by Carol Ashby
Silent jerks accompanied the first teardrops as she clung to him. Once more he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. A torrent of hot tears soaked in and warmed his skin despite the wetness.
Penelope began crying as she watched Claudia suffer. Not a good thing for Claudia to see.
“She’ll be all right now. I’ll stay with her for a while. You two can go back to bed.”
Penelope didn’t want to leave, but when Philip flicked his head toward their room, Junia took her arm and led her away.
He held Claudia close, stroking her hair and entangling his fingers in it to massage the back of her head until the torrent became a rivulet and finally stopped.
It was then that she looked at his face and saw the purple bump on his forehead. She reached up to touch it, and he winced.
That drew a fresh trickle of tears down her already damp cheeks. “I made you get hurt. I’m so sorry...for everything.”
He smiled as he shook his head. “The bump is nothing. I grew up with four older brothers. It’s not the first time I’ve had a big bump on my forehead. It will go away quickly enough.”
He swept some tears from her cheek with his fingertips.
“It’s time to stop crying. It was only a dream, and it’s over now.”
The anguish in her eyes was worse than any he’d seen yet. She looked like a wounded animal, waiting and wanting to die.
“I thought the dreams were all over.” Her voice was barely above a whisper as she hung her head and stared at the floor.
“I guess not yet, but I’m sure they will be soon.”
He reached down and fluffed her pillow. “Now, lie down. I’m going to stay with you and read to you for a while so you can get some good sleep tonight. I’ll get my scroll and be right back.”
She lay down on the bed, but she remained propped up on one elbow until he returned.
He lit the lamp over the table and turned the chair to straddle it. That way he could get up and leave without moving it and making any noise that might awaken her.
Her eyes were pleading as she reached out to him.
“Hold my hand...please.”
He gave her his left hand. She clutched it with both of hers and held it against her cheek as she lay her head down on the pillow.
He began to read. “The northern regions are dominated by the highest mountains...”
As Philip’s quiet voice painted images of that distant land, Claudia tried again and again to push away the thought that tormented her most. She thought the nightmares were over after sleeping so well that afternoon, but this really was the worst one yet. When would they end? Would they ever end? How could she bear even one more night like this?
Whenever Philip glanced over at Claudia, silent tears were still flowing, sometimes trickling across his hand where she pressed it to her cheek. He’d read almost twenty panels before her grip relaxed. He read two more to be sure she was deeply asleep. Finally, he slipped his hand out of hers, blew out the lamp, and crept out of the room. He left both doors open so he would hear her if she needed him again.
He climbed into the upper bunk and lay on his back, wide awake for at least an hour, listening and praying for God to open the door for him to tell this beautiful, tormented woman how Jesus could save her and give her peace.
Chapter 28: Not Important After All
Philip was reading in his room early the next morning, waiting for Claudia to rise so he could check on her. Finally, he heard her moving and listened to her footsteps as she emerged from her room. When he stepped into the galley to greet her, she was at the work counter with her back to him. He was about to speak when she reached across the counter and picked up a knife. She raised it over her head as she prepared to plunge it into her heart.
“Stop!”
He leaped forward and gripped her wrist before she could drive the knife downward. He pried her fingers open and tossed the knife aside.
She turned her head to look up at his face. The black agony pierced his heart. He’d never seen total despair in anyone’s eyes before.
Her lip quivered. “I thought they’d be gone, but they’re never going to go away.”
He turned her and encircled her trembling body with sheltering arms. She clung to him, once more the drowning sailor with only him to keep her from sinking into the depths of the sea. Her tears soaked through his tunic again. He stroked her hair, hoping that would comfort her as it had twice before.
“Yes, they will. It just takes time.”
His heart ached for her. If only he could tell her about Jesus, how He loved her, how He saved her, how He would help her through this pain to find peace. But her hatred still burned, and she would never listen, even if he tried.
“But I can’t take it anymore.”
“Yes, you can. For Titus.”
It hadn’t been his intention, but somehow he’d become her anchor in a turbulent sea, holding her back from the whirlpool of misery that threatened to suck her under.
God, help me figure out what I can say or do right now to help her get past this.
She released him and stepped back. Deep sadness deadened her eyes as she looked up at him.
He pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “And for me. Please don’t make me have to find Titus only to tell him you killed yourself while under my care.”
After resting his hand on her cheek, he wiped away some tears with his thumb. “He might kill me for letting you. There are things I’d gladly die for, but letting you kill yourself is not one of them.”
As Claudia looked at his unsmiling face, she knew Philip was right. Titus loved her as much as she loved him. He might seek revenge on Philip in his grief and anger over losing her. He always wore a sword on duty. He might strike if he blamed Philip for failing to stop her.
Her eyes filled with tears at that thought. If anything happened to Philip because of her…she couldn’t think of anything more terrible than that. She never wanted to see him hurt by anything.
“I’ll try...for Titus...and for you.”
