A Slice of Unkindness

by D C McLaughlin

  She turned back to the octopus. It had left its man-made hide that was a broken pot and was now inspecting her with great interest on its side of the glass.

  “Calypso likes you,” Daniel observed.

  She saw the octopus dangling the tip of one of its tentacles out of the tank to reach out to her. Without thinking she extended a finger towards its boneless appendage. It touched her fingertip, then curled around it briefly before retreating back into its watery hide.

  It was then Edgar realized she had just touched one of the most deadly creatures known to man.

  “Wow!” cooed Daniel. “She shook hands with you! That almost never happens. She really does like you.”

  But Morris seemed unimpressed by this display. “Edgar, quit playin’ with tha calamari,” she quipped. “Come an’ ’ave tea an’ biscuits. We’ve much ta discuss. An’ big decisions canna be made on an empty stomach.”

  Edgar came and seated herself at the table. Morris set a plate of biscuits in front of her and Warren refilled her cup. She dove onto the pastries without waiting for anyone else.

  “What happened to Dr. Mutter?” she asked between mouthfuls.

  Daniel made a bubbly sound which she realized was his version of a laugh. “You might say I put him into cold storage… quite literally.”

  “But not before I managed to glean the information Daniel needed out of him,” Warren said and then shuddered in dread. “Seeing that man’s thoughts was frightening though. He’s such an absolute… fiend.”

  Daniel nodded as he took another sip of tea. “I did warn you that might happen. That man’s version of utopia was not one where I would ever be welcome. Too harsh and full of self gratification.”

  Warren nodded and then changed the subject. “Why didn’t you tell me Morris was a Mau?”

  Edgar had stuffed her mouth full of biscuit. She chewed carefully as she considered her answer. But it was Morris who saved her.

  “Remember we told ya a long time ago tha’ secrets keep you safe, especially ’ere on Castor 5?” she said as she poured her own cup of tea and seated herself across the table.

  He nodded.

  Morris gave a great sigh. “The Maus, or tabby people, were created by a mad scientist several decades ago,” she began.

  “Like my people?” interjected Daniel.

  Morris made a face and waggled her head a bit. “Similar but with different methods,” she explained. “Tha government deemed it such a success, they ordered more. They immediately put their new creations to work as spies. On other worlds there is a rather mean spirited little saying about us, ‘Never whisper your secrets to a cat because they will only pass the secret on ta everybody!’ It gave us quite a nasty reputation. People believed we couldna be trusted. But not only can we pass a secret on, we can keep one too. Most people dinna know that. We’re always judged badly.”

  “Except on Castor 5,” Edgar added. “There seems to be only one tabby person here, our beloved Morris.”

  Morris blushed and hid behind her red curls. She turned her green eyes back to Warren and they sparkled. “Na un’ knows tha multitude of secrets I’ve faithfully kept over tha years. Here on Castor 5, secrets keep you safe. Remember that, Warren.”

  He nodded and then turned to Edgar. “I’m glad to see your appetite has returned,” Warren paused before adding, “Aunt Edgar.”

  She set the cup down with a clatter. “You heard that?”

  Warren smiled shyly and nodded. “Mutter installed the dial and then set it to low… but not off. I heard everything.”

  Edgar growled low in her throat. “We gotta get that accursed thing removed!”

  There was a gasp and a hiss behind them. “I can help with that.”

  Edgar started and turned about.

  The Lord Chamberlin had entered the room. “I am so glad to see you safe and sound, Professor,” it said as it approached. “I hope you approve of my hospitality.” It gestured with a boney arm to their surroundings.

  “This floating pirate ship is yours?” she asked, and it nodded.

  “I live in another section that is more suited to my unique needs,” it explained. “I do not recommend going through that door unless you can hold your breath for a very long time. But I have so many dealings with your species, it became practical to install a… green room… I think you call it.”

  “I ’elped ’im ta decorate,” Morris interjected. “It needed a woman’s touch. A ’uman woman.”

