My Christmas Spirit

by K. C. Wells

  Ollie blinked. “Funny you should ask that. No, not usually. But I was passing by, and I suddenly had the urge to buy chocolate.” He chuckled. “It happens.”

  Yeah. Sure it did. I made a mental note to ask Mike if he’d had anything to do with Ollie’s sudden chocattack. I took another bite of stollen before continuing. “So now what?”

  Ollie straightened. “Now I get back to living. I get the feeling Jay would hate to see me like this.”

  “I know Mike would.”

  Ollie swallowed. “Then that’s what we do,” he said decisively.

  “A… friend has been telling me I should go to a club or a gay bar. Except this is the point where I should explain that I never went to clubs or gay bars even when we were together. So that really would be a step out of my comfort zone.” Maybe that was why Mike had suggested it.

  Ollie laughed. “I met Jay at a gay bar. He was on a stag night, and I was out with friends. Our Saturday nights used to be very different. I say nights—we usually got home around four in the morning.” His eyes lit up. “Hey, there’s an idea.”

  “What is?”

  “Let me help you step out of your comfort zone. Come with me to a gay bar. Just a bar, that’s all.” He was almost pleading with me. “You’d be helping me too. It’s been three years for me. I’d feel better walking into a bar with a friend.” He gazed at me inquiringly. “I hope I’m not overstepping the mark here, but you feel like a friend. The way we met, the way this conversation has gone…”

  I knew exactly what he meant, and I felt the same way. All the same, my heart pounded. Packing up Mike’s stuff was one thing…

  “Tonight.”

  My heart quaked. “Tonight?”

  Ollie nodded. “There’s a drag show on at the Admiral Duncan. That’s in Soho. It’ll be fun.” He locked gazes with me. “Say yes?”

  I forced the word from my mouth before I could reconsider. “Yes.”

  Ollie beamed. “Great. Let’s swap numbers, and we can work out when and where to meet. Just dress casual, and don’t worry about it. We’re just going for a drink, that’s all.”

  Don’t worry? Just a drink?

  Ollie had no idea.

  This was huge.

  Chapter Six

  I peered into the wardrobe, still unsure of what I was going to wear that night. I’d already looked before dinner, but nothing had leaped out at me. Ollie had said casual, and that kind of summed up my wardrobe, but this still felt…

  And that was the crux of it. I wasn’t sure how it felt. I mean, what did I know about him? What had made me say yes?

  “Going somewhere?”

  I whirled around to find Mike leaning against the door jamb. “And you can cut out the innocent act. You know exactly where I’m going. You engineered this, didn’t you?”

  Mike widened his gaze. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “So you weren’t the one who gave Ollie a little push as he passed the supermarket? Him getting the munchies at that precise moment had nothing to do with you? Is that what you’re telling me?”

  Mike raised his hands defensively. “Hey, if he wanted to buy chocolate…”

  Yeah, right. Mike still couldn’t do innocent.

  “And while we’re on the subject of Ollie… let’s discuss him being in that coffee shop, shall we? Because I’m starting to think it wasn’t a coincidence.” I narrowed my gaze.

  Mike straightened, and he placed his hand over his heart. “Ollie being there had nothing to do with me. I swear it.”

  That robbed me of any more arguments I could make. I knew Mike. I knew when he was telling the truth. “Okay,” I said slowly. “I believe you.”

  “But you are going out with him tonight, aren’t you?”

  I stilled. “We’re just going for a drink, that’s all.”

  Mike walked over to me. “It’s okay,” he said softly. “I don’t mind. Not that it would matter if I did. It’s your life, sweetheart. I’m just happy to see you doing something different. I was overjoyed when you went to the coffee shop. I never expected this.” He smiled. “Have a good time.”

  “Are you going to be there?” Mike bit his lip and I glared at him. “Do you have any idea how stressful it is, trying not to give any indication that I’m talking to a dead guy?” Not that I was all that serious.

  Mike chuckled. “Yeah I can see that. So you only want me to appear when you’re alone? Where’s the fun in that? And with that he faded from view.

  I shook my head and went back to my task, still no clearer what I was going to wear.

