Blue Sky

by D. Bryant Simmons

  “Rehab?”

  Heziah responded with a look of pure impatience.

  “I mean…maybe we could talk to her first. I don’t wanna send her away.”

  “We may not have a choice. She needs help.”

  “I’ll help her. I’m her mama. She had a tough go of it, and she needs some time to adjust. I’ll talk to her, and everything’ll be okay. I promise.”

  Was a silly thing to promise. I ain’t have no control over what Jackie did. Truth be told, I was all talked out.

  The scene downstairs ached of girlhood innocence. So much so that I thought maybe Heziah might rethink what he said. Mya sat in the window seat, like always, her nose between the pages of somebody’s life story. Nat and the twins were on the floor, playing a board game. Jackie mighta been playing with ‘em, but she was concentrating more so on painting Jenna’s toes a bright pink. They were good girls. I silently pleaded with Heziah to remember that.

  “Okay, everyone, your mama and I need to talk to Jackie.”

  “What I do now?”

  “Y’all go on back upstairs.”

  A hearty sigh came from the window seat, and a thud as the book closed. “You told us to come down here. Now we gotta go back upstairs? Make up your mind.”

  “Mya.”

  “What?” She spat, not the least bit shamed by my reprimand.

  She and Jackie must’ve gotten together and decided they was both gonna do their parts to drive us mad.

  “Do as we say.” Heziah’s voice took on the tone he usually reserved for the twins. Full of what my daddy called authority. Ricky’d used it all the time. With me and with them, but Heziah wasn’t Ricky.

  Mya walked right up to us, failing to tame the lion inside her that was dying for a fight.

  “Do I need to repeat myself?” Heziah’s voice didn’t waver an inch.

  “I dunno.” She shrugged. “Do you?”

  “Mya!”

  Everyone stopped. The game stopped being put away. The nail polish wand paused in midair. I’d only ever been embarrassed by my kids one other time.

  “You apologize to Heziah right now.”

  “Sorry,” she said, passing us on her way to the stairs.

  Her sisters were quick to follow after that. They didn’t even wanna look like they were being smart.

  “I don’t know what’s gotten into her,” I heard myself whisper.

  He gritted his teeth and got on with it. The talk. He motioned for Jackie to get up from the floor and sit next to him on the couch. I sat in one of the armchairs off to the side, wondering when Heziah had time to think up what he was saying. I knew more about what Jackie was up to, and I couldn’t have put things as clearly as he did. Suppose I never was good at explaining things. Part of me felt like it would make it worse to hear the words aloud. So, I kept quiet to hide from all the pain they would cause.

  “You wanna send me away.”

  “No, that’s not what I’m saying. I want you to go somewhere where people can help you deal with this—”

  “I-I’ll stop. I won’t do it no more. Okay?”

  I nodded, smiling at her from where I sat, but Heziah kept concentrating on the coffee table. Magazines lay lazily across it, and the bottle of neon pink nail polish sat on the corner.

  “Tell me the last time you drank.” He uttered the words without lifting his gaze.

  Jackie stuttered through her lie then smiled at him sheepishly. She was sure she could stop at any time.

  “I believe her. Heziah? You hear me? This a family matter. We don’t need no strangers butting in.”

  “Belinda—”

  “She said she gone stop. She get it now.”

  Jackie nodded enthusiastically, right on cue. “And I won’t see Darrel any more. I promise. For real this time. I gotta new boyfriend now anyway.”

  Shock, followed by confusion, and finally disgust changed Heziah’s features. It all came clear to him, and he aged a decade right on the spot. “Did you know about this?” he asked me.

  Jackie started to say something, but her mouth fell open as she realized I hadn’t told him what I knew. Her eyes grew large with panic. Filled up with blame. She blamed herself for all of it.

  “I…I was going to tell you,” I said carefully. “I was.”

  “I’m calling the police.”

  “No!” Jackie leapt to her feet, following him to the phone in the kitchen. “Don’t! Please!”

