Loving Jenna

by Amy Lillard

  Mammi smiled, but it still appeared sad. “Good. Now finish up your supper and get ready for bed. It’s already late.”

  “Yes, Mammi.” Jenna made two big bites out of the food left on her plate, then, still chewing, she took her dishes to the sink and ran a little water on them.

  She washed her hands, dried them on a towel, then stopped to swallow the food in her mouth. She managed to get half of it down, chewed a couple more times, then swallowed the rest.

  Mamm made a noise that was part disgust and part resignation. At least that’s what it sounded like to Jenna. But she wasn’t staying around to ask her mamm exactly what it meant.

  “G’night,” she murmured and started for the stairs, but she wasn’t out of earshot when she heard her mother start.

  “If we don’t get a handle on her she won’t be fit for company.”

  “Charlotte, that girl is fine; leave her be. You shouldn’t worry so much about it.”

  Her mamm’s tone turned gentle, lost the hard quality that it’d had just moments before. “Of course I worry about her. She’s why I’m here, after all.”

  “Maybe part of the reason.”

  What did Mammi mean?

  “It’s all the reason,” Mammi continued. “That girl needs to be treated no different than any other.”

  “She’s special,” Mamm said. “She has special needs. A girl with special needs can’t be treated like any other girl.”

  “She only has special needs because you say she does. She’s trying hard to be like everyone else.”

  “She’s not like everyone else.”

  “And she never will be,” Mammi said. “Unless you allow her to try.”

  * * *

  Jenna felt helpless. All she wanted to do was see Buddy, spend some time with him. Yet it had been days since she had seen him last. It didn’t seem like a big thing to ask for, and yet she didn’t know how to go about it. Mamm didn’t like him hanging around. And they hadn’t planned to go into town at all this week. Even if they did go into Wells Landing, there was no telling whether they would run into him or not.

  She had thought about going out to the phone shanty and seeing if Buddy’s family had one close to them. Maybe he would get the message from her, but it—like going to town to find him—was a stretch.

  She just wished she had made some kind of arrangement to see him again when he left on Tuesday. He’d said that he would see her soon, but it was Saturday and she hadn’t seen him since. Tomorrow was Sunday, the off Sunday for the district and seven more days before she would even get to see him at church.

  If he even came to church. He would. Unless he was sick, or he had fallen and hurt himself. Or maybe even if his mamm was sick and couldn’t make it to the service. But those ideas didn’t seem likely either.

  Seven days from Sunday. Could she hold on until then before she got to see him? She would have to.

  “Come on.” Mammi stuck her head in Jenna’s room, startling her from the novel she was reading. It was one she had found in the paperback book bin at the library. They had been just giving them away and Jenna had taken a few. They were thin with white covers and a circle on the front. Most times the circle had a picture of a man and a woman on it. So far the book she was reading was interesting. It was a romance. It even said so right there on the cover. So she had hidden them under her bed so Mamm wouldn’t find them. She had five in all and she was planning on reading every one of them.

  She didn’t know some of the words, but what she hadn’t known she had skipped over, and everything still made sense. And there had been kissing.

  The writer talked about swooping lips and plunging stomachs, butterflies and nervous feelings. Shaking hands and being filled with an outside warmth on the inside. She had felt all those things when Buddy kissed her.

  Did that mean she and Buddy were having a romance? The thought was exciting. She had never had a romance before. And for the first time in her life she wanted it. She wanted it more than she had wanted anything else. Ever.

  Jenna tucked the book under her leg and let her skirt fall down to conceal it. “Where are we going?”

  “Town.” Mammi shook the tractor keys. “We’re going to the fabric store. I want to get some new fabric. Then maybe we’ll go to the bakery and get a cupcake or something. Sound good?”

  It sounded more than good. It sounded like something straight out of heaven. She shoved the book under her pillow and stood. She hoped Mammi hadn’t noticed her hiding the romance novel. She wouldn’t want Mamm to take it away before she got to find out if the man and woman ever got married. She might lose her mind if she didn’t know how it ended. Jah, it was that good.

