Before, There Was You

by Kit Harlow

  Once the truck was turned in, Kate hopped into the passenger seat and smirked. “I can’t believe it! You actually bought a car.”

  I couldn’t help but grin. “This is so much more than a car,” I said happily. “It has a kitchen, a heater, a bed—it’s a complete camper!”

  “So you’re going to what? Live on the road?”

  I pulled out slowly into traffic and smiled. “Maybe over the summer. I was thinking of working remotely and traveling up through the White Mountains.” I glanced at her nervously. “It could easily turn into a series,” I mused. “Lost in the Woods: a City Slicker’s Guide to Getting Away from It All.” It was the first time I’d pitched the idea to anyone.

  Katie laughed. “Liz, you can’t go more than a day between showers. What are you going to do out in the woods?”

  “I’m trying something new.”

  “Well, I think it’s a great idea. I’d read it.” She didn’t look at me as she said it.

  We fell into silence again for a few minutes before Katie finally said what was on her mind. “I’m seeing someone.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat and forced a smile. “I’m happy for you.”

  “Are you?”

  A laugh bubbled up from my tightly wound core. “No. But I don’t want you to be as unhappy as I am. So, if she makes you happy, I’m happy for you.”

  Katie nodded and sighed. “How are you?”

  I kept my eyes on the road, doing my best not to look at her. If I did, it was only a matter of seconds before I lost my composure.

  “Well, I’m newly divorced, turning into a workaholic, and still have no appreciable social life. But I’m surviving.”

  She stared at me, concern etched on her face.

  “What do you want me to say, Kat?” The question was harsher than I’d expected it to be. “That I don’t miss you anymore? That I’m not constantly wishing you’d taken me back when I came to New York? What?”

  She looked down at her feet and curled her hands into fists in her lap.

  “The truth is I miss you. And I probably always will because I belong to you. But if you’re happy with someone else, I can learn to live with it.” Because what other choice is there? I asked myself silently.

  She still wouldn’t look at me, but even in my periphery, I could see that her shoulders were tight. We drove the rest of the way in silence and made our way up to Em’s apartment where I pretended nothing had happened. I was there for Em, not Katie. I could be happy for her and relieved that I had at least one friend from my past that was still in my life.

  Most of the stuff was easy to unpack. Emily hadn’t acquired much in the way of possessions since moving out of the dorms several years ago, and it made the afternoon go quickly. She did her best to intervene between me and Katie, but the sad looks she flashed me felt like a knife in my gut every time I noticed them. By dinner time, I could barely stand it and begged out of the promised pizza, using work as an excuse.

  ◆◆◆

  I headed home, ready to distract myself with a glass of wine, Netflix, and possibly even a good book.

  It worked for a few hours until my phone rang and pulled me out of my thoughts. I looked at the name and smiled.

  “Hey, David.”

  “Liz, I have a question for you.”

  “Okay, shoot,” I replied. Already, I felt more relaxed than I had all day.

  He cleared his throat and hesitated. “Actually, can we FaceTime? I need your opinion.”

  I punched the video button and waited for him to pick up. My dearest ex-husband propped the phone up on his dresser and held up two ties.

  “Green or blue?” he asked nervously.

  I looked at the shirt he was wearing with dismay. “Are you really wearing that purple monstrosity?”

  He glanced down and blushed. “What? You love this shirt.”

  I laughed. “Not with those ties I don’t. Do you still have that charcoal pinstripe tie my dad gave you?”

  He disappeared from view for a second, leaving me to study what had been our bedroom for several years. It looked much the same, but David had picked out all the furniture and decorations, so it wasn’t surprising.

  A few seconds later, he came back into frame with the tie in question. “This one?”

  I nodded. “Forget the other two. Stick with that one. It’ll go with your suit jacket.” I paused. “Wait, are you wearing jeans or slacks?”

  He blushed again.

  “Jeans?” he nodded. “For the love of God, David. Ditch the tie altogether. And untuck your shirt. You can still wear the suit jacket, but don’t button it up.”

  He nodded and sighed with relief, tossing the ties on the bed. “Thank you so much, Liz.”

  “Big date, huh? With the professor, I assume?”

  His smile was genuine and enough to confirm my suspicions.

  “How’s your love life going?” he asked, concerned. I realized I hadn’t talked to him since visiting New York.

  I groaned. “It’s not. She’s currently seeing someone. Which I just found out about today, so that’s great. But Stephanie promised to introduce me to some of her friends and I found a lesbian speed dating event at one of the local clubs, so I might go,” I said absently.

  “I know that look. You’re not going to follow up with either of those options.”

  David stared at me, clearly worried. “Are you okay,” he asked genuinely.

  “No. But I will be. I just need time.” I rubbed at my eyes absently and forced a smile. “Go have fun on your date and tell me all about it. I’m going to have to live vicariously through you.”

  He chuckled and thanked me for the fashion advice before hanging up. I stared at my phone accusingly. I wanted to call Katie. I wanted to hear her voice. I needed to make my case again, but I was stuck.

  Instead, I headed to the kitchen, poured another glass of wine, and waited for it to be late enough to go to bed.

