I Spy... Three Novellas

by Josh Lanyon

  He wasn’t judging me; not his style. But I still wanted him to understand that it wasn’t just funk. That the decision was at least partly practical. I said, “I’m so tired. I don’t think I have what it takes anymore. I’m not…absolutely sure I could…make it back. If I risk leaving you again.”

  His arms went so tight around me, I gasped. But when he managed to speak, his voice was even, quite calm. “I’d say that pretty much answers the question, wouldn’t you? You’re not going anywhere.”

  There was a prickle at the back of my eyes.

  “No? I don’t think it can be this simple. I don’t think I can —”

  “I can,” he said flatly. “I can and I will. It will be my pleasure.” He sounded very Southern. I almost laughed except I wasn’t sure it would be laughter. Stephen was the only person in the world who thought I needed protecting.

  Did people like me get happy endings? Doubtful. It was hard to steady my voice. “Do you think we’re going to make it?”

  He paused too long before saying, “Do you?”

  “I feel like I’m…” I had to stop. I tried again, and it was easier with my eyes closed. “I feel like you don’t believe in…” This? Us? Me? “That you’re going through the motions because it’s the fair thing to do, to give me a chance to see for myself that it won’t —”

  “What?”

  I opened my eyes at the affront in his voice.

  “What the hell are you talking about?” Before I could answer he went on, “You think I’m doing this, living with you, on a trial basis? What would be the purpose of that?”

  I started to speak, and he said—still sounding decidedly pissed off—“If we don’t make it, it will be your choice, Mark. Your decision. Not mine. I’m in for the long haul. As far as I’m concerned, this is it.”

  The few times I’d tried to imagine having this conversation, it hadn’t gone like this: with Stephen offended, even outraged at the idea that he wasn’t fully committed to making it work. But then he would think that, wouldn’t he? Even if I was right? He would certainly be giving it —

  “No,” he said flatly, and my eyes jerked to his face. “Whatever you’re thinking, whatever you’ve convinced yourself of, no. You’re not here on sufferance. I love you. I love you so much it scares me. It’s not reasonable to care this much for anyone, but…I do. And believe me, if it was possible to talk myself out of it, I’d have done it long before I ever let you move in here. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Christ, I’ve killed for you. And I’d do it again. I love you.”

  I clenched my jaw against the emotion threatening to tear out of me, wrapped my arm around his neck, and buried my face against his throat.

  “I love you,” he said again, very softly against my ear. “And I’m not letting you sacrifice yourself. Not to Afghanistan, not to an ex-lover, and sure as hell not to some noble ideal. So say good-bye to the past and all those ghosts who have you convinced that you don’t deserve to be happy.” His lips found mine, a soft kiss on my tight mouth, and my own lips relaxed. I kissed him back.

  And as tired as I was, I realized that I wasn’t that tired. That there was, in fact, life in the old boy yet.

  Stephen glanced down at the prod of my erection and smiled a slow, gentle smile. His hand moved down to free himself and then me, and his equally hard cock slid against my own.

  I kissed the thin skin of his neck, nipped delicately as Stephen responded, then harder. I could feel him smiling as his mouth trailed hot and silky, leaving a trail of wet from throat to nipple. He licked me, his tongue rasping against the sensitive points, and I gasped. When it was good between us, it was wicked good.

  The bed springs pinged as he shifted around, and when I pried my eyes open, he was crouched over me, his breath warm on the head of my cock.

  I spy with my little eye…

  “You don’t have to do that,” I said quickly.

  “You always say that,” Stephen said. “I never understood why. I thought you were the only guy in the world who didn’t like it. Well, guess what? I like doing this for you. So you’re just going to have to get used to being loved.”

  His mouth closed on my cock, hot, wet, luscious. He began to suck me, taking my swollen, pulsing prick deep in his throat.

  Say good-bye was about right. I arched my back and cried out—and wondered dimly if they heard me all the way to London.

