her kids home.
Her parents’ home was large enough to fit everyone in the dining
room. Sandra walked inside the house with her two boys and her husband
Miguel and took off her coat. Her other sister Gina was on her way with her
husband and 15 year-old daughter. It would be a full house.
Carina seated her kids at the table next to her as everyone began to
take their seats. It was a formal dinner. Her parents took their seats a few
minutes later. Her phone vibrated and Carina checked to see who it was. Tia
had texted her good luck. Carina had been complaining all week about
coming to this Christmas Eve dinner. She smiled, texted thanks, and put the
phone away, finding her sister staring.
“Aunt Gina is here,” Michelle cheered out.
Gina walked in with her daughter and husband, greeting the family.
She went to their parents, giving them each a kiss before turning to Carina
with a wide smile on her face.
“I’m hungry,” Sandra’s youngest boy whined.
“Quiet,” Sandra chastised, taking her turn to hug her sister.
“All right. Let’s get this evening started so my grandson doesn’t
starve.” Carina’s father chuckled.
They wasted no time serving dinner. The food was delicious. Carina
always enjoyed her mom’s cooking. She was distracted from all the food
and mundane conversations until she heard Michelle telling them about
tomorrow. Carina’s mouth opened, planning to interrupt her daughter when
she closed her mouth realizing it was too late. Carina hadn’t gotten around
to telling them what she’d be doing tomorrow.
Her family made no comments, but it was evident they were bothered
by the news. When dinner was over, Carina’s father excused all the kids
from the table.
Carina leaned back into her chair, annoyed with how much her family
seemed to question her every decision when it came to Tia being in her life.
She slid the rest of her water glass further from within her reach, sweeping
her brunette hair from her eyes.
“Should I even try and express how concerned we are about you?”
Her father asked, as if speaking for the entire family. His eyes were
narrowed on her as if ready to ground her for defiance.
Carina said nothing, biting at the inner wall of her cheek. She wanted
to argue but Carina rolled her eyes, reminding herself she was no longer a
child.
“What are you doing with your future? Next month will mark the year
of Bruce’s passing…”
Carina’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t need you to remind me of when my
husband died,” Carina spoke bitterly. She shut her eyes, taking a breath.
“My relationship with Tia is my own and has nothing to do with Bruce.”
“So, you admit, you have a relationship with this woman?” Sandra
asked.
“I think we should trust Carina and what’s best for her,” her eldest
sister Gina stated in Carina’s defense.
Carina looked to her sister Gina and smiled with tears in her eyes.
“I don’t think you understand, Gina. Tia…she’s—”
“Gay. A lesbian,” Carina finished for her sister Sandra. “I figured I’d
help you since you were struggling so terribly.” She rolled her eyes. “I don’t
know what the issue is, but I do know I won’t end my friendship with Tia to
please any of you. I’m making this very clear to you all right now. You bad
mouth Tia to my kids once and from now on you’ll be talking to them over
the phone, supervised.” Carina stood fast, shoving the chair back with the
back of her legs, and called her kids downstairs.
“You don’t have to leave,” her mother pleaded.
“Actually, I do!”
*
The thought of having to distance herself from her family was
terrifying. They could be too protective even when they didn’t need to be.
The only way to make them back off was to give them an ultimatum.
Spending the rest of Christmas Eve at home, they’d played board games.
Now that it was Sunday, Carina was thankful she’d have the day with Tia
and the kids. No distractions.
Carina had been cooking all day, going beyond her cooking limits to
make today perfect. She was expecting Tia and her father at any minute.
“Hey Johnathan, I need you to turn your game off.”
“Mom, just five more minutes,” he whined.
“No! Off now,” she shouted from the kitchen.
“When’s Tia coming?” Michelle asked for the seventh time.
Her kids were excited to spend Christmas with Tia while Carina was
nervous. Her belly had been flipping all day. “Soon honey.” Carina looked
in the crock pot, checking on the roast. It was nearly done. She’d baked mac
and cheese and ham in the oven. Bruce had told her once how much Tia
loved ham and mac and cheese. She also had cornbread stuffing since that
was Tia’s favorite and green bean casserole. She might’ve gone overboard
but Carina didn’t care. She wanted everything to be perfect.
“Relax. It’s just Tia. And her dad.” She smiled, talking to herself.
“Why are you so nervous, Mom?” Rina asked.
“I’m not,” Carina responded in a squeaking voice. “Okay, I am. I just
want Tia’s father to feel welcomed.”
“He will, Mom,” Rina assured her. The doorbell rang and Carina
froze. “I’ll get it,” Rina shouted and ran to the front door.
Carina washed her hands and dried them, hearing Tia from the front
of the house. She walked into the living room, finding Johnathan still
playing his video game. She walked up, shaking her head and turning off
the TV.
