Prince Vance: The Story of a Prince with a Court in His Box

by Arlo Bates and Eleanor Putnam

  When he had finished his meal, which was eaten sitting on the grassbefore a chicken-pasty booth, he rose and asked the peasants politelythe way to the Funny Man's house.

  "The house is far away," they cried, "but the Funny Man is here at theFair if you can only find him. You can't always find him."

  "This is the Funny Man," cried a jolly gay voice. "This is I! Here I be.Why don't you catch me?"

  XIII

  Vance looked, and saw, dodging and hopping about behind a neighboringbooth, a fat little man dressed in green and hung all over withfluttering ribbons and jingling bells. He looked so lively and merrythat at first sight the Prince was quite charmed with him; but he soonthought that his looks were far more agreeable than his behavior, forthe Funny Man would neither stop to speak nor to listen, but keptrunning and dodging about and hiding behind booths or groups ofpeasants, so that the Prince was in despair about ever finding out fromhim where the Crushed Strawberry Wizard lived.

  "I want to speak to you, if you please," cried the Prince. "I havesomething which I must say to you; I really must."

  "Catch me, then!" cried the Funny Man. "Chase me! Run after me! Whoop!Now you see me, and now you don't! Hurrah for me and my legs!"

  Away dashed the Funny Man, and away scampered the angry Prince inpursuit of him. But Vance soon found it to be of no use in the world totry to capture so swift a runner; so he stopped, hot and breathless andweary, while all the peasants held their sides to prevent theirsplitting with laughter, and cried,--

  "Hurrah for the Funny Man!"

  "Do you give it up?" asked the Funny Man, as Vance seated himself by hisbox and wiped his heated forehead.

  "Of course I do," answered the Prince, crossly. "I should think you'd beashamed of yourself. Why do you want to act so, anyway?"

  "For the fun of it afterward," replied the Funny Man.

  Now that at last he was standing still, the Prince perceived that hisnose was of a most peculiar and curious fashion. It was not only oflarge size and green in color, but it ended in a long and slender pipe,something like a stick of macaroni, which was twisted up for ornament orconvenience into a sort of figure eight.

  "For the fun of it afterward," repeated the Funny Man.

  "Well," said the Prince, "I should say that it couldn't be any greatfun, in the first place, to be a grown-up man like you, and it certainlycan be no fun whatever afterward."

  "Oh," rejoined the Funny Man, "that's only one of my queer sayings, youknow. It doesn't really mean anything. By the by, what did you want ofme?"

  "A friend of mine who was a jelly-fish," began the Prince, "told me toask you how I should find the Crushed Strawberry Wizard."

  "Pooh!" cried the Funny Man, turning rapidly on the ends of his pointedtoes. "I don't care about doing that. Why should I? There's no fun init. Stop a minute, though! Is that _all_ the jelly-fish said? You aresure he said nothing more, not a word?"

  "Nothing that meant anything," replied the Prince. "He said 'Flubaloo'as he left me."

  "No!" exclaimed the Funny Man, turning rather pale. "Did he really,though? If he did, that puts matters in a very different light, a veryserious light. Come home with me, and in the morning I'll set you off onthe right road. Hurry! for we have a good distance to go, and 'tis aroundabout way."

  Following the lead of the Funny Man, the Prince found himself once moreupon the high-road, along which they journeyed until late in theafternoon, when their path suddenly plunged deep into the forest.

  "Wait a minute!" said the Funny Man; "I must light my nose."

  "Do what?" asked the astonished Prince.

  "Light my nose, Stupid!" replied his guide.

  The Prince said no more, but looked on in silent amazement while theFunny Man untwisted the figure eight at the point of his nose, andremoved a small copper cap which covered the end. He then struck a matchand applied it to the bottom of this macaroni-like tube. A light like alarge star at once appeared, and shed its yellow beams about so widelyas to make the gloomy forest-road as light as day.

  "Excuse me for speaking of it," said the Prince, politely, "but that's astrange sort of nose you have."

