James Graham Plays 2

by James Graham

  Harrison Course not. What you on about?

  Cocks (beat; waves it off) Nothing.

  Harrison downs his drink.

  Harrison Right. Sure you’re staying? Missus not mind?

  Cocks No. No, missus not mind.

  Harrison Everything alright in that regard? Missus. Family.

  Cocks You asking me as a Whip or a friend, Walter?

  Harrison What do you think?

  Cocks I don’t know. One of them grey areas, in’t it? . . . Yes, Walter. All fine in that regard, ta.

  Harrison (beat) Eh. (Raises his glass.) Three years.

  Cocks (raises his glass) Three years.

  Scene Two

  Opposition Whips’ Office.

  Atkins The Lady is not happy.

  Weatherill Oh dear – Fred, work through those, would you?

  Atkins She can’t really understand why they’re still alive, over there. A minority in the House again and with the absence of pairing. And yet no huge defeats; even, can you believe, some victories. It’s like a game of ping pong, we win by one, they win by one, lose by two, we lose by two, nothing that rocks the boat enough to call for No Confidence.

  Weatherill To be fair, they’ve defied all expectations and are actually getting their chaps in.

  Silvester Not even ‘in’, technically, they’re arriving in taxis and ambulances and being nodded through from New Palace Yard. Can’t we put a stop to nodding through? We did to pairing.

  Atkins No, if they’re infirm and within the grounds they’re entitled to the nod, we have to honour that. What the Lady wants is more aggression, determination. And with that, some new blood to the Whips’ Office.

  Silvester Really? Some young blood?

  Esher (enters, calling in) I’ve intercepted the Chelmsford chap, he’s awaiting orders, sah!

  Atkins Thank you, let him in, would you?

  Mather Right away, sah! (Exiting.)

  Atkins I didn’t say young, I said new.

  Silvester Oh God.

  Speaker The Member for Chelmsford!

  Chelmsford enters.

  Atkins Norman, mum’s the word, but you’ll be getting a call, Shadow Cabinet, another move.

  Chelmsford Oh right, smashing. (Rubs hands.) Lovely, I knew I could rely on her.

  Atkins Shadow Arts.

  Chelmsford . . . Hmm, come again?

  Weatherill You had hinted you wanted a move.

  Chelmsford Yeah, up! Not down!

  Weatherill But you love the theatre, museums, you’re our biggest patron of the lot.

  Chelmsford Yes, but – oh hell! Shad – ? That doesn’t even sound like a position. Makes me out to be a sodding, bloody wizard – the ‘Shadow Arts’.

  Atkins Come on, Norman, you know how it works; they’re like snakes and ladders, reshuffles. Like a box step; you know what a box step is, don’t – well, ha, you will soon. If one first takes a step forward, cha-cha-cha, one then has to take a step to the back, cha-cha-cha. Now be a good chap, look surprised when you get the call.

  Chelmsford sighs, and exits.

  Atkins The rest of us, remember. Aggression, and determination.

  Tea Room.

  Taylor with Coventry South West. A spectacled Geordie lady. Outwardly meek.

  Coventry South West Isn’t it funny how the Prime Minister of a country can just change like that, without an election.

  Strange if you ask me. Shame we didn’t get the one we wanted. (At her cup.) Gosh, look at these. Not from a bring and buy, are they, wonder who’s paid for them.

  Taylor So this is just a little feedback, just some observations and thoughts from your performances in the House.

  Coventry South West Feedback? Who from?

  Taylor Well, us, the Whips.

  Coventry South West Why? Sorry, I’m not being rude dear, I just don’t understand.

  Taylor Just on behalf of the Party, some support.

  Coventry South West The Party? Oh, well, you know. I just say what I think, that’s all.

  Taylor We certainly admire your ability to speak your mind. Specially in a boys’ club like this.

  Coventry South West Doesn’t bother me, dear, got two of ’em at home.

  Taylor Obviously we’ve noticed some of your abstentions on key votes. And then . . . well, then some votes against us, which is difficult, being in a minority anyway.

  Coventry South West Yes, sorry about that, they just weren’t quite up my street.

  Taylor Well. We all have to compromise occasionally, for the Party, and the greater good.

