Anyone but You

by Jennifer Crusie

  “I’ll just have to open my door when she’s going by sometime, then,” Nina said. “She’s not shy, right?”

  “Right.”

  “What about dogs?” Nina looked anxious again. “Will she be upset about Fred?”

  “Only if he pees on her exercise bike,” Alex said. “Norma’s pretty easygoing.”

  Nina looked down at the pile of bones and skin that Fred melted into every time he collapsed somewhere. “Don’t pee on Norma’s bike, Fred.”

  Fred snored.

  “I think he’s got it,” Alex said. “Sharp dog.”

  “And don’t go in Alex’s window, either,” Nina went on, and Alex said, “Well, let’s not get carried away here. I can always use the company.”

  Nina smiled at him again, warm and serene and welcoming, and he blinked, wondering why he was having such a hard time remembering his place in the conversation. There was no reason for her to be confusing him like this. He was hardly over his relationship with…with…

  Oh, hell.

  Nina said, “Are you all right?” and he thought, Get out of here, Alex, she’s fogging your mind. Who the hell had he been dating? She’d been blond, he remembered that. Time to get out. He stood up and said, “I’m great, but I’d better go now. Thanks for the Coke.”

  She followed him to the door, thanking him again for returning Fred, while he tried to remember the name of the woman he’d been seeing for six weeks. Why couldn’t he remember? It had to be age. He was going to be thirty tomorrow, and already the mind was going. Whatshername had had a narrow escape; their kids would have done lousy on the SATs, and she was the type who would have cared. What the hell was her name?

  “Debbie,” he said, and the woman in front of him said, “No, Nina.”

  He blinked down into her dark, dark eyes, which was how he’d gotten in this mess in the first place. “I know you’re Nina, I was just trying to remember the name of my…uh, dog.”

  “You have a dog?” Nina beamed. “That’s why Fred came through your window. Looking for a friend.”

  “No. Debbie was my…never mind.” Alex shook his head. “Anyway, Fred had the right idea. I could use a friend, myself.”

  She held out her hand. “Well, you’ve got two upstairs now. We really appreciate you coming to the rescue.”

  He took her hand, trying to ignore how soft and warm it was while he appreciated her, too. Knock it off, he told himself and dropped her hand. “Got to go. See you, Fred,” he called back over his shoulder and then he escaped into the hall and down the stairs.

  On the way down, he met Rich, looking disgustingly healthy in jeans and a gray-striped shirt that matched the gray in his hair, on his way up to Norma’s with a pizza.

  “Hello, Alex.” Rich punched him in the arm. “Not making time with my woman, are you?”

  “Rich, you know Norma wouldn’t look twice at me. I couldn’t keep up her pace.” Alex nursed his bicep where Rich had pounded him. Rich had a mean punch. “I was in three, meeting the new tenant.”

  “Ah.” Rich nodded. “I saw her the other day. Very nice-looking.” He squinted at Alex. “She’s older than you are.”

  “You should talk,” Alex said.

  “No, no, that’s good.” Rich leaned closer. “Older women know things.”

  Alex hated to ask, but he had to. “What kind of things?”

  Rich raised his eyebrows. “Things. You’ll find out.” He sighed. “Of course, she’s no Norma. They broke the mold when they made Norma.”

  “I always figured Norma broke the mold because she didn’t want the competition,” Alex said, and Rich roared with laughter.

  “Didn’t want the competition. Wait’ll I tell Norma. She’ll love that one.”

  “Yeah, and if she doesn’t, she’ll come down and beat the crap out of me,” Alex said, and Rich laughed again and went jogging up the stairs with Norma’s pizza.

  “Older women, huh?” Alex said to his retreating back, but Rich was too far away to hear.

  “I READ AN ARTICLE on menopause yesterday,” Nina said to Charity, who was sitting on the oriental rug on Nina’s living-room floor, looking elegant and sexy in a black silk catsuit. Nina looked down at her own blue-striped cotton pajamas and sighed. You are what you wear, she told herself, and went back to the feast that she and Charity had assembled on the floor around them: nonfat pretzels, nonfat potato chips and a blender full of chocolate Amaretto milk shake.

