Johnathan sat on the couch beside her ready to listen. “Sometimes, people
don’t know how to accept someone different from them. And it scares
them.”
“Like Auntie Sandra?” Michelle asked.
“Exactly.” Carina smiled, knowing that was the easiest part to
explain.
“Aunt Sandra thinks Tia can make you a lesbian?” Rina questioned.
Carina pursed her lips, knowing this conversation might not go as
easily as she expected. “No one can turn someone into a lesbian. You can…
help someone discover themselves and realize they like dating someone
different than what they’re use to.”
“So, Tia helped you discover you like girls?” Johnathan asked,
looking confused by his own question.
Carina shook her head. “Honey. What you guys walked in on was
purely innocent. We had a sleep over.” There was nothing more between
Tia and her than friendship. Carina couldn’t picture being with anyone.
“I have sleepovers too, Mom. That didn’t look like a normal
sleepover,” Rina objected.
“Tia and I are only friends, honey. I promise you. If I ever felt ready
to be with anyone, I’d let you guys know.”
“And if it’s Tia?” Rina asked.
Carina was about to say it never would be, but that felt like a lie. She
didn’t know what she truly felt, but when she was ready to feel for someone
other than her husband, she’d figure it out. “Honey, right now, it’s no one. I
do hope you three don’t treat Tia differently for what happened this
morning.”
“We won’t, Mom,” Rina said. She looked uncomfortable.
“But, I don’t get why she doesn’t like Tia.” Michelle shrugged her
little shoulders. “Everyone loves Tia. Daddy loved Tia.”
Carina was grateful to have open minded kids. She kissed Michelle’s
cheek. “As long as we love Tia, that’s what matters.” Her daughter was
talking again and that was because of Tia. Whatever was happening
between her and Tia, there was no need to define it. Carina had a lot to
work on and she still thought of Bruce every day. She might never let a day
pass without thinking of him.
*
“Mrs. Simpson.”
Carina turned, finding the supervisor of the station approaching. She
smiled and waved, being polite. Bruce had gone out for drinks with the guy
a few times. It was a little after 5:30pm, the sky darkening.
“Did you need something?” he asked.
An ambulance pulled out of the garage, freshly washed and dripping
water, and Carina searched for Tia in the driver’s seat. It was a man parking
it out front of the ambulance bay.
Carina pointed to the ambulance. “I came to see Tia,” she clarified.
“Oh.” He smiled, looking off toward the garage. “Here she comes
now.” His puzzled expression didn’t go unnoticed. “Have a good night,
Mrs. Simpson.”
He’d said her last name as if to remind her of who she was and who
she belonged to. Carina smirked, finding it exhausting how so many people
found it weird for her and Tia to be so close, as if she was supposed to end
their connection the moment Bruce died.
Carina walked to the ambulance, knocking on the door and opening it.
Tia sat inside, going through her phone. “So…you didn’t lose it?” Carina
shook her head, disappointed, and climbed in. “For someone who says she
doesn’t want to lose us, you sure do know how to disappear.”
“Carina, I—”
Not in the mood to hear an excuse, Carina lifted her hand. “Don’t.”
She took in all the supplies they carried in the back of the rig. She could
never understand how they knew where everything was in the time of an
emergency with little to no time to search for things. Carina ran the tip of
her thumb across her lips, trying to come up with a better way to say what
she felt. She could hear Tia cracking her knuckles and reached over, taking
her hand and resting it on her lap. She didn’t like seeing Tia anxious or
overwhelmed, but she knew they needed to have this conversation.
Carina looked to her, frowning from how quickly Tia lowered her
head. She didn’t want to waste time figuring that out. “It’s been a week. The
kids are asking about you. What are you going to tell them?”
“What?” Tia didn’t seem to register what she was asking.
“I’m not going to be the one to tell them you no longer want to see
them.”
Tia slumped back into the seat. She lifted her foot to the edge of the
gurney, fear and anger merging in her chest. “Carina, I don’t have time for
this. I start my shift in 15 minutes.”
“I’m sorry. You ignore all my calls and texts. If you want to end
things because my sister freaked you out, or I did something to make you
feel uncomfortable, fine. But I’m not going to keep doing this back and
forth. We must stop this. If you want to end our friendship and stop seeing
the kids…you brave up and tell them yourself.” Every word rushed out with
a mix of anxiety and sadness. Carina stepped out of the ambulance, leaving
quickly so she wouldn’t be seen crying.
Carina didn’t know why she cared so much. A big part of her coming
here was for her kids, but Carina couldn’t deny that it was for herself too.
Chapter Ten
Tia
Tia had screwed up royally. She’d been doing that a lot, not sure of
her place in Carina’s life. And the confusion she felt was an outright
punishment to the kids. After Carina’s visit a few nights ago, Tia had spent
most of her spare time analyzing her future.
