Blue Sky

by D. Bryant Simmons

  “What?”

  “Your breast. Have you been giving yourself those exams we talked about?”

  His fingers went back to digging into me with a new kinda focus. Pain shot through my underarm, and I almost slapped him for it. Then I remembered who he was—the doctor.

  “Why? What’s wrong?”

  That’s when he smiled. The paper gown rustled all up in my ear as I covered myself up. I ain’t need no degree to know when folks was smiling to cover up bad news.

  “We’re just going to run some tests.” His pen clicked and he began writing in the folder with my name written ‘cross the label. “I found something. Could be nothing. We’ll see,” the smile said.

  Maybe there was folks someplace who had it easy. Folks who wasn’t nothing like me. They woke up with smiles on they faces and nothing but good memories in they heads. When bad stuff happened they thought “Oh no!” instead of sucking they tongues and going “I knew it.” They was probably out there.

  “Hey, where you going, good looking?”

  Sitting ‘round the Christmas tree, singing songs with their kids—who, of course, loved them to death.

  “Can I come?” He was leaning half out the car. Don’t know how the fool managed to be driving in a straight line at the same time. “You too fine to be taking the bus. You gotta man, sweet thang?”

  I was about three blocks from my house, and last thing I wanted was for this idiot to follow me to my door but glaring at him ain’t seem to work.

  “You leave my grandma alone!” Mia barked at the fool in the big brown Oldsmobile. It had rust stains on the doors and around the headlights. Ain’t look too sound. Like maybe it might veer onto the sidewalk if you looked at it the wrong way. “Before you make me mad!” She ran right up to the curb, and I had to grab her by the back of her collar to keep her back.

  “Ignore him, now. He outta his mind. Don’t know what he saying.” I could smell the liquor from ten feet away.

  “Grandma?”

  He howled with laughter, and the car screeched to a stop as his foot slipped from the accelerator to the brake. Only made ‘im rev up the engine to keep up with us.

  “Don’t you have other folks to bother? Go on now! Get!”

  We was coming up on our block, and I was tempted to make a run for it. Then I saw her. All grown up and beautiful. ‘Course she ain’t dress like it, but some things is hard to cover up even with hand-me-downs. She’d been sitting on the porch but was moving toward the gate to meet us.

  “Mommy!” Mia took off running, and Mya scooped her up in her arms. Whispered something in her ear, then placed her gently on her feet.

  “You left me!” Mia’s protest didn’t get much of a reaction from Mya, who was now staring at me. “Mommy! You left me! You said you never leave me! You promised!”

  “I know. But I came back, didn’t I? So, I ain’t really leave you.”

  “Yes, you did. You left me.”

  Mya’s whole body sighed, and she gave in. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t do it again!”

  “I won’t.”

  “You promise?”

  She nodded, patting Mia’s head at the same time. Was like I wasn’t even there, but I ain’t mind. I was seeing something I’d been waiting years to see. I almost started crying right there on the spot.

  “Hey, sweet thing—”

  “Shut up! Go on and leave me be!”

  His raggedy ole car was halfway down the block before I realized I’d gripped my purse strap so tight I coulda whipped it at his passenger window, and it wouldn’t’ve taken nothing but a second. “Crazy folks…”

  Except Mya wasn’t looking at me like she knew what I was talking about. She was thinking I was the crazy one.

  “He been trailing behind us ever since we got off the bus.”

  She just stared. Face hard as stone.

  “Mommy, this my grandma.”

  The corners of her mouth turned up in an almost smirk. It was funny. This lil’ girl introducing me to my own chile. Funny in the heartbreaking kinda way.

  “Where’s Jackie?”

  Wasn’t quite three o’clock yet. Jackie ain’t get outta bed before noon, and she ain’t even think about getting dressed and out the door before four.

  “She should be at home. You ring the bell?”

  Mya nodded and took lil’ Mia by the hand. “I gotta get her stuff. Then we can go.”

  “You ain’t gotta go right now….Could stay a while.”

