Love, Lust & Friendship

by Elizabeth Stevens

  “Babe?” came a little while later.

  “Yeah?”

  “You okay?”

  I nodded, mainly to myself. “Sure. You?”

  “Me?” He sounded surprised. “Why am I not okay?”

  “Because you were forced to watch your best friend and your brother kiss.”

  He breathed out heavily, then I felt him drop onto the bed next to me. “Ugh. This is all my fault.”

  My arm slid off my face as I turned to look at him. “What?”

  “This mess. You and me and Toph.”

  “What are you drivelling about?”

  “If you hadn’t known I’d have a problem with it, you guys would have had a better start and then maybe it wouldn’t be so weird.”

  “I’m still not following. Have you been drinking?”

  “No!” He nudged me with his elbow. “Look, I’m just trying to…” He sighed. “I should have been happy for you, supportive. I shouldn’t have gone all ‘you best friend, him brother’ on you. I just–”

  “I get it, babe.” I leant my head against him. “I don’t love it and it hasn’t been easy. But, I get it.”

  “You shouldn’t have had to,” he said. “I should have just told you to follow your heart and I’d be with you every step of the way.”

  “Babe, it’s your brother. We both knew no one was rushing into this yelling ‘follow your heart’. Every girl who’s done that’s been crushed.”

  “I’m trying to apologise and you’re not making it easy.”

  I smiled. “Sorry. Continue.”

  “I don’t know how we make this normal. But, if you two are doing this then we need to find some way.”

  I nodded. “Agreed.”

  “Okay. So, I say we just do it. I mean, I’m still on this no flaunting thing–”

  “Yeah. What is that? Explain it to me.”

  I felt him shrug. “Just like keep your sex lives to yourselves. Okay? I’m going to grow up and deal with kissing and,” he huffed a breath, “you want to hold hands or whatever? Fine. But, PG only, please? I can only deal with so much at once. I want to be a bigger person and stick with ‘do you, babe’, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m sorry. I’m the worst best friend ever.”

  “You’re not.”

  “I am. I’ve broken like a hundred Best Friend 101s in the last week alone.”

  I nudged him gently. “As long as we can talk about it, we’ll be right. No one comes between us, remember?”

  He kissed my hair. “I remember.”

  “I love you, Ander, to the moon and back.”

  “I love you, too, more than all the stars in the sky.”

  We lay, just both staring at the ceiling while the occasional shout and splash could be heard from outside. After a while, I felt him fidget.

  “What?”

  “Are you doing this not-actually-dating thing because of me?” he asked finally.

  I thought about it. “Maybe.”

  “I mean, I get your hang ups–”

  “Thanks,” I huffed as I dug my elbow into him.

  “–but, I don’t want you to not to do what feels right because of me. You know, I’d love you even if you married him, right?”

  I tried not to laugh only because I didn’t want him to think I wasn’t taking him seriously. “I know. I don’t think we need to be making plans, though.”

  “You really like him, though. Huh?”

  I shrugged. “Yeah. We both know I’d always crushed on him or whatever, but I’d never stopped to realise maybe there could be more to it.”

  “Do you love him?”

  I snorted. “No. No, I don’t. I guess it’s more than a crush. But, it’s not love. We’re like friends, but with some added lust and a little bit of romantic feelings, or whatever.”

  “You know… You can date him. Like properly. I want you to be happy, Ads. And, even an idiot like me can see Toph makes you happy.”

  “You’re not an idiot.”

  “I’m no great brainiac.”

  “Who is?”

  “Stupid perfect Topher,” he grumbled.

  “Hey. You’re way better than him.”

  “Oi, if you turn around and tell me you want to bone me, you are shit out of luck, my friend!”

  I snorted. “Ew. No! Gross. Dude. That should be illegal!” We both laughed and I knocked my head against gently him a couple of times. “But, you’ll always be the love of my life, Ander. I mean that.”

  “Yeah. I don’t think Toph was thrilled by that.”