  By the time I was under the covers and bundled up, I was unable to sleep. I settled on playing a stupid game on my phone just to pass the time. A text message pulled me out of my slug-killing matching game.

  It was good to see you, Katie typed.

  I sighed and struggled not to respond, putting my phone off to the side on the table. It buzzed angrily and continuously.

  “What?” I demanded bitterly.

  “You didn’t answer. I wanted to make sure you were okay.” She was slurring her words and it was clear she was drunk.

  “No, I am not okay, Katie.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah.” I almost hung up, but hesitated.

  My eyes burned and my throat constricted, keeping the hundreds of thoughts and emotions I had from turning into words.

  “I miss you,” she said honestly.

  “God, Kat. Don’t. You have a girlfriend.”

  She laughed. “She’s not my girlfriend. She’s just a fuck buddy.”

  “And that’s supposed to make me feel better? Damn it, Kat! Sleep it off and go back to New York like you’ve always wanted.”

  “But I want you.”

  I swallowed hard. “You won’t in the morning. You’re drunk. You’re always overly sentimental when you’re drunk. Go to bed. Sleep it off.”

  My eyes burned. This was what I’d wanted to hear for the last month, but I couldn’t trust that she really believed what she was saying. I ended the call, turned my phone off, and stared up at the ceiling with frustration. I closed my eyes and did my best to will sleep to come.

  Chapter 26

  The weeks dragged by. Unfortunately, Katie’s late-night admission was fresh in my mind whether I was working a story or sipping a beer with Nate. Her words echoed in my mind, urging me to call her. No matter how much I longed for her voice, I resisted. Calling her would only make things more difficult, I reasoned. But I could talk to Em without things getting weird. I asked her to meet me for lunch under the pretense of finding out how her first month on the job went.

 
; Em waved at me from the booth she’d managed to snag off in the corner of our favorite burrito joint right as I walked through the door. I smiled and peeled off my damp coat as I walked towards the sanctuary that was lunch with my now best friend.

  “I ordered for you.” She passed me my drink and a straw as I settled into the seat.

  “Thank you,” I replied with relief. The morning had been hectic to say the least and the latest photographer James had hired to replace Katie quit after little more than a week. It boggled my mind—the job wasn’t that high pressure. We were all friendly and tried to make the new hires feel comfortable, but they just never stuck around.

  Em’s smile faded as she studied my face intently. “Christ, Liz.” She rested her hand on my forearm gently. “You look like shit.”

  “Gee, thanks.” I rolled my eyes and pulled my arm back into my lap. “We’ve just been so busy. I’ve had to do double duty and take my own pictures for articles because Nate is only one person and our freelance team is full up.”

  “Didn’t James hire someone?” she asked confused.

  I rubbed at my tired eyes and sighed. “Multiple someones, but they keep leaving. James caught wind of my college interest in photography and gave me a camera with strict instructions to handle my own images. I swear, that man is going to work me to death.”

  “Talk to him. He did the same thing with Kat when she started. Just explain that it’s too much.”

  “The horrible thing is if I’m not this busy, all I can think of is her. I’m exhausted and I can’t seem to come up for air because when I try, I just miss her.”

  She stared at me flatly. “You get one question.”

  “What?”

  “One question about Kat and I’ll give you my honest answer,” she explained patiently. Her arms crossed over her chest as she waited.

  “Is she happy?” I blurted out.

  Em sighed and met my eyes. “No.” She ran her fingers through her long blonde hair and took a slow deep breath. “No, she’s not,” she repeated.

  I waited for her to continue, praying that if I was patient, she would expand on her answer. It worked.

  “She asks about you every time she calls and when she visits, she drives past The Wire at least once a day. I think she wants to talk to you, but she’s scared.”

  “Of what?” I practically shouted. “I’d give anything to hear her voice.”

  Em smirked. “Exactly. She’s scared because you still love her. She’s scared of what that means and terrified of the fact that you left David, went to New York, confessed your feelings, and are willing and ready to take her back.”

  “Then why isn’t she here? If she knows I’d take her back, why isn’t she here sitting with us? What is she waiting for?”

  Em struggled with what she was about to say, clearly not sure if I was deserving of the information. “She’s afraid of losing you again.”

  She sighed and folded her hands in front of her on the table. “You broke her heart twice now. Can you really blame her? I love you, Liz, but you don’t have the best track record when it comes to dating my sister.”

  The words hung heavily between us, but they rang with a truth I wasn’t prepared for. My shoulders slumped as I studied the wood grain on the table intently.

  “I know, but this time, I know—truly know—how I feel. She’s it, Em. And if she doesn’t want to risk it, fine. But I want her to know that she’s the only person in the world for me.”

  Em nodded and took a deep breath. “Then, maybe you should try calling her. She probably won’t answer, but I know for a fact she’ll listen to a voicemail.”

  ◆◆◆

  That evening, I sat on my couch, staring at the television without seeing what was on. It had become my nightly ritual and tonight was no different. My phone buzzed and I slowly picked it up, not feeling like talking to anyone. It was a text from David asking if I was free to talk. I pulled his contact info up and called him immediately.

  “I’ve been thinking,” he answered.

