The Woman Who Pretended to Love Men

by Anna Ferrara

  “I’m sorry but I was told not to give information to strangers.”

  “I’m not a stranger. Look!”

  I pulled out a strip of Neoprint photo stickers from my leather satchel bag, the one which had Milla’s face in it, and showed it to Kelly. The Neoprint photo booth near the Big Buddha had printed two sets of stickers and Milla had insisted I take one even though I said she could have both. Good thing she had because those stickers came in handy that day. “This is proof that we are friends! I’m really worried! She was supposed to meet me here today and now I can’t get hold of her! If you aren’t going to tell me whether or not she’s here I’m going to have to go to the police and you’re going to have to tell them everything you know anyway, just likely after your shift, which basically means more Overtime for you.”

  I knew using the O-word would do the trick and it did. Kelly looked that little bit startled, right before she turned her trusting eyes onto my stickers. “She…” She took in a huge breath of air before going on, as if she needed it. “She checked out a long time ago. Almost a month ago, I think. I checked her out myself.”

  “Really? What about her boyfriend? Did he get another room here once she checked out? Because he told me he was still living here. He’s... American? Crew cut, tanned, very, very handsome?”

  “Oh, is he her boyfriend? He ran over to beg her to stay when he saw her checking out. Said she should stay for the sake of their child or something, but she wouldn’t even answer him. Told me she didn’t even know him and left without even talking to him. He checked out of his own room on the same day so neither of them are here right now. I have no idea where they are though, sorry.”

  Their child? “I see. They must have had a bad quarrel or something. I’ll look elsewhere then. Thank you so much for letting me know anyway!”

  We exchanged polite smiles but mine vanished the moment I turned from her and went towards the lobby’s two-storey glass doors.

  A child? I smiled again as a doorman opened one of the doors to let me out but frowned the moment I left him, the wondrous scent of perfume and the revivifying touch of artificial cold air behind.

  Their child?! If Milla and C39 really did have a child together, where the hell was that child now? Why wasn’t he or she in the U.S. government’s database with Milla or C39 listed as his or her parents? And if Milla did have a sexual relationship with C39 at some point, why wasn’t she interested in keeping him alive? Was C39 Milla’s boyfriend or not? Did she love him, or not?

  The more I walked, the more sweat the warm summer heat pulled out of my skin. I decided to get out of the open, into an air-conditioned underground train, for the humidity and sticky dampness of my skin, coupled with the disquiet that was starting to brew in the pits of my stomach yet again, was starting to make me feel a little dizzy.

  By the time I got myself into one of those trains in the direction of the way home, I concluded I was going to have to ask Milla about her relationship with C39 to get the answers I needed.

  Even though the mere thought of being anywhere near her was enough to send butterflies flitting through every part of my flesh.

  Chapter 13

  3 Jul 1999, Saturday

  At midnight, I gave Milla a call. I would have called earlier but she had a male guest in her living room all evening and I needed to see what they were up to.

  Her guest was Caucasian too. More tanned than she, taller by a head and... had the same blue eyes and dirty blond hair. He looked about her age or... maybe a little younger. His face was familiar... Was he a model? Somebody famous? No...

  I realised he was her younger brother, the only one with whom she shared a mother. His face was the one I had seen while hacking the U.S. Federal Government’s database. Angelo Milone, his name was. Twenty-one years of age and unemployed. What was he doing here?

  He spoke in a rather agitated manner, as if he was greatly frustrated about something or the other; she, on the other hand, listened with her arms crossed but looked otherwise collected. I watched his lips; he was talking about not being able to go back to New York or, to be more precise, his fear that he wouldn’t be able to ‘go back to New York if... Danny... didn’t... get... found.’

  What? I leaned as close as I could get to the window pane and kept my eyes peeled on his lips but he didn’t go on.

  He simply said, ‘Fuck this, I’m going home,’ and went right out the door. When he had gone, Milla uncrossed her arms and went behind the drawn curtains of her bedroom so I turned my binoculars towards the base of her building instead. I watched Angelo emerge from the main gate and walk along the pavement in the direction of the train station then saw him turn towards an apartment building that was just three buildings away from Milla’s. He went right inside and didn’t come out again for the next fifteen minutes.

  That was home? He lived right there?

  I went back into the Hong Kong Immigration Department’s database to confirm if the man I saw really was her brother and found that he was. He had arrived in Hong Kong on... ‘13 Jun ‘99’, one week after C39 and Milla did. His stated residence in Hong Kong? No surprises there. The Regent Hong Kong.

  So, Milla’s brother arrives in town but doesn’t visit her boyfriend in the hospital... What does that say? That they weren’t close? Or that he didn’t want the staff at King George Hospital knowing he existed?

  I couldn’t say but...

  Milla would know.

  Another reason to call her. Just do the job, Fleur! Stop thinking about all the other things that don’t matter right now! You want that promotion, remember? Right. I did. I took a deep breath, readied myself for all varieties of physical sensations and dialled her number on my Nokia—the number I now knew by heart.

  Her phone rang.

  And rang, and rang.

