The Ugly Side of Me

by Nikita Lynnette Nichols

  “That’s a good choice. I like you in that dress. Make sure you and Daddy take lots and lots of pictures. How are you getting to the airport?”

  “Walter will take us.”

  “You and Daddy have your passports?”

  “Yep. We have everything.”

  “Okay, it sounds like you’re ready. Have fun, let your hair down, and enjoy the moment. Cruises are awesome, Mama.” I had been on a couple myself. “I want you and Daddy to have a great time and bring me back a whole bunch of stuff.”

  Lerlean laughed at me. “What kind of stuff?”

  “Just stuff, and as soon as you get on the ship, send me a postcard.”

  “Okay. Well, I gotta go and pick up the refill of my arthritis medicine. I can’t afford to leave that behind.”

  “I got to get my prescription too,” I said without thinking.

  “What prescription do you have to pick up? What’s wrong with you?”

  Shoot. I wasn’t ready for her to find out yet. “Um, um . . .”

  “Rhap . . . so . . . dy?”

  Whenever Lerlean sang my name like that, I had to come clean with whatever I was trying to hide from her. I slowly inhaled, then exhaled. “Ma, I’m pregnant.”

  “What?” she shrieked.

  “Yep, I’m pregnant. You’ll finally become a nana.”

  I knew she wanted grandchildren, but I didn’t know how she would take the fact that her unwed daughter, the youngest of three children, would be the first to give them to her.

  “Oh, my God. Thank you, Jesus. Oh, thank you, Jesus,” Lerlean squealed. “My very first grandbaby. I’m so happy, Rhapsody. When did you find out?”

  Her acceptance was totally unexpected. “Yesterday.”

  “And you’re just now telling me?”

  “I’m not married, Ma, and I didn’t want to upset you before your trip.”

  “Why would I be upset? I’m happy for you. But your father may be a different story. You know how he is about his baby girl.”

  “Yeah, I know. Don’t tell him anything. I’ll do it when you get back from the cruise.”

  “Who’s the daddy?”

  “A guy named Malcolm.”

  “I didn’t know you were seeing anybody. When did you meet him?”

  I hated to lie to my mother. But there was no way I could tell her I had met Malcolm two weeks ago and had probably gotten pregnant the same day I met him. “We’ve sorta had an on-again, off-again type of relationship for about eight months.”

  “Eight months and you haven’t brought him around your family? Is he funny lookin’?”

  I laughed. “No, Ma. I haven’t met his family, either.”

  “Why not?”

  “I guess the time hasn’t been right.”

  “Rhapsody, your family and his family are about to share a baby. When will the time be right?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Are you hiding something from me, baby girl?”

  Yep, the fact that Malcolm is darn near a baby himself. “No, I ain’t got nothing to hide.”

  “How far along are you?”

  “Two weeks.”

  “Whew,” she said. “You have a long way to go.”

  I sighed loudly. “Don’t remind me. I wake up every morning with my face in my toilet.”

  “Get you some saltine crackers and sit them on your nightstand with a can of 7UP. As soon as you wake up in the morning, eat two crackers and drink a little of the 7UP. It’ll settle your stomach, and you won’t have the sickness.”

  “Ma, I have never heard of that before. Are you sure?”

  “Girl, I had three babies. Just do what I tell you, and you’ll be all right.”

  “Okay. I’ll call you and Daddy tomorrow night, before you leave.”

  “You should come by the house this evening. I’ll fry some catfish and make spaghetti.”

  “Ooh, that sounds good. You’re gonna put your foot in it?”

  She laughed. “I always do.”

  I drove up in front of my parents’ house and saw that both of my brothers’ cars were parked outside. I felt like putting the pedal to the metal and speeding away. I didn’t wanna deal with Daniel and Walter. I hoped my mother had the catfish and spaghetti ready and she would allow me put some in a Tupperware bowl and leave.