  How about that black shirt I bought you for your birthday that year? You always look good in that. And your black jeans. Only, wear your thick coat. It's cold out there.

  I laughed. “Good night…Dad.” I had to admit, he had good taste in clothes. Part of me was touched that he cared. But there was still one question unanswered. “Mike? Why did you assault Ollie with your dick?”

  Mike gave a loud snort. Because it was funny.

  “I’m not sure he saw it quite like that.” When no response came, I figured that was all I was going to get on the subject.

  I walked briskly from the Tube station, heading through Chinatown toward Old Compton Street. Blue Christmas lights were strung across the streets in elegant patterns, and in virtually every shop window there stood a Christmas tree. The pavements were full of Saturday night revellers, dressed up for a night out, chatting excitedly as they walked.

  I always loved Christmas lights. And for the first time in a long while, a little of the old excitement bubbled inside me. I’d missed that. Memories of standing in the cold with Mike, both of us stamping our feet to keep warm, waiting for the switch on, when thousands of bulbs would light up the streets, bringing a little joy into our lives.

  I turned onto Old Compton Street, and spotted Ollie standing outside the Admiral Duncan. He wore his jacket and scarf, and his legs were encased in tight jeans. The street was decked out with rainbow flags and colourful lights. I had to smile. There was nothing like a gay Christmas. From inside the pub came the sound of raucous laughter and loud music, its patrons spilling out onto the street, glasses in hand.

  I came to a halt in front of Ollie and gave him a nod. “Well, I made it. I’m here.” Another swell of gruff laughter filled the air, and from inside came the unmistakable voice of whichever drag queen had taken over the mic.

  It was too loud. Too soon.

  Ollie touched my arm lightly. “You’ve changed your mind, haven’t you?” Before I could frame my thoughts, he gave a decisive nod. “Look. We’re here now. That’s a good first step. So let’s make the most of it.” He pointed across the street and I followed his finger. “How about we go in there?”

  Compton’s was a pub, and from its open doors came music and laughter.

  “I’m not sure it’s all that different.”

  Ollie smiled. “No drag queens. Just guys having a drink. And that’s what we’re going to do.” Before I could argue, he grabbed my arm and led me firmly across the street. Once inside, he went straight for the bar, and squeezed himself into a space between two huge guys, who smiled at him. Ollie glanced at me over his shoulder. “Well? What are you drinking?”

  I said the first thing that came to mind. “A rum and coke. Spiced rum, if they have it.”

  Ollie’s eyes sparkled. “A man after my own heart.” He gestured to the rear of the bar. “There are seats back there. See if you can find one.”

  I walked over to the back corner. A padded bench seat lined the curved wall, with small round tables standing at intervals, padded stools surrounding them. When two guys stood up, freeing a space in the corner, I dove in, seizing the opportunity and claiming the seats.

  One of the guys at another table laughed. “Yeah, you have to be quick around here.”

  I took off my scarf and placed it on the seat next to me. Then I took stock of my surroundings. It was a nice enough pub, with a lot of wood panelling, and a simply e
normous chandelier hanging over the middle of the bar. A staircase went up to another level, where guys leaned on the railing, looking down.

  “Hey, nice one.” Ollie placed the two glasses on the table, then shrugged off his jacket and scarf. I quickly shifted my scarf and he sat down, placing his outerwear on his knee. He smiled. “I haven’t been here for a while. Glad to see nothing’s changed. You should be here at Pride. You can’t move in this place.”

  “Do you come here with your friends?”

  “I used to. Not so much now.” Ollie flushed. “Truth is, I sort of became a bit of a loner since Jay died. My friends tried to bring me out of myself, to get me to come for a drink, but I always refused. So I guess after a while they stopped trying and stayed away.”

  I could relate to that. “Same here.” Most of my friends had been Mike’s, and we’d lost touch.

  He cocked his head to one side. “So, you and your guy didn’t do bars?” He bit his lip. “I’m sorry, I can’t remember his name. I think you did say it once.”

  “Mike. And no, we weren’t great frequenters of bars.” I chuckled. “There was a reason for that.” I gestured to the glass of rum and coke in front of me. “That’s probably gonna be me for the night.”

