Bring Me Back

by B. A. Paris

  I was dreading meeting Ellen that day. The only direct contact I’d had with her had been a letter I’d received a couple of months after Layla’s disappearance, telling me that she knew I wouldn’t have done anything to hurt her sister. It had only compounded the guilt I felt and I hoped that seven years on, it wouldn’t be visible on my face. But apart from her eyes, Ellen was very different to Layla. If she’d had the same red hair, the same freckled skin, I would have found it difficult. She was slimmer than Layla, more conservatively dressed, more reserved. In short, she was the proverbial older sister and it seemed on that first meeting that she never smiled. It was still awkward though, and with my mind on Layla, I left Tony to do the talking.

  Tony and I carried the box up Pharos Hill between us, Ellen following behind with a small bag of tools, Peggy at our heels. We put the bench together in near silence, and after, we’d sat side by side, each of us lost in our own thoughts, while Peggy played with the empty packaging. And sitting there in the late afternoon sun, with someone who had known Layla better than I had, and someone who hadn’t known her at all, I’d felt a kind of peace.

  I told myself I’d go back to Devon every year, on the anniversary of Layla’s disappearance or on her birthday, or on the anniversary of the day we put up the bench, but I never have. I preferred to forget about Devon, taught myself to not even think about it. It’s the email I just received which has stirred up all these memories.

  It came in on my work email and was from someone claiming to be looking for a house to buy in Devon. It made me immediately suspicious. I’ve never sold the cottage where I lived with Layla so, technically, I do have one I could sell. But how would they know this? There aren’t many people who know I still own it. Even Ellen doesn’t know. She’s never asked about the cottage, just as she never asked why I don’t have any photos of Layla in the house. When she moved in, she didn’t ask if she could put any up, which meant a lot to me, that she’d understood. Neither of us needs reminding that it’s Layla who binds us together.

  I look again at the email, a random message sent to addresses on a mailing list, I presume. There’s no name but it’s contained in the email address rudolph.hill@outlook.com. So who is Rudolph Hill and how much does he know? I decide to treat it as a genuine enquiry – which it could very well be – and send back a quick Sorry I can’t help.

  To my surprise, a reply comes straight back.

  What about the cottage in St Mary’s? Surely you’re not going to keep it, now that you’re going to marry the sister?

  My heart gives an almighty thud. I read the email again, thinking I must have misread it. But it’s even more disturbing than before, because this time, there can be no mistake.

  I try to be objective. Rudolph Hill, or the source behind him, has to be someone who knows my past. Ellen’s announcement about our engagement will have been logged online somewhere, and knowing the relentless competitive drive in journalists to find a new story – or a new angle to an old story – there are probably Google alerts set up for my name. So this could simply be a reporter wanting to make a story out of ‘Partner of Missing Woman Hangs on to Cottage Despite Plans to Marry Sister’ or some equally puerile headline. He must have done some digging to know that I still own the cottage in St Mary’s. Or used old knowledge. Is it the same person who left the Russian dolls? Are both these things part of some elaborate plan to make trouble for me? But who would want to? Because the Russian dolls were left with such ease, it has to be someone local.

  A voice in my head hisses Ruby’s name. I never found out if she was responsible for the ‘Partner of Missing Woman Moves Sister In’ article, because it didn’t really matter, even if it did stir up some animosity towards Ellen. I don’t remember the name of her journalist cousin but it could be Rudolph Hill.

  I find it hard to believe that Ruby would do such a thing. I understand that she’s sore at me over Ellen, I understand she feels I treated her badly, and I did. But why play games, and why now, why not last year when Ellen first moved in with me? It has to be more than just to get back at me. I look at the email again, at the mention of my marriage to Ellen. And then it hits. The wedding. It changes everything – at least, in Ruby’s eyes, because it makes my relationship with Ellen permanent.

  I go and find Ellen. She’s in the kitchen, standing in front of the open fridge, looking at its contents, Peggy sitting hopefully beside her. She turns at my arrival and her face lights up, reminding me how lucky I am to have her.

  ‘I was wondering what to make for lunch,’ she says.

  I go over and slide my hands around her waist.

