Never a Hero

by Marie Sexton

  “Bear attack,” I said, more confident this time.

  By the time they were gone, Nick was back. “Since you’re here,” he said to Paul, “will you cover for a bit so we can go look around?”

  “Only if I get to hand out actual candy.”

  “What’s wrong with the stuff I bought?”

  Paul laughed. “Halloween isn’t about pencils! It’s about treats! They don’t say ‘trick or school supplies,’ do they?”

  Nick made a low, angry noise that sounded suspiciously like a growl. “I hate what they’ve done to Halloween. I refuse to buy into the idea that getting factory-wrapped candy bars is somehow better for our kids than getting apples from their neighbors.”

  “Don’t tell me you actually liked getting apples on Halloween,” I said. Although if anyone did, it would be Mr. Healthy Diet.

  “Besides, you’re not handing out apples either,” Paul pointed out.

  “My point is, the whole ‘razor blade in the apple’ thing is nothing but an urban legend. Yet we’ve let ourselves be convinced that things like homemade popcorn balls are dangerous, whereas store-bought candy is good.”

  I thought about Nick’s popcorn. I couldn’t blame a kid for wanting candy instead.

  Paul shook his head in amusement. “You should hang out with El. He’s been raving for weeks about how Halloween has been ruined.”

  “He’s right.”

  Paul rolled his eyes in my direction, smiling as if we shared a secret. Nick didn’t see it because he was rooting around in a cabinet.

  “We’ll be back in half an hour or so.” He pulled out Paul’s bowl of SweeTarts and shoved them into his chest. “Happy now?”

  Paul grinned at him. “Ecstatic.”

  I OPTED to leave the mask and cape behind, although I kept the T-shirt on. I put on my jacket and Nick and I waded through fallen leaves and costumed kids toward the heart of the Light District.

  Nick pushed his mask up onto his head in order to glance sideways at me. “Let me guess. Paul was giving you the third degree.”

  “He wanted to know if you’re gay.”

  He laughed, shaking his head. “He’s kind of clueless, but he’s a good guy. Great at his job too.”

  “Well, you are, right?”

  “Great at my job?”

  “No. Gay.”

  He looked over at me with obvious amusement. “I thought I’d been pretty damn obvious about it. With you, at least.”

  “But why doesn’t Paul know? You don’t seem like the closeted type.”

  “Partly, I’m a private person. I never felt the need to advertise it. But partly, I have to admit, I just like to keep Paul guessing.”

  We rounded the corner, and I stopped in my tracks. Tonight the Light District truly lived up to its name. Hundreds of strands of lights hung from the trees—white, orange, and yellow, reminding me of iridescent candy corn. Some of the trees still had leaves. Others were bare. Glowing ghosts swayed in the branches. Up and down the sidewalk, at least a dozen different inflatable decorations stood guard in front of businesses. Packs of children ran laughing, bags held tight in their hands. Parents strolled behind, checking their watches, waving to one another.

  “It’s beautiful,” I said.

  “Yeah, it is a nice night,” Nick said, clearly missing my point. “I’m glad we have good weather for once. Seems like Halloween in Colorado is cold more often than not, and it’s never fun to have to put a coat on over your costume.”

  “Did you grow up here?”

  “In Grand Junction. How about you?”

  “Laramie. Halloweens there were always windy as hell.”

  “I thought every day in Wyoming was windy as hell.”

  “Good point.”

  I followed him through the plaza, gazing around like an awestruck kid. I was amazed not just at the lights, but at the entire atmosphere of the place. There was so much laughter. The district felt festive and cozy at the same time. I began to notice how many same-sex couples held hands. How many children were escorted by two moms or two dads. The ice cream shop was practically bubbling with energy and laughter. Kids giggled over cups of ice cream crawling with candy worms.

  I moved closer to Nick, and he put his arm over my shoulders. I heard Paul’s voice in my head. So you are his boyfriend! At that moment, it almost felt true, but I didn’t dare assume anything.

  “Here,” Nick said, stopping in front of a door that said Ink Springs. “Come in and meet Seth.”