  Milla emerged from her bedroom and went towards it. Through my binoculars, I watched her stop right in front of her phone set and make no move to answer it. Her eyes hovered over the white Caller ID device next to the phone; she barely blinked.

  I frowned as my stomach began doing somersaults all over again. Just pick up, please? Pick up, Milla...

  She didn’t. She backed away from the phone and went back into her bedroom where I couldn’t see her.

  “The person you’re trying to call is presently unavailable,” a polite, cheery voice told me in Cantonese. “Please try again later.”

  I hit the redial button and kept my eyes on the phone in her living room.

  I waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.

  “The person you’re trying to call is presently unavailable. Please try again later.”

  I hit the redial button yet again like a woman possessed. Now that I had gotten all psyched to call her, I found I wanted nothing more than to hear her voice again. I wanted to connect with her, for us to go back to being friends like we were before. We were so happy then; why couldn’t we have just stayed that way? Why did she have to go kiss me and ruin it all?

  I dropped my binoculars, shut my tired eyes and let my forehead cool against the window’s smooth glass. The world outside was dark and tranquil; I wished my insides could be just like it too. The call had gone unanswered for long enough; I lifted my finger to the redial button and was just about to press down on it when, out of the blue, I heard—

  “Hello?” Milla’s voice. She spoke as if she didn’t know who was calling.

  “Milla?” I spoke as if I didn’t know who had answered, even though I could see, very clearly, through my binoculars, that she was now back in her living room, holding on to her cordless handset like it were an object she didn’t quite want to touch.

  “Yes?”

  “It’s Sandra.” I suddenly felt as if I were on a caffeine high, ready to rock and roll through another full day of work.

  “Sandra? It’s late.”

  “I know but... I think we need to talk. Could I come over? Just for an hour or so?”

  No answ
er. I saw Milla run her hand over her eyes and pull at the flesh of her cheek. She looked more uncomfortable than ever.

  “Please?”

  I heard her take a deep, difficult breath and saw her put her hand against her chest. “Uh... okay. I’ll let the guard know you’re coming.”

  “See you in an hour,” I said, as if I didn’t live just three minutes away. “I’ll be coming over from Kowloon.”

  She didn’t doubt my words but she did remain by the phone long after I hung up, holding on to her white shelf, with her head bowed towards the floor.

  An hour later, Milla opened her door for me. The moment our eyes met, I noticed hers were puffier than usual and a little red around the edges. She didn’t smile this time.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked, even though I knew jolly well everything was not at all okay.

  She nodded and invited me to enter without saying a word.

  Her living room was soundless and very still. Standing in it, watching her shut and lock the door without looking over at me once, made me feel the weight of the metal glasses over my nose more than ever. Had I not been wearing those glasses, I believe I might have gone over to her and confessed what I was feeling, possibly tell her I knew what she was feeling. But I was wearing those glasses—the glasses my boss said I was to wear ‘at all times’—so I kept my distance and watched her in a way that would make anyone looking think I had no idea what was going on with her, even though I most certainly did.

  When her hands trembled, I knew it was because they were beyond her control. When she struggled to hold her gaze in mine, I knew exactly why.

  “Would you like a drink?” she asked. Her voice sounded huskier than usual.

  I shook my head but took the seat she suggested I take. I sat myself down on the sofa and Milla sat opposite me, a safe distance away, on her white wicker swing chair.

  “What did you come here to talk about?”

  I looked into her eyes, thought they looked full of hope, and suddenly found them fascinating. Her eyes were magnificent; a lovely blue, a lovely shape, just... sublime. In fact, her whole person was; her face, her hair, her... body...

  I took a deep breath to ready myself to speak and felt the full weight of the glasses on my nose when I exhaled. Alpha, my office, my boss, my promotion came to mind so I looked away. I pushed my emotions aside, cleared my throat and said what I came to say.

  “I went back to the hospital today. Back to the security office, to take another look at those tapes. Dumb luck, I had; the guard forgot to lock the door.”

  I looked back at her and saw she had turned her head and eyes away; all that hope that had been in her eyes before was now gone.

  “Guess what I saw?”

  She didn’t answer but she did roll her eyes, hug herself with her arms and inhale sharply.

  “Are you Danny Diaz’s girlfriend, Milla?”

  Milla turned back to me and said, as if it were truly so, “No.”

  Oh? “Did you pretend to be Danny Diaz’s girlfriend?”

  Milla sighed. “I don’t want to talk about Danny, Sandra. Can we just talk about something else? About… us, maybe?” She gazed into my eyes again and—

  —all sorts of chemicals began shooting across all parts of my body. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. I felt euphoric but at the same time, I was utterly drenched in dread; I felt like I was scared stiff yet I was also buzzing with energy; I felt as if I wanted nothing more than to keep staring into the depths of her eyes and soul forever yet I feared I might just explode from all the chemical reactions going on within me if I kept on looking. It took every bit of effort to keep myself on the job, to harden my face, look her solemnly in the eye with none of the warmth she had in hers, and say, coldly, “Would you be lying to me again if we did?”

