Loving Jenna

by Amy Lillard

  * * *

  “Why don’t you invite her to the singing tonight?” Jonah asked.

  Buddy shook his head. “I’m not going.”

  “You haven’t been in a while now.” Jonah stopped hitching up his horse to give Buddy a direct look.

  Buddy shrugged. “It’s not much fun without you there.”

  “What about a girlfriend?” Jonah went back to his work. Church was over, eating was over, and everyone was getting ready to go home. All the youth were getting ready to have a singing. Buddy wouldn’t go. He wasn’t really young anymore and he had joined the church, so he wasn’t running around. What else was there to do at a singing except find a wife? And that wasn’t something he had ever let himself think about.

  Buddy felt the heat rise into his face. He was probably pink like the petunias his mother planted each spring. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

  “And how are you going to get one if you don’t go to the singings?”

  “I don’t know,” he mumbled. “Won’t, I guess.”

  Jonah finished his task and slapped his horse on the rump. “That’s what I mean. You should invite the new girl. Get a leg up.”

  Buddy didn’t answer. He wasn’t sure what his legs had to do with anything, but more than that, Jonah wouldn’t understand. He might be the best brother in the whole world, but he didn’t know what it was like to be Buddy. Buddy didn’t want to say what he had known for some time now. He didn’t like to be called special, but he knew he was different. He wasn’t as smart as everyone else. The only other person he knew like him was James Riehl. But James was different. He found a woman and married before he became “special.” Buddy had been this way his entire life. And girls had never liked him before. Why would this one be any different? She would be smart like the teacher and his brothers and sisters. She would want someone smart like her. She might be as pretty as an angel, the prettiest girl he had ever seen, but she wouldn’t feel the same. She wouldn’t want to be his girlfriend because he wasn’t like everyone else.

  They didn’t know it, but he heard his parents talk when they thought he wasn’t around, or maybe that he couldn’t hear them. They talked about how he would always live on the farm, how they hoped that Jonathan, his younger brother, would take care of him as he grew older. It had never bothered Buddy before, but now for some reason it did. It bothered him in a way that left him wanting. For what? He had no idea. But it was still there, this big hole inside him that needed something.

  “Maybe I should get me a dog.”

  Jonah laughed and clapped him on the shoulder, much like he had done to his horse.

  “What?” Buddy asked.

  “Nothing,” Jonah said.

  But he thought his brother wasn’t telling him the truth. “Obie’s got some good ones. And Gabe Allen Lambert is making dog houses now. I could get a dog and get that dog a house.” And show Mamm and Dat that he . . . that he . . . well, that he could take care of something else. And maybe then, they would know that he would be able to take care of himself. And they wouldn’t talk about him when they thought he couldn’t hear. Buddy didn’t know why that felt important. It just did.

  “Jah,” Jonah said. “I’ll go over there with you if you want.”

  “Sure.” Buddy grinned, happy to be back on what felt like familiar ground with his brother.

  “But what about the singing?”

  “I’ll go, I guess.”

  “Will you invite the girl?”

  He shook his head. “I wouldn’t want her to think it means something that it doesn’t.” Besides, now that he had plans to get a dog, why would he need a girlfriend?

  Chapter Two

  Singings are stupid! Jenna wanted to shout those words at the top of her lungs. But her mother would say she was having a fit and make her go anyway “out of principle.” Whatever that meant. When her mother said that, Jenna knew to give up. Her mother was going to win the argument and she should just settle herself to making the best of the situation.

  “Are you ready?” Rose Ebersol smiled at her and Jenna tried to return it. Two of the bishop’s daughters had promised to stay with her at the singing and help her meet people. Mamm had readily agreed. Now they were standing outside the barn at the Fitches’ where today’s church service had been held. Jenna had made a point to memorize the name, but she couldn’t remember who the Fitches were. She had simply been introduced to too many members of the community in one day. She would have to work on that another time.

  “Of course she’s ready.” Susannah Ebersol tucked Jenna’s arm through her own and patted her hand. “Stay with me. I know how to have a good time at these things.”