  I Spy Something Christmas

  Josh Lanyon

  “Men’s courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead,” said Scrooge. “But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change.”

  Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

  Chapter One

  I don’t trust any man who says if he had the chance to live his life over, he wouldn’t do it all differently

  Right. Maybe not all, maybe not everything, but if I had it all to do again, I’d make bloody well sure I woke up fewer times in hospital. Although finding Stephen sitting at my bedside was some compensation for the pounding head and throbbing shoulder.

  “How do you feel?” His voice was low, his green eyes dark and unsmiling.

  I nodded, licked my lips, got out, “Brilliant. What happened?”

  I rather thought I knew what had happened, seeing that it wasn’t the first time it had happened—so Stephen’s terse, “Someone shot you,” wasn’t the shock it might have been. Or perhaps should have been.

  “You’re going to be fine,” Stephen added reassuringly. He probably needed the reassurance more than I did. This wasn’t routine for him. Actually, it wasn’t routine for me either anymore, not since I gave up the spy game seven months ago and settled down so Stephen could make an honest man of me.

  “I’m all right.” I squeezed his hand and he squeezed back.

  The room was as dark as hospital rooms get—not particularly dark—so it was clearly very late. The window across from the bed offered a view of lightless night. Now and again white splotches hit the glass and vanished. It was snowing again.

  After a time it occurred to me to ask, “Who shot me?”

  “You don’t remember?”

  I put a hand up to my head. There was a plaster over my left temple, and stitches beneath the adhesive bandage. “No. What happened?”

  Stephen was watching me closely. “That’s what the campus police and the sheriff’s office would like to know.”

  “It happened at the university?”

  “Yes. Outside the library.”

  “Was anyone else hurt?”

  “No.”

  I waited for him to go on, but he said, “I’m not supposed to discuss it with you until you’ve given your statement.”

  Confusing. Very.

  “It’s going to be a brief statement. The last I recall I was sitting inside Smith Library reading.”

  “I see. That’s the official explanation?” Stephen sounded very Southern Gentleman. His face gave nothing away, which in itself was a tell. My heart sank. I’d hoped the old distrust and disappointment were behind us.

  “It’s the only explanation.”

  He didn’t believe me. He was too polite to say so, what with my being injured, but I was getting to know Stephen pretty well by now.

  “I don’t lie to you, Stephen.”

  He nodded. He still held my hand, so I preferred to concentrate on what he was communicating by touch. His thumb feathered across my knuckles. Shhh. Shhh now…

  My head was thumping away in time with my heartbeats. More than anything I wanted to close my eyes and forget my troubles for a while. But that was not an option.

  I said, “When can I get out of here?”

  “Honey, you’re not going anywhere.” Stephen sounded definite on that score. “You’ve got a concussion. They’re going to keep you at least forty-eight hours for observation and tests.”

  “No. Not necessary.”

  “It’s absolutely necessary.”

  “I’m not spending the night here. I h
ate hospitals.”

  “I know,” Stephen said dryly. “It’s a little awkward, me being a doctor and all.”

  I sputtered a laugh and sat up gingerly. I couldn’t have been too concussed since I didn’t keel over again, but the blood thudded in my temples and my stomach gave a dangerous lurch. I was out of practice, that was the trouble.

  Stephen let go of my hand and stood over me. He put his hands on my shoulders—my good shoulder anyway—trying to press me back against the pillows, but I wasn’t having any of it, and he wasn’t prepared to wrestle me down. “Mark, this is idiotic. It’s after midnight.”

  “Then it’s high time we were home and in bed.” I held my arm with the IV out to him. “Will you do the honors or shall I?”

  He swore under his breath then gently, deftly, unhooked me. I stood up, gripping the bed rail for support.

  “Mark—”

  “I know. Can you take care of everything? Fill in the forms? Talk to whomever you have to talk to.”

  “It doesn’t work like that!”

