Five First Dates

by Erin McCarthy

  A million thoughts were running through my head. I wanted to just enjoy Maddox and our time together. But I didn’t trust myself to know what was best for me and that scared the absolute shit out of me.

  Sully started to fuss and Maddox jerked awake but just briefly.

  Hoping the baby would fall back asleep I stayed still. But his cry wound up and became more urgent, so I got up and brought him to bed. I sat up and let him latch on. Despite the noise, Maddox had fallen back asleep and I stared at his dark hair, his tattooed arms.

  Then I looked at my son.

  I was either making the best decision or the worst mistake of my life.

  In a way, it felt like both.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Maddox had left on the bus for Stroudsburg and I was freaking out. I called Isla. “Are you hungover?” I asked as a greeting.

  “What? No. I didn’t actually drink that much last night. Why?”

  “I don’t want you crankier than you normally are when I tell you something.”

  She sighed. “Please don’t tell me you’re pregnant.”

  “What?” The thought hadn’t actually occurred to me. We’d been cautious but it wasn’t impossible. Great. Now I had a whole new fear. “No. I’m not pregnant. Not that I know of.” I was sitting on the couch feeding Sully. “Maddox told me he loves me and I said it back.”

  “Oh, Jesus. Well, okay, so… now what?”

  “I don’t know, that’s the problem. But I do know I can’t go out on a date with the guy you picked out for me.”

  “That’s good to hear because I never actually did that.”

  That caught me off guard. “What? Why not? I thought you said you know some guy from work.”

  “To be honest, I thought you would wind up in a relationship with the very first date. That’s how you’re built.”

  “I don’t even know what to say to that.”

  “Because it’s true.”

  “I don’t know what’s true anymore.” I propped my phone on my shoulder and switched Sully from one breast to the other. Motherhood had taught me to be a great multitasker. Which proved to be even more necessary when my door buzzed. “Hang on, someone is buzzing my door. It’s probably meant for one of my neighbors.”

  We had a camera feature and an app that allowed us to see who was at the door and to unlock it for them if they were legit. When I saw who was at the door, I dropped the phone. I scrambled to pick it back up and stared at the screen. Yep. It was Adam. Sully’s father.

  I put the phone back to my ear. “Isla, I have to go.”

  “Why? What’s wrong?”

  She could obviously hear the panic in my voice.

  “Adam is at my door.”

  “Asshole Adam?”

  “Yes.” I pulled Sully off my breast, even though he mildly complained. I raised him to my shoulder, feeling sick to my stomach.

  “Savannah, don’t answer the door. Have Maddox talk to him. I’m serious. That guy is a loose cannon.”

  I hesitated. I wanted to know what the hell he wanted but she was right. “Maddox isn’t here.”

  “Then don’t answer the door. He shouldn’t just show up on your doorstep. That’s not cool.”

  I took a deep breath. She was right. The buzzer went off again. “Let me call you back. I promise I won’t let him in.”

  “Savannah, don’t—”

  I ended the call and used the intercom feature on the app. “What are you doing here, Adam?”

  “I have papers for you to sign. Let me in, Savannah.”

  I hated confrontation and I hated being tough. It wasn’t in my nature. “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. Just leave whatever it is at my door. I’ll buzz you in.”

  Hitting the button, I adjusted my bra and shirt and held Sully tightly to me. I made sure my door was locked as I heard him bounding up the flight of stairs.

  The knock made me jump.

  “Savannah, open the door. I just want to talk to you.”

  He didn’t sound angry, but I was still unnerved. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  Sully was starting to fuss, having been cut short from his breakfast.

  “Is that my son?” he asked. The knocking came again, and it was more like pounding this time. “Savannah. Open the fucking door. Please.”

  Part of me wished Maddox was there. The other part of me was glad he wasn’t. I didn’t need a confrontation between the two of them. Besides, I wanted to be the one to handle the situation. Isla was calling me but I didn’t answer. I wasn’t sure what was the right thing to do, but I had to do something. Process of elimination led me to the conclusion my best option was to make plans to talk to him on my terms.