  ‘Wonder no longer,’ I tell her. ‘I’m taking you out.’

  Turning up at The Jackdaw with Ellen is the best way I can think of to test Ruby, see what her reaction is when she sees me standing there so soon after her email. And safer than confronting her in private, where I might find it harder to keep hold of the anger I feel at her stupid games.

  I pull Ellen towards me, and her body folds into mine. I bend my head to kiss her and when she responds passionately, we almost end up having sex, right there in front of the fridge.

  ‘Are you sure you want to go out for lunch?’ she murmurs when I begin to pull away. But I need to get this thing with Ruby sorted.

  ‘Yes,’ I say. ‘Let’s walk down to The Jackdaw.’ She looks questioningly at me. ‘We’ve given Ruby enough time to get used to the idea that we’re getting married,’ I explain. ‘Besides, Peggy is missing Buster and I could murder a steak-and-ale pie.’

  I run upstairs to fetch my wallet and we walk down to the village, our fingers locked together. I walk fast because I’m impatient to get there, impatient to put an end to the uncertainty of the last three weeks, when Ellen found the first Russian doll. I want – need – to get back to how we were before, without memories of Layla intruding on us. But with Peggy stopping to explore under every hedge, it’s impossible to hurry, so I content myself with imagining the look on Ruby’s face when Ellen and I walk in.

  The Jackdaw is packed, as it always is on a Friday lunchtime, with tourists outnumbering the locals, who know to avoid the rush and arrive later in the afternoon, once it’s over. There aren’t any free tables in the garden so we make our way inside. Buster is in his basket next to the bar and opens his eyes to check us out before he goes first to Peggy, then to Ellen, who bends so that he can lick her face, so different from Layla, who was too scared to touch dogs.

  Peggy slopes off to drink some watered-down beer from Buster’s bowl and out of the corner of my eye I see Ruby coming towards us, her dark curls held back from her face by a red bandana, a bunch of silver bracelets on her arm. She likes to pretend she has gypsy blood but the truth is that her dark skin and black hair are a legacy from her Italian grandparents.

  ‘Long time no see!’ she says, greeting us with a kiss. ‘I hope you haven’t been avoiding me.’ There’s amusement in her voice as she says this, as if she knows that we’ve been keeping out of her way since the wedding announcement appeared and I have to admire how good an actress she is. But when she insists on opening a bottle of champagne to celebrate our forthcoming wedding, doubt begins to creep in. I know Ruby well, and what you see is what you get.

  We leave Peggy with Buster, and Ruby finds us a table. She fetches three glasses and pours the champagne.

  ‘You’ve got yourself a good one there,’ she says to Ellen, raising her glass. ‘You too, Finn,’ she adds, which is generous of her because I know she thinks Ellen is wrong for me and not just because she’s Layla’s sister. ‘I hope you’ll both be very happy.’

  After five minutes of perfectly normal small-talk, all to do with the wedding, which will take place at the end of September in the little stone church in the next village along, Ruby takes our order and leaves – but not after raising her eyebrows at me when Ellen orders a small salad and no starter. There’s no malice in her gesture, just a good-natured Seriously? Is that all she’s having? I can see where she’s co
ming from – in contrast to Ruby herself, Ellen watches her weight constantly. She’s super-slim without an ounce of fat on her and no amount of encouragement will persuade her to have anything remotely calorific. I used to tease Layla about the amount she ate and also about the weight she’d started to put on once we moved to Devon. That’s the thing about losing someone; you tend to remember every careless remark, even those made in jest.

  While we’re waiting for Ruby to bring lunch, we finish the champagne and while we’re drinking it, I’m wondering why it isn’t adding up, why this Ruby seems so at odds with the Ruby behind the dolls and emails. So maybe it’s not Ruby, maybe it’s somebody else.

  The hardest thing I’ve had to deal with over the years is the possibility that Layla was kidnapped from the car park in France. At first, I thought she’d run away because of what happened that night, and that she would quickly turn up safe and sound. But as the days wore on, then the weeks and months, I had to consider what the police believed, which was that she’d been taken by someone, either the driver of the car I’d seen parked outside the toilet block, or the driver of the lorry I’d seen taking the slip road. Despite huge efforts on the part of the French police, no trace was ever found of either driver, even though I’d been able to give them a fairly good description of the man I’d seen. The photo-fit circulated to the general public had brought up no names. Like Layla, he had disappeared into thin air so it was logical to presume that he had taken her from the picnic area.

