Crushed

by Skyla Madi

  On the plus side, I’m being discharged today. I don’t know what time, but at least I don’t have to spend another night here.

  “She’s right in here,” a woman’s voice floats through the doorway.

  I can’t help the elation in my chest as the thought of seeing Jackson, finally, sends away some of the heavy sadness. He steps through the wide doorframe with a bouquet of roses in his hand. In the other, he holds a plain, light pink gift bag.

  His skin is clean and fresh. The smell of his musky cologne meshes with my pomegranate shampoo and I fill my lungs with it. His white shirt is pressed and stain free, his jeans a nice, dark denim, and his white sneakers squeak once as he approaches my bed.

  “Sorry I wasn’t here sooner.” He hands me the flowers and I take them with eager hands. I press the silky petals to my face and inhale. “I called first thing in the morning, but they told me you went in for the surgery, so I went to the mall to get you a few things.”

  “You didn’t have to,” I say, turning to place the roses on the table beside my bed.

  I pull open the top drawer while I’m there and take my ring from its little box.

  “They made me take it off before I went under.”

  Jackson reaches out and plucks it from my grip. “Allow me.”

  I grin, holding out my hand. He slips it on over my knuckle until it rests firmly in place. I try not to think about the zing of nerves that dance along the surface of my skin as the rough pads of his fingers touch me, but it’s overpowering.

  “I hope you don’t mind, but Olivia insisted on visiting. She was at the house this morning, carrying on like a lunatic.”

  Despite myself, I chuckle. “Is she outside?”

  I nod. “And her flowers my make mine look…small.”

  “Oh, Selena.” My attention flicks to my best friend as she rushes through the door. “I’m sorry to barge in like this, but I had to see you.”

  Jackson steps out of the way and leans against the wall as Olivia smooths her hands down her pink blouse and tight, denim skinnys. She climbs onto my bed and wraps her arms around me. It’s nice. It’s so nice.

  “How are you?” she asks, and I hear all the different kinds of sadness, disappointment, and concern in her tone.

  Olivia touches my hair and my face, smoothing me out like she would Chloe.

  “I’m okay,” I say, a small smile curving my lips.

  And I mean it. I am okay. When I woke up after my procedure, I gained clarity. This isn’t the end of my life. I will have plenty of opportunities to hold my own bundle of joy in my arms. And these people here right now are my family. They make me feel loved and, regardless of the situation, it’s hard to feel sad in their presence.

  Not a moment later, Seth squeezes through the door with a grunt and my mouth falls open.

  “What did you do?” I ask, my question drowning in a surprise laugh.

  “Olivia?” Seth groans. “Where am I putting all of this?”

  Flowers. Teddy Bears. Chocolates. It’s like they bought out the entire gift shop. Jackson chuckles as Seth drowns in the goodies.

  “Uh, put the teddies on the bed and the rest on the counter.”

  It turns out, Jackson wasn’t kidding. Her giant bouquet of, well, everything, makes his look quite…understated. Seth asks Jackson for help, and he reaches out and takes the giant cream teddy at the front, plus a handful of balloon strings. Amongst all of the goodies they brought for me, one thing is notably missing.

  “Where’s Chloe?” I ask, glancing over the edge of the bed.

  “Oh.” Olivia props herself up on her elbow. “Seth’s mom is taking her out for breakfast.”

  Seth and Olivia share a quick glance as he fills the surrounding surfaces with gifts. In five minutes, my room is transformed from cold and lonely to vibrant and warm.

  “You don’t have to hide her from me,” I say. “I’m not going to burst into tears at the sight of her.”

  “We know. We just weren’t sure how you’d be feeling this morning, that’s all. We didn’t want to make anything more difficult than I’m sure it already is.”

  “And not to mention, dealing with Chloe in such a confined space where she can’t touch anything would be a damn nightmare.”

  I nod. Fair enough, I suppose.