  I used my key, which I had had since I left home over ten years ago, and let myself in. I heard voices coming from the back of the house and assumed everyone had gathered in the kitchen. As I walked through the living room, I looked at all the family photos, including the childhood pictures of Daniel, Walter, and me, that my mother had kept throughout the years.

  One particular picture of me drew my attention. It was my fourth grade class picture. I was smiling and was missing two front teeth. My hair was parted down the middle, with a twisted pigtail on each side. I picked up the picture and noticed how shiny my hair was. It took me back to the night before I had my class picture taken. Lerlean made me sit in the kitchen chair next to the stove while she pressed my hair with the green Ultra Sheen hair grease. I shivered because I could still hear the hot straightening comb sizzle when it touched the grease and got too close to my scalp.

  “You see how ugly you were?”

  I looked up and saw Walter standing in the dining room, cleaning the carcass of a piece of fried catfish.

  I hollered toward the kitchen, “Mama, Walter is in your living room, eating a piece of fish.”

  “Walter!” she yelled. “Bring your greasy butt back in this kitchen. You know I don’t like nobody eating in there.”

  “Ma, I ain’t in the living room. I’m in the dining room,” he hollered back at her.

  “He’s in the dining room now, Mama, but he was in the living room, sitting on your couch,” I lied.

  Lerlean came into the dining room with a broom in her hand and looked at Walter. “Boy, have you lost your mind? If you get fish grease on my furniture, I’ll break this broom across your back.”

  “Mama, Rhapsody is in here lying on me,” Walter complained. “You’re gonna let her get away with that?”

  Daniel came into the dining room. “Hasn’t she always let her get away with everything?”

  I sat the picture I was holding back on the table and went to kiss my mother’s cheek, and then she and I went into the kitchen.

  My folks had a big kitchen, the kind I wished I had in my house. My father was sitting at the table, eating a plate of catfish doused in Louisiana Hot Sauce and spaghetti. In a bowl, next to his plate, was a lettuce, tomato, and cucumber salad topped with French dressing, his favorite.

  Mama went to the stove to prepare a plate for me, while Walter, Daniel, and I sat at the familiar kitchen table. It had been a long time since all of us had sat at that table together and had had dinner as a family.

  I leaned over and kissed my daddy’s cheek. “How ya doin’, Daddy?”

  He drank from a glass of grape Kool-Aid, then swallowed. “Hey, baby girl. How was work today?”

  “Work was good,” I said. “No accidents, so I was able to relax all day.”

  “I wish I could get paid for doing nothing. It must be nice,” Walter said.

  I gave that fool a sarcastic look. “Oh, it’s very nice, but everybody can’t have my luxury.”

  Lerlean sat a plate filled with two catfish fillets and a healthy portion of spaghetti in front of me. “Did you remember to get your pills?” she asked.

  I looked up at her with bulging eyes, reminding her that right then was not the time to discuss my pregnancy.

  Daniel caught the look in my eye and couldn’t help himself. “What kind of pills are you taking?”

  “Probably birth control pills,” Walter answered for me.

  My father almost dropped his fork. Even though I was fully grown, no man wanted to know about or even imagine his daughter having sex.

  “Nah, they’re the kind of pills to keep me from cussing y’all out.”

  Neither of my parents said a word. My f
ather kept eating, while my mother stood at the kitchen sink, washing dishes. The looks on my brothers’ faces was priceless.

  “Daddy, did you hear what Rhapsody said to us?” Walter asked.

  My father licked hot sauce off his fingers. “Uh-uh. What did she say?”

  Daniel turned in his chair and tapped my mother’s lower back. “Mama, did you hear what she said?”

  “Yeah, I heard her.”

  My mother’s nonchalant attitude was a surprise to Daniel. “And you ain’t gonna say nothing to her?”

  Lerlean turned around and looked at him. “What do you want me to say, Danny? If you and Walter stop messing with Rhapsody, she won’t have to cuss.”

  I smiled to show my brothers that I still had what it took to win my parents over. It was something neither of them could ever do.

  “I don’t believe this bull—”

  My father cut Walter’s words off before he could finish his sentence. “You watch your mouth at this table, boy.”