  Coventry South West Oh. Do we? I just vote the way I think best.

  Taylor Yes, and you seem to be able to take others with you, some of the younger, newer members. I have to say, your manner of speech-making is very, erm, very ‘persuasive’.

  Coventry South West Oh, ta very much. Yes, I developed this little thing on the picket lines, you know, going up at the end of my sentences. Seems to go down well, gets people going.

  ‘We must fight to beat those who tread on the working PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY, DENYING THEM THE RIGHT TO A DECENT . . .

  (Breaking off.) You know, that sort of thing. (Sips her tea.)

  Taylor Yes, well I don’t mean to lay down the law. But we must be on the lookout for rebels.

  Coventry South West Oh yes, of course you must, pet. I know all about rebels. I’m not long back from Portugal, you know, over the summer. We managed to bring down the junta.

  Taylor ‘Managed . . . ’? Come off it, the revolution?

  Coventry South West Well it was either that or the Lakes, dear. (Lifts her tea, smiling.)

  Committee Room. Hubbub – Harrison and Cocks, Atkins and Weatherill and the Serjeant at Arms in heated debate as the Speaker arrives.

  Speaker Alright, gentlemen please! What’s the matter?

  Atkins They’re at it again, Mr Speaker, ‘bending the rules’ to say the bloody least –

  Harrison Bending . . . ? The only thing bent is my leg, after your / man closed the bloody . . .

  Serjeant Please. Mr Speaker, there’s been a difference of opinion regarding the votes on two bills at committee stage. Amendments to the Education Bill were being voted on in Committee Room 10, while amendments to the Finance Bill were being voted on in Committee Room 14. Mr Harrison here had been the pre-selected Whip present at both committees –

  Harrison Yes, right, I voted in 14 and then I ran down the corridor to 10 to vote there and –

  Serjeant Just as / I was closing the door.

  Atkins Just as the doors were being closed, and locked, as is the custom –

  Weatherill As is the law. Committee room doors must be closed and locked during a vote and –

  Atkins And he didn’t make it –

  Harrison And I did bloody make it!

  Serjeant A sizeable chunk of Mr Harrison did make it, Mr Speaker.

  Cocks / Harrison See.

  Speaker Si – a ‘sizeable’ chunk, you say? Which chunk?

  Harrison My whole body, both arms, and my left leg, but my right leg got caught in the door as he was closing it. / Look, I’ve got a bruise and everything –

  Atkins And then he wouldn’t leave so that the doors could be closed –

  Harrison Because I’d made it into the room. Look at that, see, purple, like a peach. Ouch.

  Speaker What was the vote without Mr Harrison?

  Cocks / Serjeant 22 to 22.

  Speaker Serjeant, would you say that the overwhelming majority of Mr Harrison was inside the committee room?

  Serjeant Well. Uh, yes, I suppose I would, Mr Speaker.

  Speaker Very well, I declare the vote for the government, 22 to 22 and three quarters.

  Cocks / Harrison Haha!

  Atkins / Weatherill 22 and three quarters?!

  Speaker I have spoken, chalk it up. (Sighs.) I look forward to see
ing that one in the history books. (Exits.)

  Atkins Oh really, you two, passing legislation by three quarters of a person now, that really is the living end.

  Cocks Oh bugger off, Humphrey, you deliberately timed the votes for Walter to miss one. We beat you, that’s the end of it, so sucks boo to you. (Blows a raspberry, exiting.)

  Atkins Oh, and a raspberry as well – we really are in the playground, aren’t we? (Exiting.)

  Harrison (to Weatherill) Well. That’s another first, any road.

  Weatherill (beat; smiles as he turns to leave) Well done, Walter. Nicely played.

  Opposition Whips’ Office. Atkins, Weatherill, Silvester and Esher sitting in a circle.

  Atkins Alright. New tactic. This has become a war of attrition; both sides dug into their trenches, neither making headway. To our credit, they’re exhausted. After late-night debates we have no appointments until business begins at 2.30 p.m. the next day, but Government ministers have to be in their departments first thing, so, it’s time to employ the age-old tactic of, quite simply, Wearing Them Out.