  Edgar nodded into her cup. “I thought I detected your flair.”

  “Is the tea to your liking?” the Chamberlin asked. He pulled up a stool and then crouched upon it to watch them, spreading the skirts of his robe about it. Edgar knew the Chamberlin must be an alien. But she wondered as to the dimensions of the body the robes hid.

  “It’s very good, your Lordship. And very much needed after the recent excitement. Thank you,” Warren replied.

  This seemed to please the creature immensely.

  “You humans have such fascinating rituals concerning food. I would hate to disappoint you,” it replied.

  In spite of the fact she was still ravenous, Edgar pushed back her plate and turned to their guest.

  “Can you really remove the dial on his powers?” she asked.

  The hooded head nodded. “I have had sufficient time to study the human form and it seems an easy problem to remedy. I will get to work on it immediately.”

  Edgar noticed Warren had a strange look on his face. She touched him on the arm and asked with a glance.

  He met her gaze with a grave expression. “Don’t,” he finally said. “Don’t remove it.”

  Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at him. The Chamberlin’s face whipped about in his direction.

  “Why?” everyone asked at the same time.

  He looked uncomfortable and squirmed under their stares. “Because… well because,” he stammered awkwardly. “Please don’t be offended but… I want to be alone.”

  They exchanged confused looks.

  “Why do you want to be alone, son?” Edgar finally asked.

  “Because… I never am,” he answered. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to be me? Every minute of every day, I have a thousand voices in my head. All I want is one hour of peace, one night of silent sleep where the only internal thoughts I have are my own. You have no idea what I would give for such a peace. So no, don’t remove it.”

  He sighed. “As I have grown older my mental powers seem to have done so too. I can’t turn them off no matter how hard I try. I can make them quieter but they never go away. And when I relax enough to sleep, they scream at me. I just want the voices to stop. Please. Let me keep the dial so that I can rest.”

  The small group exchanged glances. At last Edgar nodded. “As you wish,” she said softly. “I had no idea you were going through this. Why didn’t you say something before?”

  The boy shrugged sheepishly and hung his head. “When you’re raised at Miss Madeline’s, you’re trained not to complain. Any issue is all in your head. You’re just imagining things to be worse than they really are. By the time I came here, it had become so ingrained, I didn’t even think to mention it.”

  The Chamberlain stirred. “Very well then. I will not remove it, just alter its function slightly. Maybe so that Edgar, a blood relative, can dial you up or down?”

  “No, don’t do that!” Edgar said quickly. “Heaven forbid someone would capture me and force me to do something I didn’t want, like hurt you. Warren should have complete control of the device.”

  The leather mask nodded. “It will be a simple matter. You humans think your bodies are so complex when the truth of the matter is nothing could be easier. Perhaps I will make it a hands-free control as well. Would you like that?”

  Warren nodded, smiling. “Please do. Thank you.”

  The mask bobbed its affirmation. “Then let me get my tools.”

  The creature left momentarily and returned very soon.

  W
hile he was away, Edgar noticed Warren seemed to be getting increasingly apprehensive. She remembered his phobia of doctors.

  “Lord Chamberlin,” she asked as the creature approached them and opened its bag next to Warren. The case was brimming with oddly shaped, shiny, metal tools. “Will this operation hurt?”

  Warren flinched at her words. “I suppose I’ll just feel a slight pinch,” he muttered.

  The Chamberlin had picked up a silver tube specifically suited to his long, pointy fingers. It held the tool in front of Warren and pressed a hollowed out well on its surface. A cloud appeared in front of his face.

  “Breathe deep,” the Chamberlain instructed.

  Warren obeyed.

  The Lord Chamberlin then directed his next sentence to Edgar’s question. “Not at all,” he assured. “The boy will be completely conscious and yet feel nothing while I am working. He will also have no pesky side affects like nausea. My people’s medical technology is quite advanced. You will even be able to carry on a conversation while I work.”