  "Not at all," answered the Funny Man, carelessly; "very common in theseparts,--very common, indeed. Simply a sort of slow-match; grows in thedaytime as much as it burns away at night. Come on! I'm going to run,and you must catch me. Hurrah! Now you see me and now you don't!"

  Alas for the poor Prince! it was mostly "don't." The light flickered anddanced ahead of him like a will-o'-the-wisp, and was often lostentirely; while the tired boy, burdened with his cumbersome box,hastened after as best he might, stumbling and tumbling over stones andtough roots, splashing through miry places and running violently againsttree-trunks, till just as he was ready to sink down in despair and lethis unpleasant companion go where he would, he came suddenly upon theFunny Man resting upon the gate of a curious little house, and laughingwith great glee at the race he had led the Prince.

  "Here we are," said the Funny Man; "come in! My wife's at home, and I'veno doubt supper's all ready except the seasoning. I always season thingsmyself, because I'm something of an epicure."

  As he spoke, he led the way into the house, having put out his light andonce more wound his nose up into its figure eight.

  XIV

  The room in which the Prince found himself was bright and cheery, andthe table was laid for supper. The wife of the Funny Man was rather amournful-looking woman, which the Prince privately thought was by nomeans to be wondered at. She had a somewhat peculiar and startlingappearance, from the fact that her head was twisted completely round onher body, so that she faced the wrong way.

  "Curious effect, isn't it?" asked the Funny Man, as he observed that thePrince was staring at his wife. "I did it one day for a joke, and thebest part of it all is that I have forgotten the charm to bring herround right again."

  "Does she think it is a joke?" asked the Prince.

  "As to that," replied the Funny Man, indifferently, "I don't know,because I never asked her, and I certainly do not care one way oranother."

  "?reppus ot nwod tis ot uoy esaelp ti lliW" said the woman, after theFunny Man had busied himself a few moments with the dishes.

  Vance stared in confusion, but the Funny Man seemed quite used to thisodd way of speaking.

  "Her talk is all hind-side before," he explained, chuckling, "since Iturned her head about. Sit down! Supper is ready."

  They all sat down. The unfortunate woman faced the wall behind her, andtherefore she was a little awkward in ladling the soup. However, thatwas a slight affair, and Vance was far too famished to be particular.The pottage gave forth a most appetizing odor, and the Prince hastilyplunged in his spoon and began to eat. He had not taken a fair tastebefore he stopped eating with a terribly wry face. The soup was bittererthan gall.

  "Don't you like the seasoning?" snickered the Funny Man. "Now, come,that's too bad, when I thought 'twould be just to your liking!"

  Too angry to speak, the Prince snatched a glass of water and drank, onlyto find it scalding hot and full of salt.

  "Try a bit of venison pasty," urged his host, pleasantly. "No morefooling, on my word!"

  "?opiH, enola dlihc roop eht tel uoy t'nac yhW" asked the wife, whoseemed to be as kind-hearted as could be expected of one so twisted.

  The Prince, however, had already tasted of the pasty, which provedhotter than fire with red pepper. So it was with everything on thetable. Nothing was fit to eat. The ragout was full of pins and needles,the wine was drugged with nauseous herbs, the cakes were stuffed withcotton; and the Prince cracked his teeth instead of the almonds, whichwere cleverly made out of stone.

  All this nonsense was very bitter to the hungry Prince, as you maysuppose; but as for the Funny Man, he was quite wild with delight. Herolled over and over on the floor, and the tears of joy streamed downhis cheeks at the success of his jokes.

  "This is the best fun I've had for months," he cried. "This is joy! Thisis true happiness!"


  "A very poor sort of happiness," the Prince said ruefully. "I think Iwill go to bed."

  Alas! here things were just as bad. As the Prince entered his chamber abucket of ice-cold water, balanced above, fell down and drenched him tothe skin. His bed was full of eels and frogs; and when the poor boytried to get a nap in a chair a tame owl and a pair of pet bats flappedtheir wings in his face and tweaked his nose and ears. At the earliestpeep of dawn the tortured Prince shouldered his box and left hischamber.

  Sitting on the balustrade, whittling, was the host.

  XV

  "Good-morning!" said the Funny Man, politely. "I hope you slept well."