  Heziah stopped with his hand on the receiver. “Did you have sex with this man?”

  “No…”

  “Did he force you?”

  “No.”

  “I don’t believe you.” He lifted the handset to his ear and pressed down on the number nine.

  “Mama! Do something! Stop him! Please.”

  Darrel would never forgive me, I thought as the words slipped out of the policeman’s mouth. The officer was trying to project passivity, keeping his voice at an even tone no matter what my answers were, but it was all an act. Every so often the corner of his mouth would flinch and a spark livened up his eyes. He probably had daughters of his own.

  “It was just sex.”

  “Jackie!” Mama sat in her favorite arm chair, looking horrified. Couldn’t tell if it was because she didn’t want me to say it aloud or if she didn’t want it to be true. She hugged her elbows and shivered, shaking her head slightly.

  Heziah stood next to her. He let his hand drop onto her shoulder and gave it a little squeeze.

  “We only did it once or twice.” I glanced over at them again, thinking the lie would make them feel better. It didn’t.

  “Do you remember the dates?”

  “No.”

  “It’s in her diary,” Mama whispered to the floor.

  “No, it’s not,” I lied with a straight face.

  The policeman nodded and kept on writing his report. He thought I was a victim, like Mama did. That I’d been hurt in some way by Darrel. That tickled me at first, and then it made me mad. Who did she think I was? I wasn’t some poor defenseless puppy. I coulda said no to him. I simply didn’t want to.

  “What’s going to happen now? Are you going to arrest him?” Heziah wanted to know.

  “Right now, we’re investigating.”

  “She told you what he did.” Heziah glared.

  It occurred to me I’d never seen him mad before.

  “He needs to be behind bars.”

  “He didn’t do anything!” I threw my hands in the air.

  “Jackie, be quiet,” was all he said before turning back to the policeman. “Do I need to speak to your supervisor? Because as far as I know, it is against the law for a forty-something man to…to…be with a teenage girl.”

  The cop nodded and rose from his position on the sofa next to me. He didn’t need convincing. He was on their side.

  “It’s procedure to talk to all the parties involved. I’ll be in touch. Oh, and if I could get that diary…”

  “I threw it away.”

  It was Mama’s turn to glare now. “Go get it,” she demanded. Mama never demanded anything. She always asked nicely.

  They didn’t even bother waiting until I left the room before discussing me. Mama apologized to the cop. Again. He took it upon himself to explain girls like me—girls who had been through what I had with Darrel—we sometimes tried to protect our abusers. I rolled my eyes and climbed the stairs. My sisters waited for me at the top.

  “Don’t worry. They’re overreacting. It’s no big deal.”

  I knew abuse. Ricky made sure of that. Because of him I could smelling it in the air. Saw it hidden in the smiles of women on the street. Nobody knew it like I did except for mama. I paused with my most cherished belonging in my hands and considered if there was a resolution I hadn’t thought of before. Darrel wasn’t Ricky. He didn’t deal in fear. Only thing he’d ever inspired in me was lust. Maybe my diary would convince them.

  My sisters lurked in my doorway, watching me.

  “Are you going to jai
l?”

  “No, Nat. I’m not going anywhere.” I smiled. “Everything’s gonna be okay.”

  The officer took my diary and assured my parents once again he’d be in touch. Mama walked him to the door, thanking him for coming by like he was a neighbor who stopped off to loan her some milk.

  I was happy to be rid of the man and expected things to go back to normal now that he was gone, but those pitiful expressions didn’t want to leave their faces.

  “What now? I answered his questions. Gave him my diary. What more you want from me?”

  “Jackie—”

  “You want me to say I’m sorry. Fine. I’m sorry. I won’t ever have sex again.”

  “Don’t say that!” Mama snapped. “You—You too young to know ‘bout that! He…what he did was…he…” She took a deep breath and forced her arms down by her sides, so they were straight as arrows. “He raped you.”

  “No, he didn’t. I’m a big girl. I knew what I was doing. You just don’t wanna accept it. Wanna keep treating me like a child, but I’m not a child no more, Mama. I’m not.”