  The creature turned to Warren. “Now then, if you could tilt your head to the side, away from me,”

  Warren again obeyed.

  The Lord Chamberlin then did something that startled all of them. The leather robe it was wearing had a shorter cape around the shoulders. The creature flung back this capelet and eight spindly appendages slowly unfolded from the recesses of his attire. Some branched out to its sides and some arced over its head toward Warren.

  The boy squawked in surprise and fell out of his chair, tumbling away from the creature before him.

  “Do not be alarmed,” the Lord Chamberlin told them. “For did you not all suspect that I was an alien?”

  There was an electric silence as they regarded its new and slightly intimidating appearance.

  “Please, be at ease,” the creature told them. “When have I been anything but helpful and supportive to you?”

  Slowly they relaxed.

  “Please take your seat, child,” the Lord Chamberlain told Warren. “And know that you will be decidedly safer with me than any human doctor. I find human medical technology barbaric and unnecessarily cruel. Be seated. I promise not to hurt you in any way.”

  Warren looked at Edgar and Morris as if for permission. Morris smiled as if tickled at his fright. Edgar swallowed carefully and then nodded.

  Cautiously, Warren regained his seat within the arc of those scary arms. One of them motioned to him briefly. He understood. He took a deep breath, turned to the side and angled his neck away from the many-armed creature beside him.

  “Thank you,” the Chamberlin said. “You are indeed a brave boy. I have never revealed my multiple arms to any human before. But in order for this procedure to be over quickly, I will need all of them at once. You do understand?”

  Warren nodded but his face was still pale in fright.

  The Lord Chamberlin bent to his task, its multiple arms snatching up various tools. It tsked in disapproval of the device stitched onto the boy’s neck.

  “Such primitive design! Inelegant and inefficient. I will rectify this,” it assured. “Please do keep talking. As Morris said, we have much to discuss.”

  One of the spare arms went to the goggles on its mask and turned one brass socket around the base. The goggle’s glass telescoped like an antique spyglass used by sailors. It only adjusted one lens like this. The other was left alone.

  Again everyone wondered what the creature beneath the robes looked like.

  “Excuse my rudeness,” Edgar finally said. “But are you an arachnid?”

  The creature seemed amused by this question. “Not rude at all,” it chuckled. “How else are you going to learn? No, I am not.”

  “An insect?” posed Warren.

  “A crustacean?” asked Daniel.

  It chuckled. “No and yes,” it replied.

  Morris laughed. “Well that’s clear as a bell!”

  It laughed again in response. “I am not an arachnid, an insect or a crustacean,” it replied. “You do not yet have a word for my species. So those words are about as close to understanding as you are going to get.”

  “I’ve never run into a creature like you before,” Daniel said. “Are you the last of your kind?”

  Again the chuckle as the creature’s multiple arms flew in a graceful dance of surgery over Warren’s neck.

  “I am the last… and the first of my kind,” it explained.

  Morris shook her head. “Well, that’s just crystal!”

  “It will make perfect sense once I explain,” it told her.

  Edgar touched Warren lightly on the arm. His eyes turned to her. She whispered, “Does it hurt?”

  He bugged his eyes and stuck out his lip. “Not one bit!” he whispered back in sheer amazement with the merest of head shakes.

  “Please remain still, my boy,” the creature scolded. “I’m nearly finished.”

  “Sorry,” Warren said.

  “I brought you here because your human culture is severely unbalanced,” the Chamberlin told them. “I believe that you are the ones best suited to fix it. And you need to fix it soon, within six months at least.”

  Morris wrinkled her brows. “Why? What happens in six months?”

  The many arms paused and twitched as it inspected its work. The long fingers flexed and clicked.

  “I am called the Lord Chamberlin for a reason, one I have never divulged to any human. I guard the Chamber of Countless Souls. Right now I am the only surviving native of this planet. However, in six months’ time I will be the nanny to one hundred million newly hatched babies and this planet will become extremely overcrowded.”