  I laughed out loud. It was just like old times.

  By 9:30 p.m. my brothers had left. My mother had gone to take a bath, and so my father walked me to the front door.

  “Are you sick?” he asked.

  “No, Daddy. I’m all right.”

  “What kind of pills are you taking?”

  “Vitamins.” I didn’t lie.

  “Regular vitamins?”

  I had wanted to wait until after his cruise to confess to my father but figured that since he had asked, that was a good moment to come clean. I exhaled and blurted out the words, “They’re prenatal vitamins, Daddy. I’m pregnant.” I had hoped never to have to say those words without having a husband by my side.

  If my father was disappointed, he didn’t show it. He pulled me close to him. “Are you all right?”

  Being wrapped in his arms made tears appear in my eyes. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

  “Who is he?”

  “A guy named Malcolm.”

  “Where is he?”

  “I don’t know where he is right now. I haven’t talked to him today.”

  “I want to meet him when I get back from vacation.”

  “Okay,” I said, but I didn’t think that was gonna be possible. Malcolm had made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with my baby or me.

  I arrived home and found Malcolm’s Lincoln Navigator parked in my driveway. The excitement I felt caused my heart to almost leap out of my chest. I prayed that his being there was a sign that he’d had a change of heart and decided to be a father to our child. I turned my key in the lock of the front door and pushed the door open. A string hanging from the ceiling in the foyer met me; a note was attached to it. I turned on the light and read the note.

  I’m sorry. Come into the bedroom.

  I smiled. I was as happy as a kid in a candy store. My bedroom was dimly lit, with candles burning on the dresser and the nightstand. Malcolm lay in the middle of my bed, wearing his birthday suit.

  “It’s about time you came home. I’ve been lying here for an hour.”

  It didn’t even matter to me that Malcolm had walked out on me. I had my boo back, and that was all that mattered.

  Chapter 35

  I woke up early Thursday morning to find Malcolm gone. I hopped out of bed and headed for the shower, but not before I chewed two saltine crackers and swallowed half a can of 7Up. I loved my mother because she was very wise. She was right on the money about the crackers and soda. I felt no morning sickness whatsoever.

  After my shower, I stood in my bedroom, facing the long mirror that hung on the back of the door. I studied my naked body and tried to imagine what it would look like in the months to come. I turned to the side to get a profile and stuck my belly out as far as it would go. I didn’t like what I saw. It seemed as though my lower abdomen was already protruding, but at only two weeks, I knew it wasn’t possible to be showing.

  I shuddered at the thought of carrying around a whole watermelon. I thought of myself as being fat, but Malcolm said I was thick. To my knowledge, being fat was when you couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs without busting a sweat, and that was me. Being fat was having on a pair of panty hose and folks could hear you approaching from a block away, and that was me also.

  While I was driving to work, my cellular telephone rang and Anastasia’s home number showed on my caller ID.

  “Good morning. How are you feeling today?” she asked me.

  “Really fat.”

  “Girl, you ain’t even showin’ yet.”

  “I am, Stacy.”

  “Rhapsody, you’re not even a whole month pregnant. What are you showing?”

  “I’m showing fat,” I said irritably. “I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and almost cried. I don’t think I can go through nine months of this.”

  “Well, it’s too late for that kinda talk. You have no choice but to go through with it.”

  “Oh, I got a choice, all right. There’s still time.”

  “What did I tell you about that? Just because Malcolm’s dumb behind is acting crazy doesn’t mean you have to act crazy.”

  “He apologized to me, Stacy.”

  “When?”

  “Last night, when he came over. He was at my house when I got home from my parents’ house.”

  “What was he doing there?”

  “Lying in my bed, naked, waiting on me.”

  “To do what?” I knew she was vexed because her voice rose.

  I didn’t answer.

  Anastasia exhaled loudly and paused a moment before she spoke. “Tell me you didn’t do it, Rhapsody. Please tell me you didn’t screw him.”