  “You are! And you not having no more boyfriends!” She played with the syllables of the last word, so I’d know she didn’t actually believe that was an adequate title. “Ain’t none of you gonna have no boyfriends!”

  “Belinda—” Heziah made a move to talk some sense into her, but when Mama got going wasn’t no stopping her.

  “I’m your mama, and it’s my job to protect you. So, I’m saying no. You stay away from these men. And boys. And quit drinking!”

  “Should I become a nun too?”

  Mama looked like she wanted to hit me. She took a few steps forward and bit her lip.

  “Jackie, go upstairs. I think we all need some time to think and calm down. Right, Belinda?”

  Mama didn’t answer. She blinked, exhaling through pursed lips.

  Heziah lifted his head in the direction of the stairs and said, “Go on. We’ll talk more tomorrow.”

  Tomorrow came, but there wasn’t much talking. They were waiting on me downstairs. Said Mya should go on to school without me. Then Heziah told me about this place in Cicero for troubled girls. Said I’d have people to talk to who knew what to say to help me understand things better. The time away would give me some space from the Darrel situation, he said. Mama didn’t say anything. She sat next to him clutching her hands on her lap.

  “But I did what you wanted. I’m sorry I was smart. I take it back.”

  “It’s not a punishment. We’re trying to help you.”

  “Sending me away ain’t helping me! It’s…sending me away. Mama? Mama, please? I’ll be good. I promise.” I knelt down in front of her desperate for her to look at me, but she closed her eyes instead.

  Heziah did all the talking.

  “We’ve already made the arrangements. They’ll be here to pick you up soon.”

  “Don’t make me go. Mama? Please? I don’t…I didn’t mean to…”

  She sniffled and took my hands in hers, sharing my tears. She loved me, sure. Still didn’t stop her from handing me over to strangers.

  “Belinda, talk to me. Please. It’s been two days.” Heziah’s voice cracked like maybe he was coming down with a cold.

  I felt bad for him. Looked like Mama was torturing him good. She’d look at him, sigh, and finally turn her attention elsewhere. It’d been like that all through dinner. Heziah would make a comment—an innocent comment about the weather or something—and look to Mama, hoping some of the ice around her heart would thaw a little. Of course, it didn’t happen. We made it through dinner without anybody saying too much of anything, all of us watching the empty chair where Jackie used to sit.

  “How long you gonna punish me? You don’t think I feel bad enough already?”

  He was trailing Mama around their bedroom while she got ready for bed. Their door was open a crack, but I don’t think either one of them noticed.

  “Hey, look at me.”

  “Don’t you lay a hand on me!”

  “Belinda—”

  “I mean it!”

  Didn’t seem fair. All he’d done was tell the truth. She’d never acted like that with Daddy, and he did a whole lot worse. That’s the way Mama was when it came to Jackie. She threw all the rules out the window.

  “You not supposed to be eavesdropping.” Nat leaned against her doorway, wearing a nightgown that used to belong to Mya. The cotton was so worn it was more like a collection of fuzzy little balls of thread than actual fabric. The yellow stars had faded, and the ruffle hem fell above her ankles. “That’s rude,” she said without the slightest bit of judgment on her face. She was quietly informing me of something I needed to know.

  “I’m not.”

  “You spending the night again?”

  I hadn’t planned on it. I’d planned to tell everybody my big news, but they were all so down I was having second thoughts.

  “You could sleep in Jackie’s room.”

  “You still here?” Mya appeared, wrapped up in her bathrobe, holding a clean washcloth.

  “She’s gonna stay in Jackie’s room.”

  Mya hesitated before pushing open the door to the bathroom. Threw a short glance my way, which wasn’t encouraging in the least, and inhaled through her mouth. She needn’t worry. Not like I thought I could replace Jackie.

  “I’m going home, but I wanted to talk to Mama about something first.”

  She nodded and proceeded to close the bathroom door behind her. She didn’t care about my reasons, but I didn’t take it personally. That’s how Mya was. If it didn’t involve her directly, she didn’t get all worked up over it.