For once, she needed to make a choice and stick with it. It was the
only reason she hadn’t contacted Carina since. She wasn’t in high school.
That time had long passed. Communication was the key to keeping any
relationship alive.
“You okay there, partner?” Joe walked up, carrying two coffees in his
hand. He handed her one and she leaned against the side of the ambulance.
It was toward the end of their shift.
Tia had been trying to open up to the idea of having Joe as a partner.
He was patient, much longer than she expected.
“Is it about that lady that came by a few nights ago?” Joe asked. Tia
said nothing and he continued. “She your girlfriend or something?”
Tia looked at him, confused as to how he knew about her sexuality. It
wasn’t a secret, but she never said anything.
He smiled. “People gossip.”
“Of course they do,” she mumbled.
“So…”
Here was her shot to try. Tia sighed and took a sip of her coffee.
“She’s—she was my partner Bruce’s wife.” For some reason, Tia was
scared to look up, ready to be judged. Not that Tia and Carina’s friendship
was wrong, but some people thought it was suspicious. Perhaps that’s why
Tia was hesitant in opening up further to Carina, feeling shame in their
connection.
His brow perked up. It was obvious he wanted to know more.
“She’s always been a friend. Not like now! Before, I only saw her
through Bruce. There were no girl’s nights out.” Tia s
tarted to crack her
knuckles, nervous about how much to share. “It’s complicated.”
Joe pursed his lips and shrugged. “Complicated,” he repeated as if
trying to determine its meaning. He drank some of his coffee and smiled.
“Then uncomplicate it.”
He walked around the ambulance and got inside. She stared
dumbfounded by his response. She’d finally opened up and that’s all he had
to say. She stood there for some time, pondering how she could
uncomplicate things.
Carina said she needed to live in the moment. All Tia could think
about was Bruce and the loss his family endured every day. But that was the
problem. She couldn’t get past the sadness of not having him around,
daydreaming about what he’d do on a specific call or how he’d be excited
for Halloween. Bruce was gone. Saying his name in the present tense
wouldn’t change that. Carina and the kids couldn’t afford to linger in the
past.
No longer could she do the same.
*
“Thanks, for letting me come.” Tia stood in the doorway while Carina
stood emotionally guarded. She wore a thick black sweater that read ‘Boo.’
It was Halloween and she knew they’d be going trick or treating soon.
Carina’s arms were folded.
After another week had passed since seeing Carina, Tia was stuck
between contemplating what was right and second guessing herself. She’d
called the kids telling them she’d be there tonight.“I told myself that you
needed me to be strong. To help you keep Bruce’s memories alive. Maybe
that was wrong of me. Those kids of yours are a constant reminder of who
we lost. Our memories keep him alive.” Tia hoped Carina could feel her
sincerity and smiled, wanting to prove to Carina she would do better.
Tia slid her hands in her front pockets. “I don’t want to lose the kids
because I genuinely love them.” Tia stepped in closer, leaning her shoulder
into the outer wall next to the door. She was a foot from Carina who seemed
as nervous about this conversation as Tia was.
Carina played with the string on her sweater, too vulnerable to look
Tia in the eyes. She cared so much for Tia, not sure if she’d hear from her
again. Deep down, Carina knew Tia would come back for the kids. She just
wasn’t sure if Tia would come back for her too. Her heart beat fast when
Tia closed the distance, inches away from each other.
“I miss you too.” Tia’s eyes were hopeful, exposing all her truths for
Carina to see. The few weeks that past seemed like years. Tia missed the
way Carina smiled when she walked into the house. She hoped it wasn’t too
late to get it all back with Carina and the kids.
It was all Carina needed to hear. Being mad at Tia felt wrong and
pointless. She leaned in, Tia opening her arms to let her in as they
embraced. It was like they could breathe again. Goosebumps ran up Tia’s
arms as a tear slipped from her eye. She was relieved. Time passed and the
kids came into view.
Michelle approached first, dressed as a ninja. She wore the cutest
smile. “You going trick or treating with us?” she asked, holding her
pumpkin bucket.
Tia shrugged and looked to Carina for the answer.
“Yes, she is.” Carina smiled. She opened the door wider, letting Tia in
as Johnathan and Rina came into view in their costumes. “You three ready
to go?” she asked.
They each said yes, and they were off.
After 45 minutes of trick or treating, Tia found herself trying to bribe
the kids into having some of their candy. She even chased them down the
block only ending up with nothing. An hour more passed when they made it
around the last few blocks, back to the house.
Carina unlocked the doors, letting everyone in. Her kids dragged their
feet inside, sleepy. “You three take off your shoes before you climb into
bed,” Carina called out as they headed to their rooms.