  The creature muttered a sound of satisfaction and replaced all the implements back into its bag. “My boy, you are done!”

  Warren rubbed his neck. “But… you removed it?”

  “Not at all,” it replied. “I replaced the cumbersome thing with a new, smaller device just under the skin. It will feel like a tiny marble. With this bead, you can dial up or down your powers however you want just by thinking of it.”

  “Hang on just a minute,” interrupted Edgar. “You’re saying we’re about to be overrun?”

  “Quite right,” it replied. “And there will not be room for the human population and my kind once they hatch.”

  The humans exchanged horrified looks.

  “Well, then how do you expect us to avoid this?” Edgar asked.

  The mask snapped to Morris’ direction. “You’ve been saying the same thing quite frequently, my dear, that this planet is in sore need of a revolution. I believe the time has come to… ‘ruffle some feathers’ as you say.”

  “You expect us to pick a fight with the government?” Edgar said.

  “Yes,” it replied.

  There was a stunned silence. They looked at each other in confusion, dumbstruck by what the alien was proposing.

  When someone finally spoke, it was Warren. “People will die.”

  The masked head nodded. “A distinct possibility that cannot be avoided. Such things have a tendency to happen when groups clash and political systems fall.”

  The Chamberlin snapped his medical bag closed, withdrew its many arms and strode over to once again perch on his stool.

  “Never have I met a race of beings so hostile to itself,” it continued. “You seem to invent reasons to fight, from religion to race, to territory, to economic differences. However in this instance, the crowd must be thinned. And I for one would be very glad if there were fewer dekas to deal with.”

  The Chamberlin shook itself, like a bird fluffing its feathers. “I have had many years to study your kind. From your politics, to your anatomy and medicine, to your philosophy and your history, as well as the development of your weapons, I learned it all. You have never been very nice to your own kind.”

  “If the government knew about this, there would be war!” Edgar said. “They’d try to kill you!”

  There was a strange sound from beneath the mask. �
�It would be rather unwise of your kind to attempt such a thing even before the hatching. I do not sleep. And my people’s war machine is so far superior to your own…” It shrugged for emphasis. “It would be an absolute slaughter.”

  The mask swayed side to side and the strange body underneath the robes heaved as it sighed. “I am not discussing this with the government!” it told them. “I have watched you four closely for some time. You show remarkable potential to change things in a way that won’t lead to a mass genocide of my people. You give me hope. But the political system on this planet must change. And change can be frightening.”

  “It’s been changing already in subtle ways,” Morris muttered almost to herself.

  The Chamberlin nodded. “Ah, so you’ve noticed the shift, have you? Just you? Or have the others here also noticed things happening… insidious things?”

  They were silent for a long moment.

  Finally Daniel spoke. “Dr. Mutter threatened to remove your legs,” he said to Edgar.

  She shuddered and her hand reflexively clutched her upper thigh. “Yes, quit reminding me!”

  But Daniel shook his head. “No, I have to tell you this. You have to know what happened to his last pair of legs.”

  Her brow furrowed in confusion. “The pair that went gangrene?”

  Daniel nodded. “You need to know where… or who… they came from.” He paused and took a deep breath.

  “When someone dies at the fuel refinery… and eventually they all die at their posts… they send the body to Dr. Mutter for him to play with. I had always assisted with the… autopsies, that’s what they officially called them. That’s not what they were, though.”

  The others exchanged uncomfortable looks among themselves. They already didn’t like where his words were leading.

  “Well, we got this one body and the appearance of the man just didn’t seem to fit with what we normally received from the factory morgue. He didn’t look rough enough. This man seemed too soft. So I broke the rules and read his file. He was a new transplant and he was no criminal. He was an artist. He specialized in creations of a satirical nature. His last few works poked fun at the government and the ruling classes. They did not take kindly to what he called, ‘self expression’.”