So we are going to have incredible, athletic, sweaty sex right here, and then we’re going to go to dinner. And Cal will know. People look different when they’ve just had sex.”

  David swallowed. “Well, thank you, but I don’t think it’s going to—”

  Cynthie unbuttoned her jacket, revealing a shiny pink bra that was so sheer it was probably illegal in several states.

  “—accomplish anything beyond making us both feel foolish—”

  She dropped her jacket to the floor and unzipped her skirt.

  “—after the shallow physical thrill—”

  Her skirt slid down her remarkable legs, and David was left looking at the most perfect body he’d ever seen in the flesh.

  “—subsides,” he finished lamely.

  She walked up to him. “You’re not going to say no to me.”

  “I guess not,” David said and let her drag him
to the floor.

  It was odd having Diana with her, Min realized when they were in The Long Shot. Like two different worlds colliding. Di looked around at everything with new eyes, smiled her delight at Shanna, laughed at everything Tony said, watched Cal with approval, and asked where Liza was, as if she wanted the complete cast of Min’s life there.

  “Working,” Tony said. “She’s decided that she’s going to revamp Emilio’s night shift first and save lunch for later. I haven’t seen her since she started.”

  “We should go to Emilio’s,” Roger said. “That way you could see Liza.”

  “I don’t want—” Tony said, but Min said, “You know, that’s a good idea. I’m hungry and Di’s never been there,” and they migrated the two blocks to Emilio’s.

  “These guys are so great,” Di whispered to her. “I didn’t know you had such a great group.”

  “Well, I don’t know that I have a group,” Min said and then realized that Di was right, that she was as relaxed with Tony as she was with Cal and that she’d long ago accepted Roger as the honorary brother-in-law that Bonnie was about to make him.

  Liza met them at the door, in a little black dress that looked like a million dollars but probably cost her ten in a thrift store somewhere. “Welcome to Emilio’s,” she said, winking at Di. “You’re going to love it here.”

  “I don’t know,” Cal said, sotto voce from behind Min and Di. “I heard the service was Tart.”

  Di elbowed Min, and said, “You weren’t supposed to tell anybody,” and then Cal grinned at her and she laughed.

  “Charm Boy,” Min said.

  Brian showed up, impeccably dressed, as Liza led them to the table by the window. “Hello,” he said. “I’m Brian, and I’ll be your server tonight.”

  “Brian?” Cal said.

  “Mr. Morrisey,” Brian said, glaring at him.

  “Don’t let the consumers get you down, Brian,” Liza said, putting her hand on his arm. “Remember, you’re better than they are.”

  “Yes, Liza,” Brian said, adoration oozing from his pores.

  “Oh, God,” Cal said.

  “You have my permission to be rude to Mr. Morrisey,” Liza told Brian.

  “Good,” Brian said, and slapped Cal on the back of the head with the menu, making Di laugh again.

  “What is this place?” she said, looking around.

  “Home,” Cal said, and Min nodded, seeing her life through Di’s eyes. It was a damn good life but somehow it had gotten tangled up in Cal’s. What am I going to do when he leaves? The thought chilled her, that she’d let things get this far, that she was in this much danger, and she stayed silent through most of dinner, listening to Diana chatter on with everybody else, watching Cal, his tie loosened and his sleeves rolled up, completely at home and smiling at her. He looked solid sitting there, not like David’s fashionable leanness or Greg’s gym-toned obviousness, but broad and strong and real and infinitely desirable. I could say yes to him before he goes, she thought and felt a wave of heat roll over her, and even though she knew she’d never do it, she let herself have one brief fantasy of falling back with his solid weight on top of her, his hands hot on her again, her arms wrapped around the broad bulk of him, one visceral moment that made her half close her eyes and bite her lip, and when she shook it off, he was watching her, not smiling anymore.

  “Come here and tell me what you’re thinking, Minerva,” he said, leaning toward her.

  “I don’t think so, Calvin,” she said, regrouping.

  “Hel-lo” Tony said, and the rest of the table looked where he was looking.

  David and Cynthie had come in, looking flushed. Brian gestured them to a table like a pro, and David put his hand on Cynthie’s lower back as they followed. Cynthie didn’t seem to mind.

  “Why don’t they just wear T-shirts that say, ‘We did it’?” Tony said.

  “Shhh,” Cal said. “Don’t ruin this beautiful moment.”

  Min looked at him. “You don’t mind?”

  “Why would I?” Cal said.

  “Well, she . . .” Min let the word trail off.

  “Is history,” Cal said.

  “Okay,” Min said, trying very hard not to feel glad about that.

  “How about David?” Cal said.

  “Not even history,” Min said. “The man brought me an Eiffel Tower snow globe, for heaven’s sake.”

  “We should send them a nice bottle of wine,” Cal said.

  “Why?” Tony said.

  “So they’ll get drunk and go back to bed,” Cal said. He caught Liza frowning down at him and said, “What now?”

  “Nothing,” Liza said. “I’m just thinking.”