  So if Ruby isn’t behind the Rudolph Hill alias, who is? And more to the point, what does he know about Layla’s disappearance?

  TWELVE

  Before

  At the end of the summer, we moved from the flat I’d been renting since my argument with Harry. I hadn’t seen him again. You begged me to apologise but I wasn’t sure he’d forgive me. Instead, I handed in my notice behind his back and then I left, collecting our stuff from the flat while he was at work. When I think about it now, I’m so ashamed of my behaviour back then. But the love I felt for you made me crazy, made me do crazy things.

  I have a confession to make – do you remember that earlier that year, I took you to Devon for a week? Well, it was because I wanted to see if you liked it there. And you’d loved it. We’d toured around, staying in B&Bs, exploring the beautiful beaches and the surrounding countryside and it was all part of my plan. When I began looking in estate agents’ windows, you’d been enthusiastic about me buying a property there. Then you found the cottage, only a few minutes’ walk from the beach in St Mary’s. I bought it and let you choose the furniture, so that you would feel the cottage was yours too. Do you remember how we laughed when you ordered a double bed so big that it took up most of the bedroom? And still my feet hung out the end of it.

  When I first suggested that we move there permanently you’d been hesitant, as I knew you’d be. So I promised that if you didn’t like it, we’d move back to London. Those first months in St Mary’s were so happy. We never tired of each other’s company and would walk for miles along the beach. For the first time, I felt as if I had a home. One of my greatest pleasures was seeing our shoes in the hall, your little size fives next to my enormous thirteens. I loved it when you slipped your shoes inside mine, because they easily fitted. To me it was physical proof that I was carrying you through tough times. Except that when life had got tough, I hadn’t carried you at all.

  That winter in Devon was difficult for you, I know. Maybe it reminded you of the winters on Lewis, because it came in so suddenly and angrily; the wind whipping relentlessly against our faces as we walked on the beach, the sky heavy and grey. And whenever a postcard arrived from Ellen – a different view of Lewis each time – you became so sad I thought at first she was reprimanding you for staying away for so long. But when you read them out to me, I saw that she was only happy for you in your new life, and decided that what you felt was guilt at leaving her behind, not sadness.

  Once Christmas had been and gone you became restless, and I began to worry that you would hold me to my promise and ask to return to London. In an effort to distract you I booked a ski trip in Megève. Harry and I had rented a chalet there several times, and I hoped the break would give you the space to love Devon again. All I wanted was for you to be happy, which is why I asked if you would like Ellen to join us.

  I suggested that she came for a week, offering to pay for a local nurse to look after your father. But you said that Ellen wouldn’t come and became angry, so that in the end I wished I’d never suggested it. In an effort to understand, I asked if you felt guilty that Ellen was stuck on Lewis while you had escaped. Do you remember your answer? ‘Escaped?’ you said. ‘I escaped from Lewis and now, here I am, stuck in a backwater in Devon.’ You’d smiled, wanting to take the sting out of your words, but I heard the reality behind them and promised that when we came back from Megève, I’d take you anywhere that you wanted.

  But I never got the chance.

  THIRTEEN

  Now

  I can’t stop analysing the emails. My feet pound the rough river pathway but I can’t lift the pressure I feel, no matter how fast I run. I googled Rudolph Hill earlier; there are hundreds of Rudolph Hills, all of whom seem to live in the US. Not one of them lives in the UK.

  I double back through the wood, and by the time I reach the house, my leg muscles are screaming from the exertion. I have a cold shower and head out to my office. I check how Villiers’ investment funds are doing, then reread the emails from Rudolph Hill. Suddenly impatient, I pull my keyboard towards me.

  Who are you? I type.

  A few seconds later, an email arrives in my inbox, from the Rudolph Hill address.

  Who do you think I am?

  I stare at the message, astounded at the rapidity of the response. It’s as if the sender has been sitting at the computer since yesterday, waiting for me to get back to him.

