Playing For Love

by Dana Burkey

  “Fi, what- I mean-you-” he stammered.

  I open my mouth to say something but knew it was too late. Jordan didn't kiss me back. He didn't even kiss me back a little. Instead, he was putting distance between us and was having a hard time even understand what was going on! I could feel tears welling up in my eyes and knew I needed to leave before things got even worse. So, I turned and ran towards the fire. I knew that Jordan could follow me, but I also knew that I could run faster than him if I needed to. Our soccer practices together taught me that much.

  “Fiona, wait!” he called out, but didn't chase me.

  I glanced over my shoulder once as I was getting closer to the fire and saw that Jordan was just standing in place watching me with one hand pressed to his lips. Was he trying to rub away the feel of my lips on his? Was he trying to understand why I'd try something like when I was nothing but a “little sister” to him? The questions were swirling around in my head, and made me almost run right into Ross.

  “There you are,” he said with a smile. “I didn’t know you and Beth walked here, so I was really confused when I got ready to leave the house.”

  “Oh yeah, we figured we'd help set up,” I managed to say, blinking my eyes to get the tears under control. Up until that point, they were still all staying in my eyes.

  “Are you okay?” he asked clearly aware that something was wrong.

  “Just cold,” I shrugged. I’m going to go grab some hot cocoa,” I said, then turned and walked away before he could say or ask anything else.

  But I didn’t get hot cocoa. Instead, I went inside and stood there in the bathroom with the door locked, staring at myself in the mirror. Seeing myself, looking so cute yet still turned down by Jordan, the tears finally started! I cried for a good 5 minutes before someone knocked on the door. Then, I knew I needed to think fast. Wiping my tears with the back of my sweater sleeves I tried to make it look like I wasn't crying and opened the door. But, soon as I saw it was Beth and Corra, the tears started again.

  Beth led me to what had to be Trey’s room and we sat for a few minutes to talk about everything. I told them how stupid I felt and they listened and hugged me. It was hard to say it all out loud so soon after it happened, but I knew they needed to know everything. They just listened to it all and told me how shocked they were. Corra had assured me that everyone thought that Jordan liked me, so I wasn't crazy for thinking that kissing him was going to be a good idea. Although, they were both a little shocked that I was the one to make the first move and all!

  “Are you guys okay?” Torri asked, knocking on the door then entering when Beth told her to come in.

  As soon as she saw me she sat down next to me and gave me a big hug. Since she was there for the shopping trip, she knew that tonight I was hoping to make things official with Jordan, and I’m certain my tears showed her it didn't work out. Once she'd let me cry on her shoulder for a little, she gave me news I wasn't expecting.

  “I had a feeling something was wrong,” she said slowly. “Jordan was looking for you, and then after a little bit he just left. He said he was feeling really cold and was worried he wasn’t totally better from his flu. But since I didn’t see you, I had a feeling it was something else.”

  I was shocked to hear that Jordan had left, but was also glad that Torri had taken the time to come and find me. I filled her in on everything, and she was just as shocked as Corra and Beth. Not just shocked that I decided to kiss Jordan mind you, but also shocked that he didn't kiss me back! Hearing it from her as well made me feel a little better, but at the same time worse. How were we all so wrong?

  We stayed in Trey’s room for a while so I could calm down even more. Then, once I was able to hold it together a little more, we went back to the fire. All the crying made me pretty tired, so I used that as an excuse if anyone asked me if I was okay. I had a feeling some of the girls on the team might start figuring out the real reason soon enough, but it was nice for a little while there to keep it between me, Beth, Corra, Torri, and of course Jordan. I figured the longer less people knew, the longer I could go without feeling like a total idiot!

  Eventually, Corra and Torri decided to walk me home. Beth tried to come to, but I didn’t want her to miss out on spending time with Trey at his party. So, reluctantly, she said goodbye to me before I headed out. Both Corra and Torri ended up spending the night at my house. They figured it would be nice for me to have people around to chat with and distract me. Or people to cry with. In the end, I was actually pretty tired when I got home and we went to sleep not long after we arrived.

  And now today I'm just at home. I did all my homework, painted my nails with a really hard design I learned on Pinterest, and then cleaned by whole room top to bottom. I think next I'm going to run on the treadmill just so I have something to focus on. Hopefully, it 'l also keep me from wanting to cry. I just feel like such an idiot right now, and I don’t know what I'm going to do at school on Monday! I mean, what am I going to say to Jordan? Will he even want to ride in the same car with me? Hopefully, I can figure out a way to convince my mom to homeschool me between now and then so I can skip everything all together. Crazy, I know, but I can’t think of any other way to not look like a total loser when I see Jordan next.

  NOVEMBER 9TH-SUNDAY

  I have a lot I need to write down, but hopefully I can do so without getting it all mixed up and confusing. First of all, Jordan started texting me last night. At first it was just “hey” and “how are you” and things like that. But then, when I didn't say anything back, he texted me and said, “Do you think we can chat?” I was confused and shocked by that one so I finally wrote back. I told him "I don’t know", so then he started talking about random things. Like, honestly. He was talking about a movie he saw on TV that was from the 80’s and was really funny. Then he starting talking about whether or not is was a good idea to buy Ross a fuzzy wheel cover he saw at the mall as a joke. It was kind of weird, but I guess in way smart since it got me actually talking to him. I was okay with the casual conversation, and tried to stay calm and text with him like we were just two friends chatting.