  The bell on the door jingled as it closed behind us, and Nick pulled his arm away from me. A bearded man with more ink than skin scowled at us, and I felt Nick go stiff beside me. “Seth here?”

  He didn’t get much more than a grunt in return, but the man ducked into the back, and a second later Seth appeared. “This is a nice surprise,” he said to Nick. “You here to do more work on that shoulder?”

  “No. I wanted to introduce you to Owen. He lives above me.”

  Seth turned an appraising eye my way, looking me up and down without embarrassment. I began to blush when his gaze reached my arm, but Nick said, “He’s trying to figure out if you have any ink.”

  Seth laughed. “He knows me too well. Always trying to scope out people’s art.”

  “No tattoos,” I said.

  Seth’s smile grew exponentially. “Nice going, Nick! You brought me a blank canvas to work on.” He looked again at my arm. “Good skin too. Not much hair to worry about.” He took a binder off the counter and handed it to me. “Pick something. My chair’s empty tonight. I’ll give you the Virgin Discount.”

  For half a second I wondered how he knew I was a virgin. Then I realized he wasn’t talking about my sexual status but about my lack of tattoos.

  They were both watching me, expecting a reaction. The binder was big, so I put it on the countertop in order to avoid having to balance it on my stump while I looked, and opened it. The first page was full of snakes and scorpions. Nick laughed. “I don’t think those are your style.”

  “I don’t have a style.”

  “Not yet,” Seth said, rubbing his hands together with excitement. “That’s what’s so great about your first time. It’s like setting the mood, you know? Priming the wick. Popping your cherry.”

  I wondered if it was intentional that he kept using sexual references. I flipped to another page and found flowers and butterflies. Another page held tribal bands.

  “You’ve seen Nick’s ink, right?” Seth asked. “You could do something to match.” He winked at Nick. “That’d be cute, doing the couple thing. Matching hearts on your ass or something.”

  My cheeks began to burn. My hand shook as I turned the page. I didn’t dare look up.

  Nick laughed without embarrassment. He flipped the book closed and pushed it across the counter toward Seth. “Not tonight.”

  “Too bad.” Seth smiled at me. “The offer stands, though. Anytime.”

  “Thanks,” I said, although I had no intention of taking him up on it.

  Nick held the door for me. He didn’t seem to mind that everybody thought we were a couple. It made me feel reckless and brave, ready to reach out and take his hand, but then I remembered the way he’d pulled away. I was still thinking about it when he put his arm over my shoulder again, drawing me into his warmth.

  I decided to stop worrying about what I meant to him and just enjoy it, whatever it was. I leaned into him, feeling more content than I had in ages.

  We were ten yards away when the door to Ink Springs opened and Seth called after us, “I see that, Nick! Double discount if you do the hearts!”

  BY THE time we made it back to the clinic, my smile felt like a permanent part of my face. Paul had handed out all of his candy and was back to distributing Nick’s pencils.

  “This trick-or-treat thing only goes another hour,” he said to us before he left. “You should come down to Tucker Pawn afterward. A few of the guys are stopping by.”

  It wasn’t until he was locking the front door
of his clinic that Nick asked, “Do you want to go? I know you’re not crazy about that kind of thing.”

  I didn’t want to. Not really. I pictured a raging party, plastic cups full of beer, people playing drinking games. And me standing alone on the outskirts. But I also felt like he wanted me to say yes, and I wanted him to be pleased with me.

  “Maybe.”

  He smiled. “I’ll make you a deal. We’ll drop by and say hello, but the minute you want to leave, we will. I promise.”

  As soon as we walked into the back room of Tucker Pawn, I realized how ridiculous my assumptions had been. This wasn’t college and these weren’t frat boys. They were adult men, not doing keg stands or acting stupid, but just hanging out and talking, sitting on a sagging couch and a few teetering barstools. They laughed a lot, but this gathering was more about stealing an hour or two of adult camaraderie than getting shit-faced.