  Rose rolled her eyes at her sister. “Don’t pay any attention to her. She’ll get you into trouble.”

  Susannah smiled, but didn’t bother to deny her sister’s words. “But you’ll have a good time.”

  Jenna tried to smile once more. She didn’t want to have a good time. She didn’t want to go. But her mother said she needed “to meet people her own age.”

  Like anyone there would be her age. She turned twenty on her last birthday and she might not know a lot of things, but she knew that by twenty most of her friends back home were already married and having babies. And that was something she didn’t think she would ever get to do.

  Not because she wasn’t a good person, or she wasn’t pretty enough to have a suitor. She wasn’t smart. She knew it. She had heard people talking about it when they thought she couldn’t hear. “My brain is simple,” she wanted to tell them. “But my hearing is fine.” And when they talked, these people would say what a shame it was. “She’s such a pretty girl.” Then they would shake their heads and make that sound people made when they sucked on their teeth. “Such a shame.”

  She supposed it was, a little. Once she had been smart like everyone else. Her brain hadn’t been made simple yet. But long ago she had accepted that her different brain and different way of thinking were part of God’s plan. Sometimes God’s will was a shame. Like hurricanes and those big waves they had on the other side of the world. And sometimes it was a blessing. Now that she was changed after her accident, she wasn’t sure which to call it. For now she was neutral. That meant she wasn’t picking a side. She was right in the middle.

  Susannah patted her hand again. “Don’t worry; I won’t let her bore you to death.”

  Jenna was about to tell the girl that she didn’t think that was possible, when Susannah dragged her into the barn.

  It had already been set up for the singing. The church benches faced each other in rows and rows, much like church itself. The boys had already started to gather on one side and the girls on the other. Jenna had been to a singing before, though it had been a while. She didn’t like them.

  She had waited her whole life to turn sixteen and start running around. She and her friends had talked about it as young as ten years old. Especially those with older brothers and sisters who were already in rumspringa. Even after the accident, she had been excited at the prospect. Then she actually went to a singing and it wasn’t anything like she expected. Or maybe it was. The boys were looking at the girls, wondering which one of them they would marry. And the girls were looking at the boys, wondering which one of them they would marry. But nobody had been looking at Jenna.

  She had cried when she went home. She couldn’t deny the evidence that she was different any longer. It had been easier before, especially after she finished school. She spent two years learning how to cook and clean and take care of a house. To do that she needed to be home, so she had tucked herself away, only getting out for occasional trips to town for groceries and such and to go to church every other week. If she wasn’t around other people, it wasn’t so noticeable that she was different. But at that first singing, it was so obvious. She was different. Pretty but not smart. Simple Jenna.

  “Our sister’s father-in-law has brain damage,” Susannah said as they moved around the benches to find the best seat.
r />   “Susannah.” Rose’s voice was filled with scolding.

  “Well he does.”

  “But you shouldn’t go around telling people that.”

  Susannah frowned. “Why not? It’s the truth. And I wanted Jenna to know that she wasn’t the only one here.”

  “Susannah!” Rose pinched her sister on the arm.

  “Ow,” Susannah cried. “What did you do that for?”

  “You shouldn’t say such things.” Rose propped her hands on her hips. Her cheeks the same color as her name.

  “She knows she’s—” Susannah didn’t get to finish; Rose pinched her again. “Stop doing that!”

  “Then stop talking so much.”

  Jenna sighed. “I can hear you.”

  Both girls turned to her, their expressions painted with embarrassment and distress.

  “I’m sorry,” Rose started.

  “Me too,” Susannah added.

  “We just—”

  “It’s okay.” Jenna didn’t want to hear what their intentions were. She knew they meant well. Everyone always meant well.

  “Let’s start over,” Susannah suggested.

  “Jah,” Rose agreed.

  What choice did Jenna have but to go along? She nodded her consent and the three of them found seats.

