Sway (Keeping Score Book 6)

by Tawdra Kandle

  “Thank you for coming today, Gideon.” Her voice was soft and modulated, and I noticed that she didn’t flinch from looking me in the eye. “I know it couldn’t have been easy for you.”

  I swallowed. “I told you the day you left Richmond that if you ever needed anything . . . well, I’m here. I stayed out of the way for so long because I thought you wanted that.”

  She tilted her head, regarding me quizzically as she tucked her hair behind one ear. “That’s probably partially true, Gideon, but in the interest of complete honesty, which I think we owe each other, wasn’t it easier for you, too? Not seeing me, I mean. Cutting each other out of our lives.”

  “At the time, it felt like the hardest thing I’d ever done,” I answered. “At least, that’s how I remember it. Maybe . . . maybe there was some relief there, too.”

  “Leaving you was the only way forward I could see.” She rested her elbow on the arm of the sofa. “I’d gotten to the point where I dreaded you coming home every night. Dreaded it because all I could see was the guilt and pain in your eyes. I hated myself already, and I was beginning to hate you, too.”

  That hit me like a punch to the chest. “Ah. Okay. I’m . . . sorry?”

  Lilly smiled. “No, Gideon, don’t be. Today isn’t about recriminations and being sorry. I just wanted you to understand why I left the way I did. I want you to know why I didn’t give us any more time.”

  “I wish I could have made things better for you, Lilly. I wish—God, I wish so many things. I wish I had been able to be who you needed me to be. I wish I could’ve fixed us.” I rubbed my forehead. “Most of all, I wish I had been there to protect you that night. If I hadn’t been away, playing football, it never would have happened to you. And Christ, Lilly, I’d give anything to spare you that.”

  She nodded. “I know, Gideon. But in the end, it wasn’t that I blamed you for—for the rape.” She paused, as though saying the word aloud had taken some courage, and I imagined that it had. “It was that you blamed yourself, and you couldn’t get past that. When you looked at me, you didn’t see the girl you’d loved for years. You saw your own lacking. You saw failure, and even though I knew that blame was directed at yourself, I couldn’t take it anymore.”

  “When you left, I figured it was because you finally couldn’t take living with the person who had let you down so completely.” I took a deep breath. “How could I argue about that?”

  Lilly was quiet for a few moments. She reached for her water and sipped it. “Gideon, how do you think we were doing before the rape? Where did you see us going back then?”

  That was an easy question to answer, I thought. “We were happy. We were in love, and I figured we’d get married sooner or later. You were my best friend from the time we were kids. We were easy. We worked.”

  She blinked rapidly, and I wondered if she was struggling to hold back tears. “Are you looking at things as they really were, or are you seeing what you want to remember? Because that’s not the way I see it.” She paused. “You had gone to Atlanta for that away game. The next week, you had a bye. I had decided that when you got home on Sunday night, I was going to tell you that we needed to end it. I was already planning to move back to New York.”

  Shock knocked me back against the chair. “No, you weren’t. You never said anything to me. I thought we were happy.”

  “Did you, though?” Lilly leaned forward, her eyes intent on mine. “Don’t you remember how many nights we never even talked? Do you remember the weekends when things were so tense, I’d was desperate to get out of the condo, to get away from you?” She quirked one eyebrow. “Not to get too graphic, but what do you remember about our sex life from that last year?”

  I winced. For a long time, I’d done my level best to paint a happy picture of the days before the rape, but now that Lilly was pressing the point, the not-so-happy things were coming back to me. I remembered nights when I’d made a move to make love to Lilly, and she’d rolled her eyes and turn her back. I recalled the frustration of needing her in so many ways and feeling rebuffed, again and again.

  “Maybe it could’ve been better,” I conceded.

  “Oh, hell, yeah, it could’ve been,” she laughed. “At the time, I didn’t understand that, but from this vantage point, I realize how much we were both missing out. I know that we were working hard to save something that couldn’t have been saved—and that was before the rape.” She lifted one shoulder. “Afterwards, I clung to you like a drowning woman does to a floating door. You were my one point of familiarity, my touchstone of normal. Maybe if we’d been strong and healthy beforehand, we could’ve seen our way out of that, but given how bad things were before, we didn’t have a chance.”