  Nick introduced me around the room. First to Paul, who I already knew, and his partner, El, who owned the pawnshop. Then El’s friend Denver—whom I immediately recognized as The Hero from Regina’s moving crew—and his boyfriend, Adam, who seemed almost as shy as me. The third couple in the room were Jason, who apparently owned a nightclub that wasn’t open yet, it being so early in the evening, and his partner, Michael. One single man, Nathan, rounded out the group.

  I took off my jacket and did my best not to be self-conscious about my bare amputated arm hanging from my Superman sleeve. I looked around, trying to figure out if I could ever fit in with this group. Denver and El made more noise than anybody, and I stayed away from them rather than risk attracting their attention, not because they seemed mean but because I knew I’d never be able to keep up with their conversation. I found an empty stool and perched on it.

  “We can leave right now if you want,” Nick said to me.

  “I’m fine.” I wasn’t sure if it was true. Nick left to find the bathroom and I sat there by myself, feeling nervous and ignored, until Adam brought me a drink.

  “I’m not really the partying type either,” he said quietly.

  I laughed, more out of nervous energy than actual humor. “Is it that obvious?”

  He smiled. “Like recognizes like, you know what I mean?” He looked around the room. “Sometimes they still make me nervous too, but they’re all nice, I swear.”

  Only a few words, but I did feel better knowing I wasn’t the only introvert in the room. I began to relax by degrees. It didn’t hurt that Jason and Adam kept handing me shots. Michael, Paul, and Nick began discussing the plausibility of veterinary acupuncture, and I found myself suddenly sitting with Nathan.

  He was young and cute, in a twink kind of way. I had to wonder if he was more than nineteen, although given the fact that Jason was getting him drunk too, I assumed he was at least twenty-one. His hair was blond with pink highlights, and he pulled his own stool close enough that I could make out green eyes behind his hipster frames.

  “So what’s your part in this little group? Do you work for Jason?” I asked.

  “No. I’m Michael’s receptionist. He has an acupuncture clinic down the street.” He nodded toward Nick. “And you. You’re the man who finally landed Hacktown’s most eligible bachelor?”

  “N-n-no. We’re friends. That’s all.”

  He didn’t even blink at my stutter, but his eyes widened in pleasant surprise. “Really?” He moved closer. His eyes sparkled mischievously. “So that means you’re single?”

  “I guess.”

  He laughed. “Then I should get you another drink.”

  “No, thanks. I think I’ve had too many already.”

  He looked down at my left arm and frowned a bit. I knew the look. He wasn’t disturbed so much as unsure if he was allowed to mention it or not.

  I thought about what Nick had said to me over sandwiches at the Vibe. Most people are trying to treat you the way they think you want to be treated. The bear attack story seemed like the wrong tack here. Instead I took a deep breath and said, “Amniotic band syndrome. I was born without it.”

  He smiled, obviously relieved I’d brought it up. He reached out and put his hand on my arm. My breath caught in my throat. A lifetime of hiding it, and this was twice in one month that somebody I barely knew had touched it, not with distaste, but with tenderness. I found myself melting into his touch.

  He leaned close. “Can I ask you a rude question?”

  “I guess.”

  “Have you ever, you know, used it on somebody? I mean, I know guys who’d love that. Like fisting, but without the fist.”

  It took a bit of effort not to gape in astonishment. I had no idea what to say. What he was suggesting had never occurred to me. I was also surprised by his assumption that I had any kind of sexual experience, let alone something so kinky. It was kind of nice to know I didn’t have Twenty-Eight-Year-Old Virgin oozing from my pores. “Are you serious?”

  He laughed. “Yeah. Don’t tell me you’re one of those prudes who never watches porn?”

  I wasn’t that sheltered or naïve, but still, I’d never seen anything like what he was referring to. “Everybody I’ve ever seen in porn has all four limbs intact.”

  “I think you mean ‘all five limbs.’”

  Now it was my turn to laugh. I was surprised at how easily the laughter came to me. At how quickly my discomfort with him had fallen away. “Good point.”

