Hell Again

by Mihret Adal Gidi

  Chapter Five

  I open my eyes, resting my head on his chest, rocking me up and down as he breathes. We’re still in that magical cave, but I can’t pay attention to the fact that the pain my body welcomes me with is greater than the beauty that I can still enjoy. Like I’ve been pinched a lot, my skin burns and etches all over, as my body welcomes me in tiresome. I don’t want to sit up and face him in any way since my brain is disturbingly hosting a flashback of him dominant on top of me.

  This could have been the start of something but now that I know…or I feel like I know what he enjoys, this could also be the end of whatever this is. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to shake the feeling off, but he tightens his arm that is placed on my shoulder, which pops my eyes open with new energy to sit up so suddenly. It’s not that I hate his touch but the fact that my body pain isn’t allowing me to enjoy it.

  “Are you okay?” he asks me, following me in sitting up.

  “Yee…” I get busy, with my attention stuck on the bruise on my arms, chest, my thigh and legs, making me appear alienated. “Yes, I’m fine.” I force a worried spread on my lips.

  “Don’t worry about this,” he says, looking at me deadpan as he takes my right arm in his hands. “This can easily be getting rid of.”

  “I’m fine,” I take my arm away to myself, slowly sliding it out his soft grip.

  “Are you in pain?” he asks, and I look into his eyes, lost. “Was I vicious?” he clears his question.

  It was about time, I wonder, as I lick my lower lip wet and slightly bite my lower lip; thinking to respond favourably. I mean, I don’t have to be rude, even if I don’t want this, the thing we have.

  “You see me in fear and I know how I was. For the first time ever I hate it, my ways and I. I realised the depth of my change and I hate it. I am disgusted of what I have become and what I still am.”

  What’s that supposed to mean? I press my lips in thin line and close my eyes shut, but take time to digest his words. “I actually don’t hate it,” I whisper and open my eyes. “What time is it?” I stretch, trying to reach to my dress, but I am extra careful to avoid body contact between us.

  “I don’t deserve you,” he says, and I cease on my doings, swallowing nothing down my throat.

  “Look,” sitting up facing him as I cover my body with the dress.

  “I know I harmed you and I can see it on your skin, but then again you are willing to take your pain in, keep it to yourself.” He narrows his eyes at me, “I have never seen anyone like you, who would see me for what I was like, and who would make me feel bad about what I am now.”

  “I’m sorry,” I can feel my lips contracting inwards as they gradually dry in shock. “I…I really don’t want you to feel this way, I mean. It was something I have never tried.”

  “You’ve actually never tried anything, in that case.”

  “It hurts. I can’t lie about it and the pain still lingers.”

  “But?” he asks me, elevating his eyebrows and I close my eyes as I press my chest with my right hand’s palm.

  “I don’t know how to act about this. I don’t know how to explain what I feel towards it,” I close my eyes, trying to hide my watery eyes behind my eyelids. “But I’m too confused, too confused to what I want to the point that I sometimes feel like I lose my power of willingness, like something overpowers me.” I open my eyes, cumulating air on my chest.

  “This is too much for you, I can apprehend that much. I will give you the space you deserve. Take time and think over what you need.”

  Are we over? What is he saying?

  “You said it before, you like that I give you a choice. So, I will do it again. I want to give you some space to think about everything. I want you to take time and indulge moments without me. Truth is, I wasn’t supposed to give you choices, offer you time to think over what you want in this place, to choose this over the land you’re well acquainted with… I was actually hoping that you would open your eyes wider.” I hear him exhaling long behind me. “The real truth is, you have power over me in ways that I fear you for making me look back to me, to my old self. I am not thinking right. I doubt if you really belong here, after all I run into you.”

  “We run in to each other,” I quietly try to correct him.

  “I want to do things I never done before, for you…and perhaps me. I want you to take time alone and think over what you need here.” Then everything falls under sombre silence. “Think if you want me, consider I am willing to change my ways for you.”