  “Topher gets us, babe. He knows what we are, he knows we’re a package deal. If he decides he can’t handle that, he knows where the door is.”

  “Just think about what I said, yeah?”

  “What about it?”

  “You and Topher.”

  “Why does it matter to you?”

  “Because you’re not the casual type. And, if you’re hesitating because of me, I don’t want that. If it’s him, then he’s getting a beating. If it’s something else… I hope you know you can talk to me.”

  “It’s okay,” I said, knowing what he was referring to. “I’m not going to fall in love with your brother.”

  “You can, you know…” he said softly.

  I cleared my throat and stood up, not wanting to go wherever this conversation might lead. “Yeah, I know. I can do whatever I want. But, I’m not going to.”

  “Ads–”

  “But,” I interrupted, not wanting to know what he was going to say, “I will talk to him about making this less casual. Happy?”

  Ander nodded. “Yeah. Happy.”

  I smiled at him and pulled him off the bed, and we went back to see what sort of trouble the other boys were getting up to.

  Chapter Nineteen

  “You guys look comfy,” Aunt Jelly said as she walked in.

  “Hey, Aunt Jel,” the boys all chorused.

  “Boys.” She smiled.

  “Have a good night, Jel?” Tate asked, looking her over.

  Aunt Jelly looked for a minute like she wasn’t sure what she was doing anymore. “Uh, yeah. Thanks. Not bad.” She nodded. “I’m for bed though, kiddos. I’ll see those of you left in the morning.”

  “See you tomorrow,” Tate said.

  “Night, Aunt Jel!” Derek yelled, throwing his fist in the air.

  “Night,” Will said, turning to her with a smile.

  “Ads. Lex.” I heard the smile in her voice.

  “Yeah, night,” Ander said with a vague wave I copied.

  Aunt Jelly nodded, “Night, then,” and went upstairs and we went back to our movie.

  We’d hauled ourselves out of the pool when it was dark, we were shivering, and everything about us was wrinkled. After taking turns in the shower, we then ordered pizza and watched movies. We were having a superhero binge – and, yes, we crossed universes; rebels for life unite – and I’d spent the last half a movie at least surreptitiously checking my phone and looking towards the front door because I was that sad girl who waited for the guy apparently.

  But, since Ander and my talk, I’d decided why not? I liked Topher. I really liked Topher. So, yeah, I had this thing about hating love and he was my best friend’s brother and a total dillweed, but I liked him. So, why not throw myself in? Why not see where it took me. Ander had been right, I wasn’t a casual person – despite my aversion to falling in love. I was the girl who wanted it all and I had to accept that that meant it might all come crashing down and crush me.

  Ander, the boys and I lived by go big or go home. And, I wasn’t going home. So, I was resolved. Terrified, but resolved.

  And, apparently, just as embarrassing as always.

  When Topher finally appeared with a nodded, “Hey,” I shot out of my chair.

  Everyone turned to look at me, obviously waiting for whatever it was I was presumably going to do or say. But, I didn’t do or say anything.


  “Good night?” Tate asked Topher.

  “Yeah.”

  “Get Nick laid?” Derek asked.

  Topher cracked a crooked grin. “I think so. If not, I did my best.”

  “Wicked,” Derek breathed.

  Topher looked at me, but I still didn’t say anything. “Okay. Well, I’m going to go change,” he said before starting upstairs.

  I didn’t move for I didn’t know how long. Then, Ander kicked my leg.

  “Ow!” I muttered.

  “Are you going to talk to him or not?” he hissed.

  “We’ll turn the sound up.” Derek winked and Ander and I both glared at him.

  “Not too loud, though. Or we’ll wake Aunt Jel,” Will said as though he was trying to be on my side, but was also trying to get in on the ‘let’s all tease Addy’.

  “Just go before I have to hear them come up with more innuendo. Yeah?” Ander said, kicking me again.

  “Stop that!”

  “Then, go!”

  I huffed. “Fine.”