  “Adam, if you want, I can meet you at the coffee shop in a few hours, but I can’t open this door.” There was no way in hell I was jeopardizing Sully’s safety. Not happening. He could bang on that door all damn day. “Now you should leave before the neighbors call the cops on you. I’ll text you a time.” After I found a sitter for the baby.

  He swore but he did say, “Fine. I’ll see you later, then.”

  “Yes.” I wanted to walk a fine line between being polite so he didn’t flip out and not being nicer than he deserved. The sound of his voice, which I had once thought was so charming, made my stomach turn.

  I waited until it sounded like he’d gone down the stairs before going to the door and looking out the peephole. The hallway appeared to be empty. I sagged against the metal door. I checked the camera downstairs and saw him leave.

  Then I called Isla back as I opened the door to retrieve whatever he’d left. I juggled Sully on my hip.

  “What the hell happened?”

  “He said he had paperwork to give me. I didn’t let him in. It’s an envelope, kind of thick, but nothing sketchy.”

  “Open it.”

  I shut and locked the door and put Sully down on his mat with a shape-sorter toy.

  It took me a second to pull out the paperwork and scan through it. “It’s some kind of one-time payout to me, then his request to terminate parental rights.”

  “Wow. How do you feel about that?”

  Everything. Nothing. “I honestly don’t know. I told him I’d meet him in a couple of hours. Can you watch Sully for me? Maddox is at his parents’ in Stroudsburg for the day.”

  “I don’t understand why you need to meet him. Just sign the papers and be done with him. I mean he’s basically buying your silence. Giving you money so you’ll never bother him again.”

  “I know.” I swallowed and looked at my son. “I don’t know if that’s better or worse than the guy who is in and out of a child’s life.”

  “I don’t either.” She sighed. “Fine. I can watch Sully but only for an hour. I have to be at the restaurant at three today and you know what Saturday is like this time of year. I can’t be late.”

  “I promise.”

  “Please be careful. Meet him in public and maybe take some pepper spray with you.”

  That made me roll my eyes. “He’s not going to attack me.” I didn’t think. “He didn’t even sound angry.”

  Though he did refer to Sullivan as his son and that worried me. I hadn’t even realized he knew whether I’d had a boy or girl.

  “I’ll see you in half an hour, give or take forty minutes depending on how the train is running.”

  “Thanks, you’re the best.”

  “I would never let anything happen to you, you know that right?” she said. “You’re my best friend and I’m a bulldog to your Pomeranian.”

  I did. My heart warmed. “I know. Though I’ve always pictured myself more as an Irish setter. Glamorous, with great hair.”

  She laughed. “How do you picture me?”

  “Bulldog sounds right,” I joked.

  “Bitch.”

  “I love you, Isla.”

  “Whatever.”

  * * *

  Lillian was hanging on my back, her favorite position, while I popped sugared walnuts
into my mouth. Occasionally I would drop down so that Lil almost fell and she would squeal with laughter. I’d missed my family and I was glad to be home, even though the timing sucked. I had wanted nothing more than to spend the entire day loving on Savannah.

  I love you, too.

  Those words had come out of her mouth. Savannah Prescott had said she loved me and the whole world was bright and shiny and new and fucking perfect.

  I’d never been happier and nothing could wreck my mood.

  “Lillian, give me a minute with your brother,” my mother said, coming over to the buffet table where I was hunkered down.

  “I don’t want to leave,” Lillian complained.

  “Go,” my mother said in that voice that meant business. She pointed to the other side of the room.

  Lillian jumped down off of me and ran off. I had the distinct impression I was in trouble. Which shouldn’t scare me at my age but did make me uneasy. I loved my mother too much to not care if she was pissed at me.

  “Are you enjoying your birthday?” I asked. “You look great, by the way.”

