Barnaby's Shorts (Volume One)
Page 20
A Question of Alignment
A Tom Fletcher novel
Something is going wrong with the Lottery. There hasn’t been a jackpot winner for eight weeks. Something is also going wrong with the weather. It just won’t stop raining.
Balding, middle aged Tom Fletcher is an unlikely man to save the universe. In fact he is an unlikely man to do anything requiring action, but when the family cat talks to him and then walks through the sitting room wall even he is intrigued.
The cats have discovered that someone from a parallel universe is trying to alter the laws of probability by exchanging Lottery balls. Unfortunately, although all cats are born with the ability to travel between parallel worlds by the simple method of walking through perfectly aligned east/west walls, they are not born with hands suitable for opening doors or carrying Lottery balls.
Tom’s cat, Smokey, (or Boudicca as she has nicknamed herself) has oversold Tom’s abilities to her peers but despite his poor juggling skills they adopt him as their leader and set out on a quest for the mysterious ‘Smith’.
Soon, Tom is littering the adjacent universes with stuff that just shouldn’t be there, creating more problems than he is solving; like how to hold up his trousers when his belt is two dimensions away or how to explain to his wife the presence of a white lace thong in his spectacles case.
Copyright Barnaby Wilde. July 2005
Every which way but East
A Tom Fletcher novel
Retired, bored, bald Tom Fletcher uncovers another dastardly plot to change the laws of probability. Pausing only to take part in a Speed Dating evening, he is soon creating havoc across multiple universes dressed as a duck.
Can Tom beat the Smiths? Will he find love? Can he play darts? What's a duck got to do with anything?
This book should only be read by people with a sense of the absurd.
Copyright Barnaby Wilde. July 2012
Poetry by Barnaby Wilde
Visit www.barnaby-wilde.co.uk for more information, to view samples or to download the following poetry ebooks by Barnaby Wilde.
Animalia
A collection of quirky verses on a vaguely animal related theme. If you like armadillos, elephants, camels, or chameleons, or if you have ever yearned to own your own yak, then this is the book for you.
Copyright 2011 by Barnaby Wilde
Life…
A collection of verse loosely related to life, living, getting older and losing things. If you wonder why there are 87 bottles in your bathroom, or where socks go when they die, or how you will know when you are middle aged, then this might be the book for you.
Copyright 2011 by Barnaby Wilde
The Blind Philosopher and the God of Small Things
A collection of verse full of weak puns and jokes, loosely related by two men with long white beards.
Copyright 2012 by Barnaby Wilde
Not at all Rhinocerus
A collection of quirky verse by Barnaby Wilde which is not at all rhinoceros. (Well, maybe just a little bit, at the end).
A miscellany of weak puns, old jokes and a sense of the ridiculous, including 'A pyschiatrist's guide to empathetic garden design', 'Two flies walking on a bald man's head', and 'Acupuncture is a jab well done' amongst others.
And absolutely no mention of rhinoceros (OK. perhaps a very little bit at the end).
Copyright 2012 by Barnaby Wilde
A Little Bit Elephant
A collection of quirky verse which has nothing to do with elephants (OK, it has a little bit of elephant, but that's all).
Another miscellany of puns, jokes and strange ideas, including verses about kitchen appliances, carpets, cabbages, sheep and just a tiny mention of elephants
Copyright 2012 by Barnaby Wilde
Tunnel Vision
Another collection of quirky verse featuring some longer verses on subjects as diverse as flying saucers, fear of flying and dining room tables. Pausing along the way to ask, what if whales could fly? and do you need more than two pairs of shoes? Featuring 'The Ballad of Wayne and Bill' and 'Flying Over the Atlantic'. Puns and jokes as usual.
Copyright 2012 by Barnaby Wilde
The Well Boiled Icycle
35 New 'quirky' poems by Barnaby Wilde featuring Clockwork Wellingtons, Goldfish, Jugglers and Gingerbread Men, but not necessarily in that order, (and not a mention of elephants).
Copyright 2012 by Barnaby Wilde