  “What about Mamm?” she asked, smoothing her palms down her choring apron. There was a little tear at the bottom, but she didn’t think anyone would notice. And she didn’t want to change. It seemed like such a waste of time and energy. Especially to change just because it wasn’t the right apron to wear to town. If Mamm had seen it she would have made her change anyway and would have put the apron away until she had time to mend it. But it wasn’t Mamm standing there waiting for her to get ready, but Mammi. Mammi, who rarely worried about anything. Mammi, who seemed to take her side when Mamm got a little too wound up. Maybe that was why Mammi was taking this trip into town. Maybe she needed a break from her mamm as much as Jenna herself.

  She said a quick prayer as she rushed over to the mirror and checked her prayer kapp. She shouldn’t think such uncharitable thoughts about her own mother, but sometimes the thought was there before she could even think about not thinking about it.

  “Your mamm is staying here,” Mammi said. “It’ll just be the two of us. Is that okay?”

  Jenna couldn’t stop her smile of joy and relief. “That sounds perfect.”

  “Then change your apron and we’ll go.”

  * * *

  “What’s your favorite?” Mammi asked as they browsed through the fabric shop. It was across Main Street from the Kauffman Family Restaurant, but a person could barely see one if standing in front of the other. A huge tree grew between the stores in the park that ran through the middle of the town. It was an elm. Or maybe an oak. She wasn’t sure. She didn’t know that much about trees. And did it matter what kind of tree it was? Not really. No matter what kind of tree was there, it still blocked the view.

  “This one.” Jenna ran her fingers over the most beautiful shade of purple she had ever seen. She loved purple. It was and had always been her favorite color. And this shade was more beautiful than most. Dark enough to look mature, but not so dark that a body couldn’t tell that it was purple.

  Mammi laughed. “Of course.” She knew as well as Mamm that Jenna loved the color purple. She pulled the bolt of fabric from the wall and balanced it against her shoulder.

  “What are you doing?” Jenna asked.

  “I think it’s time for a new dress.” Mammi smiled.

  “You and Mamm are getting one too?” Jenna asked. That was how they usually did things. Mamm picked out the color and Mammi made them all three dresses from the same fabric. That Jenna got to choose this time made it even more special.

  “Not this time,” Mammi said. “This one will be just for you.”

  “Really?”

  Mammi nodded, gathered up the matching thread and the necessary snaps, then took everything to the counter. Jenna was going to have a beautiful dress, in the most beautiful color and all for herself. Why did that seem so special? She wasn’t sure, and as strange as it sounded, Mammi’s decision made Jenna feel grown-up. It wasn’t anything she could have guessed would happen.

  Mammi paid for the supplies and together they left the shop and walked down Main Street.

  “Would you rather have a piece of pie from Kauffman’s or a cookie from Esther’s Bakery?” Mammi asked.

  Jenna stopped. Pie or a cookie. Both were fantastic. She loved pie from Kauffman’s. It was as good as the pie they had at the restaurant back in Yoder. But even more fun,
Cora Ann Kauffman was known for loving to cook and trying her own new recipes. Everyone said she took after her father, but he had died before Jenna and her family had moved to town.

  And Esther’s Bakery . . . they had the best everything in town. Their pies rivaled those at Kauffman’s and people came from all over for their cookies and cakes. Plus Jenna loved to visit with Caroline and Esther. She especially loved when Caroline had one of her little ones with her. Emma was the oldest, then Holly—who was a boy—and Baby Grace. Baby Grace was just over a year old now, but Jenna had heard the ladies talking at the quilting circle and even after the church service, saying that Baby Grace had been hard on Caroline. Jenna wasn’t completely sure what that meant, but she supposed that Caroline had been unwell. Whatever it was, Caroline looked healed to Jenna. More than healed. Caroline was one of the most beautiful women Jenna had ever seen. Blond hair, hazel eyes, and a happiness that she wore around her like a cloak. It was the same happiness Jenna could see on her husband and children as well. They were a great family and blessed to have each other. Jenna had also heard people talk about God’s plan when talking about Caroline and Andrew. They didn’t say much more than that. But Jenna had pieced together from other conversations that Caroline had been married and widowed and Andrew had lost the love of his life before moving to Wells Landing. Unlike Jenna’s family, who came from Kansas, Andrew had moved to Oklahoma from Missouri.