Philip wiped away what he hoped were the last of her tears that morning. “That’s better. I know you can do it, and I’ll do whatever I can to help you.”
When he smiled down at her, she tried to smile in response but didn’t quite manage it.
“Breakfast is already served on deck. I’ll walk you to the canopy when you’re ready.” He wasn’t going to risk her trying to jump into the sea again. He might not catch her a second time.
He gazed into the depths of her lovely brown eyes. The deep despair had dulled them. Not good. Time to focus her mind on something that might bring some sparkle back.
“After breakfast, you owe me a few games of Conquest. I should have the advantage over you today, and I’m not about to miss this opportunity.”
He grinned at her.
This time she managed a weak smile in return. “I don’t know about that. I kept you up most of the night reading.”
“You went to sleep quickly enough that you missed some of it. I’ll have to read those parts to you again. Maybe this afternoon like we did yesterday.”
She nodded in silent agreement. Her whole body seemed to droop as she bowed her head and stared at the cabin floor.
“I’m so sorry, Philip. I don’t want to be such a burden to you. You’ve been so kind to me, and I have no way to repay you.”
One small jerk told him she was about to cry again. He put his fingertips under her chin and lifted it until her beautiful eyes were looking into his.
“Don’t cry. You don’t have to be sorry. It’s not your fault. Besides, helping you gives me pleasure.”
He pushed another strand of hair behind her ear. Her eyes still looked so sad.
“Truly. I’m glad you’re on my ship so I can.”
Her eyes brightened a little. She believed him. She should. Each time he looked at her and thought about what would have happened if he hadn’t inter
vened, he gave thanks that God had given him this chance to help.
“As soon as you’re ready, we’ll go eat.” He turned her toward her door and gave her the gentlest push.
She looked back over her shoulder as she stepped through the door. Her smile was a little shaky, but it was still a smile.
When Claudia came out of her room, Philip was leaning against the counter, trying to adjust his eyepatch so the strap wasn’t going right across the worst part of the big bruise left over from the bump. He grimaced as he repositioned it.
“Philip.”
He turned to look at her. Her breath caught. His eyepatch. He wasn’t wearing it last night. She’d never thought about whether it was uncomfortable for him. Maybe he wore it only when he had to. Maybe he was wearing it only to protect her from seeing something ugly.
“Don’t wear this on my account.” She slid the strap up and off his face. “It’s bad enough that I made you hurt your head last night. I don’t want you in pain because of me today.”
His eye did look milky, and there was ugly, rippled tissue all around it, but it didn’t look so bad that he needed to hide it from her.
“You don’t look any better with it than without it.”
He grinned at her clumsy choice of words. She felt the heat rising at her ears and across her cheeks. What she’d meant to say had come out all wrong and sounded like an insult.
“What I mean is, you don’t look any worse without it so it’s not worth wearing if it hurts.”
That still came out wrong. His grin got bigger.
“No, what I really mean is you don’t need to worry about what you look like on my account. The eyepatch doesn’t make any difference.”
A deep laugh rumbled up from within his chest. “What you really mean is that nothing I do can make me less ugly, so don’t bother.”
“No, that’s not what I mean!”
He placed his finger on her lips to silence her protest. “You haven’t offended me, Claudia. I know I’m ugly no matter what I do, but it will be more comfortable today if I don’t wear it, so I won’t.”
He took it from her hand, stepped to the door of his room, and tossed it on the table.
“Now, shall we go to breakfast?”
He placed her hand on his forearm and then rested his hand on top of it. She looked up at his smiling face and found herself smiling in return. He almost always had that effect on her. He was the bright spot in her dark world. He was an ugly man, but she hardly noticed that anymore. She would never have expected that, considering how repulsive she’d considered him when she first saw him.
He was more than a bright spot; he was her safe haven in a world turned upside down. She would be dead if not for his quick actions. Twice. For Titus’s sake, she was glad he’d been there to stop her. She wouldn’t try again. Somehow, she would get through this...with Philip’s help.
There were almost three weeks left in the voyage, and maybe he was right that the dreams would be gone by the end of their trip. He’d proven he could help her get at least some sleep without them. For now, that would have to be enough. But if the dreams weren’t gone when they reached Perinthus, what was she going to do without him when she finally had to leave his ship?
Penelope and Junia were already under the canopy when they rounded the corner of the cabin.
Penelope smiled her usual happy greeting at her brother. “I see you finally decided to get comfortable. I was beginning to wonder if you would ever shed the patch this trip.”
Claudia snapped her gaze upon him. He really had been wearing it only for her benefit.
“All it took was a bump on the head, sister dear. That finally overcame my vanity.”
He reached over and flipped some of her hair that hung loose across her shoulders, held back from her face only by a broad headband of leather ornamented with gold. The simple style didn’t need the hours of work by a hairdresser that so many Greek and Roman hairdos required.