  “Not a big drinker, eh?”

  I laughed. “That’s putting it mildly.”

  But you do remember Dave’s Christmas party? Mike was standing next to the table, legs parted, arms folded, and his dick at attention as always.

  I groaned. You weren’t going to do this, remember?

  “Are you okay?” Ollie frowned.

  I sighed. “I met Mike at a Christmas party. It was probably the single most humiliating experience in my entire life.”

  Ollie chuckled. “I doubt it was that bad.”

  I can give you an action replay. Mike grinned.

  Don’t. You. Fucking. Dare.

  Yeah, right. Of course he dared. Mike hopped up onto the table, his cock bobbing up and down. He held up a hand, as though holding a microphone, while he swivelled his hips. Left a good job in the city…

  Hell no. Stop. Please.

  Mike grinned down at me. Oh, so you do remember.

  “Andy?” Ollie was gazing at me with concern.

  I gave him a reassuring smile. “I first saw Mike at a Christmas party, chatting with some people I didn’t know. He was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I think I spent most of the night staring at him. And drinking.”

  “Just how much drinking?”

  I chuckled. “I think you can guess. Anyway, I overheard him mention how much he loved Tina Turner. So, after finishing my glass of heavily spiked punch, I went over to the guy who was in charge of the music. I slipped him twenty quid to let me use the microphone and to play a specific song.”

  Ollie’s eyes widened. “Oh dear.”

  “Trust me, it was worse than you could possibly imagine. I went into the middle of the room and yelled out, ‘Hey, Mike!’ Of course, everyone was looking at me, but I was that plastered, I didn’t care. All I could think of, was that Mike wanted Tina. Well, he was going to get Tina. I gave a nod to the music guy, and suddenly the air was filled with Proud Mary.”

  Ollie was clearly enjoying the conversation. “I guess this is the point where I ask if you can actually sing.”

  I considered the question. “I sang a perfect duet with Tina. Which translates as, she was amazing as always, and I sounded like a cat caught in a blender.”

  Ollie stifled a laugh. “Oh my. I bet that went down well.”

  “The silence that followed was as awkward as you might have expected. At least, it was until Mike started cheering.”

  “Good for Mike.”

  “My brain finally caught up to what I’d done, and there I was, faced with a sea of people staring at me with… pity, I guess. I’d never been so mortified. I tried to make a run for it, but he stopped me at the door.” I could still remember what followed like it was yesterday. Mike put a hand on my shoulder and leaned in close. “You know, there are easier ways to get my attention.” He ran his thumb along my jawline. “Though I have to admit, none that would be as memorable.”

  “That makes how Jay and I met sound pretty boring in comparison.” Ollie smiled and looked around the bar. “I can almost hear him, you know? He’d be looking at me sitting here and saying, ‘About bloody time.’” He chuckled. “It’s funny how there are times when I hear him so clearly, like he’s actually there. He could be a pushy bastard, always wanting me to step outside my comfort zone. Maybe that’s why I was getting you to do the same.” He gazed at me shyly. “Do you hear Mike sometimes?”

  I tried not to look up to where Mike was still standing on the table. “Sometimes.” I didn’t miss his chuckle though.

  Ollie sipped his drink. “The other day, when I thought I could almost hear Jay telling me I had to do something… it felt so real.” He flushed. “Not that I actually heard him. I’m not hearing voices, okay?”

  I couldn’t resist. “How do you think you’d react, if one day he was there, standing in front of you, talking to you?”

  Mike slowly stepped down from the table. Tell him. His voice was soft.

  Ollie stared at me. “Like… a ghost?”

  I nodded. “Do you believe in ghosts?”

  Ollie studied his glass. “I’m not sure. There have been times when I’ve felt he was close by. When I could smell him. My mind playing tricks on me, I guess. But to actually see him? I mean, how on earth would you react to that?”

  My heart pounded. “At first, you think it’s a dream. You’re convinced you’re gonna wake up any second. And then you realize he really is there, sitting at the foot of the bed.”