  I nodded slowly. “Was it my fault, do you think? What happened before? I know I was neglecting you. I know I was buried in football, twenty-four seven. That had to have been hard on you.”

  She grinned. “It was a little your fault, a little my fault, and a lot just a function of us being young and unwilling to hurt each other. Our friendship was strong, and neither of us wanted to see that end.” Lilly stared down at her knees, her fingers smooth down the skirt of her dress. “You should probably know, too, that I was struggling with something else. I’d begun to suspect then . . . but I know it now. I’m bisexual, Gideon. I’m attracted to women and to men. It was starting to dawn on me that last year that I liked you tremendously, that I loved you the way I would’ve a best friend or a brother, but I wasn’t necessarily sexually drawn to you.”

  Annnnd the hits just kept on coming. “Are you serious?”

  Lilly straightened, her smile fading. “Yes, I am. Do you have a problem with that?”

  I snorted. “You weren’t sexually drawn to me? You weren’t turned on by this?” I waved a hand over my body, smirking a little. “Baby, now you’ve wounded me to the core. Do you know how many women would kill to their hands on this?”

  I could tell the moment Lilly caught on to the joke. “You goof. You’re such an asshole.”

  This was the Lilly I remembered. “Hey, I’m not the one kicking her ex in the balls. Which, apparently, you’re not even interested in.”

  “I didn’t say I was interested.” She winked at me. “But I’m just as drawn to a really fine set of tits.”

  The tension in the room seemed to have evaporated. I reached down and chugged the water Lilly had set in front of me. “Well, I won’t say that I’m not going to need some time to adjust to this news, Lil, but I hope you know me well enough to realize who you want to bang doesn’t make a shit bit of difference to me. You’re still the same Lilly Pad I’ve been tolerating since we were kids.”

  “I’m so glad.” She relaxed against the back of the sofa, and it did seem a weight had lifted from her shoulders. “I was worried about a lot of this conversation, Gideon, but I was really not sure how you’d take that announcement.”

  “Do you . . . are you seeing someone?” I worded my question carefully.

  She was silent for a beat. “I was in a relationship for a couple of months, but it didn’t turn out to be a good fit.” She glanced up at me. “That was a guy, by the way. There was nothing wrong with him, but when he got transferred to Toronto, neither of us was heartbroken. I’ve dated some women, I’ve had some seriously hot one-night stands, but nothing more than that.” She flipped over one hand and lifted it. “There’s someone I’m interested in . . . a possibility, I guess, but it’s complicated.”

  “Really?” I crossed my legs, watching her face go beguilingly pink. “Want to tell me about it? Him? Her?”

  Lilly shook her head. “Nope, I really don’t. Not yet. Not now.”

  “Okay. Cool.”

  We sat for a little while in companionable silence. I felt as though a huge boulder had been lifted off me—or maybe it had rolled away from the entrance to a cave where I’d been hiding, and I was beginning to see light.

  “How about you, Gideon?” Lilly asked. “Mom and Dad said you’d been with a very beau
tiful woman at your grandparents’ party. Is she someone special? Are you serious about her?”

  Sarah. I thought of her, and immediately, I was smiling. Across from me, Lilly chuckled softly.

  “You don’t have to answer. I can see it on your face. She must be really special, then. Is she good to you? Is she wonderful?”

  “She’s . . .” I tried to think of a way to describe Sarah. “She’s funny and blunt and honest and kind. She gives me shit about my hang-ups, but she never makes me feel less about myself. She loves to dance, and she’s a most excellent friend.” I laughed. “She has a soft spot for cutting down Christmas trees, and she has a way of finding the most interesting, out of the way corners to visit in just about any city.” I remembered the feel of her body pressed against mine as I’d kissed her the day after Christmas. “She holds my hand all the time, and when we’re connected like that, it feels like I could fly—and yet, I don’t have to. I can stay still and peaceful, and that’s all right, too.”