  The girls sat on either side of her and talked across her the whole time as they waited for the singing to begin. They talked about this boy’s shirt and that boy’s suspenders. They talked about this girl’s hair, and that girl’s dress, but Jenna had no idea who any of them were.

  “Would you look a’there,” Rose said. She was too polite to point, and instead nodded her head in the direction she wanted them to look.

  “Oh, my,” Susannah exclaimed. Then she nudged Jenna in the ribs with her elbow. “That’s Buddy Miller.”

  “Okay,” Jenna said.

  “No,” Susannah continued. “It’s not just okay. He’s like you. Well, kind of.”

  Jenna barely got out of the way before Rose reached across her to pinch her sister.

  But Susannah was too fast and snatched her arm away before her sister could grab any skin. “That was a free one,” she said. “Pinch me again and I’m telling Mamm.”

  “Tell her.” Rose’s voice was full of challenge. “And I’ll tell her a few things of my own.”

  The sisters sat back in place, facing front. The singing was about to start.

  “Who’s Buddy Miller?” She hadn’t meant to ask. Why did she even need to know?

  “That boy right there in the front. Next to Jonathan Miller,” Susannah said.

  “She doesn’t know who Jonathan Miller is.”

  “Right. Jah.” Susannah thought about it for a second. “He’s wearing a blue shirt.”

  Rose shook her head. “Most of the boys over there are wearing blue shirts.”

  It was true, these boys like the ones back home seemed to prefer blue above any other acceptable color.

  “Third from the left,” Rose said. “Right there.”

  And that’s when she saw him.

  He looked different than anyone she had ever seen. Not bad, just different. Shaggy blond hair, as if he couldn’t sit still long enough for anyone to cut it all at one time. It was blond but different than her own. Darker, thicker. His hair looked like stalks of wheat ready for the harvest. His face was broad, his eyes deep set. They turned up a bit at the corners, giving him an unusual look. Exotic, she thought some people said. Though she wasn’t 100 percent sure that’s what it was called. His eyes were brown, but not ordinary. They looked like the root-beer candy she used to get at the meat market when she lived in Kansas. He was handsome in his own way, she decided. But how was he like her?

  “He’s got Down syndrome,” Susannah said importantly.

  “Susannah!” Rose admonished.

  “What? I can’t say that either?”

  “What’s that?” Jenna asked.

  “Not sure, really.” Susannah paused to think about it a little more; Rose took the opportunity to jump back into the conversation.

  “It makes him not quite as smart as other people. You know, when it comes to school and things like that.”

  “Like me.” Jenna sat up a little straighter in her spot and pointed a thumb at her own chest.

  “He’s plenty smart in other ways,” Susannah cut back in. “He’s good with animals and he helps his dat on the farm. And he’s a real good baseball player.”

  “I can do that,” Jenna said. “Not farm. But I can cook and clean. Though I don’t really play baseball.”

  “It doesn’t matter. You two can still be friends,” Susannah assured her.

  “Does he want to be friends?”

  “Of course he does,” Susannah said as Rose replied, “We’ll have to go ask.”

  Jenna shook her head. “I don’t want to ask him.”

  “But—” Susannah said.

  “Time to sing,” Rose interrupted.

  A boy Jenna had been introduced to earlier stood in the middle of the benches between the girls and the boys. She might have been introduced to him, but she couldn’t remember his name. Not that it mattered. He would probably never talk to her. Like all the other boys, he liked smart girls. Smarter anyway.

  But it was all God’s plan, she told herself. And that’s the way it was supposed to be.

  * * *

  “What’s her name?” Buddy couldn’t help himself. He said he wasn’t going to worry about who she was or why she was in Wells Landing. Even if she was staying, it wasn’t like they could be friends. Buddy had enough of those.

  He managed not to say anything while they were singing. And they sang and sang for it seemed like hours. Now everyone was drinking Kool-Aid and getting ready to go home.

  Buddy pushed the thoughts of having a girlfriend of his own to the back of his mind. For some reason every time he put them away they came back again, a little quicker each time, as if to tease him with their message. Some things were just better if accepted early on and dealt with when they came up. He knew. Jonah had told him, and Jonah was real smart. Smart like the girl across the room.