  Ollie slowly raised his head. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” He rubbed his arms. “Shit, I’ve got goose bumps.”

  I made up my mind. “I’m saying… Mike came back.”

  Ollie gaped. “You’re… you’re telling the truth, aren’t you?”

  Mike smiled. He’s perceptive, this one. Then he leaned over and blew softly over the top of Ollie’s head, his breath stirring Ollie’s hair. I wanted to give Mike a hard stare for engaging in such theatrics.

  Ollie shivered. “Oh my God. He’s here now, isn’t he?”

  I chuckled. “He certainly is. What’s more, he’s naked. So if another small salami bops you on the head…”

  It wasn’t hard to see when the penny dropped.

  Chapter Seven

  Ollie regarded me with a look of utter amazement. “That… that was Mike?”

  I nodded. Mike just grinned.

  Ollie recovered quickly. “And is this something he does now? Go around bopping guys on the head with his dick?” His lips twitched. “You were a lucky boy, weren’t you? There was some weight to that thing.”

  “Consider yourself ‘torpedoed’, I said, air-quoting. “And yes, before you ask, he gave his dick a name. As far as I know, you’re the only one to receive such treatment.”

  “Should I be flattered?” Ollie’s eyes sparkled with good humour. Then he gave me a speculative glance. “Why has he come back? Did he say?”

  “I think it was to help me move on. He felt I was still hanging onto our life.”

  “Sounds like he was right, from what you’ve said.”

  I had to admit, since I’d started to clear out his things, I felt different. As if a new door had opened for me. I said as much to Ollie.

  “Yeah. I know how you feel.” He looked around almost cautiously. “Is he still here?”

  I met Mike’s gaze. He smiled and did his usual slow fade. “Not anymore,” I assured him.

  Ollie let out a shaky breath. “Wow.” He sagged against the back of the bench. “How many times has he… visited you?” I gave him a rundown of Mike’s appearances. Ollie chuckled when he heard about the guy on the tube. His gaze became thoughtful. “Why choose now? Because it sounds like he’s been watching you for a while.”

  I’d been thinking about that. �
�I think because it’s Christmas. My guess is, he looked at me, remembered how I used to be, and wanted to do something.” I smiled. “When he was alive, we used to do lots of Christmassy stuff. Maybe he wanted to bring that magic back into my life.”

  Ollie nodded slowly. Then he chuckled. “Look at me. I’m coolly sitting here, like someone tells me every day of the week that he’s been seeing a ghost.” He grinned. “Although it does explain that gasp you gave in the coffee shop. You couldn’t exactly tell me what had happened, could you?”

  I snorted. “I can see the conversation now. ‘You just sit riiight there while I make a phone call.’ And then the men in white suits arrive, bringing the straitjacket.”

  Ollie took another drink of his rum and coke. “Okay. You boxed up his things, and you did what he asked. You went to a coffee shop. Is that it, do you think? Is he done?”

  I couldn’t answer. I had no idea.

  “Well, one good thing came of this. Apart from you moving on, of course.” Ollie smiled. “You made a new friend.”

  That much was true.

  We sat in silence for a moment, drinking and listening to the conversations of those around us. What surprised me was that it was a comfortable silence. And in those moments, I came to a decision.

  “Maybe it’s time I rediscovered the magic of Christmas.”

  Ollie regarded me with interest. “Any idea how you’d like to start?”

  I chuckled. “Not a clue.” Except that wasn’t quite true. I wanted to do something I’d never done with Mike. That felt like the right way to go. I didn’t want to relive the past. I wanted to start new traditions for the future.

  “Are you any good on skates?”

  I blinked. “Skates?”

  Ollie nodded. “Ice-skating.”

  I laughed. “Never been ice-skating in my life.” Then I realized where this was leading. “You think I should take it up?”

  Ollie shrugged. “There are a couple of rinks around London this time of year. There’s one near the band stand at Hyde Park Corner. I saw it the other week. It’s been open since November. So I was thinking… why don’t we both go and give it a whirl?” His eyes were bright. “Although I should add at this point, I’ve never skated either. This would be new territory for both of us.” He cocked his head to one side. “What do you think?”