Loving Jenna

by Amy Lillard

  Chapter Nineteen

  Buddy stood in the shadows of the barn and watched as Jenna unloaded her stuff from the trailer. Then she and her mamm gathered everything up and carted it into the house.

  He should have gone out to help them, but he was still reeling at the sight of her. She had come back.

  To apologize to him and tell him that he was right? That she should have realized that he cared about her and that words weren’t the most important thing between them?

  Probably not, seeing as how she carried her bags into the house without even the smallest look toward the barn.

  She had come back for Titus and Abbie. Or rather, baby Nancy, who seemed to like Jenna more than she liked anyone else.

  But he wished more than anything that she had come back for him. Even if not to tell him that he was right and to apologize for being so selfish in her accusations to him.

  He watched them until they disappeared into the house. He was supposed to be gathering vaccinations for “the girls.” That’s what Titus called the herd since they were all females. The one male, Sampson, was kept separate at all times except for mating. He was about the meanest creature Buddy had ever seen.

  “Everything okay?”

  And just as he knew, Titus had come looking for him. Buddy’d had plenty of time to get to the barn and get back. And here he stood.

  “Jenna’s back.”

  Titus grinned. “Oh, jah?” Then his smile died on his lips. “Are you going to be all right with that?”

  How could he not be? He might not be the smartest man in the room, but he knew that they needed Jenna. Maybe even more than he did. “No, Jenna needs to help with baby Nancy.”

  “Is there something we should do?”

  He thought about it a moment, then shook his head. “I guess it’s something I’ll have to get used to.”

  Titus nodded. “Listen, Buddy. I really like having you here and working with you. So if something happens, I don’t want you to just run off. Let’s work through it, okay?”

  “Jah, okay.”

  “That didn’t sound confident.”

  “It’s just . . . I got this job to prove to my dat that I was responsible enough to have a wife and family.”

  “I believe you’ve done that.”

  “Those plans always included Jenna as my wife.”

  “That doesn’t mean it has to be that way in reality. You know, if you two don’t manage to work it out.”

  Buddy shook his head. “Who am I going to marry?”

  “There’s somebody out there for everybody. I believe that. And sometimes it might not be the person you thought at first.” He clapped Buddy on the shoulder. Buddy liked when he did that. It made him feel like he was one of the guys, no different than anybody else. But he was. He could pretend all he wanted, but at the end of it all, he was still the same.

  “She’s just being so stubborn.” Buddy pounded a fist into his palm.

  “About?”

  “Words.” He threw up his hands in frustration. “I have to ask her everything. Do you want to be my girlfriend? Will you marry me? Everything with her has to be all out in the open. It’s like she can’t figure it out. Aren’t some things just known?”

  Titus tilted his head to one side and studied Buddy for a moment. “Are you telling me that you two broke up because you wouldn’t ask her to be your girlfriend?”

  “Wife,” Buddy corrected. “But I had to ask her to be my girlfriend too. She made me.”

  “You didn’t want her as your girlfriend?”

  “I did, but she should have known that I wanted that. She wanted that.”

  “I see.” Titus pressed his lips together and gave a solemn nod. “Okay, Buddy. It’s time we had a man-to-man.”

  “I already know how babies are made.”

  Titus laughed. “That may be. But you have a lot to learn about women.”

  * * *

  Buddy studied his reflection in the mirror and slicked one hand over the cowlick in the front of his hair. It immediately sprang back into place. It had finally grown out from where he had cut it, but it still didn’t behave any better than before.

  Baby lotion hadn’t helped before, and he didn’t have any out here in his room anyway. He pulled on the hair and it returned to its original position.

  Leave it, a little voice said. It’s part of who you are and you shouldn’t change.

  But Titus’s talk from that morning was still running around in his head. If he wanted a woman, any woman, not just Jenna, then he had to remember that some things had to be done their way.

  Buddy wasn’t 100 percent sure what he meant by that, but he got the feeling that Titus was trying to tell him that if Jenna wanted to be asked to be his wife, or anything else for that matter, then he should ask. It didn’t matter how he felt about the situation. If he wanted her, then that was the price.

  Buddy tugged on the hair again, but that only made it stick out more. Oh, well. It wasn’t like she cared. If she had really and truly cared, she wouldn’t have left. She would have stayed here with him. But she had made her choices.

  He left his room and made his way through the cool, dim barn. He paused only once as he got to the door, then he stepped out into the sunshine and headed for the house.

  At the door, he wiped his hands down his pant legs and took a deep breath. Then he knocked and went inside. He wasn’t sure he could remember all the things Titus told him about women. Or that he even wanted to use them. But one thing he knew: He was looking forward to seeing Jenna again.

  * * *

  Jenna’s breath caught in her throat when she saw him. She had avoided looking outside all day as she helped Priscilla and Abbie with the babies, particularly Nancy. Jenna hadn’t wanted to see Buddy. He wasn’t why she had come back. She had come back for the family. So she didn’t need to see him. Or talk to him. Or even act like he was there.

  So her breath hitched and she turned away. She was supposed to be setting the table for their meal and that’s exactly what she was going to do. Tablecloth in place.