  “I’d love to meet her.” Lilly sighed. “She sounds perfect. I’m so happy for you, Gideon. You’re not going to let her get away, are you?”

  “Ah . . .” I hemmed. “We’re actually just friends. Best friends, but we’re not exactly dating.”

  “But she holds your hand.”

  “All the time.”

  “Have you kissed her?”

  I rubbed my jaw. “Yeah.”

  “Have you had sex?”

  I felt distinctly uncomfortable. “We did, once, over a year ago. When we first met.”

  “And was it good?”

  I blew out a breath. “It was fucking amazing. No pun intended.”

  “Then why aren’t you exactly dating?” Lilly folded her arms over her chest and stared me down. “Don’t tell me you’re scared, Gideon. Don’t tell me that you’ve been letting what went down between us keep you from grabbing ahold of this most excellent woman.”

  “It’s not just me,” I defended myself. “Sarah’s not necessarily a big fan of commitment, either. She had a crappy growing up, and she’s never dated seriously—or at least not for years. We’re taking it slow.”

  “Don’t take it too slow, or you’ll miss your chance.” Lilly propped her feet on the table between us, grinning. “And that would be a tragedy.”

  A small glimmer of something that felt like hope mixed with excitement began to build within me. “You really think I could do it? Be in a relationship again?”

  “Of course. Not only could you, you should.” She paused. “You need a plan to let her know that you want to take things to the next level—without spooking her. Do you have any ideas?”

  One was forming in my mind. “I just might. I think I know what to do.”

  Lilly rubbed her hands together. “Then all you need to do now is go for it.”

  “Yeah.” I sat up straighter. “I’m going to go for it.”

  15

  Sarah

  The Richmond airport wasn’t the biggest or busiest I’d ever flown into, but today, it was crowded as I dragged my rolling bag away from the gate, beyond the security check-points. I didn’t need to go to baggage claim, but that was where my ride was supposed to be waiting for me. I paused to examine a map on the wall, trying to get my bearings.

  “Excuse me, miss. Can I help you?”

  I turned around, prepared to politely decline the offer. But even as I opened my mouth to say something, I encountered a broad, muscled chest and a little further up, twinkling blue eyes.

  “Gideon.” I murmured his name, mindful of the crowds around us and aware that we were in the town where this guy was the football hero.

  “Princess.” Bending a little, he wrapped me in his arms, squeezing me tight against him until all of my happy places sang with joy. He loosened his hold, cupped my face in his hand and covered my lips with his in the most beautiful kiss of welcome I’d ever experienced.

  “Wow.” I leaned against him, breathless. “This is some car service you ordered for me. Remind me to tip the driver well.”

  Gideon chuckled, sliding his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. “The driver appreciates you expressing your pleasure any way you choose.” He steered me around a squealing throng of teenage girls. “Come on. Let’s go this way.”

  We made fast work of getting out of the airport. Gideon tossed my suitcase into the back of his truck and opened the passenger door for me before jogging around to his side to climb in behind the steering wheel. I expected him to start it up and back out, but instead, he turned to me again, hauling me up against his chest.

  “Hey, Sarah?” he murmured. “Remember when I said if I didn’t want to not kiss you again, I was going to go with that?”

  I grinned up into his eyes. “I vaguely recall something like that.”

  “I don’t want to not kiss you again right now. Like, a lot.”

  A huff of laughter escaped me. “By all means, don’t not kiss me.”

  Gideon threaded his fingers through my hair, angling my head to the side. I let my eyes drift shut, waiting for his lips to touch mine, but when it didn’t happen, I glanced up at him.

  He was staring down at me, all humor gone, his eyes roving over my face. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered. “When I don’t see you for a few months, I forget.”

  My mouth curved into a smile, my hands moving up to grip his broad shoulders. “You’re not bad yourself, you know.”

  “Glad you think so.” Inclining his head, he brushed the lightest kiss over my lips, soft as a butterfly’s wings. I sighed, relaxing against him. When his mouth took mine again, there was nothing soft. Instead, he kissed me like a starving man, his tongue tracing the seam of my lips until I opened to his urgings.

