by Taylor Dean
That’s why his actions shocked me to the core. Of course, I’ve heard the alcoholism gene runs in families. Maybe he tried it once and from then on couldn’t resist. Addiction is a tough battle.
I think back to that surprise visit I made to see him on his birthday weekend. Unfortunately, I was the only one who received the surprise. I had just finished a year of college in Sweetwater and Jace was just about to graduate from NYU. He was starting law school in the fall and I was finally about to join him. We were talking about wedding plans and where we would go on our honeymoon. He’d just secured a paid internship and was staying in New York for the summer instead of going home to Sweetwater. Since I was getting ready to join him, the summer was no longer our only time together. He’d rented himself the tiniest shoebox apartment known to mankind, but he was ridiculously excited to have his own place and not have to put up with roommates anymore. Life couldn’t have been more perfect.
Or so I thought. That fateful night that I decided to grant him a surprise visit at his tiny apartment in New York took a nasty turn. I found him drunk and passed out cold on his bed.
Someone could have knocked me over with the proverbial feather. Stunned doesn’t even describe how I felt in that moment.
It wasn’t just unlike him to drink, it went against everything he believed in. Of course, I thought being faithful was something he believed in as well. He proved me wrong on that front that night too. My heart broke into two pieces, never to be whole again.
Even though we’d been separated from each other for several years, only seeing each other over the summers, we spoke on the phone every day and I still felt close to him. I had no clue that living in a fast-paced city had made him succumb to a different lifestyle. He kept that from me. Long distance relationships rarely survive and we turned into nothing but a statistic.
I shake my head. It’s not a memory I like to dwell on. I sigh, open my laptop, and Google, “Consequences of getting drunk.” I find several answers that make me wonder why anyone ever drinks. Dizziness, stomach pains, vomiting, severe headache. Not fun. Loud or raucous laughter, disorderly conduct and boisterous speech. Those seem like the usual answers and don’t tell me what I want to know. I read on and find more answers that seem blatantly obvious. Lack of coordination and movement resulting in injury to yourself or others.
Okay, that pretty much describes every drunk person portrayed on TV or in a movie. It sounds like the stereotypical drunk—the person out for a good time.
I witnessed something very different that night with Jace. It wasn’t funny or silly or amusing or in the least bit attractive. As a matter of fact, it was terrifying.
Next I read about alcohol causing organ damage, including but not limited to the liver. It can also cause chronic fatigue and insomnia, violent or aggressive behavior. If consumed in excess it causes people to pass out.
Now we’re getting somewhere. I remember staring at the empty bottle of wine and the wine glasses on Jace’s dresser. If I hadn’t seen them with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it. Not in a million years. But the evidence was right in front of my eyes. I saw it. I assumed nothing and there was no miscommunication going on. The cold hard truth was being shoved in my face whether I wanted to accept it or not.
Still, the most shocking thing of all was the fact that he wasn’t alone. I remember feeling so stunned, I could hardly process what I was witnessing.
Was it a one off? Did I show up on his doorstep on the one and only night he totally messed up? Is fate that cruel? The thought has crossed my mind several times. In the end, I have no idea and it doesn’t really matter.
Frankly, once is enough.
One of the most unpleasant things I’ve ever seen is Jace passed out on his bed, pale and lifeless. He looked awful. There was no joy there, just the ugly truth. The glamorous after effects of a night on the town were not all they were cracked up to be. He was a cold lump of handsome human flesh next to his own vomit. The sight was a hard pill to swallow. I knew he’d chosen a different path in life. I felt so naïve, like a country bumpkin visiting her big city boyfriend.
Surprise.
He came to twice while I was there. He looked right at me and said my name. “Shay?”
He saw me. He said my name. He was clearly drunk, but he seemed lucid enough in those moments, as if he was properly mortified by my presence. As he should have been.
But does he remember it? I swallow and get right to the point. I Google, “When you are drunk, do you experience lasting memory loss?”