  And Fred.

  Fred was turning out to be a world-class mooch.

  Charity rolled her eyes and fed Fred a pretzel, which he took gently in his mouth, dropped on the ground, pushed with his nose, examined closely, and then, deciding it was exactly like the other three pretzels he’d had earlier, ate. “Don’t rush into anything, Fred,” Charity told him and then turned back to Nina. “Why are you reading about menopause, for heaven’s sake?”

  “Because I’m forty now.” Nina crunched into a pretzel. “It said that perimenopause starts in the forties.”

  “Nina, you’ve been forty for about forty-eight hours. Estrogen deprivation won’t start for at least another week.” Charity leaned over Nina’s blue-striped lap to grab the potato-chip bag. “I can’t believe you’re torturing yourself like this.”

  “There was a list of symptoms,” Nina went on. “Warning signs. They were awful.”

  “Hot flashes.” Charity nodded. “I get those every time I think of Sean. Only I think it’s rage not menopause.”

  “One of them is that your pubic hair starts to thin,” Nina said.

  Charity stopped with a chip halfway to her mouth. “I did not need to know this.”

  Nina nodded. “So I was in the shower last night and I looked, but the thing is, I never paid that much attention before, so I don’t have any idea if mine’s thinner.”

  Charity dropped the chip back into the bag. “Nina, honey, you’re losing your grip.”

  Nina stuck her chin out. “I just want to know. I want to be prepared.”

  Charity shrugged and went back to the chips. “So ask Guy.”

  Nina shot her a withering look. “Ask my ex-husband to check my pubic hair to see if it’s thinned in the year we’ve been divorced? No, I don’t think so.”

  Charity beamed at her. “Well, there’s always Rogaine.”

  “Thank you very much.” Nina slurped up more of her milk shake. “And then there’s this thing I’m developing for younger men. I was watching ‘Friends’ the other night and caught myself wondering what Matthew Perry is like in bed.”

  “I’ve wondered that myself,” Charity said. “You know, whether he’d stop wisecracking long enough to—”

  “Charity, I could have given birth to Matthew Perry.”

  Charity looked at her with patient contempt. “Nina, Matthew Perry is not a real person. He’s an actor. He doesn’t count. Now, if you were having hot thoughts about Macaulay Culkin, I’d worry. But Matthew Perry, no.”

  “He counts,” Nina said stubbornly.

  “Hell, I think about James Dean and he’s dead,” Charity went on. “That doesn’t mean I’m heading for the cemetery with a shovel. Fantasy is not the same as reality. You don’t have to feel guilty about it.”

  “It’s happening in reality, too,” Nina said. “I met my downstairs neighbor yesterday, and I was thinking about how much fun he looked and what great hands he had, and I swear, he can’t be more than twenty-five. It’s only a matter of time until I’m cruising the high schools.”

  Charity sat up straighter, which made her black silk move against her curves. It was a shame there wasn’t a man around to watch Charity move, Nina thought. The whole effect was sort of wasted on her and Fred.

  Fred was investigating the potato-chip bag.

  “Downstairs?” Charity said, pushing Fred’s nose out of the bag. “You didn’t mention any guy downstairs. Who is he? What does he do? Is he married?”

  Nina tried to look quelling. “I told you. He’s just a baby.”

  “I l
ike babies,” Charity said. “As long as they’re not mine. This could be good. Tell me about him.”

  Nina glared at Charity and her black silk, a combination that could seduce any man of any age. “You’re going to jump my infant neighbor?”

  “No,” Charity said patiently. “I’m going to talk you into jumping your infant neighbor. If he’s not married.”

  “He’s not,” Nina said, slumping a little. “At least there was no ring, and he didn’t mention a wife.”

  Charity snorted.

  Nina gave her a severe look. “And you’re not talking me into anything anyway, so just drop it.”

  “Is he cute?” Charity asked. “What does he do for a living?”

  The image of Alex lounging at her table, broad-shouldered and confident, came to mind, but Nina evicted it at once. “Yes, he’s cute. I have no idea what he does for a living. Probably something involving a small hat and French-fry oil. He doesn’t look too focused.”