  Plates, forks, knives, glasses of water. Without another look at him, she turned and made her way back into the kitchen.

  “Jenna?” Priscilla’s voice was like a calm spot in a storm. “Are you okay?”

  She walked over to the cabinet where the food had been placed into bowls, ready to be taken out to the table. But she didn’t want to pick any of it up. Her hands were shaking too badly, and she might drop everything she touched if she didn’t get ahold of herself. Head down, she gave a small nod. “I’m fine.”

  “Sweetie, this isn’t what fine looks like.” Priscilla came closer and Jenna raised one hand to stop her. She wouldn’t be able to keep it together if Priscilla did anything big, like try to hug her. She was struggling enough right now. She had to keep herself together. She didn’t want to go out there with runny eyes and a red nose from crying. The last thing she wanted was Buddy Miller to see that he had made her cry.

  “He’s here,” she finally said.

  “Buddy?”

  She gave another small nod.

  Priscilla placed her hands on Jenna’s shoulders and spun her around. Then she hooked one finger under Jenna’s chin and lifted her face in the way only a mother could. “You are a strong and beautiful woman. You’ve been through a lot and you’ve come through. The first heartbreak is always the hardest.”

  “Why?” Jenna whispered.

  Priscilla gave her a soft, sad little smile. “Because you don’t know that you can recover.”

  “And can I? Recover?”

  “You can do anything you set your mind to do.”

  * * *

  Jenna carried the basket of rolls to the table and set them on one corner before taking her own seat. The babies had been fed and were in their swings so the adults could eat. Nancy had calmed down and stopped crying. Abbie said it was due to her, but Jenna couldn’t take all the credit. But she was happy to be back with the Lamberts. She felt use
ful again, even if she wasn’t needed . . . by Buddy, even if Abbie said she needed her.

  Buddy had come in and sat at the end of the table instead of across from her. And that was fine. Really it was. It was hard enough to be at the table with him without having to look up and see those honey-colored eyes of his. And know that he didn’t care enough about her to say the few words needed to ask her to be a part of his life.

  But sitting at the table with him and not being able to talk to him like she had before . . . She could talk to him, but things were different now. Nothing was the same. And she hated it.

  Dinner consisted of a lot of overloud talking and the clinking of silverware.

  Buddy didn’t say a word. And neither did Jenna, unless someone said something to her directly. She told herself that this supper would be the hardest, but she didn’t know that for certain. And she wasn’t sure that she could trust that tomorrow’s breakfast wouldn’t be as awkward. If she was going to stay there and help the Lamberts, she needed to clear the air with Buddy.

  So after she and Abbie got the twins down for the first part of their night, with Priscilla’s words still upfront in her mind, Jenna went out to the barn to find Buddy.

  She expected the barn to be dark but was surprised how little she could see. The sun was on its way down, so she followed the light that came from his room. She made her way, stopping to think about what she was doing now that she was standing right outside his half-open door. Maybe this should wait until morning. It felt a little . . . intimate.

  She started to back away when his door came all the way open.

  “Jenna?”

  “Buddy.” The words gushed from her along with all the air in her lungs. She sucked in another breath. “I shouldn’t be here.”

  PJ wriggled past his master and braced those big fuzzy paws on Jenna’s legs. She rubbed his ears and got a doggie kiss for her efforts. She had missed the dog. Almost as much as she missed Buddy.

  The truth seemed to strike him then, that they were alone in the darkened barn. “Oh. We could walk if you want.”

  “Jah.” She nodded a little too enthusiastically and almost knocked herself over. She reached out a hand to steady herself and clasped his arm. She let him go almost immediately.

  “Let’s go.” He frowned, then took her hand and walked her out into the yard.

  Then all too soon, he let her go.

  Jenna felt a little lost without her fingers wrapped in his. But he wasn’t hers. And never would be.

  “I wanted to talk to you,” Jenna said.

  “Okay.” He stopped for a moment as PJ darted in front of him, chasing after some sundown shadow. “What about?”

  “I need to be here to help Abbie with the babies.”

  “Jah.”

  “And you need to be here to help Titus with the camels.”

  “He tells me so, jah.”

  “Then we have to be some sort of friends.”

  “I want to be friends,” he said.

  “You do?” It was her turn to stop.

  “Why wouldn’t I want to be your friend?”

  “I don’t know what you want.” She had tried to figure it out and given up.

  He took her hand again, this time both of them. “Of course I want to be your friend. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”

  “You’re the only friend that I’ve ever had.”

  “So we can do this, jah? I can help Titus and you can help Abbie and we can be friends.”

  She smiled at him. “I would like that. I would like that very much.”

  * * *

  “Good morning, Buddy,” Jenna greeted as Buddy came into the house the following morning.

  “Good morning, Jenna.”

  Abbie glanced up from the pan where she was scrambling eggs and looked from one of them to the other.

  “What?” Buddy asked. “Can’t friends wish each other a good morning?”

  “Jah. Sure,” she said, then went back to her eggs. “And the two of you are friends again.”