  Weatherill We’ve crafted a rota of our chaps who will come in for what is essentially ‘nightshift work’, making long speeches, asking an interminable amount of questions. They’ll have to hold their members back in case we call a vote, which we’ll never do, thus getting their members furious at their own Whips for the incorrigible hours.

  Silvester So it’s basic Somme tactics then, yes? We keep them on their toes for a charge that never comes, until they’re completely caught off guard when the big push does happen.

  Esher It’s stamina, what? Everything is won on stamina, who can last the longest before raising the flag. Saw it in the eyes of the chaps I fought with in the war. Prisoners of war. Everything in their mind, body, focused on getting through each day at a time.

  Silvester Really? God, I had no idea. Prisoner of . . . of which war?

  Esher Which war, what do you mean which war? The war.

  Silvester Yes, I know, sorry, I just, I wondered, you know . . . First, Second, Korean, Suez –

  Esher Please do not list them as though they were flavours of ice cream. (Pause.) Which war, it was the war, where every sunrise was assumed to be one’s last, where there were moments I believed I would not live and where there were moments, I believe, I did not want to. You ask me which war, sir, it was the war. Sir.

  And don’t slouch. Right, brandy, I think, before the bugle sounds. (Exits.)

  Silvester Why on earth did I say ‘which war’? Father died in the bloody . . . (Sighs.) I can’t believe I still haven’t got the, the hang, of getting on side with men from . . . like that, from –

  Weatherill You will.

  Silvester It’s not my fault that I’m young. I can’t help it that I currently find myself being young.

  Weatherill No, it isn’t. (Holding him a file.) But what a lovely problem to have.

  The Commons Chamber.

  The Members sing a choral version of ‘Five Years’ by David Bowie. As they’re announced, those named stand . . . and die.

  Speaker The Member for Thurrock! . . . The Member for Ilford North!

  Thurrock trips and tumbles through the air; Ilford North struggles to take in air through a mask (other members help in creating these effects).

  Parliamentary Archive. Victoria Tower.

  Harrison shows Weatherill in.

  Weatherill The Archives? Hell’s teeth, Walter, I’ve got to be down in the Chamber in –

  Harrison Look, just wanted somewhere private, right, beyond prying eyes. And . . . well, this is where I come, sometimes. Get away, bit of space. Quiet.

  Weatherill Really. (Looking around.) I never really liked it in here.

  Harrison Over a million Parliamentary bills. Every single law of the land that was ever passed, signed by the Queen. Rolled up and stuffed in ’ere.

  Weatherill Well, not been many of those recently.

  Harrison And whose fault is that? Look, your own bloody enquiry cleared us, right? The Lady admitted it in the House. I didn’t cheat, Pendry didn’t, no one did. Done. Come on, Jack, it’s bad enough you’re keeping everyone up all hours of the night now. Open up the usual channels again, bring pairing back. These are old men. And not like your lot, men who’ve worked, who’ve been down pits, who’ve –

  Weatherill Oh, please, and it’s got nothing to do with the amount of ale sunk in the Strangers’ every night, has it? And don’t think we don’t see the way the crows fly. Working class? What about Southampton Test – an Oxford law don. Lichfield and Tamworth, lecturer; Lancaster North, barrister. Must be getting you worried, I’ll bet? With your ‘ee by gum’, northern brute shtick. All this ‘middle classing’, you’d better learn to genteel yourself up a bit. Classical music and fine wine. Don’t want to be growing out of touch.

  Harrison Out of touch, me?! Oh yeah, ’cause it’s pure accident how I hold this fragile ragbag collection together, in’t it? Nothing to do with being able to connect on all levels with –

  Weatheril Oh gosh, yes, I know that, ‘the best Deputy the House has ever seen’, with all members, from all walks of life, yes, Walter, I know that.

  A beat – he hadn’t meant that to come out so bitterly . . .

  Harrison . . . Well, ay up, if it’s true for me, you’re going the other way. Chingford for a start, he’s an egg-and-chips man. And shopkeepers’ daughters, builders, blimey. Are you ready?

  Weatherill . . . Yes. Well.

  Harrison Jack. Look, I . . . we get on, don’t we? Don’t we? Please. Open up the channels. Let’s get this place moving, working again. Eh, I’ll up the bet. (Offers his hand.) Come on.

  Weatherill You don’t get it, do you? We’re not playing any more.