  “Well, think about somebody else,” Cal said. “Think about Tony.”

  “I have Tony figured out,” Liza said. “You, however, are a mystery.”

  “I’m a mystery,” Tony said, wounded.

  “Want to have sex tonight?” Liza said.

  “Yes,” Tony said.

  “No mystery,” Liza said, and turned back to Cal. “Do you have any weaknesses?”

  “Min,” Cal said, smiling at Min.

  Liza closed her eyes in disgust. “I’m trying to think if I’ve ever seen you caught off guard.”

  “Well, there was the time Bentley hit me with the ball,” Cal said.

  “I know.” Liza straightened behind Cal’s chair. “Singing. You’re not shy but you won’t sing. Why is that?”

  “Lousy voice,” Cal said.

  Liza looked at Tony. “True?”

  “Nope,” Tony said. “Quit hassling him.”

  “You take care of your friends, I’ll take care of mine,” Liza said to him and turned back to Cal. “So why not?”

  “Stage fright,” Cal said. “I can’t perform in public. Too self-conscious.”

  “You?” Liza said. “I would never have guessed it.” She folded her arms. “So what would it take to get you to sing?”

  “A gun pointed at my head,” Cal said.

  “Liza,” Min said, seeing a light in Liza’s eyes that boded no good for anyone. “Why are you pushing this?”

  “Here’s the deal,” Liza said, leaning over Cal’s shoulder, her mouth close to his ear. “You sing right now, here, in front of everybody—”

  “No,” Cal said.

  “—and I will never say or do another thing to keep you away from Min.”

  Cal sat very still for a minute, and then he said to Min, “Does she keep her deals?”

  “Of course she does,” Min said. “Which doesn’t mean—”

  Cal looked up at Liza. “What do you want to hear?”

  “Oh, I’ll let you pick,” Liza said, straightening. “That should be interesting all by itself.”

  “Why are you doing this?” Min said to Liza, exasperated.

  “Because up until now, he’s had it easy,” Liza said, still watching Cal. “I want to see if he’ll break a sweat for you.”

  “It hasn’t been all that easy,” Cal said.

  “You don’t have to do this,” Min said to Cal. “I mean it.”

  “Why?” Cal said. “Men have been singing to women for centuries. It’s right up there with giving them jewelry.”

  “Buy me a nice keychain,” Min said.

  He put his hand on the back of her chair and leaned forward. “Pay attention, Minnie, because you’ll never hear me do this again.”

  “Cal,” she said, but then he began to sing “Love Me Tender,” his snarky grin in place as he oversold the song, deepening his voice in a not-bad Elvis impression.

  “Not Elvis,” Tony groaned, and Roger shook his head and laughed at the ceiling, but Min lost her breath because Cal’s voice was beautiful and because, after the first verse, his grin faded, and he began to sing it for real. All other sound stopped, and it was just the two of them as he looked into her eyes and asked her to love him, and she felt dizzy because he meant it, whatever else was going on, whatever else was happening between them, this was real. Even
if it was just for this moment, and it’s just for this moment, it was real, and he loved her, and it was better than anything she could have dreamed of, and she felt her heart ache, felt it clench in her chest because she loved him so much she couldn’t stand it. Don’t do this to me, she thought as he sang, don’t break my heart, I don’t deserve this, please don’t, and when he finished, perfectly on key with “I love you, and I always will,” the silence around them was deafening. Oh, God, Min thought, and looked in his eyes and saw the same surprise there, and regret and confusion, and she thought, It wasn’t him, it’s this thing that’s haunting us, he didn’t mean it.

  Then Diana said, “Wow,” and Liza said, “All right, I am impressed,” and Min grabbed her purse and walked out of the restaurant.

  Chapter Twelve

  Min let the restaurant door bang behind her and crossed the sidewalk, blind with the need to save herself. She stepped off the curb and a horn blared and somebody yanked her back from the street, and she turned and barged into Cal.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, holding on to her. “Whatever it was that I did—”

  “You’re going to hurt me,” she said, breathless.

  “What?” he said, looking appalled. “No. I’d never—”

  “You’re going to break my heart,” Min said, taking a breath like a sob. “I’m going to love you, and you’re going to leave, you always do, it’s what you do, and I don’t think I can get over you, if I ever let go and love you, I think it’ll be forever because it’s so deep, it already hurts just the little bit I let myself—”

  “Min, I’d never hurt you,” Cal said.

  “Not on purpose,” Min said. “But you have the right to leave. You’ve never promised me you’d stay. That’s the way it always is. You’re wonderful, you know us, and we love you, and you leave. I can’t do that. I could tell myself that David was an idiot who didn’t know me, but you know me.”

  “Min, wait,” Cal said, trying to put his arms around her.

  “No,” Min said, slipping away. “Nobody in my life has ever known me the way you do. Nobody in my life has ever made me feel as good as you do. You know me, you know everything about me, and when you leave me, you’re going to be leaving the real me, the me nobody else has ever seen, that’s who you’re going to be rejecting.”