Missy Loves René

by Judy Fischer

“Irma, I will go for a walk, I’ll see you back here soon,” I said.

  My mind was preoccupied with Larry’s dilemma. I wondered if René would jump at the offer if it were offered to him. I figured, it all really depended on the chemistry between the two of them. If they needed to spend hours upon hours sitting side by side in the truck, they would have to have some sort of comradery between them. I walked along the beach, carrying the burden of those thoughts along with me.

  Larry said he was going to return by Christmas, bringing René back, either having loved the experience and wanting the same lifestyle as Larry or hating it and me for having encouraged him to accept the offer. Either way, the end result would affect my life. I was already sorry for not having minded my own business.

  The more I walked, the more upset I got with myself. René was not the best partner in life, but I had always hoped one day we would find our way toward the kind of love I had imagined long time ago, when I first fell in love with him. I knew my casual feelings for Michael had only been a way to cope with René’s rejection. Although my advances were subtle, I had never intended to lose track of whom I really cared for.

  The thought really messing with my mind and throwing me into a spin was, one day René would not need me anymore and all my efforts to woe him would have been in vain. Sure, he would always be grateful for having been saved by a foolish girl who sat listening to his truly sad story, but I would never, ever reap the benefits of my selfless act. I guess, deep down inside, I had always known a scenario such as that was possible and likely.

  What does ‘unconditional’ really mean, and were my feelings for René ever that? Can human beings ever give that kind of love or, worse, expect it from someone else? I walked back to the house battling that question, never feeling satisfied with any of my answers.

  Sidekick

  Dinner was already and twice warmed up by the time everyone came back from the day’s escapades. They all arrived at the same time, as they had all taken the same car. When everyone was at the supper table, Larry was introduced and became the recipient of everyone’s special story about his own deep-sea adventures.

  The description of the size of the fish they sparred with became bigger with the different versions of the same story. Of course, David had caught the biggest, strongest and most relentless of them all. We cheered for their bravery and their manhood. They most certainly earned the title that day.

  The shopping stories of Sally and Sheila went unheard, except perhaps when they had told David the amount they spent. No one noticed the menu, they all just ate and talked incessantly. I had persuaded René to sit at the table while I served the dinner. I knew he had spent a day in the company of people who were like aliens to him. I encouraged him to sit next to Larry instead, so a bond could develop between them. I was not surprised when I saw them relax and enjoy each other’s company. Larry was the kind of free spirit who René could identify with and did.

  The beer started to flow again, but this time the fire pit was avoided. They sat instead on the back porch facing the open waters of the ocean. The men who were on the boat all day were struggling to regain their land legs and I wasn’t sure if the blame for falling all over the place was not really because of the beer they were all enjoying. They all blamed the rough waters.

  Larry enjoyed a few bottles of beer too but because he was intending to leave the following day, he showed serious restraint. When René was introduced to Larry before dinner was served, both men had an immediate and positive attraction toward each other without knowing anything else about each other’s lives. They tried to talk during their meal, but the others did not allow any other topics to be shared other than those about the fishing trip.

  When they gathered outside, Larry made sure to grab a seat right next to René, as I suggested. Irma too played her past well by giving René the night off. She was well aware that if René accepted Larry’s offer, he would have to pack and be ready to leave early the following morning.

  “René, I hear you are from Montreal,” Larry said to René but looked over to me.

  “Yes, I was born and raised there, have you ever visited the city?”

  “Often. I truck there often. You know I am a truck driver?”

  “No, really? That’s awesome,” René was truly showing interest.

  “Yes, it’s me and the highway. It gets lonesome at times but there is nothing better than the open roads and the freedom that comes with it. Have you ever travelled in a truck, René?”

  “No, I just arrived here by car. It was my first road trip.”

  “Listen, René. I have a proposition for you,” Larry didn’t waste any time, he needed an answer as quickly as he could get one.

  “I am due to haul a truckload to Toronto from Richmond and I am looking for a sidekick. The job pays really well, and the lucky person will have the pleasure of my company for two weeks. I will be joining my sister and all of you here for Christmas. I will be back here by then. Are you interested in the job, René?” Larry said and sounded hopeful.

  René looked over to me, I was serving coffee by then to all the men who had drunk way too much beer and were in desperate need of caffeine to help them to walk back to their rooms. I smiled at René, knowing exactly why he looked my way. I had been silently watching Larry persuading him to join him on the road, as we had discussed earlier. I wanted René to make his own decision and not wait for my approval or disapproval. I decided it was his call and his call alone.

  He walked over and gave me a hand with the coffee and followed me to the kitchen when everyone had a big mug of coffee in their hands. Michael kept winking at me but I knew he and his facial twitches were under the beer’s influence.

  “Missy, Larry offered me a great job. I would like to take him up on it. What do you think?” it was René’s way of asking for permission.

  “I think you must do what you think is right for you,” I said.

  “Will you be angry with me if I go?”

  “I will miss you, yes, but I will not be angry. I will see you at Christmas.” I choked back the tears.