  She crossed her arms and gave me a suspicious look. She had her hair curled and full makeup on. Despite it being lunchtime she was wearing super tight jeans and boots that went over her knees. Her nails were painted black and her sweater did a plunge that I’m sure Mike appreciated but I could do without. But that was my mother.

  “Don’t be sarcastic,” she said. “I know you don’t like the way I dress.”

  “I was not being sarcastic. I really mean you look great. How you dress is your business,” I said, sincerely. “It’s not that I don’t like it. I just never enjoyed being out in public with you when I was nineteen and having people think we were a couple.” Most awkward thing ever.

  She laughed. “Trust me, I didn’t enjoy that either. The older we both get the odder our age difference seems. When I was eighteen and you were three, it all seemed natural and normal. But now you’re a grown man and I’m not even forty. It’s bizarre.”

  “Especially given how mature I am,” I joked, reaching for another nut. “These things are like candy, by the way.”

  “Don’t talk about nuts. I’m mad at you,” she said.

  There it was. I had known she was giving off a vibe. “What did I do?”

  “You used to tell me things, Weirdo.” Her expression was wounded.

  I was used to the nickname. She’d been calling me that as long as I could remember, but in recent years she only used it when she was upset or angry. “I tell you things.”

  “Then why haven’t you told me about her.”

  Alarm bells went off. Who knew about Savannah? The show hadn’t aired yet and there weren’t even clips online yet. Had someone put something on social media? That seemed farfetched.

  “About who?” I asked, proceeding with caution.

  “Whoever it is that you’re in love with, because it’s obvious to me, your mother, that you’re in love. It’s written all over your face.”

  The problem was I didn’t think I could lie to my mother. I could evade, be vague, but I didn’t think I could flat-out lie.

  “I can’t talk about it yet because it just happened,” I said. “I don’t want to get ahead of myself. But yes, I am in love.”

  She studied me. “Is it a girl at work?”

  I didn’t react.

  “Someone you met online?”

  I just stared at her.

  “Is it Savannah?”

  I didn’t react at all.

  Or so I thought.

  But her eyes widened. “Holy shit, it’s Savannah.” She darted her gaze around the room full of people and lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Are you sleeping with her?”

  “Mom…” I rubbed my jaw.

  “Oh my God, you are. You’re nailing Savannah, holy shit. I knew a guy and a girl couldn’t live together without getting naked. Didn’t I tell you that?”

  “You literally never told me that. Ever.” My mother looked downright gleeful.

  “Well, it’s true,” she said.

  “I don’t want to talk about anything right now. I don’t know if she would want people to know.”

  She started smiling. She tried to stop herself, pursing her lips, but she couldn’t restrain her grin. “Look at you, getting the older woman. I’m impressed.”

  “Stop. I’m serious.” The whole conversation was making me uncomfortable.

  “You’re dating an older woman?” Mike asked as he came over to snag a jalapeño popper off the table. “Way to go, kid.”

  “We’re not supposed to know,” my mother said. “So don’t tease him.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “It’s Savannah Prescott,” she blurted out.

  “Mom!” I gave her an exasperated look.

  “What? I don’t keep secrets from my husband.”

  “That is the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard,” Mike said. “But nice attempt at a cover-up.” He eyed me. “Is it true?”

  “Yes, it’s true. But I don’t have her permission to be telling all of Stroudsburg, so everyone just keep it on the DL. It’s not a secret, exactly, just not something we all need to be talking about or spreading around. Steve doesn’t even know and he’s in the next freaking room.” My best friend had come over to say happy birthday to my mother and hang out with me for a couple hours.

  “Lock her in, kid. Otherwise your mother can’t be trusted.”

  She smacked his arm. “Way to have my back, asshole.”

  Mike kissed her cheek and smacked her butt loudly. “I have your back.”

  “Gross,” was Bianca’s opinion as she appeared out of nowhere. “I probably need therapy. You guys are disgusting.”

