Love, Lust & Friendship

by Elizabeth Stevens

  “I know this is new for me. But, I’m not the kind of guy to ask a girl out and then mess around before she’d answered, Addy.”

  “I assumed you needed an answer before you’d… What did you call it? Have a reason to not look anywhere else?”

  “That’s not…” He sighed.

  “Not what, Topher? A girlfriend is the only thing that will stop you messing around? Pretty hard to attract a girlfriend when you’re–”

  “God, Ads! What was I supposed to do when the girl I wanted was the only one who didn’t see me?”

  Well, I wasn’t surprised. The number of girls at our school who fell all over him astounded me. A girl he actually wanted to be sincere with? Of course she wasn’t going to be looking.

  “How was she supposed to see you when you acted like a jackass? Even I know that girls don’t actually want a guy who–”

  “Ads.” He looked at me like I was an idiot. “I’m talking about you.”

  Oh. Right. That made sense. What with him asking… I breathed out heavily. “Toph–”

  “How difficult is an answer? My question’s not going anywhere…”

  “Very difficult, Christopher!” I snapped at him in a harsh whisper.

  “Why?” he asked.

  I looked around, knowing that Ander was a heavy sleeper at the best of times. But, the last thing I needed was for him to get up and find me talking to his brother about dating. I grabbed Topher’s arm and pushed him into his room, closing the door behind us.

  “Because I don’t know the answer, Topher!” I huffed. “I don’t know what to do when the first guy to ever ask me out is my best friend’s older brother.”

  “If you don’t want to–”

  “That’s the thing. I might want to. I…” I sighed. “Toph, I’m torn here, okay? I like spending time with you, I really like kissing you, and there’s something about the idea of dating you that I don’t hate…”

  “But?”

  “But, I don’t think it’s fair.”

  He frowned in confusion. “What’s not fair?”

  I licked my lips nervously. “I don’t…” God, how did I explain it? “I’m not interested in falling in love, Topher. Okay? I can’t help getting crushes and kind of wanting to date, but…” I’d never even voiced it so succinctly to Ander. He knew, but not because I’d put it into specific words. “The idea of falling in love terrifies me.”

  As he walked towards me, he held his hand out and I took it. He gave my hand a squeeze as he cupped my cheek with the other.

  “I wouldn’t have thought there’d be any risk of you falling in love with me,” he said with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

  “I wouldn’t have thought so, either,” I teased.

  “What if I promise no one’s falling in love with anyone?”

  I smirked. “You can’t promise that, I’m far too awesome.”

  His smile reached his eyes now. “You really are.”

  “So, how can you promise not to fall in love with me?”

  “Because I couldn’t bring myself to do anything against your wishes, Sonny.”

  I laughed, then asked, “What would Ander say?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know that it’s relevant if there’s nothing for him to comment on.”

  “You do know that dating means not hooking up with other people, right?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. I had heard that. But… Two things.”

  “What?”

  “Firstly, I don’t see you being the kind of girl who kisses a guy regularly without it being exclusive. Secondly, I want to be the guy you’re kissing regularly. So, if that means you’re the only girl I’m kissing at all… Well, I kinda like the sound of that, actually.” He shrugged. “Plus, I’ll try anything once.”

  “What if I won’t?”

  He wrapped his arms around my waist and grinned. “Then, I’d still like to kiss you regularly. And, I’d still be happy to not be kissing anyone else.”

  “Maybe we just don’t need to put a label on it…for now…?” I said softly, questioningly.

  “What do you want, Addy?” he asked.

  “I don’t know…” I admitted. “I… I don’t know that I want either of us to be kissing other people. But, I don’t know if I’m ready for anything else…”

  He gave me a nod. “I can work with that.”

  “You’re only going to want to kiss one person?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And, I’m the only person you’ll be kissing?”

  “Well, I hope so. That’s kind of up to you, though.”

  “I feel like I have to talk to Ander about it…”

  Topher nodded. “I get that.”

  “But, I have no idea what to say.”

  “What do you want to say?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. Do you think ‘exclusively hooking up’ or ‘I didn’t exactly say yes when he asked me out’ will get us into less trouble?”

  He chuckled. “Well, given that second one makes me sound better…”

  I smiled at him. “Very cute.”

  He leant down to kiss me but I shook my head. “What?” he asked.

  I chewed my lip while I tried to think of the best way to put it. “If this is going to be a thing, Toph… Like a proper thing we plan, not just completely unintentional–”

  “And that has you avoiding me for the next week?”

  I smirked. “Yes. Fine. But, if we’re doing this, I feel like I need to talk to Ander before it happens again. I can’t, in good conscience, plan to kiss you without telling him…something.”

  He nodded slowly. “Okay. That’s fair….” he said slowly and I could tell there was more.

  “But…?”

  “But, you do know you don’t need his permission to kiss me?”

  I smiled at him, because he looked worried one or both of us actually did need Ander’s permission to do this. “I know I don’t. It’s called courtesy. Something you should try more of.”

  He grinned. “Maybe I’ll let you teach me.”

  I nodded. “Sure. I’ll add that to the list of things to improve about you.”