  Who are you? I ask again.

  You have my email address

  I sit back in my chair, thinking hard. Why ‘you have my email address’, why not, ‘you have my name’? As I suspected, Rudolph Hill is an alias. I stare hard at it, puzzling it out, rearranging the letters, and find myself gasping in shock. If I need proof that Ruby is behind the emails, it’s right here on the screen in front of me, the first two letters of her name followed by ‘dolph’. Dolphin. Ruby has dolphin necklaces, dolphin bracelets, she even has a tattoo of a dolphin on her ribcage. I shake my head in disgust at her weak attempt to disguise her identity, hating that she’s taken me for a fool.

  My fingers slam down on the keys.

  Don’t play games with me, Ruby!

  A reply comes back.

  Who is Ruby?

  I give a harsh laugh. Well, she would say that, wouldn’t she? I drum my fingers on the desktop. What to do? Nothing, reason tells me, do nothing. She obviously didn’t get the message yesterday so I’ll carry on taking Ellen to The Jackdaw until she does.

  ‘Again?’ Ellen asks doubtfully, when I tell her we’re having lunch at The Jackdaw. ‘I know Ruby was happy for us when we saw her yesterday but maybe we shouldn’t rub her nose in it too much.’

  ‘It’ll be fine,’ I reassure her, so at one o’clock we walk to the pub with Peggy and have a repeat of yesterday, except that Ruby doesn’t open champagne and I have the spicy lamb curry instead of the pie. I watch her, waiting for a slip-up. But there’s nothing, nothing at all in Ruby’s behaviour to show that she’s less than pleased to see us, and all I can think is that she’s an exceptional actress.

  ‘I’m glad Harry’s agreed to give me away,’ Ellen is saying as she toys with her salad. ‘I was afraid he might refuse.’

  It takes me a while to realise that she’s talking about our wedding. ‘Why would he?’

  ‘Well, he didn’t like Layla very much.’

  I look at her, perplexed by her logic. ‘No, he didn’t, not really. But he does like you.’

  She raises her green eyes to mine. ‘Do you think so? I mean,
I’m never quite sure.’ Her voice trails away. ‘It’s just that when you told him we were getting married, he seemed a bit shocked. I thought maybe he didn’t approve because of who I am.’

  ‘I think he was shocked – in a nice way – at being asked to be best man,’ I say, although I had registered Harry’s momentary shock too. I might not have been married to Layla but in some people’s eyes, the fact that I lived with her amounts to the same thing. Therefore, I shouldn’t be marrying her sister. I hadn’t expected it to bother Harry, though. ‘Harry adores you – maybe a bit too much,’ I go on, reaching for Ellen’s hand across the table. ‘It’s a good job I’m not the jealous kind.’

  ‘He’s coming for lunch on Sunday, isn’t he?’

  ‘Yes,’ I say, because Harry always comes for lunch on the first Sunday of the month.

  ‘Good, I’ll be able to show him my Russian dolls. He’ll be pleased I’ve got a full set at last.’

  ‘Does he know the story then?’ I ask curiously. ‘About how you lost yours as a child?’

  ‘Yes,’ she says. ‘I remember telling him. I wonder what he’ll make of it.’

  There’s something about the way she says it that tells me she’s hoping to find an ally in Harry, as if she knows he’ll side with her and for some reason it annoys me. Much as I’d hoped that Harry would like Ellen more than he’d liked Layla, I sometimes wish he didn’t like her quite as much. A thought pops into my head – that if Layla hadn’t disappeared, we might have become a foursome, me and Layla, Harry and Ellen. Mortified, I chase it away.

  ‘I’ll give him a ring when I get back,’ Ellen says. ‘Just to check that he’s coming.’

  We finish our lunch and I ask Ruby for the bill. The pub is busy so it takes her a while to bring it over, presented as usual on a plate, inside a card with a picture of a jackdaw on the front. Ellen goes to the toilet and I watch Ruby as she talks freely with customers. There isn’t any sign of unease or tension in her body. Frustrated, I fish for my wallet and flip open the card to check the amount of the bill – and there, lying inside, is a little Russian doll.