  He gave me a big hug and returned to Larry’s side. My heart started to ache and all of a sudden, I experienced this tremendous feeling of loss. René had once become my sidekick and now I was about to lose him to someone else who needed him in that same role.

  The night activities ended abruptly, and everyone scurried back to their own quarters, feeling the effects of overexposure, being under the sun all day. I knew from what I saw that night, many would not be attending the breakfast service the following morning.

  René and I returned to our cottage and he was having a hard time containing his excitement. I helped him pack his suitcase and we stayed up all night talking about and anticipating his imminent journey.

  “Will you miss me, Missy?” he asked.

  “I will, René. I will miss you every day. Please take care of yourself. I love you,” I told him as I held back my tears.

  We dozed off for what seemed like seconds until I heard a knock on the front door, early the next morning.

  “René? Are you ready?” Larry was whispering loudly enough for us to hear. René jumped up, washed his face and brushed his teeth before running out the door, giving me a quick sisterly kiss on the way.

  The two of them snuck away as quietly as they could, in an 18-wheeler rig whose engine sounded almost like a jet engine on a Boeing 737. But there were no stirrings from anyone, except Rufus, who started to bark at the noise.

  I stood leaning on the frame of my front door, watching the truck disappear out of my sight and I waved to them with regret. Everything had happened so fast. The umbilical cord tying me to René for two years was finally snipped and I stood there with a bleeding heart, feeling the emptiness as far down as possible, into my empty womb. I felt sorry for myself but happy for him. Those years together had made me form a certain dependency on René. It was neither healthy for me nor for him. Having Larry come into our lives was a good thing at
the right time. I was going to have nearly one month to try to convince myself of that.

  Solo

  I went back to bed, five o’clock in the morning was too early to start preparing breakfast for people who had partied all night and wouldn’t want to see the light of day till much later. Going back into a house without René, however, was strange. The bed next to mine lay empty, only the scent of his cologne still lingered in the air and wherever I looked, I was expecting to see his smiling face and his unusually long curly hair.

  His book was still opened to the page he had last read, lying on the table next to his bed. The tears streaming from my eyes did not relieve the immense ache I was feeling. I was missing him already, realizing he was gone indeed.

  Sleep did not come back to me that morning, so I decided to distract myself by going for the usual jog along the beach. I knew t no one would be following me that day, the whole compound was under quarantine, it seemed, from the terrible disease of hangovers, sunburns and/ or alcohol poisoning.

  Rufus, who was already awakened by the engine noise of the rig, was happy to see me when I emerged from my cottage and gladly followed me down to the shore. The darkness of the night was gradually being eliminated by the sun creeping up from the horizon. I had never run in the dark before, I never came outside before sunrise. The sight was surreal. The bluish rays of the moon and the orange hue of the sunrays were riding the waves together, like two lovers dancing a seductive tango.

  I ran toward the south, not interested in seeing the sandbar which had become a place of reckless indulgence. I wanted only to imagine René’s face in my thoughts, at least while the wound of missing him was still tender.

  Rufus and I ran. I was caught up in my own deep thoughts and he was jumping and trying to catch the waves that came rolling under my feet and his paws. He was always somewhere behind, making sure not to lose track of me. We ran till we could run no longer. I stopped and tried to catch my breath and my composure. I wanted to return to Irma’s kitchen without any signs of unhappiness plastered on my face. Irma had seen my eagerness for René to take Larry’s offer; she would not have understood if I was suddenly feeling differently about it.

  I turned and began my return run, trying to cheer myself up along the way and to find the good mood I usually owned in the presence of others. I knew the Roberts family was counting on my smiley disposition to brighten their day.

  By the time Rufus and I were nearing the property, the sun was already shining and lighting up our way. The first face we both saw was Michael’s. It made Rufus’ tail wag uncontrollably and my heart to flutter a little. He was so handsome and charming that for a second, I lost my thoughts of loneliness. His hand reached out to me and I took it readily. We walked back toward the house together.

  “I heard René left with Larry this morning, are you very sad?” he asked. His sensitivity was honest and pure, no ulterior motive was evident.

  “I do miss him, but I am happy for him,” I said.

  “We will have more time together, now,” he added shyly.

  “Yes. We could.”

  “I will find time for you, Missy, you look so lonely. I want to cheer you up,” he said it in such a compassionate way that it warmed my heart dearly. I just didn’t want to mislead him or to take advantage of his interest and his good nature.

  Technically, I still belonged to René, a status I had self-imposed. We had been joined together by circumstance because I had wanted to bring him out of a hopeless situation. Now that his future looked more promising and as we had never committed our lives together through sexual bonding, the time was slowly coming to the point when we would have to part ways, at least emotionally. We would always be friends, that, I knew with conviction, but I yearned to be in a relationship in which I could give all of myself to someone. Michael was never going to be the recipient of my love, he had always been a mere source of ego boosting.

  I then made a promise to myself. I would leave Fred and Irma’s after the Christmas celebrations and find my place in the world, as I had promised my Nana. I owed it to myself to become the person I knew I wanted to be. Without René.