“I think you look much better with your hair natural like this than with it all fancied up like you did in Rome. I don’t know why you women spend so much time on your hair when it’s much prettier down than up. I can’t imagine a man spending that amount of time.”
“Well, if women cared as much about what men look like as men care about how women look, maybe you’d spend more time, too.”
“Maybe, but I doubt it. Some of us are lost causes.”
They laughed together, and the conversation moved on to other topics.
When Philip left the canopy area with Hector, Claudia settled into her chair to await his return.
A mischievous smile played on Penelope’s lips. “You’ve certainly kept Philip entertained this trip. He loves Conquest, and it’s so seldom he can find someone who’s a worthy opponent. It’s so much fun watching you beat him sometimes. I always expected my brother would be a gracious loser, but you’ve proven it.”
“I think he’s playing just to entertain me. He’s very kind.”
“It may have started that way, but I don’t think that’s why he keeps playing. He really enjoys playing with someone who can beat him. He loves the challenge. You are right about him being kind, though. I don’t think there’s a kinder man alive than Philip. I’m really looking forward to being with him in Perinthus.”
“Will you be there long before you go home to Rome?”
“Rome isn’t really home. Thessalonica is, but I probably won’t be returning to either. Philip is taking me to his home to meet several men he thinks might make a good husband for me.”
Claudia’s eyebrows rose. “Your father entrusted you to your brother to get you married in Thracia? He could have arranged a marriage for you in Rome.”
Penelope took a measured breath. She needed to be careful what she answered. She couldn’t tell Claudia that her father was afraid Rome might be too dangerous for his Christian daughter because the games often featured Christians now. Envy and greed made wealthier Christians likely targets there. He kept a low profile himself for that reason, and he was prepared to leave at a moment’s notice. He didn’t want to risk sending her to her brothers in Corinth or Thessalonica, either. Unlike those cities, Perinthus had no arena. Byzantium did, but that was more than a two-day hard ride from Perinthus, so the odds of her ending up in an arena were much lower with Philip.
“Philip doesn’t get to pick. I’ll get to choose among them, so I guess he’s really entrusting the choice to me.”
“I envy you that freedom. I might have chosen Titus’s best friend, Decimus, if it had been up to me. He’s handsome and strong and very smart. He was always kind to me when I was a child. Smart matters most. I would hate to end up married to a man who was stupid or a fool. I always loved talking with Titus and Father. I wouldn’t want a man who bored me to tears.”
A mischievous gleam lit Penelope’s eyes.
“Philip is very strong and incredibly smart, too. He’s always kind to everyone.”
Claudia nodded in agreement but said nothing. Penelope hadn’t said anything about how he looked. He really was ugly enough to make most women not want him...or even want to spend enough time with him to discover he was a man worth wanting.
When Philip came around the corner of the cabin carrying the gameboard and the box of tokens, Claudia’s heart fluttered. What if he’d overheard their conversation? Her cheeks warmed at the thought of him hearing them discussing his merits as a potential husband.
She felt his inquiring gaze as he noticed her blush. That only deepened her shade of pink.
“Looks like I missed something interesting. What was it?”
Penelope smiled her mischievous smile. “We were discussing your many fine qualities, brother dear.”
“That must have been a short conversation.” He chuckled, but Claudia saw his discomfort with them talking about him.
“Enough wasting time on boring topics. Time for the challenge of Conquest. Prepare to lose your armies, Clau
dia. I’m feeling particularly strategic today.”
She gazed at him as he seated himself opposite her and began setting up the board. He really was very smart and extraordinarily kind. Maybe handsome wasn’t that important for a husband after all.
Chapter 29: End of Despair
After lunch, Penelope and Junia resumed their conversation about the passing shoreline. Claudia tried to listen and take part, but she was so tired after sleeping so little the night before that she said very little. A nap would solve that, but what if the nightmare came again? She didn’t want that with Penelope and Junia watching.
She slumped in her chair, desiring and dreading what closing her eyes might bring. Suddenly, Philip was standing beside her, holding the scroll about India.
“I promised you this morning that I would help you get some rest this afternoon. Would you like me to read to you now?”
“Will you rub my temple, too, like your mother used to?”
“If that’s what you’d like.”
She stood and moved to the couch. She picked up the pillow and patted where he should sit. “Please.”
He sat down beside her. She laid the pillow in his lap and fluffed it. Then she lay down so she could look up into his face. He was smiling at her like something was funny.
“Is there something wrong?”
“No. I was just thinking about how surprised my mother would be to learn this has turned into one of the more useful skills she taught me. I’m sure she thinks it was all her efforts to turn her wild child into a civilized man that were her most valuable lessons.” A playful grin punctuated his statement. “She can still take me out in public without worrying that I’ll say or do something that will embarrass her.”
Philip’s eyebrow dipped when sadness clouded her eyes. Could the joke about his mother have caused that? “What’s wrong?”
