Becoming Jesse's Father (Dancing Moon Ranch Book 5)

by Patricia Watters

  Crouching on his heels, he studied the imprints. It wasn't long before he knew precisely which lion it was. The thought sent a chill through him that had nothing to do with the cold. "Three Toes," he said, in a voice that held no doubt. "My father and the other ranchers around here have been tracking him for years. He lost a toe in a trap, so there's no mistaking him. He's also a very dangerous animal, and not just because of his size."

  "What do you mean?" Emily asked.

  Adam stood. "Most mountain lions kill to eat. Three Toes kills for sport. When he hits a ranch, he leaves behind a string of carcasses, many of them untouched." He followed the path in the snow to where the lion had dragged his prey, and said, "From the looks of the size of the prey, it was probably a full grown deer. We'll most likely find its remains nearby. He'd want a secluded place to feed." He kicked aside brush and spotted a mound covered with twigs and leaves. Scraping off the debris with his boot, he uncovered the carcass of a deer that had been gutted, most of the major organs consumed, and a good portion of the rump muscle eaten away. "It's pretty fresh, probably killed early this morning," he said. He scanned the area for territorial markings, seeing the usual scrape marks, feces, and urine, yellow against the snow.

  Emily walked over to where Adam stood looking around, his hands on his hips, and said, "Do you think he'll be back?"

  "The kill's fresh and he isn't done with it yet, so yeah, he'll be back. He's probably still in the area, maybe even watching us now, so no matter what, don't let your son outside. A child's a target. And I'm staying here with you tonight." It was a snap decision, but Adam had no intention of leaving Emily and her son alone.

  When he turned to see Emily's reaction, and caught the worried look on her face, he said, "Don’t worry, Em. I'll be on the couch." He hadn't planned to sleep anywhere else. Still, it bothered him that Emily hadn't given the slightest indication that she wanted him there with her at the cabin. Then she shifted her eyes from him to a point behind him, and her face looked stricken. When he turned to see what had captured her attention, he had to blink several times to clear his vision. Standing, not more than ten feet away, was a boy, with dark wavy hair and large brown eyes who could have been any one of his younger brothers at that age.

  And then he was hit by the sudden reality of exactly who the boy was.

  CHAPTER 4

  Catching sight of Jesse standing in the open, knowing a mountain lion could be ready to spring, sent a surge of adrenaline through Emily. Rushing over to where he stood, she scooped him up in her arms, and said, "Honey, you mustn't ever leave the cabin without Mommy." Carrying him around the front she bounded up the steps to the porch and went inside the cabin and waited for Adam. She wasn't ready to explain, but she had no choice. Even at Jesse's young age there was no mistaking him as Adam's son.

  When Adam stepped into the cabin and closed the door, the hard look on his face sent Jesse wiggling out of Emily's arms and racing into the bedroom.

  "I was going to tell you about him," Emily said. "The time wasn't right."

  "Tell me when?" Adam asked. "In a letter after I had you settled far away from here?" He started toward the bedroom where the door remained open.

  Emily rushed after him and placed her hand on his arm to stop him. "Please don't go after him right now," she said. "He's terrified of men, and when you came in you looked angry. Well you are angry, and you have a right to be. But you have to understand about Jesse, which was why I wanted to talk to you before you learned about him. Erik has him completely traumatized."

  "If that bastard laid a hand on him, I'll kill him," Adam said, fists in knots at his side.

  "What you just said is exactly why I didn't want you to learn about Jesse yet. You're no match for Erik. There's no way you could come out ahead. But to put your mind at rest, he never raised a hand to either Jesse or me. He was much more subtle, but no less threatening. All Jesse has to see is a big man and he runs for cover."

  Adam's fists curled tighter as he continued to stare into the hallway. Then he looked at Emily, and said, "Why didn't you contact me? I had a right to know about him."

  "Maybe we could talk outside," Emily said, while taking Adam's arm to turn him toward the front door. "You're upset and your tone of voice reflects it. I want Jesse to learn to love and trust you, but he won't if he hears you using the tone you are now. And it's also going to take time."