  “We’ve never not been friends,” Buddy said.

  Abbie shook her head, as if the words were a bit confusing.

  But Jenna understood them, and they made her heart beat a little faster. “We’ve always been friends?”

  “Just because I was mad at you didn’t mean I stopped liking you.”

  She didn’t know why that would make her feel all warm inside but it did. “Thank you, Buddy.”

  “You’re welcome.” He smiled and there it was again.

  “I didn’t stop liking you just because I was mad at you either.”

  “I’m glad.”

  “All right, you two.” Abbie spooned the eggs into a serving bowl and handed them to Jenna. “You put these on the table and, Buddy, you go get Titus. It’s time to eat.”

  * * *

  “So,” Abbie said a little later while Jenna helped weed the garden. The twins were inside with their grandparents, leaving them time to work outside. Jenna loved taking care of the babies, but it was good to get outside and have a little time to “dig in the dirt,” as her mammi liked to call it. “You and Buddy.”

  Jenna sat back and wiped the back of her arm against her forehead. “We’re friends again.”

  “I thought you were more than friends before.”

  “I don’t know,” she said. “We were, I guess, but I’m happy with him as my friend.”

  “So that’s more important.”

  “I haven’t had many friends in my life. A few. Before the accident. But not many now.”

  “What about me?” Abbie asked. She sat back on her heels and watched Jenna over the tops of the cucumber plants. “I’m your friend, right?”

  “Of course.”

  “And Titus?”

  “Jah. I guess.” She hadn’t really thought about it. Or maybe it was strange to her because she’d never considered a man her friend before. Not counting Buddy.

  “And my mamm?”

  “I love Priscilla.”

  “And my dat?”

  Jenna made a face. “He’s kind of grumpy.”

  Abbie laughed. “Fair enough, but could you count on him if you needed something?”

  “I suppose. Jah.”

  “That’s four friends right there.”

  “I can count.” Jenna didn’t like how defensive she sounded, but the words were spoken before she could stop them. “I’m sorry. Jah. That’s four friends.”

  “Just wondering.” Abbie smiled and ducked back behind the row of plants.

  “Was this supposed to be one of those life-lesson talks, and I was supposed to learn something from this?”

  “I guess that’s up to you.”

  * * *

  “So I hear that you and Jenna are back talking to each other.” Titus handed the board to Buddy, then showed him how to hold it in place while he nailed it up.

  “We’re friends.” Buddy took the hammer and nailed one more into the board.

  “Just friends?”

  “I like having her as a friend.” He tested the board to see how loose it was and if it needed another nail. “One more,” he said, and held out a hand for another nail.

  He didn’t say it to Titus, but he more than liked having her for a friend. Those few days that they hadn’t been talking were some of the longest and the saddest in his life.

  Sure, he had still been on a camel farm, living in his own room, and working for a living like every other Amish man his age. But he had been sad. In such a small amount of time she had come to mean a lot to him. More than he had realized at the beginning. Once he lost her, it was terrible. Now having her back was so wonderful that he wanted whatever he could have of her. She wanted to be friends. They would be friends.

  Titus handed him the nail. “But before, you two were more than friends, right? You went on dates, jah?”

  “Jah, but that didn’t work out.” His brothers always told him that things like that would happen in life. The main thing was that he an
d Jenna had at least decided to be friends.

  His brother Jonah and Lorie, his one-time girlfriend, were still friends, though she had gone off to live with the Englisch. Even married an Englisch man. But her life was more complicated than Buddy and Jenna’s, and her decisions different. But they were still friends. That had to count for something.

  “Is that okay? Just to be friends?”

  “I think so, jah.” They moved a little ways down the wooden fence, testing the boards. Camels were strong animals, bigger than cows and bulls, taller at least, and the fences had to be checked regularly.

  “You don’t sound completely sure,” Titus mused.

  Buddy shrugged. Maybe he wasn’t sure.

  “If Abbie came up to me and told me that she wanted to only be friends . . .” Titus shook his head and whistled through his teeth.

  Buddy laughed and shook his head. “That’s not the same. You and Abbie have babies together.”

  “We haven’t always.”

  “I know that.”

  “Just sayin’ . . .”

  “What?” Buddy knew there was something Titus was trying to tell him. But he wasn’t understanding it all.

  “The two of you won’t ever have a baby if you let her keep you in the friend zone.”

  “Friend zone?” Those were two words he’d never heard used together before, and he had no idea what they meant.

  “It means . . . she keeps you at a distance so you can’t be more than friends.”

  Buddy dropped his hammer and scratched his head under the edge of his hat. “But being friends is good, jah?”

  “Sure.” Titus nodded. “The main thing is that you’re happy.”

  * * *

  More than friends.

  How could he think about that, when they had only gone back to being friends that very morning?

  Friends. That was good. And he should be happy with it. He was happy with it. But maybe there would be a time when the two of them could move past it, but for now . . . it should be enough.

  He rolled over in his bed and punched at his pillow. At the foot of his bed, PJ jumped to his feet and hopped down from the bed, returning when he felt Buddy had settled back into a comfortable position.