  “I don’t understand.” Oh my! Did I do something wrong or am I misunderstanding this?

  “Look,” he kneels before me and holds my shoulders with his hands. I’m not sure if exhaling long means ‘everything is going to be okay’, or if it means, ‘understand me we are done’. “This is me,” he spreads his arms sideways with a smile hidden behind his lips. “I won’t be going anywhere, I can’t…for now.” He smiles, making me smile, perplexed at what he is saying. “When you can really see things, see things for how they are, and still choose to stand by me, I will yield you to the life you desire with me, sacrifice my needs to yours, give up every plans I ever have and for you – that is a promise.”

  “I still don’t understand,” I repeat myself. He said a lot and I heard him well, but I only understand him little. I am not sure if he means to accept his good and bad side, since he promised to change his ways for me. I don’t know what he means when he says for me to see things the way they are; am I hallucinating or is there something that I am not understanding that needs my genuine focus? I heard what he said in deed but I doubt if I understand him on every point.

  “Just, take some time off me and then you’ll understand.” He smiles and I smile back, but I pull myself up to his presence to blow him a light kiss on his lips.

  “For how long?” he narrows his eyes quizzically and I spread my lips.

  “Not long,” he says. “Just some hours and then we’ll see,” he says, and I gasp, thinking of my next question. “Please, don’t ask me when to start,” I giggle, and he laughs, gracefully moving his shoulder up and down.

  “I actually want to explore around, if possible,” I smile as I dress myself and he smiles, staying still. “All. By. My. Self,” I utter slowly and kiss him on his head as I stand up.

  “Are you saying the ‘time taking’ starts now?” he asks, smiling playfully and this is the first time I have ever seen him in this state.

  “You said it would take not long, right?” I giggle as I start walking towards the waterfall and he stays still, following me with his eyes only.

  As I get five feet away, I start feeling allaying splashes of water on my face. Spreading my arms sideways and down, I close my eyes as I lift my chin up, welcoming the fresh cooling touches of the water all over me. Slowly, I turn around to face him; slowly pilling my eyelids only to meet his gaze still fixed at me with his lips spreading sideways. As I smile back at him, I walk back, taking slow steps, one after the other and the splash of water slowly starts to turn in to stream, and then I am totally touched by the shimmering touches of it and I gasp in satisfaction at the cooling water meeting my burning skin. Before thinking twice over it, I take a step forwards and then turn to make a jump out; screaming louder cheerfully.

  ***

  “Too blind to be true,” he utters, sitting comfortably on his throne; made of combination of a grease like substance that’s oil black in colour and sharp long thorns. It seems to have its own life that it moves seldomly, but he doesn’t seem to dislike it. He is sitting comfortably; his fingers interlocking as they meet by his abdomen, as his arms are elbowing the banister to the throne. His eyes are narrowed to the thought that is bugging his mind for a while. “I have never seen anyone with those eyes, that jubilant joy that’s graced with unbearable might upon…” he tightens his jaw as he clinches his hand, narrowing his gaze to his thought.

  “Upon?” a deep voice echoes from every end of the gloomy, fogy hall that feels in
auspicious.

  “I don’t want to say it, but I saw his change and I saw me in her eyes,” he stands. “Her blindness is too perfect…and yet still I saw how I was befo…” he looks at his arms and forms a fist with his hands as he looks up, in clear disappointment in his eyes. He can’t believe he almost enjoy that.

  “And just like that, you are about to fail for father’s trap,” the voice echoes once again. “I’m too close to finding our brother, I can feel him. We will unite and start the war,” the voice utters. “That’s if you didn’t yield to father’s plan, already,” it adds in sarcasm. It’s in its nature, deceiving. It can’t do nothing but to deceive.

  “That shall never happen!” he screams and turns, only to walk down three tread and ceased on taking more and grip on his black cloak to put a hold on himself and control his anger.