  He snorted. “If I need so much improvement, why do you want to be with me?”

  I looked him over and I honestly couldn’t really pinpoint it. “I don’t know, Topher. Maybe I actually like you exactly as you are and I just refuse to further inflate your ego by admitting it.”

  “Yeah, maybe.”

  We just stared at each other and there was something that I could feel between us. It was more than just the fact I liked kissing him. It was more than the fact he’d been part of my life for years. It was more than he was my best friend’s older brother. It was something that went along with terrifying, so I cleared my throat.

  “I really should go back to bed…”

  Topher nodded. “Okay.”

  Neither of us made to move.

  “Are you adamant about the no kissing before talking to him?”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I just thought that one little kiss before you went to sleep with another dude wasn’t too much to ask.”

  “Firstly, your brother and I don’t sleep together. Secondly, you don’t get a kiss just because you guilt me into it.”

  He gave me that cocky smirk. “You’re right on that. But, you can’t say sleeping with Lex is any different than sleeping with me.”

  “That happened once and it was totally different.”

  “Was it?”

  “This is the shower all over again, isn’t it?”

  “Well, it certainly could be.” He winked.

  I smacked him and smiled because I knew he was only teasing. Unless I chose to take him up on it. Which I was tempted to do, but I wasn’t going to. “You know why it’s different, Toph…” I said softly.

  All teasing left his face and he looked at me tenderly. “Yeah, I think I do.”
/>
  “It doesn’t bother you?” I asked him.

  “That you’re choosing to go to his bed, not mine?” he clarified.

  “Among other things.”

  He looked behind me and I could see he was thinking. “Yes and no,” he finally said. “I’d rather you wanted to stay in mine, but I’m not worried anything’s going to happen between you and Lex.” He looked back down at me. “I’ve watched you and Lex grow up, Addy. I know what you are to each other. But, I won’t lie and say I’m not a little jealous about it.”

  “You, jealous?” I scoffed and he grinned.

  “Yeah. It’s a new feeling. One I only associate with you. But, I kinda like it.”

  “You’d better not be playing me, Christopher.”

  His fingers trailed softly over my cheek. “I couldn’t play you if I tried. I have this ridiculous urge to offer you the world, Addy. I don’t know where it came from or when it started, but I don’t want it to stop.”

  My breath caught and I couldn’t help the feeling of happiness that warmed my whole body. A vague thought of ‘forever never lasts’ tried to meander through my head. But, I liked feeling happy – not that I wasn’t usually happy, but this was a new happy. A different happy. This was a floaty happy that I’d never felt before. And, I didn’t want it to stop either.

  “Then, don’t let it, Topher,” I told him with a smile before I reached up to kiss his cheek and slipped out of his room and back to Ander’s.

  “You good, babe?” Ander rolled over, still basically asleep, as I got into bed and he rolled over.

  “Just had to pee. Go back to sleep.”

  “Love you, Ads,” he mumbled.

  “Love you, too.”

  Ander was dead to the world for the rest of the night, but I had trouble falling asleep. I couldn’t stop thinking about how Topher made me feel and how the hell I was supposed to explain that to Ander the next morning.

  Chapter Thirteen

  The next night, I wriggled in my seat and my father huffed a small laugh which was only acceptable because my mother wasn’t there.

  “So… I hear you tore your mother a new one last weekend?” he started and I looked up at him across the table.

  I’d put on the slightly more acceptable navy-blue sweater, the nicest pair of jeans I owned and a pair of dark brown knee-high boots I’d had shoved in the back of Ander’s wardrobe since the last time Dad and I had met for dinner. It was probably still a little warm for the combination, but I didn’t really know how to do fancy. And honestly, I didn’t really mind trying to do fancy for my dad. It might have helped that he didn’t care when I thought I’d failed.

  “Uh… That I did. Yeah,” I answered, feeling totally stupid. Of course she’d have gone whinging to him.

  But, he just laughed and I frowned at him.

  “You could at least pretend to be on your wife’s side,” I muttered, pushing my pasta around.

  “Addy, if I was on her side, I wouldn’t be on yours…”

  “Stupid logic,” I grumbled.

  He laughed and my heart twinged. I liked that sound.

  But, it was only a sound I heard when it was the two of us. It’s no secret he and my mother didn’t get on, but it had always been a surprise to me that Dad had never really been close with my brothers. As I’d got older, I wondered if that was because the boys used to have a tighter bond with our mum and that came between their bond with Dad – whereas I don’t think I could remember a time when that woman ever liked me. I’d never bothered talking to the boys about it; once they’d been old enough to avoid my parents, I’d sort of dropped off their radar. But, that’s what growing up to you does, I suppose. I loved my brothers, we just weren’t close.

  “Sweetheart, I know it’s rough – your mother and me – but I have tried to work it out. I’ve tried to leave her.”

  I nodded, guessing where he was going with this. “But, she’d rather have the façade.”

  “She would. I’m sorry it’s not been easy on anyone, especially you. But, you’ve got Miss Henderson and the boys.”

  I looked at him carefully. “Have you talked to Aunt Jelly about any of this?”