  I hadn’t seen her in so long the memory I had of her was starting to get fuzzy around the edges, but the real her—the one standing in front of me—she was about too heavy for my heart to take, and still I ain’t wanna let her go.

  “Mommy, how many grandmas I got? And where Dee?”

  “Shh,” was all Mya spared.

  Mia moved on to other questions. “I hungry. We gonna eat?”

  “I’ll make y’all some lunch.”

  With a tiny nod of her head, my child agreed to let me feed them, but she coulda changed her mind the second things ain’t go the way she wanted.

  Mya was never a picky eater. She had her favorites, but she’d eat basically anything somebody put in fronta her. That much hadn’t changed. I made ‘em each a turkey sandwich, then pulled some frozen steaks out to defrost. Thinking maybe she might stay around for supper if she knew what to expect. She’d grown a few inches. Was taller than me but not quite as tall as her daddy was. Still had his features—even had his smirk with the right portion of violence attached to it. When she was a girl, it was easy to think she ain’t mean it. She wasn’t a little girl no more.

  “How you been?”

  “Fine.” Her answer rang with a twinge of resentment.

  “I been asking your sisters about you. They tell you?”

  She nodded and took a healthy bite out of her sandwich.

  “The young ones really miss having you around. You know? They doing good though. The twins going into third grade. They real excited ‘bout it too. They off spending the day with some of their friends, and Nat’s gonna be a freshman. You girls grow up so fast.”

  Lil’ Mia looked from me to her mama, smudges of mustard covered her cheeks and lips. Obviously, Mya hadn’t seen no point in teaching the chile table manners. She smacked her lips just as loud as you please, then had the nerve to burp like a grown ass man. If I hadn’t’ve heard foosteps on the stairs, I mighta reprimanded her. By the time Jackie slumped into the kitchen, I was glad I didn’t. Mya wouldn’t have taken too kindly to that.

  “Morning, Mama.”

  She wore sweat pants rolled up to her knees and a tee shirt she’d cut up so it hung off her shoulder and showed off her midriff. Jackie rubbed her eyes fiercely, then plopped down in the chair next to Mia. She’d yawned and tugged at the elastic band of her sports bra before she realized we wasn’t alone in the kitchen. “Hey.”

  In the blink of an eye, the somber chile who was mostly familiar to me disappeared, and what sat in her place chilled me to the bone.

  “I told you to wait.”

  “Aww, Mya…come on…it’s too early for—”

  “It ain’t early. What about wait here you ain’t understand? Huh? Next time you think you can just take my child—”

  “Not my fault you took so long. I had to work. She’s okay. Right, baby? You okay?”

  Mia did an impressive imitation of her mama’s blank expression.

  Jackie continued with her defense. “Besides, she ain’t never met Mama.”

  My heart skipped a beat. I spun toward the window over the sink, letting the sunshine warm my face. Hoping it could convince the tears to stay away.

  “You don’t do what I tell you to do, then I can’t trust you.” Mya’s gruff tone began to tremble under the weight of her anger.

  I closed my eyes, trying to be one with the sun. Nobody hated the sun. It was welcome wherever it went. I could be the sun. If I hadn’t married Ricky, I coulda been the sun.

  “Nee
d somebody I can count on…”

  “You want me to apologize ‘cause you fucked up? Hell, I ain’t the reason you were late.”

  Mya had an advantage in that Jackie was only a few seconds outta her sleep, but that ain’t last long. The two of them was each other’s favorite—hardly ever had a moment of discord between them—so when it happened, they tended to overreact.

  “I shoulda asked Nikki.”

  “Fine! Next time ask Nikki! See if I care.”

  ◼︎

  “Mmm,” Heziah’s voice vibrated against my ear. As far as husbands go, he was the best. And he loved me. Loved me and my girls, despite all the trouble we brought into his life.

  “Belinda? Where you at?”