  “Good luck,” all four of them chorused and I picked my way through our mess.

  I bumped into Topher just as he stepped off the last stair.

  “Do I want to know what you need luck for?” he asked, his lip quirking.

  I licked mine out of sheer nerves and reminded myself that wasn’t a heart attack pending, it was just me being unnecessary. “Um… I wanted to talk to you… If you’re not busy?”

  He blinked and I could tell he wasn’t sure if this was going in his favour or not. “Sure…”

  “Can we go upstairs?”

  He nodded, then indicated I lead the way. So, I did and I made a beeline for his room. Once he’d followed me in, I closed the door and started pacing.

  “Ads, you okay?”

  I nodded. “I will be. I just…” I paused my pacing to look at him, breathed out heavily, then continued. “You know how you asked me out? No more chosen bachelorhood or impending spinsterhood, an us? A proper us?”

  “Uh, yeah?” I didn’t blame him being confused.

  “I mean… Did you still want to do that?”

  “Did I–?”

  “I get if you don’t. I just–”

  “Ads,” he chuckled and took hold of my arms to make me stop and look at him, which I did and my heart fluttered like mad again. “What are you getting at here?”

  I swallowed. “I don’t want to do casual, Topher. If we’re going to do this, I want to do it properly. I hesitated before because I was worried about Ander and I wasn’t interested in risking love. But, I really like you and… If you’re the guy who breaks my heart, then you’re that guy. Dad said I just had to fall, so you better catch me, Christopher. If you don’t, so help me–”

  He kissed me and that effectively shut up me. I could guess what his answer was and my chest got this expanding feeling in it. But, I was still nervous as hell. It was like an excited nervous, where I felt all giggly and my heart raced and my stomach flip-flopped. Even Topher’s kiss didn’t distract me that time, and I think he could tell.

  He pulled back slowly with a question on his face.

  “I… I assume that’s a yes to my question?” I asked.

  He grinned. “What question was that?”

  I growled at him, but wasn’t actually upset. “Oh, you shit,” I laughed.

  “Of course, it’s a yes. You’re the only girl I want, Ads. As incompatible as we might seem,” he took my face in his hands, “you’re all I want.”

  Just then, it hit me why I was still feeling all nervous and unsure and excited. “Toph, I think I’m ready.”

  It took him a second to work out what I was saying, then his eyes widened. “Oh. Ads, you don’t have to–”

  “I know. But, I want to.”

  “I’m going to be honest, you don’t sound sure and I’m happy either way. I don’t expect anything. Nothing’s going to change if we don’t.”

  I nodded. “I know. But, I think I am. I mean, I reserve the right to change my mind–”

  “Always.”

  “–but, I want to have sex with you.”

  He nodded as his hand trailed down my body and came to rest on my waist. “Okay.”

  “I don’t… We don’t have it rush it…do we?”

  He shook his head. “I’m definitely not rushing this.”

  “So, we can take it slow.”

  “We can. And, any time you want to stop, just say the words.”

  “What if you’re already in–?”

  “Any time,” he said clearly. “If you get uncomfortable, we stop. There’s no ifs or buts about it.”

  I looked at him. “I get why all those girls at school want to sleep with you now.”

  He smiled. “Do you?”

  I nodded. “You’re actually really sweet.”

  “Sweet?” he snorted. “That’s not sweet, Ads. It’s common decency. Any guy who behaves otherwise is just an asshole.”

  “Yeah, I think you’ll find any teenage guy who’s not an asshole is sweet.”

  His nose wrinkled in pretend distaste. “Great.”

  “I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”

  His smile blew me away. “Thanks.”

  I reached up to kiss him and, what started out soft and slow turned flaming opposite mere seconds later. I took the bottom of his t-shirt in my hands and he obligingly helped me get it off him. Then, my fingers were in his hair and I felt his hands like firm, hot beacons even through my clothes. The next thing I knew, he’d picked me up, sat down on the side of his bed, then lain back against the pillows so I was lying on top of him.