  That solved the problem. Milla took her eyes off mine and clenched her jaw so hard, I could see the muscles in her cheek firm up. She stood and walked away from her swing chair, and also me. All the chemical sensations underneath my skin toned down a notch when she moved that little bit further away.

  “What happened between me and Danny Diaz is none of your business, Sandra. It’s none of anybody’s business! I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you informing the world about it. I have a right to privacy! I did nothing wrong!”

  “I thought we were friends? You could have just told me you didn’t want to be written about!”

  Milla’s nose suddenly became ruddy and her eyes became bloodshot. “I don’t want to be your friend. Sandra,” she said through clenched teeth. “Either you be more than a friend to me, or we stay the hell away from each other. Because, this?” She gestured at the space between us. “This, I can’t cope with right now.”

  I knew what she meant; I could feel every last twinge of the agony in her eyes down in the pits of my heart. I felt horrible in her presence too! I mean, I had been going through the same anguish all day long! Had we been anywhere else, I believe I would have hugged her and told her we were in the same boat but because we were in her apartment, where there were cameras all around, and because I was wearing my office’s glasses, I said, “How can I be more, if I don’t even know who you are?” I kept everything I was feeling inside away from my face. “I don’t know why you have triad guys following you everywhere, I don’t know why you lied about knowing Danny Diaz, I don’t even know if you really are single—”

  “I really am single, Sandra! And those other things, you’re better off not knowing—”

  “Why? Why all the secrecy Milla?” I took a deep breath, then added, “Are you responsible for Danny Diaz’s disappearance?”

  Milla was shocked. “No! I don’t know why he’s missing! I swear I had nothing to do with it!”

  “You gave me that very same look the day you told me you didn’t know who Danny Diaz was!”

  She rolled her eyes and sighed yet again. “I’m not lying this time! I mean it when I say I don’t know why Danny went missing and I sure as hell mean it when I say I have feelings for you!”

  Our eyes met again and all those chemical sensations I had been feeling intensified. I knew it would be best if I looked away yet somehow, my eyes wouldn’t budge. I felt as if she were looking right into my heart and that my heart was exploding with joy because of it.

  “I love you. That’s all you need to know about me. I fell in love with you and I feel like that’s all I am right now. Just insanely, uncontrollably, stupidly in love with you!”

  I heard myself gasp. I felt my pulse pound like a high BPM techno beat. I heard myself say, in whisper, “But you don’t even know me.”

  I must have lost control of my face because I saw Milla see me. The me I had been trying so hard to keep from her—and the cameras. The moment she saw me, all the frustration, exasperation and anguish that had been on her face vanished. Her eyes widened, and shone, and she began moving towards me.

  “I want to get to know you,” she said.

  “I don’t even know you.” I found I was struggling to breathe and felt no longer in control of myself.

  “I will tell you everything you need to know when the time is right. It’s for your own good.”

  Milla stopped right in front of me, right in front of my lips and chest and thighs, and kept her eyes on mine. The hairs on my arms began to stand, as if trying to reach towards her. I felt her warmth burn into my skin, along with a pull of energy that seemed to be trying to haul my body in her direction. I felt my nipples go hard and the beats of my heart going crazy as she reached out and caressed my cheek. I felt myself wanting nothing more than to lean in and feel her body against mine, to smell more of her scent, to feel her skin, to touch her cheek the way she was touching mine, to feel again what I felt the first time our tongues met, so I—

  —backed away and went right for her front door.

  “Sorry, I’m really not into that,” I said, right before I flung her door open and slammed it between us.
>
  Milla never even got the chance to say another word.

  I was marching over to the train station with resolute, frenetic steps when the Nokia in my pocket rang.

  Seeing the words ‘Unknown Number’ on its display made me stop in my tracks, in the middle of nowhere, all alone amidst the chill of the night. Before my Nokia rang, I had been in shock; now that it was ringing, with those two words on its screen, I was downright terrified.

  Milla? My heart, my gut, and in fact, my entire body, prickled the second I thought her name.

  I didn’t want to pick up yet I desperately wanted to. “Hello?” I said, softly. I think we really do have to talk, I thought, quietly.

  “Sometimes, an agent must put aside their personal prejudices for the sake of the job,” a raspy, emotionless, un-feminine voice said in my ear. “I think that time is happening right now for you.”

  All thoughts of Milla vanished from my mind in that instant. I became stiff; my skin turned icy; I even began feeling a little queasy. I did expect this, yes, that’s why I had been so careful in there, but to actually know it happened, to actually know that Alpha had seen what I just went through with Milla, made me feel more physically sick than I thought possible.

  This is not right! Milla’s feelings towards me and my non-work-related feelings towards her are none of your business! You shouldn’t be watching me all the time! We shouldn’t be recording her all the time too! Why am I even doing it? It’s disgusting!

  Because you want this job. Because without your job, without the money it brings, you know you will be nothing and have nothing, Fleur, a little voice in my head replied. Because it’s in your contract. Because if you don’t do it, they will replace you with someone else who will, easily, and you might really just end up as a lowly-paid statistician doing nothing but meaningless, repetitive tasks for the rest of your life. Your mother’s opinions of you, Carla’s opinions of you, would all really apply then.