  I took a deep breath, forcing myself to concentrate on what it felt like to be kissed by the best husband there ever was. To be underneath him, feel his body hot and sweaty on top of me, pushing deep into me. I was not gonna be thinking about Mya and the hardness she saved just for me or the grandchild I’d finally met or the doctor’s words. We’ll see. Couldn’t be positive, n’all he had to point out the obvious. If I was gonna die, then yeah, we’d see. If I was gonna live, we’d see that too. We’ll see. Who told the man to say such a stupid thing? He couldn’t think of nothing better to say?

  “Belinda.” Heziah frowned down at me.

  “I’m here. I am. I’m close.”

  He started in again.

  I wasn’t about to tell nobody until I had to. My girls had been through enough. Heziah too. Wasn’t no sense in getting everybody all worked up when we didn’t know anything for sure.

  Darlene had wanted to accompany me to my doctor’s appointment, but she didn’t complain when I told her Mama was coming with me instead. She wished me luck which just made me feel worse.

  “What time these people supposed to see you?”

  Mama never had a big voice, but over the years, it had become hoarse and brittle, like she was just waiting for an opportunity to snap somebody up. Jean-Louis said it was because she was bitter. He said he didn’t see how I could’ve come from her.

  She flipped another page in the magazine she’d chosen. That made thirteen pages she’d turned without really looking at any of them.

  “Nikki?”

  “Soon, Mama.”

  “You should go on up there and ask ‘em how many folks in front of you.”

  “I’ll just wait.”

  She sighed and muttered to herself, clearly disappointed in my decision. I wasn’t bold enough for my mama. I didn’t yell at folks even when they did me wrong, and I forgave too easily.

  “Nicole Grenier,” the nurse called, and I shot up from my chair. She led us back to examining room B and asked me to get undressed. She tried to reassure me with a smile when she saw I wasn’t too comfortable with that idea. Then she pulled the curtain around the bed, so I’d have some privacy.

  “Why they calling you Nicole?”

  “Huh?” I prayed she wouldn’t push the issue and carefully reached behind my back to unhook my brassiere.

  “That ain’t your name. Last I remember I named you Nikki.”

  “Must’ve been a clerical error.” I patted myself down to make sure the hospital gown was fastened securely then slipped on my sweater for good measure. “How’s Heziah?”

  “Fine. He’s fine. Working like a dog.” She studied me over the top of her magazine once I pulled the curtain back. “How’s that husband of yours?”

  “He’s good.”

  She nodded, completely satisfied with the short exchange. She didn’t really want to know anyway.

  “I heard Jackie’s working in some club over in the Woodlawn area. Is that a good idea? Shouldn’t she be some place where…where people don’t…umm…”

  “She’s doing just fine.”

  I nodded.

  “How come that husband of yours ain’t come with you to this here doctor appointment? He too busy to see about his wife?”

  “Mama.”

  “I’m just saying raising kids ain’t an easy job even with help, and he ain’t exactly around much.”

  “He works hard, taking care of me. Just like Heziah does for you.”

  She closed her magazine at that. She didn’t want to be reminded of Heziah. Heziah, who she’d left my daddy for and started a whole new life with, complete with two new babies.

  The doctor appeared shortly after that. Asked me some questions about my cycle and how often me and my husband…

  Mama sat in the corner, hands folded, and ankles crossed.

  “You’re only twenty-three. So, is there any history of infertility in your family?”

  I almost laughed at that. For most of my childhood it seemed like Mama was pregnant. Couldn’t go two years without Daddy wanting another kid, preferably a boy.

  “Ain’t nothing wrong with us. Nikki just fine. She just need to relax. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.”

  I’d been married for four years. I had a beautiful house and a wonderful husband who wanted kids. Destiny had a weird sense of humor.

  “We’ll run some tests and see what comes up.”

  I agreed quietly and listened as he rattled off hormones that needed to be checked and conditions that needed to be ruled out.

  “Don’t worry, Nicole. We’ll figure this out and get you pregnant before you know it.”

  Mama eyed the man through narrow slits like he was threatening my life.

  “Dee! I miss you!” Mia bolted across the room, weaving in and around folks, and flew into his arms. “I told Mommy to get you,” she declared, telling on me.

  I would’ve done it eventually. Her pestering just got it done faster is all.

