The Product of a Broken Heart

by Crystal Ismael

  An elder once told me, “Dana, never become like still water.” I thought that sounded confusing at the time. Why would I be like still water? She went on, saying, “Still water doesn’t move, and after so long, it begins to smell.”

  If you can smell yourself, then most definitely, others can smell you! When she said that it reminded me of the chicken. I didn’t want to get to the point in life where I wanted to change but never getting to the point of actually stepping out and embracing the change, which then only resides as a desire.

  I know a guy who always said, “Man, If I can just stop messing around with all these women, I would be able to settle down.” To some, that might sound crazy, but for him, it was actually something he battled with. He had commitment issues. My issue when he told me was that he knew it was an issue and knew that he needed to change, but he didn’t have an eagles’ mentality. Which is necessary for the development of willpower to deal with a problem and step out and make the necessary changes. The difference with me was I felt I didn’t have to change to gain something new.

  I couldn’t move any further until I came to grips with the mentality that existed within myself at the time. If I was a chicken and didn’t come to grips with the fact that I was a chicken, I wouldn’t have made the necessary choices to change, to become anything more than a chicken. I had to see it for what it was.

  The old saying is, “If it sounds like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it is indeed a duck.” I had to be able to recognize who I was and where I was in life. I can’t say, “I am a millionaire,” with nothing in the bank. I can say it until I’m blue in the face, but the fact remains that I’m not.

  I knew the cliché, “Say it until you see it,” but if I say it without the proper actions, I won’t ever see it. The sad news is that many other women don’t acknowledge where they are so they take that same cliche and run with it, squandering their time in one place while thinking they are in another, which by default will not allow the proper actions to take root. So just like a lot of other women, I could not deal with the reality that my life was in chaos. I told myself over and over that I was okay, and that what I indulged in was perfectly fine. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was a complete mess.

  My mother used to always say, “Dana, you are walking around with a million-dollar mind, carrying a McDonald’s purse.” That didn’t make sense to me then, but now I truly get it. I truly get Mama. I used to think I was in one place, “a millionaire” with money to get whatever I wanted, but my bank account said otherwise. I couldn’t see past the illusion that I had formed for myself, digging a deeper hole while simultaneously adding on to the debt that had already accumulated.

  I had to come to grips that I couldn’t stop being addicted to drugs until I first acknowledged that I was an addict! Even when you go to support groups, the first thing they ask is that you acknowledge what you are. “I am Dana, and I am an addict” or “I am Dana, and I am an alcoholic.” I had to be able to see it for what it is and admit that I have the issue so I can deal with it.

  When I learned to deal with my mind and understand the cause and effects of the rollercoaster I was on. I began to open up and see what was really a battle for me, and that was to admit that I was an addict. To finally see myself as a chicken or an eagle. For me, it was something I did to calm myself down when the trauma of the past began to scream through my thoughts in the present. For years, I said, “No, I don’t need help. I am not an addict,” for drugs were my help. “No, I don’t need help. These men love me. They are not using me, abusing me physically and mentally,” for it was okay for me at the time. I used the excuses to continue to do what I wanted to do as my coping mechanism, to continue down the downward spiral of chaos. That’s why a person can want to change but decide that change is too much or thinks it is not necessary because of the illusion that they have formed in their minds, that screams out “nothing is wrong”. I had to get to a point where I screamed out, “If I stay this way, I will die! If I don’t move, I won’t make it!”

  If I had not moved, I would have been lost or left behind. I must keep moving, keep striving, and keep pushing. I have the propensity to get caught up in the cares of the world with the “Oh, my husband” or “Oh, my kids” that I lose focus and vision and the natural ability to just stop moving and striving kicks in.

  If an eagle wants to change, an eagle changes. He doesn’t care about how hard it may appear or how it looks. An eagle changes because he makes up his mind to change. An eagle understands that change produces newness. Even in math, they teach you that. I remember telling my daughter Amanda that when she began to learn addition and subtraction. Anytime you add or subtract anything to a number, it changes the end result. As simple as it sounds in math, it is just as simple in reality.

  I took my addiction away, which produced newness. Now I don’t depend on drugs, but I depend on the creator and my ancestors. I took the alcohol away and added joy and peace. Anytime I add or subtract anything out of my life, I will change the end result. I cannot be so stuck in my today that I can’t grasp what today is trying to build for my tomorrow, scared to add or subtract the things and sometimes the people in my life today to bring the newness I need for my life tomorrow. Nothing and no one would be able to hold that eagle back from changing.

  A chicken sees life one way, and an eagle sees life another way. I chuckled as I threw more clothes in the bag as I thought about jasmine who saw my change at the time as a mistake. That it produced an old lady who did not like to do anything fun anymore. I saw it as a newness, I saw joy, I saw that it gave me peace, I saw a stillness that she didn’t see or could understand.

