by Jessica Leed
‘Someone’s popular today.’ She couldn’t help herself.
His face tightened, but only for a moment. ‘Yeah, I’m part of a group message with the boys. Can’t keep up.’
She nodded, studying his reaction as he quickly exited the message and placed his phone on the desk, face down this time on the opposite side of him.
Furthest from her.
‘How was your day?’ She couldn’t remember the last time he had asked her such thing. She wished it was genuine, wished he actually cared, but his question held neither of the above. It was a distraction, a tactic for the subject to change.
And she would go along with it.
‘I had a nice day. We did lunch, I bought a dress.’
‘That’s nice.’
That’s nice?
He was maneuvering his cursor over the animated figures that were flying over pixelated objects.
‘Do you want to see it?’
‘See what?’ He didn’t look at her.
‘My dress.’
‘Oh.’
He continued to click away. At the same time his phone went off again. This woman was bloody persistent. She had to give her that. Gritting her teeth, she disappeared into the bedroom, took the hanger from the cupboard and waltzed back into the study. She held it up for him. Eventually he hit pause on the game, removed his headphones and swiveled his chair around to take a look.
‘It looks like a wedding dress.’
‘No, it doesn’t, it’s pink.’
‘If you say so,’
‘I do,’ she agreed. ‘But it is for a wedding. Mia’s asked me to take Lance’s place for a wedding in Aringdale, weekend after next. He’s away for work, so I said yes.’
‘Did you now?’
‘I did,’ she said evenly.
‘Cool.’
‘Do you like it?’
He shrugged. ‘Depends on how much you spent on it. But I don’t know how I feel about you spending money without consoling with me first.’
She bit down hard on her tongue.
I’m not happy the way you failed to consider the consequences of your affair.
She didn’t say it, of course.
‘I didn’t think to console with you because it was a gift. Jacqui bought it for me.’
‘And why would she do that?’
‘I don’t know, she wanted to treat me.’
He snorted. ‘Yeah, ok.’
If she bit down any harder her tongue would split into two. He spun back to face his screen and was already back into his stupid game, his headphones securely in place.
She returned to the room and hung the dress back up, visualising what it would be like seeing Ethan again in two weeks’ time.
The thought alone gave her butterflies.
Would they be seated on the same table? Would their connection be palpable to everyone around them? Would Mia be able to detect from the outside all that she was feeling on the inside?
She located her laptop from under the bed, took it out and took it with her to the lounge room. The room furthest from Patrick’s demanding phone.
Dinner could wait.
She stuck her earphones in, allowing the soothing sound of Ed Sheeran’s voice to still her mind. She closed her eyes as she waited for her laptop to start up. She then spent the next forty-five minutes watching an old episode of Gilmore Girls. It was the final episode of the season where Luke organised a surprise going away party for Lorelai’s daughter, Rory, before she leaves Stars Hallow to become a journalist. In the show, Lorelai and Luke had been friends for years, secretly liking each other but never having the courage or perhaps the realisation, to voice it. Their relationship trialed and tested over the course of many years, with even a broken engagement. But in the final episode Lorelai takes a moment to step away from the party and pours her heart out to Luke, declaring he was the one, that he had always be the one.
The entire time she watched the series conclude, all she could think about was how she was Lorelai, and Ethan was Luke. Ok, so their story was a little different. There had been nine years separating them, after all. But like the show, there had been a small town that connected them, a friendship that encouraged them and a history that shaped them.
Patrick didn’t leave the study once. And she was grateful for it. She was even more grateful that her earphones cancelled out the buzz of any incoming messages coming from her. She clenched her face, waiting for the current of pain to pass.
It didn’t. Instead, it surfaced there.
A man who would without fail, be by my side through all seasons of life.
She had never shared her list with Patrick. They had never created a mission statement or vow for their relationship. They had never taken the time to sit down together and with the end in mind, built the fundamentals to equip them for the journey ahead. Without that shared vision, of course they were setting themselves up to fail. Because as soon as they found themselves in a difficult season there would be no foundation to keep them standing. It all seemed common sense really. Yet, they had somehow overlooked the backbone of it.
What were they doing getting married when if she really thought about it, they had never shared a single, meaningful conversation? What was their three-year plan, five-year plan? What sort of life did they want to create? Did he even want to create life? She still had no idea if he wanted children or not. Would it be something she would be willing to compromise if he didn’t? Or would they be able to somehow synergize?
Questions they should have worked through years ago. And now, it was too late. His actions made it clear that he was not motivated to work on things. Instead, all of his energy was being invested into this woman.
Louisa.
She never hated a name so much.
It was crazy to think that she had once shared her mission statement, her vow for her future husband, with Ethan. It was as though she had more wisdom as a teenager than she did now. Or maybe she had just been conditioned in a way that had protected her from a world of deception. She missed seeing a blank canvas through innocent eyes. Uncontaminated by years of choices, disappointments, setbacks and regret. The years unfold, a new colour painted with every season. But instead of these colours holding their shape, they begin to bleed, running into each other, forming a lone puddle at the base of the easel.