“Mom,” he hissed.
“I swear, Johnathan, I’ll donate your Xbox to Goodwill. I better not
see you touch it again today.” She gave him a look that held much promise.
Tia walked in, giving Johnathan a look that said she heard everything.
Johnathan smiled shyly, standing up to greet the man standing beside her.
Tia reached out, putting her hand over his head and messing up his hair.
“Don’t give your mom a hard time,” she whispered in his ear.
Johnathan smiled awkwardly and nodded.
“Hello. You must be Johnathan.” Tia’s father held his hand out.
“Yes sir.” Johnathan shook the man’s hand and smiled. “Can we eat
now, Mom?”
Carina shook her head. “Johnathan, go wash your hands.” Carina
smiled. “Sorry about that.” She held out her hand. “I’m Carina.”
“Oh, I know! My daughter talks about you and your lovely kids a
lot.”
Carina watched Tia blush. “Oh, does she?” Carina encouraged him to
continue.
“Dad.” Tia shook her head, giving her father a long look.
“Fine. I won’t embarrass you just yet.” He patted her shoulder. “How
can I help?”
“You don’t have to,” Carina said. “You’re our guest.”
“Trust me. Let him help.” Tia smiled.
The food was about done, and all that was left was to set up the table.
She worked beside Tia’s father setting the table and placing the food at the
center. Soon everyone gathered around the table and Carina knew this
dinner
would be better than last night’s. The kids wasted no time in stuffing
their mouths. Johnathan had overeaten, gaining a stomach ache.
“I’ll go help them settle in for the night,” Tia offered.
Alone, Carina smiled to Tia’s father, nervous to speak to him. He’d
raised Tia alone. There was still a lot she didn’t know about Tia’s life. Like
what happened to her mother. She didn’t want to be invasive and figured
when the time was right, she’d ask Tia herself.
“I appreciate you opening your home up to me. I don’t think I’ve had
a cooked meal like that in years.” She could tell he was being sincere.
“You’re welcome here at any time. And I’ll make sure whenever Tia
comes over, I send her back home with leftovers.”
“Yeah. Since she moved out, I’ll have to go knocking on her door to
get that, but I appreciate it.” He smiled and took another bite from his plate.
Carina hadn’t known Tia moved out. Tia had a habit of leaving out
important details about her own life. She would table what she learned for
later. “I’ll make sure I pack leftovers before you leave.”
“You’re very kind.” He smiled and placed his fork on the plate. “You
care for my daughter?” he asked.
Carina smiled. “Yes. I do!”
He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I’m not going to always be
here for her. I need to know…you’ll always be someone she can lean on.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” Carina sighed and looked down at her
plate. Tia’s father was all she truly had.
Tia came back downstairs, wearing a Santa hat.
“Where’d you get that?” Carina chuckled.
It didn’t quite fit her head with Tia’s dreads being in the way. It was
covered in sparkles with Tia’s name written at the center. “Michelle made it
for me at school. It’s my Christmas present.”
“Lucky,” Carina grinned.
“It’s not luck. She said I’m her favorite.”
“I’m her mom. I will always be her favorite.”
Tia chuckled and stuck her tongue out. “Don’t be jealous.” She took a
seat and Carina tried to reach across the table to take it. Tia pivoted back
and snorted. “Jealousy looks cute on you.”
Tia noticed her father watching the both of them, a small smile
forming on his face.
“Yes, it does,” Carina agreed confidently.
They joked for some time until Tia’s father announced he had to
leave. They’d driven in separate vehicles which made Carina happy. She
wasn’t ready to see Tia leave yet. Carina provided Tia’s father two
containers full of leftovers, saying goodbye to him at the door.
Tia lingered next to the door, watching her father pull away.
“What are the kids doing?” Carina asked, standing beside her,
watching Tia.
“Well, Michelle passed out on me. Rina is listening to music and
texting her friends probably. And Johnathan knows he’s on a gaming
restriction, so he’s probably lying in bed acting miserable.”
“All sounds accurate,” Carina joked.
She waited for Tia to move out of the doorway to close it, noticing the
mistletoe above them. Her kids thought it would be cute to have it up.
Carina tried to act like she didn’t notice but it was too late.
Tia followed her sight, staring up at the mistletoe too.
Carina’s skin flushed as it took Tia a long time to make eye contact.
When Tia did face her again, her eyes had zoned in on her lips. Suddenly,
she felt self-conscious, wanting to do something to distract them.
“We always put it up every year. Bruce said it was his way of finding
a cheap excuse to kiss me,” Carina explained. Mentioning Bruce’s name
ended whatever tension had grown between them. Memories of Bruce came
swarming into her mind, him pulling her into kisses or calling her to the
door just to kiss her under the mistletoe. Sometimes, he’d keep the
mistletoe up past New Year’s just to be funny.