  “Well?” Mammi asked.

  “Cookies,” she answered with a decisive nod. Pie was good, but Esther kept a microwave out for customer use. Nothing beat melty chocolate chip cookies.

  “Let’s go.” Mammi led the way up Main Street until they could cross over to the park.

  It was strange to Jenna that there was a park right in the middle of town. It was long and narrow but shone like a jewel. The grass was pretty and green. There were a couple of big trees on both ends and Jenna wondered if the town decorated them at Christmastime. She loved Christmas lights, though she knew better than to say as much to Mamm. Her mother felt the flashy Englisch way of celebrating Christmas did not serve Jesus. Jenna just thought they were pretty, that was all. But Mamm didn’t understand how she could love the lights and Jesus at the same time.

  It was Saturday, early afternoon, and the weather was fine. The sun was shining, the wind barely blowing. The temperature promised summer was on the way, but it wasn’t too hot yet. May was just perfect that way.

  Jenna and Mammi made their way across the park, past where the other people played with their children, ate a snack at the picnic tables scattered throughout, or allowed their children to play on the many pieces of equipment—the swings, the seesaw, the sandbox.

  They had to wait to cross the street on the other side. Two cars and a tractor chugged by before they could get to the opposite sidewalk.

  Everything about the day seemed special as they walked into the bakery.

  It smelled like every bakery she had ever been in—yeast and sugar blended together by the heat from the ovens.

  Jenna smiled when she spied Caroline behind the counter. She was drying her hands on a clean white towel.

  “Hi, Jenna, Nadine.” Caroline tossed the towel over one shoulder. “Are you having a good Saturday?”

  “Jah.” Jenna bounded toward the counter, excited to see the young woman. “Mammi bought me some material to make a new dress. It’s purple.”

  Mammi chuckled and shook her head. “It’s her favorite color.”

  Caroline turned to Jenna. “Have you met James Riehl?” she asked. “Emily’s father-in-law? He loves purple too.”

  “Is he Lavender’s father?” Mammi asked.

  Caroline gave a playful eyeroll as she nodded. “That’s him. Great man,” she said. “Though purple is more than a color to him.”

  Jenna remembered. He was the one at church who wore a light purple shirt under his vest instead of the traditional white. At first she was a little shocked that he was allowed to do that, but then she kind of liked it. Probably because she liked purple as much as he did. Then she had overheard some of the ladies talking to Mamm and Mammi. They told them about James. How he’d been kicked in the head by a cantankerous milk cow and had almost died.

  To Jenna it sounded a little like her own accident, though she couldn’t remember a time before then. Even though she was twelve when she had drowned and almost died, it was as if her mind shut down most of her memories before that. She remembered times and things, just not how it felt to be without a weakened brain.

  “I’m going to make this dress for Jenna to wear to next week’s service.”

  “James will love that,” Caroline told them. “What would you ladies like?”

  “I’ll have a coffee,” Mammi said. “And Jenna will have—”

  “A chocolate chip cookie and a glass of milk.”

  “Be right up,” Caroline said.

  She turned away to fill their order and Mammi looked to Jenna. “Would you rather have a milk or a coffee?”

  Jenna wrinkled her nose. “Mamm doesn’t like for me to drink coffee.”

  “I know. But you’re growing up. And I think you should be allowed a few more liberties.”

  Jenna shook her head, though the thought was thrilling and maybe a bit forbidden. It was enough to know that Mammi thought she was old enough for coffee. She didn’t actually have to drink it. Maybe next time.

  Caroline buzzed around behind the counter getting their order ready while they found a place to sit. “I forgot to get the elastic for your mamm,” Mammi said.

  “Do you want me to go get it?” Jenna offered.

  Mammi shook her head. Like most of the older women in Wells Landing, she had taken to tying her prayer kapp strings since moving to Oklahoma. Women in Yoder left theirs untied, no matter their age. Jenna wasn’t quite used to the look yet. “You stay here and enjoy your cookie,” Mammi said. “I’ll be right back.”