  "I did not sleep at all," replied the Prince, hotly; "and of course youknew I wouldn't."

  "That was the joke, you know," the Funny Man chuckled, pocketing hisknife and preparing to lead the way to the breakfast-table.

  The Prince, however, had no mind for another feast like that of thenight before; so he resisted all urging and started forth.

  "Don't miss the way!" said the Funny Man, who seemed to be much castdown because the Prince would not stay to breakfast. "Cross the stream,you know, than climb a red stile, and there you are on the straightroad. If ever I come your way I'll make you a visit. I've taken a fancyto you."

  "That's more than I've done to you," muttered Vance, as he trudged away.

  He was very angry indeed with the Funny Man, and yet he had anunpleasant remembrance of a time, not so very far away, when he himselfwas the terror of the entire palace on account of his fondness forplaying cruel jokes upon others.

  The road was rough, the sun was hot, and the Prince was so famished thathe was glad to devour a couple of apples which had fallen from the cartof a peasant bound for market. Still Vance cheered himself with thethought that his troubles were about to end. He was now near the home ofthe Crushed Strawberry Wizard; so he pressed on till mid-afternoon, onlystopping once when he came upon some pears growing upon a stunted treeby the roadside. They were small, crabbed, and stony; but the hungryPrince was glad enough to gather a number and eat them seated in thepear-tree's scanty shade. As to the Court, it was quite a relief toVance to remember that the peasants at the fair had provided thebaby-house with cakes and bonbons enough to last for many days.

  "After all," the Prince said to himself, as he once more trudgedalong,--"after all, they have a far easier time of it than I. I don'tthink I should much mind being little myself if I could have as good atime as they do."

  Toward the middle of the afternoon the Prince reached a dark wood intowhich his road seemed to lead him. He had not walked far before he hearda sound as of somebody sobbing, and also a curious clashing noise as ofcymbals striking together. These sounds became more and more distinct asthe Prince kept on; and at last he came to a small monkey who was seatedin a low juniper-tree, weeping most bitterly and now and then smitingits hands together in sorrow. The hands of the monkey, being of metal(as indeed was the creature's entire body), produced, as they beattogether, the cymbal-like sounds which the Prince had heard.

  "What is the matter?" asked the Prince, as the monkey continued to weepwithout paying any attention whatever to him.

  The monkey, looking up, wiped its eyes upon a small lace handkerchiefwhich was already quite damp enough.

  "I am so miserable," it sighed. "Did you never hear folk say it was coldenough to freeze the tail off a brass monkey? I am the brass monkey.They mean me; they mean my tail."

  "But it never has been cold enough to freeze your tail off," said thePrince, consolingly.

  "No," replied the monkey, wretchedly; "but then I'm always afraid itwill be, and that's just as bad. Oh, what a world this is!"

  The monkey upon this fell to weeping more bitterly than before, and thePrince sneezed violently three times.

  "There!" exclaimed the monkey, dismally; "now you're taking cold becauseI'm so damp with crying."

  "Oh, never mind that!" replied the Prince, politely. "It really doesn'tmatter. A good sneeze is really quite refreshing."

  "That reminds me," said the monkey, "that I was sent to tell you to goback again; this isn't the road."

  "Not the--" began the Prince, looking puzzled.

  "Road," finished the monkey, beginning to cry once more. "To the CrushedStrawberry Wizard's, you know. You have just come back by another waynearly to the Castle of Bogarru, where the giant lives. The Funny Mantold you wrong."

  "Told me wrong!" repeated the poor Prince, now thoroughly discouraged.

  "Yes," said the monkey, "for a joke, you know. Oh, my beautiful brasstail! What a world this is!"

  "This is the very worst and meanest joke of the whole!" cried thePrince.

  He shivered at the idea of being once more near the castle of theterrible giant; and then he remembered the weary miles he had travelledthat day under the burning sun, and thinking of these things he couldhave wept with right good-will, had it not been that the brass monkeyhad already made quite a pool of tears, and Vance was afraid of causinga flood.