  A flicker of foreign uncertainty crossed Dad’s face for a second. “I might have a little.”

  “So, she didn’t just take me in out of the goodness of her heart?”

  Dad smiled. “Oh, no. She did. But, I talked with her to thank her once, a couple of years back when you were in the hospital…again.” Here he gave me a warning look and I knew what I’d done. “She didn’t want anything from me at first. But, I convinced her that if she was going to be looking after my daughter, she shouldn’t have to do it alone.”

  “You pay her?”

  Dad looked at me like that was beneath the both of us, but he admitted, “Not as much as I’d like.”

  “Why?” I asked, not sure if I was horrified or pleased one of my parents was taking responsibility for me.

  “Because you deserve somewhere safe to belong. And, if that isn’t your mother’s house, then I should be making sure you’re not a burden on anyone.”

  Note how it was my mother’s house, not the family home.

  “A burden? Thanks, Dad!”

  He looked genuinely tired for the first time in ever. “Not like that, Addy. You know Miss Henderson hasn’t had it easy. The life insurance was enough to pay for the house, but raising two big growing boys takes money and that amazing young woman is too proud to ask for help. I suppose she wants to set a good example and she is, but I wish she’d let me help her more for everything she does for you.”

  “So, you pay her?”

  “I give her some money to cover your costs so she doesn’t have to work so hard. Your mother doesn’t know where that money goes, but she’s sure it’s to a mistress or – heaven forbid – a secret child.” We shared a smile. “But, it’s worth it to see you safe and happy.”

  “If you didn’t work so much…” I stopped, looking at my plate as much to hide the tears forming in my throat as because I shouldn’t try to dictate what my dad did with his life.

  He reached over and took my hand. “I know. If I could go back and change it all, I would. But, I think it’s too late for that.”

  I looked up at him. “But… All the women?”

  Here, guilt clouded his expression. “I’m not a good man, Addy. I don’t have any excuses for what I’ve done other than that I’ve made poor choices and I think things have become so broken with your mother that they’ll never change. I’m not the role-model to you or the boys that I’d thought I’d be, or even one I’m particularly happy with. But, I do love you, very much.”

  “I love you, too, Dad,” I answered, knowing it was true.

  Yeah, he was a terrible husband, not even that great a man, but I knew he really did love me; he always treated me well, he looked after me, and he was there for me when I went to him. Sometimes, like that night, he was there for me anyway. So, I loved him. Maybe more like an eccentric uncle than a father, but I loved him.

  “Why now?” I asked.

  “Why now, what?”

  “Why did you tell me all this now?”

  Dad gave my hand a squeeze before pulling it back, those green eyes so like mine staring right at me. “You’re getting older, Addy. There are some things I feel like I can be more open and honest about without…ruining your childhood I guess. Besides, there’s a little something about you tonight that makes me feel like you need some frankness.”

  “When did you stop loving her?” just came out.

  “God,” he breathed. “Uh, honestly? I don’t know, Addy. Life sort of got in the way of us and by the time I took a breather, I…just didn’t love her anymore.”

  I nodded. “But, she still loves you.”

  “Which is why I wish she’d let me walk away.”

  “Can you try harder?”

  Dad sighed. “There’s more to it than a conversation, sweethe
art. And, that shit’s too depressing to talk about no matter how old you are.” The fact he’d dropped any persona to put it like that made me realise how honest he was being.

  I nodded. “But, you’d walk away if you could?”

  Dad looked me over. “This isn’t about me and your mother anymore, is it?”

  I looked around the restaurant, wanting to look anywhere but at him. “I just… Love looks scary. No matter how much I don’t want it, I have this feeling I’m going to get it anyway.”

  Dad chuckled and my eyes snapped back to see the rare smile on his face. “There is no way Ander will ever stop loving you, Addy. What you two have is something far more than your mother and I ever had. The two of you are more fated to love each other for eternity than Romeo and Juliet–”

  “Minus the suicide I hope…?”

  “Yes,” he smiled, “minus the suicide. You two have been through a lot together and your love’s never wavered. If I thought your heart wasn’t safe with him, Addy, I would have had words with him long before now.”

  “What if I wasn’t talking about Ander?”

  Dad tried really hard to hide his shock. “There’s a boy?”

  I screwed up my nose. “Maybe.”

  “What does Ander think?”

  “He doesn’t know. Yet.”

  Dad nodded. “It’s new.”

  “Really new.”

  “And you’re worried you’ll fall in love with him?”

  I nodded. “And, then he won’t love me back. Or he will then he’ll stop. Or… I don’t know.”

  “You really like him, huh?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe.”

  “I hate to say it – and I know anything about love coming from me is ironic – but you just have to fall and hope he’s there to catch you. But,” he took my hand again, “if he’s not, Addy, know that it’s not because you weren’t enough. Some people go together, others don’t. Some go together for a while, then don’t anymore. For all sorts of reasons. You just have to keep hoping until you find the one you go with.”

  I snorted, not because I didn’t take his words seriously, it was just because they were coming from a man who had perfected this cold exterior around his wife.