Carina found herself walking into the living room, standing next to
the Christmas tree. Tia followed her, standing a safe emotional distance
away. She’d seen the sadness surface in Carina’s eyes, knowing the
holidays were hard to celebrate. Carina needed to put on a brave face for
her kids.
“You don’t have to pretend with me,” Tia said. She walked up. “He’ll
always be the man who told goofy Christmas stories or made ridiculous
New Year’s resolutions.”
“Yeah,” Carina beamed. She reached down for a small box and held it
up, locking eyes with Tia and waiting for her to grab it.
“What’s this?”
“You have to open it,” Carina said.
Tia narrowed her eyes and took the box. She opened the small, palm
sized box, finding a set of keys inside. Tia frowned. “I don’t understand.”
“Bruce told me how he’d show off his motorcycle to you and you’d
threaten to steal it one day. I could never drive that thing. I know he’d want
you to have it.”
“I, I can’t,” Tia shook her head.
“You can and you will.” Carina’s tone made that final.
She stared, astounded by the gift and headed toward the garage door
connected through the kitchen. She went inside, turning on the light and
removed the tarp over the motorcycle. Tia’s smile was huge as she ran her
fingers over its slick design. Carina stood in the doorway, grinning from ear
to ear, watching as Tia admired her new gift.
It meant a lot to see Tia so happy. Bruce had been right in Tia loving
his motorcycle more than him. Tia squealed, running up to Carina. She
pulled her into a hug, squeezing her tightly.
Carina melted into Tia’s form and squeezed back, taking a breath, the
aroma from Tia’s body wash perfuming her nose. Tia smelled of something
flowery. Carina twirled her index finger around one of Tia’s dreads, running
her thumb over it. Something new blossomed inside Carina and she took a
minute to process it. She loved touching Tia. Running her fingers over Tia’s
dreads.
Their embrace loosened, Tia creating enough distance to look into
Carina’s eyes. There was so much tension between them a knife could make
a clean slice straight through. Tia’s eyes darkened. “Thank you,” she
whispered, almost breathless.
Carina swallowed her tongue, unable to form a response. In the past
year their relationship had gone from casual friendship to something much
deeper and meaningful. Carina’s arms were still wrapped around Tia’s neck.
She could hear her heart beating fast in her ears. There was this magnetic
pull to close the distance between them. She closed her eyes, pressing her
forehead into Tia’s nose. She took in a long breath. Tia had been Bruce’s
best friend and partner. The thought of Bruce made her pull away.
Whatever she was feeling or about to do, she really needed to
consider the outcome. “I’m glad you like your gift,” she whispered. She
couldn’t look at Tia just yet.
Tia cleared her throat. “I do. I got you one too.” Tia knew that
whatever was happening between them she could no longer hide from it.
; She pulled out a long thin box from her back pocket and held it out, taking a
step back.
Carina looked up and reached for it slowly. They were still in the
garage, the cold outside air making her skin form chills. She turned to head
into the house, opening up the box. She wasn’t ready to face Tia yet. She
looked inside, finding a gold chained necklace with a pendant attached.
“You can open it up,” Tia explained.
She did, her back turned to Tia the entire time. Inside was a small
picture of her and Bruce on one side and their kids on the other. Carina shut
her eyes, a tear slipping out.
“It was hard finding a place that could take one of your photos and
make it that small. I just thought…I don’t know. I look up to you guys and
what a family should look like.”
Carina found the courage to turn and face Tia and smiled. “Tia…this
is…” She felt more tears slip from her eyes and wiped them away. “As long
as there is love, a family could look like many things. It means a lot to
know that you see that kind of love in us.”
“Of course.” Tia smiled. “I promise I’ll take good care of it,” she said,
looking at the key in her hand. “I should get going. Working a double
tomorrow.”
Carina smiled. “K!” She walked Tia to the front door and couldn’t
find the courage to give her a hug. They said their goodnights and Carina
watched her go.
*
“How’s my little sis doing?” Gina came up to the table at the Mexican
restaurant they frequented, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
Carina had been nervous the last few weeks. After Christmas, Tia
came around every week but there had been awkwardness when they were
alone. New Year’s passed and in a few weeks, it’d be one year since losing
Bruce.
There was no way of knowing her life would change this much in one
year. The memory of his death had increased for her and her kids. Even
more, her conflicting feelings regarding Tia had made it hard for her to get
through the day. It was no surprise to her that she could be attracted to a
woman. Carina had been on a few dates with women before Bruce, but she
never had time to define for herself what it meant to be attracted to women
and men. Now at 35 it no longer mattered to her if she should define
herself. She felt what she felt and that was enough for her.
Endless as the Stars Page 10