  “I agree,” I told her. “It’s a miracle we’re not all fucked up.”

  “Maddox, don’t swear in front of your sister. That is what is fucked up.”

  And she didn’t even see the irony of her words.

  “Do you have a problem with me dating someone older?” I asked, because weird or not, my family was important to me.

  “No, of course not. I like Savannah. She was always a nice girl.”

  “You’re dating Savannah?” Bianca asked, chomping on a carrot from the vegetable tray.

  “Does she love you?” my mother demanded.

  “Does who love him?” Steve asked, coming into the room. He stole a carrot out of Bianca’s hand and popped it in his mouth.

  “Hey!” she said, punching him in the arm.

  Great. This was getting dicey. “Mom, when are we getting the cake? I’ve been off sugar and it looks amazing to me.”

  “Cake, cake, cake!” Bianca said, fist-pumping.

  “I’m not ready for the cake, you heathens.”

  “Who is in love?” Steve asked, grabbing another beer out of the cooler on the floor. “What did I miss?”

  “I’m in love with cake,” I said.

  My mother just turned and walked away. She clearly didn’t trust herself not to say something. I breathed a sigh of relief. Close call. I didn’t want to tell Steve until Savannah gave me the green light and I didn’t want to tell him in front of my family. I wanted a man-to-man talk. In a public place. Like a bar, where he had a beer.

  “You need a life if you’re in love with baked goods.” But he gave me a look that indicated he knew full well we weren’t talking about cake.

  My phone chimed in my pocket and I pulled it out. I thought maybe it would be a text from Savannah. Or I was hoping it would be a text from Savannah.

  It was actually a message from her friend Isla.

  Can you call me? Baby daddy showed up and Savannah is meeting him. I’m worried about it.

  That made me frown. “Hey, I have to make a call,” I said to the room at large.

  I walked into the dining room no one ever used and called her. “Hey, I got your message. What does he want?” I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel if he wanted partial custody of Sully. I felt very attached to
that little guy.

  “He has paperwork he wants her to sign that terminates his parental rights. I don’t really understand why he wants to meet her in person to do that. Maybe to try to explain away how much of a prick he is.” Isla sounded bitter.

  I agreed with her assessment of a man who wouldn’t even attempt to see his child at any point. “I don’t understand that either. Where is she meeting him? The lawyer’s office?” That wouldn’t be dangerous in any way.

  “The coffee shop. I’m watching Sully.”

  “Why are you worried? She has told me nothing about him or their relationship.” Which was disconcerting now that I thought about it. We were spending a lot of time together. Why hadn’t she confided in me what was up with her ex?

  “I guess he was fine until the pregnancy. He lost his shit and punched a hole in the wall when she told him. As far as I know, she hasn’t seen him since that day.”

  That did not make me happy. I felt my fists clench. Of all fucking days for me to be gone. It also really bothered me she hadn’t shared any of that with me. “Has she been in touch with you since she left? What time is she meeting him?”

  “I haven’t heard from her but she really just left.”

  “Keep me posted. Thanks for letting me know. I hate that I’m not there.”

  There was a pause, then Isla spoke again in a low voice. “I hope you’re serious about her, Maddox.”

  That made me feel like Savannah had told at least Isla about us. “I’ve never been more serious about anything,” I said honestly. “I’m not some fuck boy.”

  Unfortunately, Steve walked into the room right as I said that.

  “Good,” Isla said. “I’ll call you back.”

  “Bye.” I looked at Steve. “What?”

  “I’m taking off. I wanted to say goodbye. So you’re a fuck boy? Was that your girl dumping you?”

  “Suck my dick.”

  “Sounds like more than she’s doing.”

  I bit my tongue. He did not want to know where his sister’s mouth had been. “Where are you going?”

  “I’m hanging out with Kelsey. College football corn hole tournament thing.”

  Interesting. “You like this girl?”

  He shrugged. “She’s fun. Don’t make more out of it than it is.”