  The departure of René stirred my soul to the brink of despair. After the breakfast ordeal, I begged Irma to refer me to the pastor she had mentioned a while back.

  “Please, Irma, I think now is the time. I would like to talk with your friend, Father Williams.”

  “OK. I’ll call him later today and set up an appointment for you. Do you want him to come out here?”

  “Well, if possible, I would like to see him in private, without the eyes of the Roberts family watching.”

  “OK. I’ll see if he can see you in his office or at a café, somewhere in Hampton.”

  “Thank you, Irma.” Then we got back to the preparations for the evening meal which was going to be a BBQ on the fire grill. The men had moved the grill from the patio to the beach right after the morning meal.

  Irma called Father Williams later, during the rest period. We looked forward daily to that quiet time. We insisted everyone respect that holy time of the day. Only in cases of disastrous situations, we had demanded, were we to be disturbed.

  I was heading back to my place when Irma shouted after me,

  “He’ll see you tomorrow afternoon, in town, at the Café du Monde, at two o’clock. You can take the Rover.”

  “Thank you, Irma. I’ll see you later,” I shouted back.

  I went back to my room and grabbed the typewriter, a portable one, easy to carry. I took it to the porch at the side of my cottage, facing west, hoping the sun would not arrive there until much later in the day. There was a comfortable chair with a pillow on the seat and a straight back giving enough support to sit for a long time without ending up with a sore back. I made myself comfortable and started to write. I had started to write a story, a love story between two unlikely individuals who met under false pretences. I had written many pages by then and the storyline was developing in an interesting way.

  I sat there for a long time, not realizing time had passed so quickly. The sun started to burn my eyelids and doing that, it brought me back to the reality of my existence. The story I was writing had taken me to another world and time. and coming back from there was difficult. I glanced at my watch and packed up my papers and the typewriter to hurry over to the main house, where Irma and Fred were already waiting for my help.

  The rest of the day gave me the distraction I needed to keep my mind off missing René. Even Fred seemed to be lost without his helper and friend. Irma still had me, but Fred just roamed around the property haphazardly, looking for things to do. It was funny seeing him talking to himself and attempting to hide the fact that he missed René’s company. We were all glad to finally start the dinner activities, filling the emptiness with diversions rather than missing René.

  We had a variety of meats to barbecue on the open grill and the other side dishes came freshly out of the oven in the kitchen. Irma and I took turns bringing out the platters of food. Everyone sat on beach chairs and devoured their chosen grub. When the sun went down, Bob started a bonfire and the Roberts family sat around it, singing silly campfire songs. They made us all laugh.

  Mentor

  Until the age of 18, I had never been mature enough to ask for help. When I found myself unable to cope with a life situation, I always turned on the tears to cope with either the sorrow, frustration or anger. Asking to see Father Williams took a special kind of courage I had to dig deep for. Growing up as an only child, I was forced to depend on my own resources to handle everyday dilemmas and emotional stresses. My need to talk with someone professional or spiritual had come from a necessity to deal with a problem I knew nothing about. Irma had pointed out to me that I had a relationship with René needing a special type of therapy. She was the one who recommended her pastor to me. I was hoping Father Williams had the kind of insight and compassion to help me work out my dependency issues and my unusual love for René.

  I didn’t dare
to go for my morning run the day of my scheduled meeting with the pastor because I didn’t want a possible encounter with Michael to cloud my mind, my thoughts or my emotions. Michael had an interesting effect on me, he put me into a euphoric trance, one I enjoyed. However, it messed with my head. I wanted to be clearheaded in order to discuss my problems from a realistic stance.

  I put on my best face in front of the group at breakfast and tried to make light of my nervous condition. Irma looked at me a few times, trying to make me feel better and she certainly understood why I was behaving as I was. The rest of the group had no awareness of my situation, maybe only Michael, who was eyeing me all morning at the breakfast table. I tried my best not to make eye contact with him, even though I craved for his compassionate stare. Michael did appeal to a part of me and I had started to develop a stronger-than-like feeling for him.

  As we cleared the table, I made an impulsive announcement in front of everyone. I don’t know why I did that. To this day, I regret it immensely.

  “I am going into town this afternoon to pick up some groceries. If anyone wants a ride, I will be glad to take you.” It was meant for everyone and then perhaps it was a subconscious cry for attention.

  I only made the hasty comment because I didn’t necessarily want to travel by myself. I wanted to be kept company, by someone, anyone, who was available. I wasn’t aiming my invitation to anyone in particular, I was ready to drive with any member of the Roberts family who had a reason for wanting or needing a ride to Hampton.

  The first and only person who put up their hand to indicate an interest was Michael.

  “I would like to go if you are taking passengers. I have to get something at the drugstore. What time will you be leaving?” he asked politely and with hope in his tone.

  I was, and in some ways I wasn’t surprised about his interest; however, I had to explain to him later in the car that I was going to be occupied with my own chores and that there wouldn’t be any shenanigans during the outing. It was going to be, ‘You do your thing, and I’ll do my thing, and then we’ll meet afterward.’