  “That’s wonderful.” Charity sat back, so enthused she fed Fred a potato chip. Fred ate it cautiously since it wasn’t a pretzel. “This is great. Make him your toy boy. If he’s got some kind of McJob, you won’t end up being a corporate wife, and since he’s young, he’ll still be interested in sex. This is perfect.”

  Nina glared at her because the thought was so tempting. “It is not perfect. I’m not dating somebody who’s fifteen years younger than I am. I’m not dating again at all, I like being free and not having to go to stupid dinners and dress up for somebody else’s career, but if I was going to start dating again, it would not be this guy.” She thought again of Alex, loose-limbed and long-fingered in her doorway and way, way too young for her. If she started dating him or, dear God, sleeping with him—she swallowed at the thought—people would say she was in her second childhood. People would look at them on the street and wonder what he saw in her. Guy would sneer. Her mother would roll her eyes. His friends would make jokes about Oedipus Alex. She’d be obsessing over thinning pubic hair, and he’d be playing air guitar.

  Worst of all, if she slept with him, she’d have to take off her clothes and her mother was right: her body was forty years old. The whole idea was impossible.

  And he wasn’t interested in her, anyway. Just what she needed, to start fantasizing about a man who thought of her as a mother figure and who just by existing would make her feel older than she already did. She’d end up literally working her butt off to try to look younger than she was instead of enjoying the freedom she had now. “It would be too humiliating,” she finished. “Not Alex. Anyone but Alex.”

  Charity grinned. “Why not? He’s never seen your pubic hair before. He won’t notice the thinning.”

  Nina sighed. “And to think you’re my best friend.”

  “Damn right, chickie,” Charity said, going back to the chips. “That’s why I’m giving you this great advice. Break the kid’s heart. He needs it for the growth experience, and it’ll make you feel so much better about the divorce. Trust Aunt Charity. When it comes to romance, she knows. Besides, it’ll make Guy crazy.”

  Nina shook her head and changed the subject before Charity talked her into something stupid. “Forget Guy. My real problems are not with Guy or the infant downstairs, they’re with Jessica.”

  Charity tilted her head in sympathy. “Poor baby. Is this that boring book you told me about?”

  Nina nodded. “Some upper-class twit’s prep-school memoirs. I thought the rich were supposed to be depraved, but this guy never even short-sheeted a bed. It is the most tedious stuff I’ve ever waded through.”

  Charity picked up her shake and stirred it with her straw. “Seems to me, the idea behind a memoir is to have something to remember.”

  “Not if you’re rich,” Nina said.

  Charity leaned back, thoughtful. “Now, I could write a hell of a memoir. When I think of the trauma I’ve lived through—” She shook her head in self-amazement and slurped up some milk shake.

  Nina snorted. “I should have you ghostwrite this book for this guy. Graft some of your sex life onto his non-life.”

  “I should write my own book,” Charity said. “It’s about time I had a career instead of a past.”

  Nina smiled and fed Fred a chip. That would be one hell of a book: Charity’s life between covers, one disaster after another, described the way Charity had described it to her over the years.

  Nina stopped smiling. It would be one hell of a book. She looked at Charity. “You’re right.”

  “I’m always right,” Charity said. “So why aren’t I rich and married and getting great sex nightly?”

  Nina leaned forward. “Can you write, Charity?”

  Charity looked at her, annoyed. “Of course I can write. I can read, too.”

  “No.” Nina grabbed her arm to get her attention. “I mean, can you write? Prose. Could you write a book?”

  Charity blinked at her. “A book?”

  “Your memoirs.” Nina leaned closer. “I know your breakups must have been awful at the time, at all the times, but you’re really funny when you talk about them. Could you write a funny, sexy book about your past love life?”

  Charity thought about it for a minute. “I don’t know why not. My mom says I write great letters.” She met Nina’s eyes, her own widening as she absorbed the idea. “Yeah. Sure. In fact, maybe this is what I was meant to do. You know, the first thirty-eight years were just gathering material.” She shoved the milk shake away from her. “I could do it like an advice book. One chapter for each guy, with a lesson to be learned each time. It’d be like therapy. Twelve chapters. Would that be enough?”