  Seth and Jackson fall into conversation in the corner of the room while Olivia and I cuddle on the bed. We watch TV until I can no longer stand my stomach being so empty, and Olivia promptly sends the boys out for food. Our conversations are trivial in the beginning, until she touches my hand and feels the ring Jackson gave me.

  “Oh my God.” She shoots up on the bed, taking my hand with her. “When did this happen?”

  “Last night.”

  Her eyes widen, like a kid in a candy store. “And you said?”

  I laugh. “Would I be wearing it if I said no?”

  “I can’t believe it!” Her eyes well. “After that dinner we had…I wasn’t sure what to think about you two.”

  I shrug, taking my hand back. “We worked through it. I mean, we have a lot of things to work on, but we’re happy together, you know?”

  Olivia rests back on my pillows. “What are the plans from here?”

  “We want to travel,” I tell her. “Maybe Jackson will chase a new passion. Maybe I’ll finally find something that I love doing.” I clear my throat. “It all depends on whether or not he wins this fight.”

  “Amelia’s fight?”

  I bristle. “Yeah. That one.”

  “Seth thinks it’s a good idea for Jackson to do it, but I don’t. I don’t trust that woman.”

  “Neither do I, but I don’t want to be the reason Jackson spends the rest of his life slaving away and wondering ‘what if?’”

  Olivia sighs. “I just hope that whatever she promised him is real.”

  “Are you going to the fight?”

  She shrugs. “I kind of want to, but Seth would prefer it if I didn’t.”

  “Well, who’s going to keep me company if you don’t go?”

  She pulls her eyebrows into a frown. “It’s tomorrow night.”

  “And I’m getting discharged today.”

  “Are you sure you’re going to be up for it?”

  I ponder the question. At the moment, my abdomen hurts, but it’s nothing I haven’t experienced before. Like they said, period pain. Besides, I’m more concerned about my emotional state than I am about my physical one. How am I going to do seeing Amelia? How will I handle Jackson’s fight? What if he loses? He didn’t handle his loss too well last time. I recall him ending up at Amelia’s hotel room where she stitched his cut, let him shower, and then proceeded to throw herself at him. The pair shared a kiss—and God knows what else. The thought of seeing them in the same room together turns my stomach. I’m not much of a fighter myself, but every time I see Amelia, I want to crush her underneath the heel of my favorite pair of red bottoms.

  “I’m up for it,” I tell her. “And you’re going to help me pick out an outfit.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Jackson

  Selena is asleep in Olivia’s arms when Seth and I return with two monstrous burger meals for the girls. It doesn’t take long for Selena’s unconscious state to recognize the smell of food from the outside world and her eyes shoot open.

  “That smells so good.” She groans, arching her back to stretch.

  Olivia sighs, pulling her arm out from underneath Selena. “Oh, thank God. My arm is dead.”

  Slipping from the bed, she waves it around the place, desperate to get the blood flowing again. Selena adjusts her bed slowly so she can sit as I place her meal down on the table with wheels and roll it toward the bed.

  “Eat up,” I say, placing the cup next to the brown paper bag.

  “You didn’t get anything?” she asks with an adorable frown.

  “Seth and I had gluten free grilled chicken wraps with no sauce…or cheese.”

  Olivia chuckles at Selena’s grimace. “E
w.”

  “You’ll thank me when you’re feeling in tip-top shape tomorrow,” Seth points out, dropping into the navy recliner. He pulls Olivia onto his lap and she squeaks, dropping a single fry onto the floor. She cuts her eyes at him as he plucks a fry from her little box and bites down on it.

  I glare at him.

  “What? I’m not the one with the fight tomorrow.”

  “Speaking of which,” Olivia chimes in. “Are you nervous?”

  I shrug. “Not really.”

  Except I am.

  I’ve never been so fucking nervous. I’ve never needed to win a fight so badly in my life than I do tomorrow. My future has never depended on a single fight before. Losing it is not an option.

  “He’ll be fine,” Seth says. “Jackson’s the second-best fighter I know.”

  “Let me guess…” Olivia laughs. “You’re the best?”