  Jenna slid back into the booth bench and watched as Mammi headed out. Jenna loved coming to the bakery. It reminded her of one of the stores back home. It wasn’t a bakery itself, but it had places to sit and enjoy the food, each other’s company, and even the town as it went by.

  “I thought you were going home early.”

  Jenna turned as Esther Fitch bustled into the store. Esther was the bakery’s owner, a plump woman with sparkling eyes and rosy cheeks. If Jenna had to use one word to describe Esther, she would say merry.

  “I was going to, but Jodie couldn’t come in.” Caroline planted one hand at the base of her spine and stretched, then she picked up the tray holding their order and carried it to their table.

  Esther shook her head. “Get on now. I’m here.” Esther shooed Caroline away.

  For the first time Jenna noticed the dark circles under Caroline’s eyes. She wasn’t a new-new mother, but Jenna had babysat enough to know that Caroline had the look of an overtired parent.

  Caroline untied her apron and half folded, half wadded it into a roll.

  “And why don’t you take tomorrow off.” It wasn’t quite a request.

  “I’m fine.”

  Jenna knew it was rude to listen in on their conversation, but she was so tuned in to listening to others speak that she couldn’t help herself. She stood and made her way to the counter where the microwave sat. A couple of seconds and her cookie would be chewy, melty goodness.

  “You may be fine,” Esther said, “but we don’t want a repeat of Gracie.”

  Caroline patted Esther’s plump cheek. Jenna ducked her head and pretended not to be listening. “You’re too good to me.”

  “The feeling is mutual. Now get on home and rest yourself and that baby. I’ll get Jodie to cover for you tomorrow.”

  The microwave dinged. Jenna recovered her cookie and went back to her seat. The words spoken between Caroline and Esther stayed with her. There was something about them. Something special. Something that she was missing, and if she had a few moments she might be able to figure out what it was. But the be
ll above the door rang. Instinctively she turned to see who had come in. One look and she straightened, shifted in her seat, and otherwise tried to act normal.

  “Jenna?”

  She looked over as he called her name. “Buddy?” she asked.

  He broke away from his mamm and approached the table while his mother frowned at the both of them. “I didn’t know you liked to come into the bakery on Saturday afternoons.”

  “I like to come to the bakery any time I can,” she replied. Was that a dumb thing to say? She thought it sounded dumb, but it was already out, and she couldn’t take it back now.

  He grinned and jerked a thumb back toward himself. “Me too.”

  His mother cast her a disapproving look, then made her way to the counter where Esther waited.

  “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to come over,” Buddy said. “I wanted to, but Mamm doesn’t like for me to drive the tractor by myself.”

  “You did the other day,” she pointed out.

  He nodded. “And Mamm was mad. I got grounded.”

  She supposed she might have been too if Mamm knew that a boy had been over while Jenna had been home alone. “I understand. I’m just glad I got to see you today. And I enjoyed seeing you on Tuesday.”

  “Me too.”

  “Mammi and I came to town to buy material for a new dress.”

  “We came to get some bread for tonight. And a peanut butter pie.” He made a face.

  “You don’t like peanut butter pie?” Jenna asked.

  He shrugged. “I like cake. Chocolate cake with peppermint frosting. Peanut butter pie’s good, I guess. But Mamm gets one whenever Jonah and Sarah and the baby come over to eat. We can only get chocolate cake with peppermint frosting at Christmastime.”

  She supposed that meant the three of them were scheduled to come to supper that evening, but she didn’t have time to ask before his mother, Gertie, tugged on his elbow.

  “Time to go. Say good-bye, Buddy.”

  He looked back to Jenna and grinned. “Good-bye, Buddy.”

  Jenna returned his smile and gave a little wave as he sauntered out the door behind his mamm. He was so cute. And funny. And sweet. And she couldn’t imagine only getting to see him on Sundays after church. There might be the chance encounter in town—after all, Wells Landing wasn’t that big—but she wanted to see him often. Every day. More than every day. Was there more than every day? As much as possible for sure. But neither one of them seemed to have that much control over their lives. His mother kept him close. Wouldn’t allow him to drive the tractor by himself. Her mother didn’t want them to see each other. She didn’t even want Jenna to drink coffee.