  This morning he started texting me about how much he likes French toast, but that waffles are better. I prefer pancakes, so I let him know that and we had a funny conversation back and forth about breakfast food. But then, out of what felt like nowhere, Jordan asked me “Do you want to go for a run today?” I had to read the text 5 times before I could believe that it was real. I told him I wasn't sure so he send this:

  “I thought it would be a good day to start my basketball training. We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to, but I'd really like to have you as my running buddy right about now.”

  I wanted to call Beth or Corra or Torri and ask them what I should do, but when I thought about it, I realized I really wanted to go. I wanted to go running with him just to be with him. I know it sounds odd, but I figured it would help us be friends and stuff and that was a good thing, right? Not like friends so that I could make him see I should be his girlfriend, but just friends. It would keep things at school from being too weird and painful all the time. So, I told him okay and he told me he planned on stopping by around 2 o’clock so we could go from there.

  When we decided on the time, it gave me almost 3 hours to get ready. So, I actually went for a run on the treadmill since last night it helped me clear my head. It was kind of weird to go on a run to help get ready for a run, but I didn’t really think too much of it. Anything to keep me calm at that point was a good idea. When I was done I put on a little bit of makeup to try and cover up any signs that I had been crying, then sat on the porch to wait for Jordan. For some reason, I didn’t want him coming inside or seeing Ross since I was convinced as soon as Ross saw him and me together he'd know something was different or weird or whatever. So, when Jordan pulled up in his dad's truck and got out, I gave him a quick wave, then started jogging down the street! Honestly, I just started going before he even suggested where we should go.


  We ran in silence for a while. It was a slow enough pace that we weren't breathing too hard, but it was clear that neither of us knew quite what to say. Then, when Jordan finally did talk to me, it was just directions. He would tell me we should take a left, or cut through a field, or sometimes he would look at an app on his phone and let me know how far we'd gone. And that was it. For about 4 miles. Thanks to the random route we were taking, when we reached mile 4 we were at Moore Park, where we first waiting for the Fan Bus what felt like a lifetime ago.

  “Want to sit?” Jordan asked, pointing to a park bench. Neither of us had brought water, so I knew sitting to rest was a good idea.

  So, we sat. In silence. We were breathing pretty hard for a while thanks to the distance we'd just run, but other than that there was no noise between us. It was almost comforting to know that he was possibly just as confused by everything as I was. Or at least I thought so until he turned to me and finally spoke about something other than where we were running.

  “I made a mistake Fiona,” he said with a sigh.

  “Did we run farther?” I asked, my elevated heart rate telling me it might have been closer to 5 miles instead of 4.

  “I don’t think so,” Jordan shrugged. “But I don’t mean about today. I mean about last night. And before that.”

  I wanted to scream right then. I wanted to cry and tell Jordan that he was mean. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't fair for him to just ask me to hang out and then rub it in my face that he didn't like me. But I didn’t do those things. Instead, I sat and looked at him with confusion, since I didn’t really know what he was saying yet. My emotions were threatening to boil over, but I was doing my best to keep them at bay for a little longer.

  “I don’t know when, but somewhere along the line I made you think I liked you,” Jordan began. I struggled not to respond. “When you kissed me last night I was shocked. It came out of nowhere and I was super confused and just...well….confused. But then I started thinking about it. And it was me. I did something and you thought I liked you.”

  When I opened my mouth to speak then, Jordan stopped me, and instead kept going. I was mad for a second, but his words helped my anger turn to something else entirely.

  “So when I got home last night I started thinking about it,” he continued. “I thought about the last few weeks. And I realized that I don’t treat you the same anymore. See, I used to see you how Ross saw you. He'd make fun of you since you were his little sister, and so I saw you like that too. I saw you as this annoying little kid. But then you got hurt and things changed.

  “You broke your nose and then all of a sudden you weren’t just this annoying kid, you were this person Ross really cared about. And then it was like I cared too. I wanted you to be okay and I wanted to help you to be good at soccer even after you got hurt. But most of all I wanted to be your friend, the way you were with Ross. It was like, as his friend I had to be close with you too, or it'd make him and I not as close. It’s weird, I know, but I think that’s what happened.”

  He paused to run his fingers through his hair, and it was then that I noticed that he wasn't really making eye contact with me as much. He was looking at the ground or off in the distance, but it was like looking at me was too much right then. I tried not to worry about it, and instead just focused on what he was saying.

  “But then I thought about it again,” he went on. “I started thinking about Homecoming. At the dance, I didn’t like that Taylor was flirting with me. It was wrong for her to do that when she was friends with you. I didn’t realize it, but it was like I knew you liked me and I wasn't okay with her acting like that. And then I thought about all the times we had at football games and at the movies and the soccer practices. That wasn't stuff I just do. It was different.