“This was great,” Tia smiled, happy she had joined them. “I’ve never
been trick or treating.”
Her omission had Carina turn around swiftly in disbelief. “Never?”
Taking a moment to process what Tia said, Carina walked into her living
room and collapsed onto her couch. Tia did the same thing, falling beside
her, both their legs stretched out.
“Well, yeah,” she admitted. Tia shrugged and blew out slowly. “I just
never had time to be that kind of kid.”
“Your dad never tried to take you?” Carina asked.
Tia considered, twisting onto the couch to face Carina a few feet
beside her. “Once.” She frowned and shook her head. “I was maybe 10.”
Tia began visualizing her old memory. “He wanted to give me a real
costume. I just wanted to go for the candy.” Tia chuckled. Carina listened,
fascinated by the story. “I waited at home. He said he’d be back in an hour.
He was going to get me a costume. I was into Mighty Morphin Power
Rangers at the time. The originals,” Tia clarified, grinning.
“Of course,” Carina chuckled. “Who didn’t have a crush on Kimberly
in her pink suit?”
Tia heard sarcasm and rolled her eyes. “Anyway, he was going to get
me the green Power Rangers costume. I was a serious tomboy back then. I
wanted to be Tommy.”
“What happened?”
“Well…one hour turned into two and then two turned into the whole
night.” Tia shrugged. “He shoplifted the costume and was caught. Spent the
night in jail.” Tia ran her hand over her pants, distracting herself from that
sad time in her life. “Not once have I ever hated my father. He made a lot of
mistakes, but all to try and give me a better life. Did it work out in his
favor? Most of the time, no.”
“I’ve never met your father,” Carina realized.
Tia nodded. “Bruce met him a few times.”
“Invite him for dinner,” Carina blurted out.
That took Tia a minute to process. “You want to meet him?” Tia
asked, surprised.
“That’s why I’m inviting him.” She grinned.
That brought a smile to her face. “Well, he’ll be away for about a
month. He’s a truck driver and he’s taking an extended trip to make
multiple deliveries so that he can be off for Christmas.”
“Perfect. We can all have Christmas dinner together,” Carina chimed.
“Don’t you want to have it with your family? I mean, like your sisters
and your parents.”
“I will,” Carina said. “But that’ll be Christmas Eve. Christmas Day
can be just for us.”
That meant a lot for Tia to hear. “Okay. I’ll let him know.”
There was silence for a time. Carina broke it, getting out what was on
her mind. “Tia…”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t make me chase you down again.” Her tone was soft but firm.
She made sure Tia saw what she was feeling and how serious she was about
it.
Tia swallowed, hating that she’d hurt Carina and the kids whether
they knew it or not. “I won’t.”
Carina smiled. “Good.” Their eyes locked and the tension between
them grew. Both of their hearts pounde
d. Breathing heavily, Carina dropped
her eyes, closing them. She shifted her posture, averting her head to not feel
so exposed. Carina couldn’t tell what Tia was thinking and that made her
nervous.
“I should—”
“Leave,” Carina finished for Tia, aware of what she was about to say.
Tia nodded. “Yeah. But I really should go. Not for reasons you’re
thinking.”
“Oh. What am I thinking?” Carina’s voice came out in barely a
whisper. That question seemed to hold a deeper meaning.
“I don’t know.” Tia faced forward, not able to look at Carina
anymore. She closed her eyes, telling herself not to feel. Chills trailed all
over her body as heat swam in her stomach.
“Drive home safe.”
Tia smiled and stood. “I’ll do that.” Tia was both relieved and
disappointed Carina didn’t push to question what was on her mind.
They walked to the front door. “Please, let me know when you get
there safe,” Carina asked.
“I will. Night.” Tia waved, walking to her car and feeling like she’d
left her heart back inside the house.
Chapter Eleven
Carina
“Honey, we just don’t understand why you want to spend Christmas
Day at home.” Carina’s mom had been ranting about staying the night the
moment they stepped through the door. The next few months rolled by fast
and Carina could admit she was excited about Christmas. It was her favorite
time of year, finding it much more special than most of her friends and
family. Tia had spent an entire shift working on Thanksgiving and though
Carina and the kids missed her, they ended up stopping by the station to
drop off food to Tia after leaving her family’s home.
After spending Thanksgiving with her entire family, Carina was
looking forward to having a more intimate dinner with her kids, Tia, and
Tia’s father. It had been hard spending their first holidays without Bruce,
but spending Christmas with her kids and Tia would be the medicine she
needed. Carina and the kids needed to feel his physical absence. She’d cried
so much in the last few weeks.
It was Christmas Eve and she promised to spend it with her parents
like she did every year. Carina wanted to enjoy this evening and then take
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