  He shrugs his broad shoulder with a sly grin. “The shoe fits.”

  I drop onto the edge of Selena’s bed with a snort. “You’re so full of shit.”

  Seth is an exceptional fighter, no doubt, but he has weaknesses, and I know them better than anyone else. Behind me, Selena eats her fries and chuckles along with the rest of us. I can’t help but look over my shoulder at her. It was a good thing to let Seth and Olivia visit her this morning. They’ve brought a spark back to her eyes.

  When Seth and Olivia leave over half an hour later, a nurse enters the room. I pretend to pack and tidy the room as the plump, mature woman asks Selena about pain levels, bleeding amounts, and grief counseling. When the nurse is happy—and Selena declines the crazy strong painkillers they offer her—she gives us permission to go home. Selena changes from her hospital gown into a cute pair of gray sweatpants and a black hoodie and attempts to walk to the car. It doesn’t take long for the same nurse to cut her off and insist she park her ass in the wheelchair. Grinning, I hand her the massive teddy bear and tie the balloons to the handles of the chair.

  As we walk the halls, Selena doesn’t make eye contact with anyone, even though everyone stops to stare at her little wheelchair decorated with balloons and flowers. Occasionally, she mumbles about feeling ridiculous, and the second she sees the front doors, she’s out of the wheelchair and walking on her own two feet, standing as tall as the day I met her. I roll the wheelchair off to the side and un-tie the balloons.

  “I’m happy to wheel you all the way to the car,” I tell her, smiling.

  “And I’m happy to walk.” She saunters closer to me. “I’ll let you hold my hand though, if you want?”

  Without thought, I stuff things under my arms and take her hand in mine. Sighing, she flicks her thumb over my skin and tilts her head back as we step out into the sun. “I feel like I’ve been in there forever.”

  Although it was only overnight, I feel like she’s been gone forever too. I’m not a needy guy. I’ve never been needy, not really, but it’s different with Selena. I want to be with her. Always.

  I can’t wait to get her home. I haven’t slept. I’m running on half a gallon of coffee and an energy drink. If Seth knew I was so sleep deprived before the big fight, he’d insist I skip it. I figured I could catch up on sleep debt with Selena today and tonight, and be ready to kick ass tomorrow. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t try to sleep. I did.

  After spending a few hours at the tattoo parlor, I ended up in her bed, surrounded by blankets and pillows that smelled like her. I thought sleep would come easy after that, but I was too busy thinking about Selena all alone in that hospital, dreading her impending surgery.

  That reminds me…

  We approach my truck and I unlock it. Opening the back door, I stuff all of Selena’s goodies inside, including the giant teddy bear she was holding, and hand her the small pink bag. She’s been eyeing it up since I walked in with it this morning.

  “What do you want me to do with this?”

  I shrug, closing the back door and opening hers. “Open it.”

  Smiling her usual, beautiful smile, Selena climbs into the truck and I close the door behind her. I circle my truck and get behind the wheel.

  “I’m nervous.”

  I glance sideways at her as I put the key in the ignition and turn. “Why?”

  “Because I don’t know what’s in here.”

  “You would if you had a look.”

  “Is it naughty?” A subtle pink hue swells in her cheeks and I can’t help but laugh.

  “It’s a little fucked up that you think I brought sex toys as a gift for someone who underwent a surgical procedure vaginally, don’t you think?”

  “I don’t know.” Selena dips her shoulders with a snort. “You have some pretty unique kinks.”

  I place my hand on her seat and glance over my shoulder as I back out my parking space. “I can assure you I didn’t buy anything inappropriate.” I pause to think. Oh, wait. “Unless you consider an oversized nighty, granny panties, and a box of maxi pads inappropriate, because I did get those for you.”

  “Considerate, but extremely off-putting.” She grimaces and peels open the bag. “You must be taking the piss out of me. I don’t see any of those things in here…”

  “They’re at home,” I say. “What do you see in there?”