  Nina nodded, thrilled that Charity was interested. “Sure. With an intro and a conclusion, shoot for two hundred, two hundred and fifty pages. Do you think you can do this? Do you think you want to do this?”

  Charity straightened. “I’m positive. This is a great idea. You think Jessica will publish it?”

  She will if I don’t tell her what it is until it’s done, Nina thought. “Jessica is very supportive of feminist literature,” she told Charity. “And this would be a feminist memoir, right?”

  “Hell, yes,” Charity said. “This is great. Do I get money?”

  Nina thought fast. “I need a proposal, nothing too detailed that might confuse Jessica. Just a short outline and a sample chapter, maybe your intro. Then I can go to contract and get you an advance. It won’t be much. A thousand tops.”

  “Dollars?” Charity’s eyes widened. “It’s a deal.” She stood up and grabbed her big black leather bag from the table, annoying Fred who’d been hinting for more chips.

  Nina looked up at her, dismayed. “Where are you going?”

  “I’m going home to write,” Charity said as if it should have been obvious. “I can have that proposal on your desk by Monday if I start right away.”

  Nina stood and reached out to her, trying to think of a way to calm her down. “Uh, Charity, writing isn’t that easy. It takes time. It takes—”

  “So I’ll have it on your desk by Wednesday. You know, I’m going to love this.” Charity had grabbed her coat and was at the door. “This is a great idea.” She came flying back to hug Nina. “You’re the best!”

  Then she disappeared out the door, and Nina was left to contemplate the new wrinkle she’d just put in her future. If Charity couldn’t write a book, Nina couldn’t go to contract, and she’d just lost her best friend of twenty years. If Charity could write a book, but it turned out to be unpublishable by Jessica’s standards, Nina had just lost her job. If Charity could write a book, and Jessica through some miracle published it…

  …it would be a hit and Howard Press would be on its way into the black and Jessica would love her and she’d be a success.

  “And pigs will fly,” Nina said and sat back down to finish off the rest of Charity’s milk shake. Fred was in the potato-chip bag again, so she pushed him out of it and then absentmindedly ate a chip, trying to think cheerful thoughts. She wasn’t sure w
hat she’d started, but she was positive she didn’t want to dwell on it or on the impossibly young distraction who lived one floor down, and now she had a whole Friday night all to herself just to dwell on both.

  Fred wiped his nose on her leg.

  “Hello,” she said to him. “I hadn’t forgotten you. Want to watch a video? Because no matter how pitiful you look, I am not publishing your memoirs. Not enough sex in your life, buddy.” She thought of Alex and his damn fingers. “Or in mine, for that matter.” Then she squelched the thought. She was not going to start fantasizing about Alex Moore.

  Fred put his paws on her leg and whined at her, so she gave him the last of Charity’s milk shake. A scant inch of chocolate and Amaretto couldn’t hurt him, and he was so pitiful when he whined. She watched him slurp the last of it, his nose jammed into the glass, and then she stood and threw out the rest of the chips and went back to the table to start on the twit’s manuscript.

  It was worse than she had remembered, so she was grateful when the doorbell rang. She grabbed her blue seersucker robe and deserted the manuscript with indecent haste, only to feel her heart thump when she opened the door and found Alex leaning in her doorway, this time in a white tailored shirt and navy dress pants, his tie loose and lopsided around his neck.

  “Hi,” he said slowly and distinctly. “Remember me?”

  “Yes.” Nina peered at him. He did a little weaving on the doorsill, his eyes bright but half-closed. “Been drinking, have we?”

  Alex’s laugh sloughed into an exhale. “I don’t know about you, but I have. It’s my birthday. My whole damn family bought me a drink. One at a time. All day.” He frowned at her, as if trying to bring her into focus. “Do you have any coffee? I only ask because you looked like a woman who would have coffee when I was up here last night.”

  Great. And she’d been thinking hot thoughts about this delinquent all day. God, she was pathetic. Well, somebody had to sober him up. “I have coffee.” Nina tied the belt around her robe tighter and stepped back to let him in.