I find my answer easily. “Blackouts occur when large amounts of alcohol are consumed quickly. It can be physiologically impossible to remember what happened the next day. Fragmented blackouts are more common and may allow for some amount of memories to return.”
Huh. There was only one bottle of wine on his dresser. Evidently he and his lady friend had consumed a lot more alcohol before going back to his apartment. Otherwise he wouldn’t have been in such a state. Right? I have no idea how much liquor it takes to get plastered. I’m sure it’s different for every person, but there must be some type of general quota that ensures you will fall into a mindless state of escapism.
The article goes on to say that blackouts are different from passing out. Passing out means the person is rendered unconscious. Blackouts mean the person is indeed drunk, but they might be walking, talking, and socializing as if they’re fine, but they won’t remember what they did or said the next day.
Jace was passed out and unconscious. But the blackout-drunk scenario explains those few moments when he regained consciousness. It explains why he doesn’t remember that I was there, that I saw him, and that he said my name. All this time, I’ve always assumed he never contacted me because he was embarrassed to face me. I thought he felt humiliated that I had caught him in the act.
Now I realize he doesn’t even know I was there, which begs another question: why didn’t he try to contact me? Why didn’t he come after me when I made it clear we were over? I never gave him a reason, I thought he knew the reason. Nothing more needed to be said.
Clearly, I was wrong. We have a lot to say to one another. And I can’t imagine it being a pleasant conversation.
Mom walks by and pauses when she sees that I’m awake.
“Hi, sweetheart.”
“Hey, Mom.”
“Can’t sleep?”
“Not really.”
Mom enters the room and sits at my bedside. “Are you worrying about Jace?”
“Yeah. He makes me crazy. I’m afraid I wasn’t very nice to him today.”
“I doubt he expected you to be thrilled to see him.”
My brows furrow. “I feel like I should be over it by now. Instead it still hurts.”
“I think you two have unfinished business. It’s time for you to move on and I don’t think you’ll be able to until you make peace with him.”
I don’t know if that’s possible. Mom has a forgiving heart. I’m afraid I didn’t inherit her magnanimous soul.
I mull over her words. Okay, so she definitely wasn’t matchmaking. That’s a relief. She knows the situation with Jace is still hanging over my head and she wants me to resolve it.
I know she’s right.
“Sweetie, are you still in love with him?” Mom asks bluntly.
I pull my blankets up to my chin. It takes some of my stern stuff to admit how I feel. “I’ve never stopped loving him. And I’m mad at myself for it. I mean, he betrayed me in the worst possible way.”
Mom takes a deep breath. “He killed your trust, but that’s the only thing that died. Your love for him is still very much alive. I suspected as much. Listen, Shay, I won’t tell you to forgive him. That’s up to you. It’s a hard thing when someone breaks your trust and I understand why that’s almost impossible to forgive. I have resentment toward him built up inside of me as well. He hurt my daughter and it makes me want to lash out at him. It was respect for Irene and what she’s going through that helped me hold
my tongue today. Their household doesn’t need any more drama.”
I feel horrible for not thinking of that. I know this isn’t an easy time for Jace. But I love that Mom had the desire to defend me. She’s the best. I hate to let her know that her feelings were actually pasted on her face, no matter how kind her words were.
Mom goes on. “Listen, I feel protective of you and I’d rather you didn’t get involved with him again. But when I saw the two of you together this evening, I knew it was inevitable. So, let me just give you some food for thought. It’s been six years. He’s changed and so have you. Maybe what he did was a huge mistake, one that he regrets. Or maybe he’s exactly the same and he can’t be trusted. I don’t know. The point is . . . maybe you should find out before anything else happens between you.