She took out a spiral bound notebook from the bottom draw of the coffee table. She missed the freedom of writing. It was one of the few things that made her soul feel alive, made her feel as though a canvas decorated with a rainbow of colours was possible, for her.
She took out a pen, and just like an artist, allowed her hand to colour with a freedom as her words spilt onto the page, creating an unexpected piece of art.
5th August 2019
Writing you letters used to be, to me, as natural as inhaling oxygen. Receiving letters from you was a time in my life I miss the most. It’s been years since I wrote to you last, so I thought I’d send you one more.
I know over the years we have had a lot of miscommunication, a lot of missed opportunities as timing was never on our side. But one thing it didn’t take from us is the rare friendship I know we will always have.
If timing has given us anything it would be the beauty of the seamless connection whenever we come together, closing the gap of every year that divided us.
If I’m honest with myself, I did take you for granted. I took us for granted and the depth of all that we shared. I hate myself for allowing those 9 years without you, to simply pass. I can’t help but wonder what life would be like if I hadn’t.
I can almost hear you assuring me that this wasn’t all my fault, just like I can hear your voice every time my heart is stirred with a memory of us. No one has ever made me laugh as hard and as well, as you have. You made me feel as though anything was possible, Ethan. You made m
e believe that the sky was my limit and the space between was within my reach.
I have always loved you.
I loved you when I got you and Sadie together. I loved you when I was dating Brody. And I love you now.
I don’t know what’s going to happen, what the future holds. Life is uncertain like that. But I do know that I’ll always love you.
That is one thing I am certain about.
Yours always,
Sienna
Twenty
‘Okay, I’m ready whenever you are.’
Mia stepped into the kitchen all dolled up. The sight of her sister was enough to make Sienna gasp.
‘Oh my god, you couldn’t look more beautiful!’
It was true, she looked like Audrey Hepburn the way her long dark hair swept into an elegant bun at the top of her head, her soft features giving off an uncanny likeness. She was dressed in a tiffany blue, A-line dress with complementing pearl coloured heels.
Mia’s brown eyes glisten at the compliment, her lips curling to show off her perfect set of teeth. ‘And you’re a vision sis. That dress!’ She gave her the once over and nodded slowly in approval. ‘Who are you trying to impress?’
Sienna let out a nervous laugh and took her clutch from the counter. Inside, was the letter had she wrestled with the decision of taking with her. After turning it over in her hands more than a hundred times she decided it would see the light of day. With wrinkled edges from all the handling, she had shoved it inside the envelope and hadn’t looked back. She still had no idea when she would give it to him, not knowing if they would have a moment alone. But as much as the idea made her stomach churn, it was something she needed to do. Something she felt she had to do in order to filter him from her heart.
Once and for all.
Her sister let the question slide, completely unaware of how close she was to hitting the nail on the head and gathered her things ready to leave.
Their morning together had been exactly what Sienna needed. Their father had cooked up a breakfast of sausage, eggs, French toast, tomato and avocado while their mum set up a little ‘do it yourself’ juice bar with an array of fruit and vegetables—fresh from the veggie garden. The single meal was enough to have fed her for a week. The quantity of food in one sitting was overwhelming, yet she was able to eat all of it guilt free. That in itself was freeing. She was able to laugh, joke and be herself without the fear of being condemned. Instead of being ignored or condemned for everything she said, her family embraced her, and loved her. They had been attentive to her every word.
She could have spent hours running around the house with little Bailey playing hide and seek and dancing like an idiot as the TV broke into songs from the Wiggles. Bailey would just stare at her with her little brown eyes, before jumping up and down in fits of giggles as her aunty amplified their every move. It was one of those moments where time really did stand still.
Maybe it was possible, after all.
No one asked about Patrick. No questions about wedding plans were mentioned when it would have been fitting, of all days, to bring it up seeing as they were going to one. Maybe after all these years they had finally drawn a conclusion, or maybe they thought she had. Either way, it was all a bit sad. But her heart that morning had been filled with far too much joy, allowing no room for such wasted emotion.
Sienna drove them to the church. Being a small town, nothing was more than a fifteen-minute drive away. Being a city girl, she underestimated this and pulled up a good twenty minutes early. The choice of venue was beautiful. It was an old Catholic church octagonal in shape, with an arched wooden doorway and high-rise, stained-glass windows. Even though they were one of the few cars in the carpark, her eyes naturally scanned the premise for his. But thankfully for her own sanity, he hadn’t arrived yet.
Her thumping heart could take a rest.
They got out of the car and miraculously, made their way over the giant cobblestones in their heels without twisting any ankles. They took the seven steps to the entrance and took a program before taking a seat somewhere in the middle rows of the wooden pews. Crossing a leg over the other and with her hands in her lap, she took in the splendor of the setup. There were white and pink peonies tied to the end of each pew with silver satin ribbon weaving each bouquet together. Running down the centre was a white carpet with an array of pink flower petals scattered all the way up to the platform. Vases bursting with peonies stood a metre high on either side, highlighted by fairy lights that dangled from the ceiling.