  “It was like, I was treating you like my girlfriend, but there was no commitment. I didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone since I want to focus on school this year, but it was like with you all of a sudden I didn’t have to be in a relationship and I could still have someone to text with, or hang out with, or even flirt when I wanted to.”

  I think my jaw dropped at that one! He basically admitted to flirting with me. The only thing that helped me from freaking out was that he was still talking, although he hadn't exactly said anything to make me feel much better. Sure, he was explaining things, but the future was still looking bleak.

  “And honestly, it made sense that I would flirt with you.” He kind of shrugged like it was a no brainer there. “You're like a whole new Fi this year. You have all this school spirit and you look way more grown up, and there's been a few times lately where you looked down right beautiful. But I still just saw you as the same old Fiona too. Only I didn’t treat you the same, so it was kind of crazy. It was like, I was leading you on but didn’t see it that way since I didn’t want anything to be too serious. But then last night happened.”

  “I’m sorry Jordan,” I said, feeling like I needed to say at least that much.

  “Wait,” he replied, finally looking me in the eyes with a hint of a smile. “I need to say this.” When I nodded he continued. “When you kissed me it was wrong. I kind of freaked out. I mean, I always told myself you were just ‘little Mealing,’ but then there you were looking really nice and actually kissing me. And it messed with my head. It messed with me because people you think of as a sister or friend shouldn’t just kiss you. And it messed with me since I wasn't looking for a relationship.”

  He paused again, this time still not breaking eye contact. “But it shocked me and messed with me the most because for a second there I really liked it.”

  I think I actually stopped breathing for a few minutes there. Had he really just said that? That he liked kissing me? But he said for only a second, so I tried not to get my hopes up. Instead, I sat there staring at him, not sure what to say or do, and waited.

  “And then ever since then,” he finally continued. “Ever since then it’s all I can think about. Even when I’m trying to do homework or watch a movie or sleep at night, I just keep thinking about it. Over and over.”

  Jordan reached out and took my hands then. They were lying limply in my lap, so when he took them I was startled for a second. But then, after glancing at his hands around mine, I looked back into his eyes and could tell there was suddenly something much different about the way he was looking at me.

  “I need to try something,” Jordan said, taking a deep breath. “And I’m sorry ahead of time, just in case. But I have to know if what I felt was real or just me missing how it all feels.”

  Before I could even process his words, Jordan leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. My eyes were open, looking at him until I finally closed them and gave into the moment. I allowed myself to just be kissed by him, and to return the kiss as best I could. I thought he would pull back, but instead Jordan let go of one of my hands and used it to hold the back of my head. It allowed me to get a little closer to him, and feel the kiss all over. It was like electricity was coursing through my whole body and it was heating me up instantly. Running had made me warm, but this was something different. This was a burning heat that made my heart feel like it was trying to beat while it was actually on fire or underwater or something!

  When Jordan finally pulled back, he still held on to me. I was thankful for that since I felt like my head was spinning and breathing was practically impossible. I didn’t want to open my eyes and accept that the moment was over, but I knew I needed to see Jordan. I needed to see his face and find out what he was thinking or what he going to say next. So slowly, very slowly, I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was looking at me with a look I'd never seen from him before. There was concern there, but also something else. Time seemed to slow down while I waited for him to finally speak.

  “Okay,” he finally breathed. “That was real.”

  “Real?” I asked, not understand him at all.

  “I’m an idiot,” he said with a laugh and shake of his head. It m
ade me more confused and a little bit mad until he decided to explain. “It look your kiss for me to see what was right in front of me the whole time, and that proved it.”

  “Jordan, what are you talking about?”

  “Fiona, I don’t know when it happened exactly, but somewhere along the line while I was making you think I liked you, I started to actually like you.” His words were rushed, but more sincere than anything I'd ever heard him say before. “I started to fall for you without even knowing it, and now I don’t really know what to do. Two days ago you were just Fiona. Plain and simple. But then when you kissed me it’s like I suddenly realized what an idiot I was for almost missing a chance to actually be with you. But I don’t want to miss that chance. I want to be able to kiss you, and flirt with you, and talk to you and have it all mean something. And I know I’ve been a real jerk, but if you'll give me a second chance I want to make things right. I want to show you that I really care about you and that you are so much more to me than just my best friends little sister.”

  “So you’re saying you…” I began, my voice a whisper.

  “I want you to be my girlfriend,” Jordan said simply.

  It was in that moment that everything seemed to happen at once. I was suddenly aware of what Jordan was saying, but I was also thinking over the last few months. My mind flipped through all the moment I had enjoyed with Jordan, and the way he always seemed to be acting like he liked me and then also like he didn’t. Hearing him say what was going on made it all click. It was like a light bulb went off! He finally understood what he'd been doing, and it made everything clear for me now too. I understood why there were moments of frustration and confusion along the way. And honestly in that moment, I don’t know that I would've change anything at all!

  “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that,” I said with a smile. I felt a little silly saying it out loud, but at the same time if he could tell me all the truth he had just spilled, I could admit that my crush on him was nothing new.