  Adam looked at Emily so long and hard it made her uneasy. A brief reminder of Erik, though her logical mind said there was no danger. Still, she found herself backing away from Adam, her breathing becoming shallow, her heart racing, her hands shaking.

  Adam's expression changed from anger to awareness. He started toward her, while saying, "It's okay, Em. Don't back away." When she remained where she was, he put his arms around her and held her, and when his hand came up to cup the back of her head and press the side of her face to his chest, she let him hold her, just stand and hold her and allow him to soak up all the hurt and fear she'd been living with. After what she'd put him through it wasn't fair of her, she knew, but she couldn't stop herself from wanting to be where she was.

  After a while, Adam said, "We have to talk about how I should handle Jesse."

  Emily raised her head and looked up at him, and replied, through a blur of tears, "I know, but we also have to talk about Erik so you understand."

  "He's out of your life," Adam said. "I'll see that he stays out."

  Emily turned out of Adam's arms and took his elbow and led him onto the porch, then pulled the front door closed, and said, "This is what scares me the most about you, and is the reason I didn't want you to find me here until I was settled some place, with a job where Erik would never find me. Then I intended to tell you about Jesse so you could get to know him and be the father he’s never had. But you're acting the way I knew you would if you learned about him too soon. You might have been a match for Erik in high school, but you're no match for him now."

  "Look, just because he's a big shot Green Beret doesn't mean he'll automatically make mincemeat out of me," Adam replied.

  Emily eyed him with irritation. "You are completely underestimating Erik, and you’re also overestimating your abilities if faced with him, so promise me you'll do nothing."

  Adam looked steadily at her, and replied, "The only thing I'll promise is, if he ever comes near you or Jesse, he's a dead man."

  "Damn, you're stubborn," Emily said. "This isn't about a high school power struggle between two alpha males anymore, it's about you understanding, very clearly, what Erik's capable of doing, so I'll lay it out for you in a way that maybe you'll understand. First off, Erik starts every day with a four mile run with forty pounds on his back. He prides himself at having been top man during training when battling his way through deadly assault courses and minefields and booby trapped mazes, and being able to withstand freezing temperatures while pushing himself to the limits of human endurance and concentration, all without food or sleep. It's like he thrives on this stuff. It's an ego thing."

  "I'm not exactly out of shape," Adam said in defense.

  Which Emily expected. Another reason why she hadn't wanted him to know about Jesse until he understood. Really, really understood, about Erik. Adam wasn't even close to understanding the scope of it. "I know you're not out of shape," she said. "In fact you're way ahead of our school mates in being in excellent shape, but it doesn't mean you're a match for Erik. When he was a recruit, he and the other men were put through a simulation of being hunted and captured by enemy forces, after which they were deprived of food and sleep and relentlessly interrogated. Only one in four recruits passed. Erik had the highest score. And at Airborne school, when the men were given an out because of high winds, Erik parachuted anyway, in spite of forty-mile-an-hour winds. He has no fear of anything, like he has no sense of self preservation, only a driving need to prove himself inhuman."

  When Adam looked as if he was about to come to his own defense again, she added, "Erik also has dozens of bo
oks on becoming a mercenary and a hit man. When I asked why he was reading the books he said, in a tone that was a warning, not an answer, that I didn't want to know. Then he went on to tell me how much he loved me, but if I ever tried to leave him, he'd track me down an kill me. That's how Erik's mind works."

  From the solemn look on Adam's face, she knew he'd finally taken some of what she'd said to heart. But she still wasn't convinced he completely understood. It was almost impossible to understand what motivated a man like Erik, or how potentially dangerous he was. She placed her hand on Adam's arm, and said, "I didn't come here for you to get involved with Erik. I came because I wanted you to get to know Jesse and to be a father to him."

  Adam seemed to be thinking about that, but from the puzzled frown on his brow she knew he still had questions. Or maybe he was questioning why she had her hand on his arm, so she removed it and clasped her hands together and waited for him to say what was on his mind.