  I chuckled. “That’s dangerous of you, David.”

  He pressed on. “When was the last time you talked to her?”

  “If by ‘her,’ you mean, Katie, it’s been a month and a half,” I simplified. I could have told him down to the minute how long it’d been since I’d talked to her.

  He took a deep breath. “Call her,” he stated plainly.

  “And say what?” My reply was short…harsher than I’d meant it to be. But I was tired of hurting.

  “Tell her the truth, Liz. Tell her you miss her. Tell her that you’re miserable and you’d do anything to get her back.” He paused and I could practically see him pacing nervously in our old apartment. “Fight for her. Don’t you dare just roll over and take it.”

  “David…”

  “I found a letter you wrote to her,” he interrupted. “It was wedged between the cushions and it fell out when I was cleaning the couch.”

  “You read it?” I asked, embarrassed. I’d written the letter shortly after moving back to Northampton with him, but never got the nerve to send it.

  “I did. And, Liz, if I’d known then how you felt, I would have insisted you turn around and go straight back to Boston. I think you need to tell her exactly how you feel. She deserves that. And you deserve to be happy.” He sighed. “Look, I know I’m the last person you want relationship advice from, but if you truly love her the way you say you do, tell her. Fight for her.”

  Tears streamed down my face and I struggled to catch my breath.

  “I love you Liz. I want you to be happy. But sometimes, you have to fight for that happiness.”

  I openly sobbed with my ex-husband on the other line as he whispered words of comfort and encouragement in my ear.

  “Thank you,” I gulped.

  “Call her.” He hung up without another word.

  I stared at the phone in my hand and weighed my options. What did I really have to lose? My pride? That was already long gone. I dialed her number and hit send before I could second-guess myself.

  It rang once and went straight to voicemail—she was ignoring me, just like Em said she would.

  “Kat, it’s me,” I started nervously. “I know I shouldn’t be calling, but this is the last time. I need to at least tell you this now and if you don’t feel the same, just tell Em and I’ll leave you alone. I promise. You won’t ever have to talk to me again.”

  I drew a long and shaky breath and composed my thoughts.

  “I love you. I have always loved you and I will always belong to you. I’m prepared to fight for you. I’m scared of how you make me feel, but I’m more terrified of not having you in my life. If you’re worried about losing me again or aren’t calling me because you’re afraid I’ll walk away, don’t be. I’m yours.” I hung up the phone, set it on the coffee table, and headed to shower. I couldn’t believe I’d done it, but now that my feelings were out there again, the ball was in Katie’s court. All I could do was wait.

  Chapter 27

  Fall finally gave way to winter and, as the weeks went by, I found myself completely engrossed in work. I barely spent any time at home, preferring the activity of the office to the loneliness of my apartment. Before I knew it, December had rolled around and Boston was coming alive with the Christmas spirit.

  The office was decorated, Nate and Stephanie were planning on spending the holidays with their families, and I was gearing up for my first Christmas completely on my own. Even Em was busy—Kat would likely be visiting her in Boston since she hadn’t been back since the move. She wanted to invite me, but we both knew it would be too awkward. I was not thrilled by the prospect of spending the holiday alone, but what could I do?

  James pulled me aside and invited me to Christmas with him and Karen, but I didn’t want to intrude. I politely thanked him and silently vowed to host my own horror movie fest even if that meant I would be alone. Since it was the Friday before Christmas Eve, I was the only one left in the office by 5pm. And
I was in no hurry to head back to my apartment.

  Boston was magical. Lights hung on trees everywhere, lighting the city up like one massive Christmas tree. I paused and took a few pictures on my way home, my new DSLR ever ready at my hip. I’d decided to do at least one thing each day that made me happy and, at the moment, that was photography.

  Though the walk home was cold, the thought of taking the bus home just felt like an utter waste of time, especially when there were so many lights around, just begging to be looked at and captured on film.

  I continued walking, watching my breath form clouds in front of me. The night was peaceful and Christmas was just around the corner. For the first time in years, I’d be on my own. Alone…well, not alone. I had friends, but I still felt lonely and the pile of horror movies waiting on my coffee table would do little to distract me from the fact that I was undeniably single. Absently, I texted David to tell him happy holidays and forced my feet to keep moving forward. The phone rang, and I answered excitedly. I was tired of living a life of solitude.

  “Happy holidays to you, too,” David said happily. I smiled. “How’s Boston treating you?”

  “It’s cold, but absolutely beautiful. How’s Northampton?”

  There was a lot of noise in the background. “Well, I’m in Toronto right now, so I imagine good, but...”

  “Toronto?”

  I could practically hear him grin. “Yeah, Vanessa wanted to get away for the weekend.” He whispered something to Vanessa and I heard a door shut behind him. “How did that phone call go?” he asked genuinely.

  “It’s up to her. I’ve done everything I can. Now all I can do is wait and see what happens.”

  He sighed. “Liz, she loves you. She’ll come around. Just be patient.” He cleared his throat. “Listen, I have to go. We’re heading out to dinner soon.”

  He was happy and I was glad for him. “Have fun. Call me after the New Year.”

  “I will. Merry Christmas, Liz.”