  He let go of my arm to make a dismissive gesture with his hand. “Don’t worry. I won’t ask you to do it to me. That’s not my thing.” This time he put his hand on my thigh. He leaned even closer. I wondered if he was about to kiss me. “Are you sure I can’t bring you another drink? Or we could go someplace else?”

  The possibilities loomed in front of me. I could have this boy take me home, and I’d no longer be a virgin. That was absolutely clear. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. He was cute, and the idea of kissing him certainly appealed. I thought about being skin to skin under the covers, and there was no denying the way it made my pulse race. But when I pictured being kissed, or making love, or waking up next to somebody in the morning, it wasn’t Nathan I saw in my head.

  It was Nick.

  I looked around for him and found him watching me with obvious disapproval. I was also pretty sure he was at least a little bit jealous.

  I stopped Nathan’s hand on my leg. “I think I’m not as single as I led you to believe.”

  He laughed, not with annoyance or disdain but with genuine understanding. He backed up, letting the space between us become more casual than intimate. “No harm, no foul, right? I didn’t offend you?”

  “Not at all.”

  In fact, I felt sexy. Flattered. Almost invincible. I also knew now exactly what I wanted. When Nick walked over and said, “Let’s get you home,” I gladly complied.

  The cool night air of the Light District surprised me. I tried to remember how many shots I’d had. Enough to make me happily tipsy and uncharacteristically bold. “Coming to my rescue?” I asked Nick as we made our way back to his Tahoe.

  His laugh was a sharp and loud. “I wanted to rip his arm off for touching you.”

  Was it horrible that his jealousy made me feel like I could fly? “Then there’d be two one-armed men for you to deal with.”

  He laughed, more genuinely this time. “Bad choice of words. Sorry about that.”

  “I don’t mind.”

  I looked down at the Superman T-shirt I still wore. I really did feel bulletproof.

  I reached out with my right hand and smiled like a fool when Nick took it.

  Chapter Seven

  NICK DIDN’T leave me at my door. He followed me inside, kicked off his shoes, and sat down on my couch. I sat next to him, my heart racing with the possibilities.

  “You going to take Seth up on his offer?”

  “You mean getting a heart tattooed on my ass?”

  He laughed. “Well, I wasn’t thinking that exactly.”

  “Unlikely.” I thought about Seth asking me if
I’d seen Nick’s tattoos. I hadn’t, and suddenly I wanted to. More than anything. The alcohol, Nathan’s flirting, Nick’s attentions—all of it combined to give me courage I wouldn’t normally have. I turned to him, straddling his lap. “I never have seen your ink.”

  “You can see it without sitting on my lap.”

  “What fun would that be?”

  “Owen, this is a bad idea.”

  “So what? You eat bland popcorn. You don’t drink. You don’t even believe in Halloween candy.” I slid my hand under his shirt, up his smooth stomach. He sucked in his breath, and his eyes drifted shut. I leaned forward and kissed his jaw. “Do something dangerous. Let me see.”

  “No. I really should leave.”

  He didn’t leave, though, and when I began to tug on his shirt, he helped me pull it up, over his head. He moaned when I put my hand on his bare chest.

  His tats were mostly black. V-shaped birds rose from his waistband, across his chest, over one shoulder. The opposite shoulder was half-covered with some kind of intricate knot-like pattern, obviously unfinished. I traced the birds with my fingertips, from the top down. As my fingers made their way down his stomach, his hands clenched on my thighs. His breathing quickened.

  I leaned close, wondering if I had enough nerve to do more.

  “Owen,” he said, his voice hoarse and rough. “Jesus, I shouldn’t be doing this. I should have let you go home with that kid.”

  “I didn’t want him. I want you.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Yes, you can.”

  “I’ve spent the last five years making sure I didn’t end up in situations like this, but four weeks with you and every ounce of restraint I’ve ever had is gone.”

  “I don’t want you to have restraint.” I put my right arm around his neck. I put my forehead against his. “I want you to kiss me.”

  He groaned, and I knew I was close. I knew that whatever reasons he had for denying me were crumbling beneath the weight of our shared desire. I steeled all of my nerve and pressed my lips against his.