  Nat abruptly stood at attention, her ears pricking up, then just as quickly, she ducked back into her bedroom. A second later Mama was marching toward the bathroom.

  “Mya’s in there.”

  “Oh.”

  I waited for her to ask why I was still hanging around. A few seconds passed, and neither of us said anything.

  “You waiting to go in?” she finally asked.

  “No. Actually, I was waiting for you.”

  “Mmhmm.” Mama’s eyes passed over me from head to toe, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if she wasn’t seeing me at all. She had a lot on her mind.

  “Umm…whatcha think of Jean-Louis? You like him?”

  “Don’t know him.”

  Men didn’t have a good track record with Mama, so I didn’t expect her to be ecstatic at the mere mention of my boyfriend. Plus, given the tension between her and Heziah, I probably shoulda waited, but the wedding was going to be in less than two months.

  “He really liked you.”

  She cut her eyes at me like she could smell the lie on my breath.

  “He was just saying how much he loved visiting with everyone. And the food he liked that too. And he…umm…he loves…me.”

  “Mmhmm.” She shifted her weight to her right hip and crossed her arms under her chest.

  “He’s gonna make a lot of money. He’s gonna be a surgeon, you know. And he would take good care of me.”

  “I ain’t raise you to have some man take care of you. You take care of you.”

  She hadn’t raised me at all, I wanted to say, but I smiled and banished the thought from my mind. Instead I said, “I think Daddy woulda liked him, and Daddy didn’t like hardly anybody,” I said it with a smile so bright, my cheeks started hurting.

  “What you trying to tell me, Nikki?”

  “We…we getting married.”

  Whatever she was feeling before up and evaporated. Sheer panic took its place. Why she’d panicked when she didn’t even know him, I don’t know. Wasn’t like she had some incriminating information to hold against him.

  “Lord, have mercy. Y’all trying to put me in an early grave!” She gasped, shaking her head.

  “Well, this way you don’t have to worry about me no more.”

  “You are not getting married. You are too damn young.”

  “You was my age when yo
u married Daddy.”

  “That’s why I know what I’m talking about! Nikki…” Mama closed her eyes, counting slowly to ten and back again.

  “I’m gonna be nineteen this year.”

  “Don’t be stupid.”

  I nodded as the tears began to trickle down my cheeks. There it was—exactly what she thought of me. She’d never have said that to Mya or Jackie or anybody but me.

  “That boy don’t love you. He wanna own you.”

  Why couldn’t she be happy for me? I was on the verge of living happily ever after. Didn’t I deserve that?

  “Nikki, baby…” She took a step forward but stopped when I took a step back. “You gotta listen to your mama, okay? I know what I’m talking about.”

  “You don’t even know him. You said so, and maybe…maybe you don’t know me either. Maybe you just too bitter.”

  All my life folks been looking at me with expectation. Daddy expecting me to be like him. Mama expecting the same. And the world, they expected me to be right. Do right—whatever that means. If you’re smart, you’re ‘posed to have a huge career and make lots of money. Good at sports? Become a famous athlete.

  None of my sisters had to carry expectations like I did. Nikki thought she did, but that was all in her head. And Jackie did whatever she wanted, telling folks what they wanted to hear along the way. Nat and the twins, well, they got away with being cute and polite.

  So, when coach gave me that look of pure disappointment, a part of me roared up inside, ready to proclaim my right to be free. To be whomever I wanted to be. Even if I didn’t end up being all that I could be.

  “I can talk to your mama if you want. Explain about your potential, and the opportunities you’ll have if you keep running this season.”

  “That’s okay.”

  I’d made up my mind, and Mama’s wishes didn’t have much to do with it. I’d grown tired of track and wasn’t looking forward to softball or volleyball either.

  “Mya.” Coach glanced over my shoulder to the far end of the gym, then slowly drew his gaze back to me. “This about that boy?”

  Ramon was waiting for me on the bleachers.