  When I caught up to them, she was situated on his knee, explaining all about the grandma she’d just met. He was straight enough to pretend to listen, but I doubted he was really hearing anything she said.

  “And then we went to the docta and he was touching on her and she got mad, and then we got off the bus and this guy in a car…” She paused long enough to swallow. “And she got mad again. She get mad a lot. Just like Mommy.”

  “I’ll bet.” He grinned at me. “Was she pretty like your Mommy too?”

  “No. She darker.”

  “Like me?”

  “Not that dark.”

  The other folks at the table turned to study my child, grinning at her. She was funny even though she ain’t know it.

  “Being dark ain’t the same as being ugly,” I claimed the seat next to them and set my sights on the bowl of soup Darien pushed in front of me. He probably hadn’t eaten in days, but that never seemed to faze him none. “Mia, you hear me? Just because somebody brown skinned don’t mean they ain’t pretty.”

  “Where you go?” She demanded to know of Darien.

  “You hear your Mommy? She’s trying to tell you something.”

  “Next time you not go without me. Okay? Me and Mommy. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  For the umpteenth time, I prayed there wouldn’t be a next time. Wished this would be the last time I had to drag him outta some dope house and get him straight while Mia wasn’t looking. In a few years, she was gonna start noticing stuff.

  “I don’t wanna be by myself.” Her eyes grew big and sad, her tiny face full of worry.

  “You won’t be.” Darien’s arms closed in around her, squeezing her tight. It was a promise he’d already made a million times. To her and to me. I was still waiting for the day I believed him.

  Mia’s little head suddenly popped up, and she said brightly, “If I get a baby sister, I won’t be, right?”

  Panic gripped my chest. The last thing Darien and I wanted was a baby. A baby that cried at all hours of the night, and when he wasn’t doing that, he was hanging off my tit. Last thing we needed was a baby. But Darien grinned from ear to ear and winked at me.

  “Ain’t gonna happen,” I said, cleaning the bottom of the Styrofoam bowl with a slice of white bread. Mia fixed her face to jump-start her campaign
for a baby. She’d only seen them from a distance. She didn’t have one clue what they were really like. But ignorance never stopped her from roaring.

  “Come on.” My chair scraped against the floor of the church basement as I took her by the hand, leading her off of Darien’s knee. “Let’s go get you some soup before it’s all gone.”

  “I don’t want no soup! I want a baby!”

  “Too bad. ‘Cause what you’re getting is some soup.”

  We got in line behind an old white woman with crumbs in her hair. At first I thought it was dandruff, but nope, it was crumbs. Cookie crumbs from the looks of ‘em. Sugar, maybe butter cookies. Mia turned her nose up and yanked on my hand to get my attention. She pointed at the woman’s behind.

  “Shh.”

  Sometimes my child reminded me of my sisters. She was having a Jackie moment right then. Wanting to say stuff she had no business saying. So, the woman wasn’t the freshest-smelling person. It happened.

  She must’ve felt our attention on her back ‘cause she turned around with a glazed look in her eye and grinned at me like she recognized me. I could’ve ignored that, but then her gaze fell to Mia, and her eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning, and my chile was her one and only present.

  “Oooo, aren’t you precious? The cutest little thing…” She reached out with both hands.

  Mia promptly recoiled and said, “You stink,” before I could utter a word.

  At first it was like a pesky mosquito that wouldn’t go away. A week later it had become the monkey on my back. Who did she think she was? Talking to me like that! If she weren’t my sister, her ass woulda been grass.

  “Mami, take a break. Sit down. Relax.”

  Kem’s apartment was clear across town on the north side. Technically one bedroom, but it spanned the entire first floor of his building with a long hallway connecting the living room to the kitchen, dining room, and bedroom. It was furnished in typical bachelor fashion. Futons and tables in functional positions around the room. He had an end table holding up his remotes. A coffee table he perched his feet upon. And a smaller end table by the door whose job was to keep his keys from getting lost. None of it was color coordinated. There were stacks of books and magazines in every corner, and boxes filled with the same he had yet to unpack.