  Adam made a gesture with his hand, as if he were about to reach for her, then curved his hand in a loose fist, and said, "If he's what you claim, how did you manage to divorce him?"

  It came to Emily that her touching Adam's arm, and his acting as if he wanted to reach out to her, and her standing with her hands clasped in front of her, were awkward gestures because it was an awkward situation, two people who had freely shared their bodies with each other, even creating a child, standing so close their breaths mingled, yet not touching because circumstances dictated they shouldn't.

  But if she could sit on the couch with Adam and hold his hand, it would be easier to say the things she wanted to say, but she couldn't, so she clasped her hands tighter, as if she were holding his hand, and said, "I read that the only way to break off a relationship with a sociopath was to be everything he didn't want, so I stopped bathing, and I pretended I was tired, and sick, and depressed. I acted incompetently, and then made my mistakes seem like accidents. If he got mad, I'd say 'I don't know what's come over me.' In general, I became intolerable to live with. After a few months, he saw me as a weak-willed whining sissy, and when I told him I thought I was a burden to him, and if he wanted to divorce me I'd understand, he took me up on it. The only stipulation was, if I ever left with Jesse, he'd hunt me down and kill me." She was tempted to tell Adam the rest, but that would have to wait until he and Jesse had bonded.

  Adam drew in a long breath, let it out slowly, and said in a weary voice touched with melancholy, "What do I do to get Jesse to trust me? How do I get to know my son?"

  "You give him time," Emily said, "maybe get down on the floor with him so he's not looking up at you. That way he'll feel less threatened by your size. And smile." She reached out and placed the palm of her hand on his face, and said, while her thumb stroked his bottom lip, "You have a wonderful smile. Jesse would love it."

  Adam took her hand from his face and started to bring it to his lips, then released her hand, and said, "It's hard to smile when you don't feel happy."

  "How can you not feel happy?" Emily said. "You have a son who will one day look up to you as his father and trust you, and give you hugs and kisses when you tuck him in bed at night, and you can get him a pony and teach him how to ride and how to throw a rope and be everything you want in a son, and maybe he'll grow up to become the man you are."

  Adam didn't want to hear this from Emily. About being a father to his son, yes, but not the rest, because Emily was also telling him in an offhanded way that she wanted him, again. But she was also placing no restrictions on him with Jesse. "Then you'll trust me with him?"

  "Of course," Emily replied, "and Jesse will trust you too, in time."

  Adam moved slowly toward her, the look on her face a reminder of how it had been when he was about to kiss her years ago, but just before his lips touched hers he moved away from her, and said, "Tomorrow I'm going back to the ranch to get the 30-30 and a couple of Dad's redbone coonhounds and see if I can flush out the lion. If he's still around and the dogs can manage to send him up a tree or a rocky slope, I might be able to shoot him."

  "Do you really have to kill him?" Emily asked. "Can't the dogs just drive him away?"

  "Do you want to take the chance of his getting Jesse?" Adam asked.

  "Of course not," Emily replied, "but it seems so sad to kill a beautiful animal."

  "This lion's deadly," Adam said. "He's an ambush hunter who lays in wait and appears without warning, and when he attacks, he plants his teeth into his prey and kills by suffocating it or breaking its neck. Dad saw him jump a six foot fence, kill a calf and jump back over the fence with the calf in his mouth and run off. He could do the same with Jesse."

  Emily looked at Adam in stunned surprise. "I didn't know. I thought mountain lions ran off when people were around."

  "Most do," Adam said, "but not this one. He's a rogue lion, which is why he's so dangerous."

  "Would you be able to kill him quickly then, so he wouldn't suffer?" Emily asked.

  Adam looked at her soberly, and said, "Honey, if I ever get a shot at that cat I won't be worrying about whether he suffers or not. I'll just want him dead." Then he put his arm around her shoulders, and said, "Come on, let's go inside. I want to start getting acquainted with my son."

  When they entered the house, Jesse, who’d been standing near the back of the room, turned and ran into the bedroom. Adam went over to stand in the open doorway, but when Jesse saw him, he screamed, and cried for his mother while backing up, until he was pressed against the headboard. "It's okay, son," Adam said in a soft voice.