  "You must go back the way you came," said the monkey, wringing the tearsfrom its handkerchief. "It will take you longer than it did to come,because now it will be night. At daybreak you will see three silverbirches in a meadow; then climb the hedge and follow a row of largewhite stones till you come to a green stile; after this the path isstraight to the Crushed Strawberry Wizard's door. You cannot miss it."

  "If this is true," said the Prince, "I am a thousand times obliged toyou. But are you quite certain that this, too, is not a joke?"

  "Oh, my jointed brass body!" cried the monkey, mournfully. "Now, do Ilook like a joker? I never made a joke in my life, never."

  "I should be only too glad," said the Prince, as he turned to go, "to dosomething to cheer you up, if I might."

  "Oh, no!" wailed the monkey; "nobody can do anything. Besides, I like tobe miserable; it is the only comfort I have. Go! it is getting darkerevery minute. Oh, my brass toes and fingers, what a world this is!"

  At this the monkey wept so violently that Vance had to give up all ideaof thanking him or even of saying good-by; so he contented himself byturning and hastening back along the path by which he had come.

  XVI

  Nearly all night the Prince kept on over the stony road. When the skygrew gray, he took a short nap under a thorny hedge, and by sunrise hewas once more on his way. On his right, in a beautiful green field, hesaw to his great delight three silver birches, their branches rustlinglightly in the morning wind.

  Vance climbed the hedge and walked on steadily, being guided, as themonkey had promised, by a seemingly endless row of pure white stones. Atnoon he came upon a green stile, but it was so crooked that the Princethought he could more easily climb the hedge than get over it. As hedrew nearer he perceived a curious little man, who appeared to behunting for something in the grass at the foot of the stile. He was agood-natured-looking old man; but his head, body, arms, and legs, evenhis features, were twisted so that nothing about him was fair orstraight. He greeted the Prince very kindly, however, and invited him tosit down by the brook and share his luncheon of bread and cheese. This,you may imagine, the famished Prince was only too glad to do.

  "You've heard, perhaps," said the stranger, "of the crooked man whowalked a crooked mile and found a crooked sixpence against a crookedstile? I am the man. I haven't found the sixpence yet, but hope to do sosoon. I want to warn you, when you reach the Crushed StrawberryWizard's, not to speak until he has spoken, or you'll spoil the charmfor ten years."

  "How good you are!" exclaimed the Prince, gratefully. "How terrible if,after all my journeying, I had spoilt the charm! Can I do anything foryou? I will help hunt for the sixpence if you like, or I will beg theWizard to untwist you."

  "Oh, never mind!" returned the Crooked Man, cheerfully. "As to thesixpence, I must find that myself; and as to my crookedness, a whirlwinddid it and a whirlwind must undo it. I don't mind. You see, I do notfeel as badly as I look."

  Thanking the kind little man once more for his l
uncheon and his goodadvice, Vance started off merrily through the beech-wood, feeling thathis toilsome journey was truly drawing to an end at last. The birdssang, the brook babbled cheerfully beside him, and the breeze broughthim sweet odors from a thousand flowers. Just at sunset the Prince leftthe wood, and came into a small open glade where the grass was like coolgreen velvet to his feet, and a crystal fountain splashed in the midstof a bed of flowers. Here Vance beheld a curious pink house shaped likean enormous strawberry; and before the door, busily making tatting, wasa strange-looking person, all of a pinkish magenta color even to hishair, and wearing a gown and pointed hat of the same unpleasant hue.

  Prince Vance had found the Crushed Strawberry Wizard at last.

  XVII

  It was well that Vance had been warned by the Crooked Man not to speakfirst, as he certainly would have done so, for in truth the CrushedStrawberry Wizard did not appear to be at all a talkative sort of man.He did indeed look up as Vance came near and put down his box; but hesaid nothing, and closing his eyes, went on making tatting in silence.

  Vance stood on one foot awhile, and then on the other. He counted thewhite doves upon the peaked roof, and watched a small old lady who wasgathering herbs in the tiny garden beside the house; but he was verycareful not to speak. At last his patience was rewarded. The Wizardopened his eyes and spoke.