  Government Whips’ Office. Early hours of the morning.

  Cocks Joe, look alive.

  Harper Owt happening in the chamber?

  Cocks Abingdon is quizzing agriculture, difference between North Sea and Mediterranean tuna.

  Harper North Sea . . . ? There isn’t any tuna in the North Sea.

  Cocks There . . . ? You joking? Oh for . . . (Begins scribbling on notepaper.)

  Harper (stretching) This can’t go on, Michael. We know what they’re doing –

  Cocks Of course we know, it’s what we’d be doing if we were them. (Handing the paper to him.) Here, get whoever’s on bench duty to slip this to the minister, think it’s Joe Ashton.

  Harrison (enters) Brace yourself, Chief, the Scots are on the march, it’s liek Glencoe out there.

  Speaker The Member for West Lothian!

  West Lothian (bursts in) Michael, is it true? Devolution is going on the books?

  Cocks . . . Ay, it’s true.

  West Lothian Oh, Christ’s sake.

  Cocks Tam, we know, alright, but –

  Speaker The Member for Western Isles!

  Western Isles (enters) Michael!

  Cocks Don, this is the Labour Whips’ office, if you want a / meeting then –

  Western Isles We want some guarantees you’ll get this bill through the house.

  West Lothian Not if I can help it. You’ll fall if you propose this.

  Western Isles And you fall if you don’t. We Scottish Nationalists won’t prop you lot up for ever. And the way the Tories are at the moment, they’ll talk any bill out of time.

  West Lothian Good!

  Harrison No, they won’t. We’re proposing a Timetable Motion. Maximum of twenty days debate.

  West Lothian Twent- . . . hah! Twenty days?! For matters which haven’t been discussed let alone attempted in the living memory of this Parliament, built to serve the whole United Kingdom. A Kingdom that is United.

  Western Isles And how about a Kingdom that is fair, Tam? With an equal say / for every –

  Cocks You’re really telling me you’d go against your own party Whip, Tam? Doesn’t bode well for your future
prospects, does it?

  West Lothian What future prospects?! If you devolve powers to Scotland and Wales then we Scot and Welsh MPs in Westminster will be as useful as a chocolate teapot, won’t we? I thought handing power to Brussels was bad enough! This post-colonial fixation of just giving ourselves away! This Parliament was once the seat of the democratic world, now it’s the planet’s biggest jumble sale, with you tossing Scotland, Ireland and Wales overboard now too, shed some weight. It’s so bloody typical, this self-destructive, bloody country.

  Western Isles Well. I’ll be voting with you, Michael. And good luck to you. (Exits.)

  Harper I warned. I did say. Asking for trouble.

  Cocks Well, we’re asking for trouble if we don’t, aren’t we?! (Exiting.) Is there any news on them fixing that sodding clock yet?!

  Opposition Whips’ Office. Night.

  Weatherill reclines in his chair, watching Coronation Street on the little TV. Atkins enters.

  Atkins What on earth is this?

  Weatherill From what I can gather, Hilda and Stan are off to a posh hotel for their second honeymoon. And this Ray chap is taking Deirdre to the Dog and Gun ‘down Eccles way’.

  Atkins God, do people actually watch this stuff?

  Weatherill Apparently. (Chuckles at something on screen, despite himself.) Listen Chief, you don’t think we’re taking this a bit too far, do you? Somme tactics?

  Atkins Absolutely not. Well perhaps. But I thought we were trying to beat them at their own game, Jack. And what happened to our tug-of-war, remember? Bringing some strays over to our side? –

  Weatherill Yes, well, it’s not as simple as all that, Chief.

  Silvester (running in, panicked) Jack! Chief! Something’s happened in the chamber.

  In the Chamber. Rotherham stands, pulling at his collar before falling back into the arms of other Members who carry him out, into: Government Whips’ Office. The Whips carry Rotherham in.

  Taylor performs CPR.

  Harrison Clear out! Give him some room!

  Cocks Brian? Brian, mate, the ambulance on its way, alright?

  Harrison Joe, go outside and meet them, quick as you can.

  Taylor He’s not . . . Michael, he doesn’t seem to be –

  Cocks takes over CPR as Silvester and Weatherill charge in.