  But it did and we both knew it. “Stephen, I need your co—help. I can’t sleep here. I want to go home.” That was true, but more to the point, until I knew what had happened to me—and why—I needed to be on my own turf where I could more effectively assess and respond to potential threat.

  Stephen said again, helplessly, “Mark.” He did not often sound helpless.

  “I’m all right. Truly. Or I will be once we’re home.” I offered what I hoped was a conciliatory smile. Stephen reached out to steady me.

  “This is crazy. You need to get back in that bed. Now.”

  I pulled away from him, though it was the last thing I wanted to do. It was a little unsettling the way Stephen brought out in me a desire to let go, to lean. “Where are my clothes?”

  He sucked in a breath and I forestalled the imminent explosion. “Stephen, you’re a doctor. I couldn’t be in better hands, right? I’ll recover much faster at home.”

  “Sit down,” he ordered. “Don’t move until I get back.”

  I obeyed, sitting on the edge of the bed and holding my hands up to illustrate perfect compliance. He left the room. I closed my eyes and concentrated on not falling over. I felt completely and utterly wretched, but it was all right now. Things were in motion. Stephen would handle everything. It was one of the things I liked best about him; he was a man who got things done. If he said he would do a thing, there was nothing left to do but make out the report. It was a trait I had valued highly in my previous line of work, but it was just as useful in civilian life.

  The door opened and Stephen was back. I wondered if there would ever come a time my heart didn’t lift at the sight of him. He was a fit and handsome fifty: tall, lean, long legs and broad shoulders. Tonight he wore jeans and a tweedy blue-gray sweater that made his eyes look blue and his hair platinum.

  “That didn’t take long.”

  He gave me an unamused look and handed over a plastic bag. “Your personal effects.”

  I put on my watch and the sterling earring Stephen had given me for my last birthday, while he retrieved my jeans and boots from the cabinet against the wall. “They cut your jacket off. Your sweater and your tee shirt, too.”

  “Hell. I liked that jacket. I’d only just broken it in.”

  Stephen pulled his sweater off, and when I started to object, gave me a glinting look. “Ta,” I said meekly.

  I managed to dress without falling over—something Stephen was clearly waiting for—and we crept out into the silent and sterile hall.

  The nurse at the floor station gave us a disapproving look. “Doctor,” she said primly.

  “Nurse.” Stephen sounded equally forbidding, which made me smile. He kept his arm around me. I didn’t really need the support, but I didn’t mind it, either. We got into the lift. The light was hard and unflattering. It seemed to carve grooves around Stephen’s mouth and nose.

  “You look tired,” I said.

  “I am tired.”

  “I’m sorry I put you through this.”

  He shook his head as though there was no response to that, and perhaps there wasn’t.

  Christmas music was playing quietly in the lobby when the lift doors opened. An orchestral version of “Blue Christmas,” my all time least favorite Christmas song. We went past the displays of children’s art: lop-eared reindeer, deformed Santas, and menorahs that looked more like instruments of torture; past the towering and tacky gold Christmas tree; past the closed gift shop, mechanical toys bobbing their heads on the window shelves; past the weary front desk personnel, and out through the automated glass doors.

  The snow had dissolved to a slushy rain. Stephen hustled me across the slippery car park, unlocked the black SUV, and helped me inside. The rain rattled down like nails on a tin roof.

  He climbed into the driver’s seat, started the engine and turned on the heat. The radio blasted on as well, a local news station.

  I pictured Stephen’s drive to the hospital. Sorry, Stephen.

  He turned off the radio. The windscreen wipers squeaked across the glass.

  I shivered. Stephen said, “Are you sure you’re up to this?”

  “Of course.”

  He shook his head, but he put the vehicle in motion.

  We didn’t talk. It was late, the driving conditions were poor, Stephen was weary. Not the time for a chat.

  I wracked my brain, tried to remember…but it had been an ordinary day. A day like any other. Saturday. The first day of the winter break. It was always quiet at the weekends, but that day the campus was like a ghost town with most of the students and staff already away on holiday.