  It had been a long time since I’d made out in a car, but being held in Gideon’s arms as his mouth slowly but surely plundered mine was quite possibly the most erotic, sensual experience I’d ever had. He didn’t try to touch me anywhere else; his hands stayed tangled in my hair. But his lips let me know in no uncertain terms that he wanted me, and more, that he was going to have me.

  When we finally eased apart, both us breathing hard, the windows were fogged and my body was throbbing with need.

  “I hope there’s a place where I can give this driver a positive rating.” I laughed shakily. “Because I’m positive I’d ride him again.”

  Gideon’s eyes darkened. “If I wasn’t worried we’d get caught in a parking garage at midday, naked in the front seat of my truck . . .”

  “I can just see the headlines now.” I shook my head. “Rebels QB Scores at the Airport.”

  He smirked. “Hey, that’s not half bad.” Turning the key in the ignition, he twisted in his seat to look behind us as we backed out. “How was your flight?”

  “Long, but smooth and boring, the way all flights should be.” I watched out the window as we emerged from the garage and began bumping along the road exiting the airport property. “It looks like spring here. Hard to believe that the last time I was in town, there was snow on the ground.”

  “The forsythia in front of the house is just starting bud,” Gideon confirmed. “And to show you that crazy is apparently contagious, I told your tree today that you were coming to visit him.”

  “Oh, good! I’m so glad he’s doing well.” I poked Gideon in the arm. “Aren’t you happy that we didn’t cut him down every time you pass by him now?”

  “Sure.” Gideon winked at me. “Actually, I’m happy every time I pass by him because that tree makes me think of you.”

  I raised one eyebrow. “Well, aren’t you the sweet-talker all of a sudden, Gideon Maynard. Is this the effect of springtime in the air, or were you visited by three ghosts?”

  He shrugged. “Neither . . . or both. I didn’t see the three ghosts of Christmas, but I did see an old friend a few weeks back.”

  Trepidation tingled down my spine. “Who’s that?”

  “Lilly.” Gideon slid me a sideways glance, as though gauging my reaction
. “She’d, ah, been wanting to see me—she needed to find some closure, I guess.”

  “Closure, huh?” I wasn’t sure exactly how to handle this. My gut reaction said that based on the two kisses I’d just enjoyed, Lilly and Gideon hadn’t experienced a joyful reunion and decided to renew their relationship. But what had she told him that had caused such a change?

  “Yeah.” He nodded. “We talked about why she left. And more important, we talked about our relationship before the-rape.” He cleared his throat. “Lilly told me that the weekend she was attacked, she’d been planning to talk to me—she was going to move back to New York. She wanted us to end things.”

  “Wow.” I wondered how that had hit Gideon. It couldn’t have been easy to hear that kind of news. “And you had no clue?”

  He hesitated. “Thinking back, I probably did,” he admitted. “I probably wouldn’t have been shocked. Lilly pointed out that maybe everything hadn’t been as sunshine and roses as I’d remembered.”

  “I’m glad that you were able to talk with her. Do you feel like you’ve found some peace?” I ventured to reach across the seat and curled my fingers around Gideon’s.

  “I do. It wasn’t something I’d have ever sought out, but I’m glad Lilly forced the issue. By the end of my talk with her, it felt like old times—before we’d started dating,” he added. “She’s happy now.” He snuck me a quick, assessing glance. “She asked me if I was. Happy, I mean.”

  “And you told her . . .” My heart was thudding against my ribs.

  “I told her that I have a best friend who’s the first person I want to talk to in the morning and the last one I wanted to speak with at night. I told her I’d been spending time with this super cool chick who holds my hand all the time—who doesn’t let me get away with anything.”

  “This best friend sounds like a pretty amazing woman.” I shifted in my seat, bending my leg and pulling it up under me as I teased him. “Does she know about me? Have you mentioned my name?”

  Gideon snorted. “Now, why would I ruin a good thing by doing that?” He tightened his fingers around mine. “I might kind of have a surprise for you, by the way.”