  “And so, shall you stop our brother before it’s too late?” the voice says. “That’s if you can resist passing this…unyielding challenge of trail, crossing our path,” it adds mockingly, making the man in the hood forcefully tighten his grip on the cloak.

  “I will start now,” he utters, in heated up mood. “besides the wall is almost done and it is great to know you are close to finding our brother,” he says through his teeth and walks out with full force.

  ***

  I know I’ve done so much and wasted quite some time, walking around the beautiful breath-taking woods, running after huge bunnies and splashing river water on me, even my dress is dry now, but the morning still feels too long, despite the long time I wasted.

  I don’t know where exactly I am now but I’m not afraid that I am alone in a strange land either. I’m sitting at the edge of a dock that’s well structured to a lake. I love the view here; the beauty of nature before me is exquisite and surprisingly quiet. I mean, where I’m from, we love exploring our land to the end, we love discovering beauty and enjoying it. This place is left to the wilds; I have seen some animals in distance, different in size and some creatures I haven’t seen before in my life, non that tried to attack me by far. It’s so peaceful and calming but at the same time it makes me feel alone. I’ve never been alone.

  “Here’s surprise gazing back at beauty,” his brother startles me with his presence.

  “Oh,” I gasp pressing my chest with my right hand. I jump to stand up and he helps me, supporting me by my right arm and I press a smile.

  “I’m sorry that I startled you,” he utters politely.

  “I think I was thinking too much that I didn’t hear you approach me,” I smile. He is not looking at me, not even once that I feel a bit odd.

  “I actually saw you while passing through and thought you might need company,” he says, and I press a spread on my lips. “I brought you someone to enlighten you to this place,” he adds as he weaves his left arm to his back, and I look behind him smiling in excitement. His manteaux that weaves with the wind starts lowering, with his movement as he turns around to face her, revealing a woman standing behind him, with her head bowed.

  “You shouldn’t have, I’m o…kay…” I smile, frowning slightly in surprise as she slowly raises her head to face me. I remember her, that clean pale and pristine smooth skin; I recall those Asian wide cognac brown-coloured eyes, the forced smile she placed every time she meets me with those small round rouge pink lips, and now changed in long golden dress that weaves in the air exotically with the touch of the wind. “Oh, hi,” I smile happy before I know it, like I just saw someone too familiar.

  “You know her already?” he says, looking to my direction in surprise, but still not exactly looking at me.

  “Yes, no,” I shake my head, “I mean, we meet this morning, briefly,” I smile to him and he smiles, mildly. “How are you feeling now?” I ask her, taking a step closer, standing between them.

  “I’m well.” She presses that same forced spread on her lips once again and I bite my lower lip, hard.

  “She wasn’t feeling well?” he asks in obviously astonished tone which makes me look at him, perplexed.

  “Well, no one said that to me, but it felt like that,” I utter, feeling unsure about my words and he smiles.

  “This morning with her, it was a bit complicated,” he says, walking to her and clearing her too long silky Lucifer black hair off to her back with his right hand. He is still smiling and like it runs in the family, his smile is just as powerful as his brother’s. “But it’s up to her to tell you about it, up to her,” he adds, smiling. I can tell in her eyes that she feels uneasy to his touch on the nape of her neck with his hand but it doesn’t last long for him to walk away suddenly that she breathes in relief as she tries her very best to hide it from me.

  “But…” I take a step forwards once again and press my lips in a line and roll my eyes at him, shaking my head. “I guess it runs in their family that they like making mystery out of their name.” I breathe a smile as I turn to face her.

  “Better that way and you are lucky,” she says, as her forced smile fades slowly to a sad smile.

  “I’m sorry, but would you mind reminding me of your name?” I press an embarrassment smile as I shrug burry my neck between my shoulders.

  “Baozhai,” she giggles, and I giggle back to her exactly same reaction to mine.

  “I’m Adha,” I repeat myself and we both laugh together to our understanding.

  “You know what, I think you can call me Bao or Zhai,” she says, smiling and I bite my lower lip thinking, with my eyes narrowed.