  My own voice rose because she was starting to get on my nerves. “Don’t you screw Trevor?”

  “Trevor is my husband!” she shouted back at me. “We are in holy matrimony. He pays my mortgage and car note. He buys my food and keeps my light, gas, and telephone on. He puts clothes on my back. He’s my husband. I’m supposed to screw him. You, on the other hand, got played last night.”

  “Let you tell it,” I said. “I’m gonna do whatever I have to do to keep Malcolm. Even if I have to pay.”

  “Pay?”

  “You think Malcolm can afford the note on that truck he’s driving, Stacy?”

  That really pissed her off. “What?” she shrieked. “Girl, have you lost your darn mind? It’s amazing to see how Malcolm can make you do this without puppet strings attached to your hands and feet.”

  “You really get on my doggone nerves, Stacy. You’re so negative and always got something to say.”

  “That’s because you keep doing crap you ain’t got no business doing. And if you don’t wanna hear the truth, then don’t bother callin’ and tellin’ me anything about what you’re doing.” She disconnected the call, but I didn’t care. I was tired of talking to her boojee behind, anyway.

  I looked at the clock on my dashboard as I headed toward the Loop. It wasn’t even seven o’clock yet, and already Anastasia had managed to screw up my day.

  I was so irritated when I got to work, I didn’t know what to do. But there was a God somewhere, because Mr. Duncan had come in early and had left a note on my desk, letting me know that he’d be in meetings all day. “Thank You, Jesus,” I said out loud.

  I sat at my desk and sorted through the interoffice mail. In one of the envelopes addressed to Mr. Duncan was a promotion the CTA was running for a trip to Cancún, Mexico. It was an all-inclusive package that included four nights and five days at a five-star resort and round-trip airfare for only $299.00 per person. A nonrefundable fifty-dollar deposit would reserve a suite with a view of the Caribbean Sea at the Caribe Real Resort Hotel.

  I could really use a vacation, especially before the baby came. People always said that once you had kids, your life was over. I looked at the flyer again and saw how gorgeous the turquoise and blue water was in Cancún. Just as I was about to call Malcolm, my extension rang. I silently prayed that there hadn’t been a bus accident or a tra
in derailment. I exhaled and answered the phone.

  “Good morning. You’ve reached the CTA’s traffic room. This is Rhapsody. May I help you?”

  “Hey, baby.”

  The sound of Malcolm’s voice always soothed me. I smiled into the receiver. “Hey, boo. I was just about to call you. Are you at work?”

  “Nah. I’m off. I have to take my mother to therapy today. What’s up?”

  “Do you have any vacation time?”

  “I got a week coming to me. Why?”

  “How soon can you take it?”

  “Whenever I want.”

  “You got a passport?”

  “Yep. I got it in my first year in college. Me, Ivan, and a few other students went to the Dominican for a week.”

  I glanced at the flyer I was holding in my hand. “The Dominican, huh? Well, how does Cancún, Mexico, sound?”

  “It sounds good. Are we going?”

  I smiled. “Yep.”

  “When?”

  “How fast can you pack?”

  I called the travel agent who was listed on the flyer and booked a suite for Malcolm and me at the Caribe Real Resort in Cancún. I charged $740.00 on my MasterCard. Since my bank account was low, I would have to use my credit cards and get cash advances. But it would be worth it. Our plane was scheduled to leave O’Hare International Airport at five o’clock the next morning. Our plane tickets would be waiting for us at the Southwest Airlines counter.

  Mr. Duncan would have a cow when I told him that I was leaving town on such short notice, but he would be all right. With a baby coming, I might not have another chance to take a vacation. As soon as the travel agent gave me my reservation number, I called my boss’s cellular phone.

  “Didn’t you get the note I left on your desk?” he asked irritably, like I had interrupted something important.

  “Yeah, but I need to tell you something, Mr. Duncan.”

  “I’m in a meeting, Rhapsody. Can this wait till tomorrow?”

  “I won’t be here tomorrow. After today I’ll be on vacation.”