  I’d had an uneventful and informal afternoon meeting over coffee with my advisor and, knowing that Stephen would be working late, I’d decided to stay and study in the campus library.

  And that was what I’d done. The last clear memory I had was of trying to ignore my growling stomach—I hadn’t bothered with dinner—while reading a particularly dull paragraph on classroom audio systems.

  After that…nothing.

  “They shot me twice and didn’t manage to hit anything vital?” It wasn’t really a question. I was mostly thinking aloud, thinking that it was either an amateur or a warning. Except there was no reason for anyone to warn me off. I wasn’t involved in anything.

  “They?” Stephen inquired.

  “Assuming, that’s all.”

  “Assuming what?”

  “Not sure, really.”

  Stephen’s terse tone told me he believed I was prevaricating. “You were shot once. In the shoulder. Not much more than a graze. You hit your head when you fell. That’s how you got the concussion.”

  “I fell?”

  Stephen nodded. “The walkway was wet and slick.”

  “Blimey.”

  The miles rolled by and Stephen’s grim muteness began to impinge on my consciousness. Belatedly, I thought again about what a hellish shock he must have had when he got the phone call that I’d been shot. The original Bad Boyfriend. That was me.

  It was more than shock, though. I could feel his tension, his…anger? No, not anger. Worry, yes. But more. Suspicion.

  I broke the lull. “Stephen, I give you my word I’m not involved in anything.”

  “And if you were, you couldn’t tell me anyway.”

  “I would tell you. We agreed. No lies between us.”

  “We did agree.”

  “But you think I’m lying?”

  I could feel him weighing his words. “I think if you thought it was safer—safer for me, certainly—you’d withhold information. I don’t suppose you’d think of it as lying.”

  “Give me a little credit.”

  I didn’t like the silence that followed my words. Stephen said at last, “We don’t need to talk about this now. You’re feeling like hell whether you want to admit it or not. I’m not giving you any ultimatums.”

  “Marvelous.”

  He must have heard the bitterness in m
y tone. He said painstakingly, “I love you, Mark. Nothing changes that.”

  But he was hurt and disappointed.

  As was I. Despite all we had been through, despite the last months of domestic tranquility, Stephen didn’t trust me.

  A blue Christmas indeed.

  Chapter Two

  Flannel sheets, soft, warm duvets, down-filled pillows. Would I ever take these homey comforts for granted? I didn’t think so. So much of my life seemed to have been spent in sleeping bags, on rocky ground or sitting upright, back to the wall and pistol in my lap. Lying back in bed felt like sinking into a cloud.

  “Thank Christ,” I muttered, closing my eyes. Home safe and sound. My shoulder gave a twinge. Safe anyway.

  “How’s the head?” Stephen asked from somewhere overhead.

  “Fine.”

  “Shoulder?”

  “Fine.”

  “No, Buck,” Stephen said sharply, and I heard Buck’s nails scratch the wooden floor as he was shoved away from the bed. I didn’t have the energy to open my eyes. Stephen, again close at hand, said, “I can give you something if it will help you rest.”

  “No need.”

  He moved quietly around the bed, shifting the pillows behind my shoulder, straightening the duvet. Not fussing. Stephen wasn’t a man who fussed. He was a man who understood pain and had made it his life’s mission to alleviate it where he could.

  “Better?”

  I assented without words.

  He turned out the light. I said, “Don’t go.” I opened my eyes.

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  I watched his silhouette undress, neat and quiet, and then he climbed in beside me, careful not to jar the mattress. He needn’t have worried. This bash on the head and creased shoulder were nothing. I’d had much worse.

  He settled a considerate few centimeters away. I reached out, tugged his wrist. He eased his way over and we wrapped our arms around each other. I buried my face in the curve of his neck, breathed in his scent. Before Stephen I would never have believed antiseptic and mouthwash could provide such a sexy base note to a bloke’s aftershave.