  Selena reaches into the bag and removes all of the tissue paper. “It’s a locket…”

  She examines it with a curious gleam in her eyes and I struggle to keep my attention on the road. Laying the glass locket across her thighs, she pulls out the little vials, each filled with a single charm. “And charms.”

  “I only bought a few,” I tell her. “I figured I’d leave you space to fill your locket as we go.”

  She puts the charms in her lap one by one. The boxing glove, the casino chip, the love heart, and, finally, the baby’s foot. Each charm holds sentimental value in some way. The boxing glove is for when we met at Seth’s fight. The casino chip is for all those wild, unforgettable nights we spent in Vegas. The love heart is for the very first time I told her that I loved her, and the baby’s foot…well, for obvious reasons. Selena holds the vial with the baby’s foot between her slender index finger and thumb for longer than I anticipated. I immediately regret the decision to buy it at the sight of the unease on her face. Maybe I shouldn’t have?

  “I didn’t know if you’d want that in your locket…” I clear my throat. “You can use it or you can forget it. Whatever you want.”

  I turn my sights out the windscreen as I exit the hospital’s parking lot.

  Selena exhales and it’s heavy, as if she’s trying to prevent her throat and her voice from building up an emotional shake. “Do you consider what we had a baby? Because they tell me it wasn’t.”

  Her voice cracks at the end and I cringe. The sound hurts me more than any punch ever has. I regret it. I regret ever buying the damn charm.

  “You were pregnant, Selena. It didn’t turn out the way we wanted it to, but it still happened.” I squeeze my wheel in my hands, unsure if I should be saying what I want to say for the sake of her healing. “We lost our baby because a tumor grew in its stead. Sickness or not…we still lost a baby.”

  “I’m glad you feel that way.” She turns to look out the window in silence. Only the sounds of gentle sniffles give away the fact she’s shedding tears. “That’s how I feel too.”

  Selena

  We drive the rest of the way to my place without saying a word. Once, I complained about Jackson never expressing his feelings to me. Now? He’s incredible. It’s like he can open me up and read me like no one else can. The whole time I was in the hospital, they were adamant about convincing us that it wasn’t a baby, and to not even think of it as a pregnancy. On the surface, I may have believed it, but deep down, I didn’t. My body didn’t. It still grieves the sudden emptiness in my womb. I still grieve it. My uterus bleeds for the baby I thought I had. The fact it was a tumor doesn’t make the loss any less real. Does it? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if the pregnancy hormones are
still messing with me. What would Olivia say if I told her that the second I left the hospital my arms felt useless? That, as we exited the parking lot, I couldn’t help but feel like I left something behind? I was “pregnant” for nine weeks. It’s not long enough to know what it feels like to carry the full weight of a baby, and yet I feel twenty pounds lighter than I did yesterday.

  I’m just glad Jackson sees it as a loss too. It makes me feel less…dramatic.

  Once I’m inside my house, I shower until my skin becomes numb and the scalding jets of water no longer sting my flesh. When I get out, I put on the oversized nighty that Jackson actually brought for me and left hanging on the back of the bathroom door. I put on a pair of granny panties and use the sanitary items and even opt for a thin pair of sweatpants underneath.

  When I exit the bathroom, Jackson is half-naked on my bed, sleeping with one hand behind his head and the other slung across his tattooed stomach. I smile to myself at the sight. I guess I wasn’t the only one who didn’t sleep last night. I tiptoe toward the bed and grab the little pink bag at the end of the mattress. In my grip, the paper crinkles loudly and Jackson’s eyes shoot open.

  I grit my teeth with a cringe. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “It’s okay. I wasn’t sleeping,” he says, but his eyes are bloodshot and his lids look like they weigh a million pounds.

  I place the bag higher on the bed and I climb on. “Do you want to help me put this together?”

  He nods, rolling onto his side. “Of course.”

  Jackson’s eyes fall closed for a few seconds before he forces them open. I pick up the glass vial with the little baby charm “If it was viable, do you think it would have been a boy or a girl?”