“When you started dating in high school, I noticed right away that the two of you had something very unique. I knew he wasn’t just the usual childhood crush. Could something be salvaged between you again? I don’t know and that’s for you to decide. I admit, I have my reservations. But I also know this has been weighing on you and I’d like to see you come to terms with it. Maybe it’s worth exploring just so you’ll know. At the very least, you’ll have your answer and stop wondering about what ifs—and that’s what I think you need. Clarity. I will say this though, please tread carefully. I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.” I do need to find out if there is still even the tiniest chance for us. I owe it to myself. He said he’s still in love with me and I can’t even begin to explain how that makes me feel. But I’m so scared of finding out he’s a player who will say anything to get a girl. If that’s the case, he’s toast. I believe I will be able to see through him if he’s lying. I’d like to think so anyway.
Mom pats my hand. “Keep in mind, forgiving someone doesn’t mean they have gotten away with doing whatever hateful thing they’ve done. It doesn’t mean you are saying what he did was okay. It wasn’t and it never will be. What it does mean is that you have let it go and no longer harbor that awful bitterness in your heart. It’s for you, not for him. Forgiveness gives the forgiver peace. Giving him a second chance, however, is another matter entirely and one that you should not take lightly.”
“You’re right. I’m harboring too much anger in my heart. It’s killing me. I can’t see clearly while it’s there.”
Mom hugs me tightly. “Love you, Shay. Try to get some sleep.”
“Love you too, Mom.” I’m twenty-six years old and I still need my Mom. I don’t think that will ever change nor do I want it to.
Jace was young when he cheated on me. If he knows it was the wrong thing to do and he’s sorry, maybe I can find it in my heart to let it go. Maybe. I’ve hardened myself against him for so long and it will take some serious sucking up on his part. I need him to admit to his mistakes and apologize. I need to know he’s a changed man. But even if he admits everything he’s done, I’m just not sure I can do it. The night I saw him with another woman is burned into my memory. Frankly, the visual haunts me.
I don’t want our next meeting to turn into a tongue lashing. I’m not a young girl with stars in her eyes anymore. Jace hurt me more than anyone ever has, but Mom is right. I need closure with Jace. I can’t continue to carry around this lesion on my heart. It’s time to let it mend. It’s time to forgive so that I can let go of the bitterness in my heart.
But it doesn’t mean what he did was okay.
No, it will never be okay. And therein lies my dilemma.
CHAPTER
Four
MY CELL RINGS and I peel off my food service gloves quickly. It’s Mom.
“Hello.”
“Shay, sweetheart, I just had a call from Stony. Grayson and Mia have invited everyone to their home this evening for a barbeque. He said they have some news they’d like to share with everyone.”
Everyone. That means Jace will be there. Of course, he’s Mia’s brother. Since Mia married Grayson, who happens to be Spencer’s brother, we are now connected to the Faraday’s through marriage. It makes us family by default.
Don’t get me wrong, I love having this connection with them. I really enjoyed having Grayson live with us for a time. He always makes me laugh, he’s great with Brit, and he felt like a big brother from the first day I met him. I had the pleasure of watching Grayson and Mia fall in love too. I’m invested in their relationship. Plus Mia and I have always behaved more like sisters than anything else.
That being said, now that Jace is home, it really complicates matters for me. I don’t know how to act with him there. I mean, I can’t pretend there’s nothing between us.
At my silence, Mom adds, “Even Irene is going to go for a bit. There will be lots of people there. I don’t think you need to worry about Jace. I doubt you’ll have a moment alone.”
I can’t spend my life avoiding Jace. He’s home to stay. I might as well face it. I call for my stern stuff and it appears when I need it. “Okay,” I say. “I’ll go with you.”
I dread it. Although if I expect awkward moments, they won’t be a surprise. And I’m definitely expecting them.
WHEN WE ARRIVE at Grayson and Mia’s home—which I haven’t seen until now—I’m suitably impressed by the grandeur. Stony once told me there’s a saying that floats around the Army. It went something like this: The richest man in the Army is the single major with no family responsibilities. That describes Grayson at about the time he met Mia. He must’ve made wise financial decisions as well.