It truly was a magical sight.
As the church slowly filled Sienna found herself becoming more fidgety by the second. The number of times she turned her head back to see if he had arrived should have been more than enough for her sister to have questioned her. But Mia, being the extrovert that she was, had her back constantly turned chatting to every face that walked by, oblivious to it all.
Sienna swept her long golden curls over her shoulder and reached for her clutch. It was another one of those days she hadn’t checked her phone. This time not because she didn’t want to, but because it hadn’t even crossed her mind. Even now it was a last resort, something to keep her mind off the man who would at any moment, enter through those wooden doors. The man, whether she admitted to or not, held her heart in a way no one else had.
No messages from Patrick. She wasn’t surprised. If anything, she was surprised she felt ok. Surprised she wasn’t filled with a shot of anxiety or that horrible ache. Instead she felt, nothing.
It was then she heard Mia call his name. Even with her back turned she could feel her sisters weight shift as she leaned over the back of the pew and reached out her arms to hug him. Her heart leapt into her mouth at the acknowledgement of his presence his cologne instantly gave away. With a smile resonating every fiber of energy inside of her, she turned. It was within these seconds of coming face to face with him, where every high came to a crashing low.
‘Sienna.’
She knew him well enough to know that the smile he was flashing was underlined with shock. Panic even. The pain inside her spread like wild fire.
‘Hi Ethan. It’s good to see you.’ Being as good at hiding her emotions as she was, she was able to offer him a convincing smile. Her eyes quickly took in the gorgeous woman by his side. She extended her hand and widened her smile. ‘Hi, I’m Sienna.’
The woman had the most beautiful green eyes she had ever seen. Her dark hair fell flawlessly in soft waves over her toned, brown shoulders—so toned, it made her insides pang with envy. She had never looked that good, not even in her ballet days. This girl was basically a super model.
‘Amber. It’s nice to meet you.’ The woman’s smile wasn’t as full. In fact, her expression was quite stricken. Was there a chance Ethan had mentioned to her who Sienna was? Or was the woman intuitive enough to detect some sort of history between them?
‘Nice to meet you too,’ Sienna said politely, unable to meet Ethan’s eyes.
A few more words were spoken before Mia jumped into a conversation with another couple who had just arrived, leaving Sienna alone with them. There was a brief silence.
‘I didn’t know you’d be here.’ Ethan laughed a little too casually. Amber inched closer to his side and reached for his hand. He took it.
She felt as though she had been shot. She flickered her eyes back up, connecting with his. She could almost literally feel the effects of the wound shot, spread wide across her chest.
‘Neither did I! I’m taking Lance’s place today. He’s interstate for work. Tim was happy for me to be Mia’s plus one,’ she responded way too enthusiastically, like an animated character from a Disney film. Ethan must have thought so too the way his lips pursed together in a knowing smile.
There was another silence. Longer this time.
‘I’m terrible. Sorry, I haven’t introduced you two. Sienna this is Amber. Amber, Sienn
a.’
She could see that he was uncomfortable. She knew this the way he was flicking his nails together with his free hand. His body language stiff, visibly tense beside the pretty brunette who was practically cemented to his side.
‘Yes…’ Sienna smiled. ‘We have done the introductions already.’
The woman looked up at him and squeezed his arm. ‘Aringdale is very cute. It’s been so special to see where Ethan grew up. Are you from here too?’ She turned her eyes back at Sienna and smiled in a way that lit her entire face.
That stunning face that sat above those bloody toned shoulders.
‘It is a cute little town’, Sienna responded. ‘I hope Ethan has been a good tour guide.’ She refused to look at him, she simply couldn’t.
She wouldn’t take a second bullet.
She could feel him staring at her, but she couldn’t meet his eyes. It would kill her. ‘Yeah, I grew up here, but Melbourne is home,’ she finally answered.
‘Oh, so you’re a city girl? Me too.’
She looked at Ethan again with adoring eyes and nuzzled into his arm. She was too short to get anywhere near his shoulder.
‘Where in Melbourne are you from?’ Sienna asked.
‘Lilydale.’
That was when the bullet penetrated deeper.
Lilydale. It all made sense now.
‘And you?’
‘Kensington.’
‘Beautiful suburb.’
‘It is.’
She finally found the courage to look up, unable to read him as he stood immobile, like a stuffed mullet.
‘That’s where we met.’ Amber wrapped her arm around him all possessive like. ‘In Lilydale.’
Sienna swallowed hard. ‘That’s lovely.’
Silence again.
‘Yeah, it all happened very quickly,’ he finally jumped in, sounding defensive as though he owed her an explanation.
‘Ohhhh, tell me more, let’s hear the story,’ she said, dying a little bit more inside.