  Just like that old saying: “One bad apple will spoil the bunch.” So, I knew then that we could not enjoy life together the same way. I knew what I wanted out of life at that moment, I knew where I wanted to go and wanted to live according to what I wanted to see produced. It was in my walk. It was in my talk. It’s in who and where I decided to place my presence and energy.

  I heard the sayings before in school about chickens and eagles and all the little clichés they had to go with each bird. It just never hit home until I actually made up my mind to change my life. It just never penetrated until I was face to face with the possibility of becoming a new me! I wasn’t thinking about a chicken mindset when I was doing drugs and could have cared less about an eagle and all its characteristics that the teachers always told us to strive to be like. It was the moment that I decided to deal with me and change from one stage in my life to the next that I was confronted with a mindset of an eagle, that I would have to take on for me to grow and be successful.

  For so many years, I was walking around with a chicken mentality, looking down, worried about what was under me or behind me and all that happened to dear old me, running with the crowd, losing my identity in the crowd of other chickens, wasting my time. At times, I even thought I could fly, but like I said, I’d flap my wings and back to the ground I would go with the other chickens, scared of the unknown possibilities that I could achieve, scared of being different in a world that valued moving and looking the same. I wouldn’t be considered nice looking if I were too overweight, or I wouldn’t be cool if my hair was not straight enough. As long as I was rocking with everyone else’s beat, I was considered cool or in the in-crowd. Being different is an eagle’s mindset. Setting yourself apart is a step everyone who decides to capture an eagle’s mindset will have to embark on. Being able to stand alone sometimes means setting the stage and knowing that it is okay.

  T. D. Jakes said it best when he said that “for comfort, people forsake their promise.” For comfort, people say, It’s okay for me to stay the same. I’m not that bad off. For comfort, people throw in the towel on their promise because it challenges their comfort and security wall they have built for themselves. I use to say all the time “If I change, then I can’t change this and can’t change that, and I can’t leave them alone,” I
use to embrace change with setting my own stipulations.

  I laugh at myself as I think about how chickens do nothing more than follow each other. If one crosses the road, then the others cross the road. The one that is following wouldn’t even care if a car is passing, a truck is blowing, or bikers are riding. The chicken knows nothing but to follow other chickens. Chickens’ eyes are mostly on the ground, and they have the tendency to want to fly but know they never will. They are known to be earthbound birds with an earthbound mentality.

  Then there are eagles. The strength in its wings, the confidence in its eyes, and the power in its grip. I have never witnessed an eagle live life with a chicken.

  Eagles are beautifully different. They don’t travel in crowds and don’t put emphasis or pleasure on things below them. Eagles are not confined to conditions, situations, elements, or circumstances. Eagles are eagles regardless of what season they are in. Whether during a storm or a sunny day, the eagle remains an eagle. They don’t conform to what is going on at the present time but know what’s going on is temporary and don’t let the situation define them but inspire them. A book I read not too long ago talked about how an eagle can see a storm coming and instead of running and hiding, the eagle prepares for the storm by gathering sticks and figs to have a safe nest to make it through the storm.

  I decided a long time ago that I wanted to be like that eagle and to keep moving forward. The issues in my life should do nothing more than push me to elevate my thinking and my ability to endure whatever comes my way, to build character, knowing that seasons change and storms don’t last always. Eventually, the sun will shine again. Eagles doesn’t become a chicken when times get hard!

  “Eagles are contributors and leaders, and chickens are borrowers and spectators.” An eagle is able to tell the storm in their life, “You will not take me out. This too shall pass.” A chicken in a storm seems to flap their wings and run around in circles, frantic. Not knowing how to react to storms, they tend to worry and panic, looking to the storm for answers, not knowing the answer resides on the inside of them.

  The storm doesn’t tell me how to act, but I tell the storm that I will keep my joy and that I will keep my peace. An eagle commands the storm, saying, “you will pass,” leaving nothing but a lesson.

  I have never seen an eagle sit around a chicken coop or spend time with chickens and be comfortable. The chicken will soon say to the eagle, “You think you’re all that? Who do you think you are?” Eagles want to be around eagles, and chickens want to be around chickens.

  To stop clubbing, partying, drinking, and drugs. I was then suddenly the devil. I no longer fit in with the crowd I ran with, for they were suddenly irritated about my change, uncomfortable with being around me. A chicken only picks its head up for a moment to look around to see what is going on, and back to the ground they go, pecking for scraps. Those I thought were my friends picked their heads up long enough to say, “Who do you think you are to leave us? Who do you think you are to abandon us? You’re not that fun person we knew at first. You are becoming an old lady.” Then back to the ground they went, pecking.

  I could hear my math teacher now, with that shaky, soft voice she had, talk about peer pressure. She made a very interesting statement that stuck with me over the years. As she stood in front of the class with her skirt to her knees, her button down shirt and her favorite polka dotted scarf, firmly yelled over the talking of the students. “Sometimes, the person getting pressured doesn’t necessarily want to get involved in the action, but because everyone else is doing it or acting a certain way, the one that is getting pressured gives in because he or she can’t handle the fact that everyone is doing it or acting a certain way.” Then she cleared her throat and added “and the very thought of standing alone and standing out is too much to bear for someone in a society of copycats.”