  “Who?” Jonathan asked. He had to take his gaze from Susannah Ebersol.

  “The girl sitting with the one you’re moony-eyed over.”

  “I’m not moony-eyed over Susannah Ebersol.”

  “Ah,” Buddy said. He raised one finger and grinned at his brother. “You were looking at her.”

  Jonathan shrugged as if it didn’t matter, but it did. Buddy knew it did. “Maybe I was. I still don’t know who the girl is.”

  Buddy watched her. She moved easy, as if every step was already planned. She never stumbled. Graceful. Like the swans in that special pond over in Tulsa. He had been to see them a couple of times. He liked animals. But those birds glided through the water like it was nothing. That’s how she walked.

  That’s how he knew. She was smart. She didn’t have to worry about things. Her mother didn’t hover over her. Her mother didn’t talk about her when she thought she couldn’t hear. Not like Buddy’s mamm.

  “If you like her, go talk to her.” Jonathan clapped him on the shoulder, bringing him out of his thoughts.

  “No,” Buddy said, shrugging off his brother’s hand. “No. She probably doesn’t live here. Wouldn’t make any difference. No. Probably not a good idea.”

  “You won’t know any of that until you talk to her.”

  Buddy looked across the room. The blond-haired girl was staring back at him! He started to look away, but he couldn’t.

  Susannah leaned close to her and whispered something in her ear.

  The girl nodded, then she raised one hand and waved at him. At him!

  “I think she likes you,” Jonathan said in a low voice. It was almost a whisper, but Buddy could still hear the smile in it.

  “No,” he said. “She doesn’t like me.”

  Jonathan nudged him toward the three girls. Susannah and Rose Ebersol were standing on each side of her.


  “And you will talk to Susannah?” Buddy asked.

  Jonathan turned the same color as the pickled beets Mamm served with supper. “I, uh—jah, I guess so.”

  Buddy wouldn’t have had the courage to walk across the room for the only purpose of talking to a girl if he hadn’t had his brother at his side. Had it been Jonah, it might not have taken him so long to decide to walk over, but that was just Jonah. Somehow he knew what to say to Buddy to get him to understand. It wasn’t that Buddy loved Jonathan any less, but Buddy simply had a closer relationship with Jonah. He missed him. He and Sarah and their sweet baby girl lived way across town. Far enough that Dat said Buddy couldn’t drive the tractor there when he was by himself. That meant he had to wait for someone else to want to visit his brother before he could go. Buddy hated that.

  “Hi.” Susannah waved at them as they approached. That was Susannah. She was fun and outgoing. Never bashful or shy like Buddy could be at times. He didn’t want to be bashful, but it was like a different part of him rose up inside and took over. When that happened he pulled away from everyone and he wasn’t able to talk. Thankfully that didn’t happen much.

  “Hi.” Jonathan’s voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. “Hi,” he said, this time a little deeper.

  “What are you doing over here, Jonathan Miller?” Rose propped her hands on her hips and stared at Buddy’s brother. Normally Rose was mild-mannered and sweet, but for some reason here lately, she was . . . was . . . well, she was not.

  “Just came to say hi.” Jonathan shifted in place but dropped his gaze to his feet. It was a sure sign that he liked Susannah Ebersol, but he wasn’t ready to tell her yet. He had liked her for so long, and it seemed to Buddy that he was about to miss his chance. Especially with Rudy Don coming up from the other side.

  “Hi, girls.” Rudy Don Lambright walked up like they should be thankful he had come by. Buddy liked Rudy Don good enough. Luke’s brother was handsome and good at everything. He had big dimples, and bright blue eyes like the pictures of the ocean he had seen in the window of the travel agent’s office in town. But the thing was, all the girls liked Rudy Don. All of them. He would have his pick once he decided to court. And now that he was here, Buddy was sunk. There was no way the girls would talk to him, or even Jonathan, when Rudy Don was around.