  "No!" Jesse screamed. "Mommy.... no... no... no....go! Mommy!" His voice broke into a wail, and his face became red and contorted, and his hands rolled into fists, and he sat in the middle of the bed, arms stiff, and screamed at the top of his lungs until Emily rushed past Adam and swept Jesse into her arms. Sitting on the bed, she rocked him until his cries became sobs that eventually broke into hiccups, and finally faded from exhaustion.

  ***

  Adam sat on the couch, waiting for Emily to finish calming Jesse, but as he listened to his son's wails and sobs, he couldn't help feeling the old bitterness toward Emily that had festered from the day she walked out of his life, a bitterness which now included the fact that she'd been pregnant with his son when she returned his ring. Another month and she would have known she was pregnant, but she couldn't wait. Erik came slithering back into her life and she left with him.

  Even though you love her she still might not be the right woman for you...

  Those hadn't been idle words coming from his grandmother. They'd pointed out the reality of the relationship he'd had with Emily for years, like being trapped on a roller coaster he could never get off. But this time he had to get off. Emily would always be a part of his life because he intended to be a father to Jesse, but he had to guard his heart and make sure Jesse's mother didn't get too close to it again.

  After a while, Emily left the bedroom, quietly pulling the door closed, and said, "He's exhausted, so he'll sleep for a while."

  Adam sat on the couch, arms crossed, while he deliberated over what to do next. Emily and Jesse couldn't stay alone in the cabin with a mountain lion in the immediate vicinity, probably lying in wait, especially if the lion spotted Jesse earlier. But he couldn't take them back to the ranch on his horse either because, even though Emily could ride behind him on Max's rump, Jesse was too terrified to be anywhere near him, so holding him in the saddle in front of him was out of the question. So there was only one alternative.

  "I'm going to ride to the top of the mountain where I can get a signal on the cell and call my dad and have him come here with the Winchester 30-30 and the dogs."

  "No," Emily said, quickly. "I don't want your family to know I'm here."

  "They already do." Adam replied.

  "You promised," Emily said, in a desperate voice. "You gave me your word."

  "There was no way around it," Adam said. "My mom thinks you should go to the women's shelter and I agree. It's the best pla
ce for you and Jesse until we find a safe place for you. The women running the shelter are in constant contact with the police, who are the only people who know where the shelter is, and they'll also find a safe place for you and Jesse. They know how to handle these things. They do it all the time."

  "No," Emily said, while backing away. "I'll take Jesse and we'll leave, today. I'll hike back over the mountain and find somewhere to stay." She kept moving back until she stood with her palms pressed against the bedroom door, and in her eyes Adam saw terror, and her face was frozen in fear. It seemed irrational, but it was real.

  He moved toward her, and as she stiffened, he said, in the quiet tone he used when calming a skittish horse, "Relax, Em. You don't have go to the shelter if you don't want to. It's okay."

  Emily's eyes filled with tears and her hands started shaking, and she started sucking in great gasps of air. And that's all it took for Adam to close the gap between them and take her in his arms and press her head to his chest and let her cry. And as he felt her body heaving and shaking in his arms, he said, in a weary voice, "What has he done to you?" then vowed if Erik ever set foot on the Dancing Moon Ranch, he'd kill him. There was no way he'd threaten Emily or Jesse again. He wanted to take her by the shoulders and move her away slightly so he could look at her and assure her she didn't have to leave, but it had been so long since he'd held her he couldn't bring himself to release her, so he continued holding her.

  It was strange how the feel of her in his arms came back, with her head resting just under his chin, and her shoulders in the hollows of his shoulders, and her breasts snug against his chest, as it had been when he held her before. He rested his cheek against the top of her head and stroked her hair, and tried not to think beyond the moment or analyze his motives for holding her the way he was. But after a while she turned out of his arms, and with the hem of her shirt, mopped her eyes, and said, "I guess I just needed a good cry. I feel better now."