  She then would just stare at us, leaving us wondering if this was a question, or if we were supposed to wait for the rest of whatever else she had to include in what she thought was important outside of math at the time.

  It was her own little way of teaching us about chickens and eagles.

  It amazes me when I see teenagers with pants sagging and soon after, every teen you pass has his pants sagging, all of them following one another with no firm foundation of where that originated. But because one person did it and thought it was cool, now all the young boys and some grown men are walking around with their pants down, thinking it is cool. They are all just chickens following chickens—they have a chicken mentality.

  Coming to grips that I was a chicken I had to admit my state at that moment in my life. I refused to keep licking the wounds of my past experiences, crying over a father who would never show up, mad at my mother for not being at home for me, mad at the man who raped me in the late hours of the night, who thought that it was acceptable. And I could no longer be mad at the man I thought was supposed to love me for the rest of my life.

  Crying wouldn’t fix anything. Crying wouldn’t add another day to the life I had or change anything I figured I was not supposed to go through. I remember the restless nights of sleeping in the car alongside my kids or the sadness when I lay on the stretched chair as I got my blood taken for money to feed my kids. Crying wouldn’t take back one single moment or one single day. I had to face it and deal with it. I had to establish in my mind that I wouldn’t stay in my puddle of feeling sorry and sad for my life. Looking back now, all I was doing was holding a pity party with myself, causing me to walk around with my head down with other people who were licking their wounds, holding their own personal pity parties. I had an eagle’s potential with a chicken mentality.

  Stressing over the past is a waste of energy I eventually learned. I have gained the knowledge that I can’t change the past, and to stress over what’s happening is ludicrous. If I can’t change it, then I must leave it right where it is, until I get the tools to do what needs to be done. And why stress over the future … something I have not lived to see? I must be able to deal with what I can deal with, understanding that things happen, understanding that an eagle is built to take charge, built to rise, built to soar, built to deal with anything that comes its way, understanding that everything will be okay.

  To become an eagle, I had to put away chicken ways. I had to understand that eagles don’t do what chickens do. Eagles understand that it takes too much unnecessary energy to gossip, too much valued time hanging around people whom you know just want to stay in the same place they are in, dwelling on wishes, that they will never take one step toward. Those who say the typical clichés: “Oh, I wish I could” or “I wish I did.” “I wish I was successful like them” or “I wish I could accomplish this and that”—the “I wish” syndrome. Eagles understand that if they can wish it, with the proper actions they can very well obtain it. If I want to be successful, then I must go after what I want, and understand that nobody or nothing can measure what success is for me.

  An eagle knows they are not where they want to be but are working towards getting there. I had to take my vision I saw for my life and shoot for it. I had to see myself as an eagle, then I had to become one. A person who has vision only sees, eats, talks, and lives vision. Chickens would not understand this. Chickens only see what their neighbor has and lose sight of what they have in front of them.

  To have vision, I had to see the bigger picture of something greater than my reality. It goes beyond what I saw right in front of me. It conflicted with where and who I was as a whole. A vision drove my decisions, my conversations, and who I decided to have in my space. It tickles me even now when I think about my friend jasmine along with the others that I had to cut out of my life.

  I had to declare that I am not a failure; my past was not my end; it doesn’t determine my future nor does it define who I am. I had to declare that I rise above whatever I thought was holding me back.

  I realized rising up was the hardest part. For one, people
who are flyers don’t automatically know they are flyers, so flying is always a leap of faith. I know pastors say over and over they never knew that they would be pastors, that before they were drinking and chasing women and so on. There was a change that took place on the inside and allowed them to step out for what they believed in and what their vision was. I never knew I would be helping many young women across the world, holding conferences. It took a leap of faith, walking into the unknown, rising up to something my past conflicted with.

  The only way I could grow, is when I stepped out of my comfort zone. I could only grow as big as I allowed myself to dream. It began when I stepped out and did what I once thought I couldn’t do. I thought I would never come out of the hole I was in. I thought I would never be more than a nursing-home worker and fast-food restaurant server. When I stepped out, the next thing I knew, I finished school when I thought that time was done and over with. I took a leap of faith to rise and fly into the unknown.

  I am starting to understand what flying means. Simply to soar through any trial, to smile through my tears, to laugh through heartbreak. I had to learn to see straight without looking down or worrying about what was behind me. Many years ago, I was reminded of the Red Sea in the Bible. Going through the Red Sea, the Israelites were so worried about the pharaoh’s army that was behind them that they forgot God had just opened the Red Sea for them to move forward and walk through. They completely forgot the miracle happening at the moment. That is what trips so many up—they spend most of their lives looking behind them, focused on their pasts, that they never turn and see the greatness in front of them, constantly distracted by what has happened or what is happening that they don’t see the blessings. One thing about eagles is they see what is in front of them.