Their home even has a name. Amherst. We have to announce our presence at the gate intercom and after we do so, the large wrought iron gates open up for us, inviting us in. Well, la-di-da. It’s much fancier than I had envisioned.
Grayson answers the door. He greets both me and Mom with bear hugs. “Great to see you. Thanks for coming.” He picks up Brit and she giggles as he tickles her tummy. “Hey, little woman, how’s life?”
“Happy,” Brit tells him.
Yes, she is. She spent the afternoon at the park with Grandma and now she’s spending the evening at a barbeque. For a twenty month old little girl, it’s the best day ever.
Not so much for me.
Grayson walks ahead with Brit and I take in the marble foyer. The home doesn’t feel like Grayson and Mia and I’m a little surprised they chose it. It’s rather formal, maybe even a tad sterile. Then we walk past the elegant foyer into the family room at the back of the house. It’s a huge great room with a fireplace and a gorgeous kitchen. French doors lead to a large deck with steps going down to a perfectly manicured expanse of lawn. Music is playing over the speakers, both inside and out. The smell of barbeque wafts through the air and the atmosphere feels festive. The house feels welcoming and warm. Now I see why they chose it. This part of the home is simply amazing.
There’s a big banner hanging over the doorway. “Welcome Home, Jace!” My heart sinks. No one told me this was a welcome home party. I absolutely would not have come.
“Hi Shay, Hi Caroline,” Mia says from the kitchen with a big smile.
She’s beaming and I’m pretty sure I know what their news is going to be.
“Grab a soda from the cooler and make yourselves at home. We’re almost ready to serve dinner.”
“Can we help?” I ask.
“Thanks, but everything is ready. We’re just waiting on the meat to finish on the grill.” She looks around. “Did you bring Brit?”
“She’s with Grayson. They must’ve slipped right past you.”
“Awww, he has a thing for Brit.” Mia smiles to herself, lost in her own thoughts. Yep, I’m positive I know what their announcement is.
I grab two sodas and hand one to Mom. We go out onto the deck and see that everyone is already here. We are the last ones to arrive. Stony and Spencer are having a conversation with Blake. Stony has Sophie balanced on one hip, gently rocking her back and forth like a pro. Sophie is dressed to the nines as always, wearing a pale pink sweater dress
with white tights and the cutest little black boots I’ve ever seen. She’s also sporting a headband with a large bow. Seriously, the four-month-old is the best dressed person here. That’s Stony and Spencer for you. Sophie always looks adorable.
Brit is looking pretty cute too in her black leggings, white frock, cream pea coat, and French style beret. Of course, Spencer bought her the outfit for her birthday and I can’t take credit for it. Dressing little girls is so much fun and Spencer has an eye for it.
The February afternoon is beautiful. It’s obvious March is about to greet us next week. It’s around four PM and the sun is still shining brightly. There’s a slight chill in the air, but the warm sun makes it feel refreshing. I’d guess we have about two hours of outdoor time before darkness falls and the chilly temperatures take over and chase us all indoors. Overall, it’s a nice taste of what’s to come. I love spring and summer, so this suits me.
Grayson is out on the grass with Brit, kicking a ball back and forth. Mom is tucking a blanket around Irene, fussing about like a mother hen, ensuring she’s comfortable. Irene looks good, if not a little frail, sitting in a wingback chair they’ve obviously moved out onto the deck just for her. Spencer and Grayson’s mom and dad are sitting with Irene as well. They recently moved to Abilene to be close to their children and grandchild. Joel and Tess Elliott are a hoot, to say the least. They talk over each other all the time and I never know which one I should listen to without appearing rude to the other one. And they are obsessed with their new granddaughter. As I’m standing on the deck taking everything in, Tess gets up and heads toward Stony, stealing Sophie from his arms without apology. Sophie, however, starts to cry and her little arms reach out for her dad. She’s such a daddy’s girl. Tess returns to her seat looking rather forlorn. I have a feeling she’s going to be ecstatic when Mia and Grayson share their news.