  And, true to his word, he didn’t seem to feel any rush. We kissed as his hands ran over my body firmly and steadily, just exploring and sending little tingles through me. By the time his fingers slid under the hem of my jumper, it felt like the most natural thing in the world so I sat up and pulled it off, leaving me in my bra and tracksuit pants.

  He smiled as he sat up and kissed me again. “So far, so good?” he asked against my lips.

  I nodded. “All good.”

  “Good.”

  He kissed me like no one had ever kissed me before. And, yeah I know that only having kissed like five guys didn’t give me a whole lot of comparison. But, there was a feeling that went along with that that made it feel a hell of a lot more significant just then.

  Topher’s hands were on my ass and there was a decent amount of skin touching when there was a knock on his door.

  “Yeah?” Topher called, then leant his forehead to mine with that crooked smile.

  “Are you crashing with Kit tonight, Ads?” came Derek’s voice.

  I shared a surprised smile with Topher. “Uh, what?” I asked.

  “Are you crashing with Kit? Just, I called bags on the bed if you are, but Ander said Tate called dibs. But, I said you can’t call dibs before it happened. So, then I argued with Ander that I should–”

  “Does he do this often?” Topher asked as Derek was still yelling through the door.

  “What exactly?”

  “Just go on about whatever.”

  I nodded. “Yeah. It’s kind of his thing.”

  Topher laughed as he rolled us over.

  “So, what do you think?” Derek finally called.

  “About what?” I called back as Topher kissed my neck.

  “Can I have your spot or not?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Tell Tate, if he wants to argue about it, then feel free. But, unless I hear some–” I giggled as Topher’s lips trailed over my shoulder. “–decent arguments, you can have it.”

  I heard Derek cheer. “Sweet. Thanks, Ads. Bye, Kit!”

  “Bye, Gomez,” Topher called. “Is Hennessey coming up now to make his argument?” he asked me, looking at me like he dared me to say yes and discover the consequences.

  “No. Tate should know what’s good for him.”

  Topher’s lips we
nt back to their exploration. “Unless he wants the bed more than he knows what you’ll do to him if he comes up here.”

  I smiled. “Tate won’t actually care enough to get half way up the stairs, let alone face me. He just likes riling Derek up.”

  He nipped me gently and I giggled as my leg tightened around his hip instinctively. I felt his breath against my skin and goose bumps broke out across my body.

  “Shit, Ads…” He breathed out heavily again.

  He pressed one more kiss to my collarbone then his lips were on mine again and I was holding onto him tightly. And, from there on, things got a little hazy. It wasn’t rushed, but I just got completely swept away in it. Topher was warm and every touch made my breath hitch or my stomach flutter.

  When we were both naked and under the covers, he just kissed me, his hands never still, always roaming over my body igniting a pleasant tingle wherever he touched.

  “How are you feeling?” he asked, looking down at me.

  I ran my hands through his hair. “How am I meant to be feeling?”

  He smiled. “I don’t think you’re meant to be feeling any particular way.”

  “So, nervous but excited but terrified but happy are all totally legitimate?” I asked.

  He nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”

  “What was your first time like?” I asked him.

  He huffed a rueful laugh. “Ah, quick and awkward. Like I barely lasted a couple of minutes and…it was pretty standard I think.”

  “Oh, so Saint Basils’ Most Wanted wasn’t always a total Casanova?”

  “I didn’t know I was a total Casanova now. Exactly what does that entail?”

  “I don’t know. Something about all the girls wanting to sleep with you and thinking you’re really brilliant at it.”

  “Right. I don’t know about brilliant. I’ve checked up on your Hennessey’s rep, you know?”

  “Oh?”

  “Oh,” he agreed. “I think he’s slept with more girls than me.”

  I blinked. “Really?”

  He nodded. “Really. I’ve hooked up plenty, true. But, sex? Not that many.”

  “Huh.”

  “You’re surprised?”

  “A little.”