  “Zhai sounds sexy.”

  “I was hoping finga cossed you would go fo tha,” she says, with her exotic accent.

  “And you can call me as you wish, as well,” I utter, allowing her a free pass to become friends with her as long as I am here.

  “Adha, feels fine wit me of it is wit you,” she adds and I nod, smiling as I suck my lips in and I look away to the green land on the other side of the lake’s end. “You loo tired, you wan to sit?” she looks at me quizzically.

  “I was walking for quite a while,” I smile as I hide the bruise on my wrist in my sleeve. “I think I want to sit.”

  “Okay, sit then?” she says as she walks to the edge of the dock and clearing her hair to her right side of her shoulder, she sits, sharing the spot that I was sitting on. Smiling, I walk to her and take the seat beside her to her left.

  For a while, we stay quiet, looking to the far end. I feel well rested and calm that I take moment thinking about everything in my life. I have to go back and decide on ending it with Ted. He deserves that much. I need to be matured about everything that I am doing, from now on, and I think this is the best thing to do. I still don’t think it is going to be fair for everyone to hear about my decision on the wedding after all the preparation; imagine it, I disappeared for the entire night and day only to show up and announce that it is over. I bet dad will lose his mind over this and mom would... I don’t know, but I am sure everyone will have their share of say in this. I am scared but I have already jumped into this.

  “You think too much,” she says, quite calm and lost in her thoughts as she leans back on her palms.

  “Indeed, I have quite a lot to think about,” I smile, as I pull my left leg up and huddles.

  “You want to talk?”

  “What kind of person is he?” I ask her quietly, but too curious.

  “You mean…”

  “Don’t, please don’t tell me his name,” I hold my right hand to her.

  “He didn’t tell you his name?” she frowns, surprised.

  “He said, he won’t be able to allow me make my own decision. I don’t know what he means,” I breathe in heavily, smilingly as I look down to my bare left foot. “But he said something like…he wants me to choose whether to want to stay here or not…he said I’m not looking at things the way they are. A lot, but I am hoping to hear it coming from him.”

  “This is goo, wary good. Wha you thik?” she is surprised at my surprise. “Tell me,” kneeling up, she holds me on both my shoulders and
slightly yanks me a little.

  “I…” I frown slightly, a bit concerned over the way she is acting. She is making me feel like I just got the golden ticket to a diamond opportunity. “I don’t know, I mean…”

  “Wai…” she says, smiling. “Promise tha you won’t act too much on things.”

  Holy fuck! What the hake is she saying? I bite my lower lip, unsure over my thoughts. “I don’t know what you are saying,” I smile, a little lost.

  “You don’t know what he said too, bu I do, I know. I wa to help you see and decide.”

  “See what?”

  “The real thing in this place, wha you ar, and decide fo yo self.”

  “What are you saying?” I am more confused than what I can explain.

  “Let me show you,” she says, smiling, pleased. Standing up, she offers me her right hand and hesitantly I take it with my left. Standing up, I put my shoes on and march forwards, following her lead to the woods. She seems happy to hear about what I told her, though it confuses me to the extreme.

  Now, I am experiencing mixed emotions; a while earlier, I was thinking about decisions and settling things. I was hoping to make sure things would fall in lines; I was hoping to stay with him. Her reaction and excitement is scaring me and I wasn’t scared when I was alone in a strange place among strange peoples, but like I am left with no choice, I feel I ought to follow her to wherever she is taking me. Truth is that I am. I ought to see things before anything, good or bad.

  Why am I so scared of what she wants to show me? I mean she said it would help me decide, right?

  ***

  A woman in long cherry red sheath dress, split at the hip, is walking in the woods. She is not in a hurry and she is walking in style. She is tall, too tall and well-shaped, with long black hair, with the curly ends bouncing up and down at her back. She has long legs, but not of human like, though she looks human; with hoofed feet, black fetlock and long leg, her leg is that of a leg of a donkey. She walks to a man, waiting for her in the woods.