by Carol Ashby
“I envy you, Philip.”
His eyebrow shot up at her comment. “Why?”
“It must be wonderful to have a mother who loves you. I never had that.”
Sympathy softened his gaze as he looked down at her beautiful face. “Did your mother die when you were a baby?”
“She hasn’t died. She decided she didn’t want to be my mother anymore when she divorced Father. I was only three, but I remember how she shoved me away and kicked me when I clung to her as she was leaving. She remarried into a powerful political family. She was strikingly beautiful then. I used to see her occasionally from a distance. She’s still a beautiful woman.” She paused. “She’s never wanted to have anything to do with me.”
The hollow longing in her voice made Philip want to draw her into his arms and stroke her hair again. “Beauty on the outside sometimes comes with ugliness on the inside. And stupidity, too. She would have found you a wonderful daughter if she hadn’t made that foolish choice.”
“I could never understand her leaving Father. He was so wise and kind and...he loved me as much as I loved him.”
Tears filled her eyes and began to trickle down toward her ears as she lay looking up at him. He brushed them off with his fingertips.
“Your father wouldn’t want you to grieve this way. He’d want you to remember the good times together, not just the pain of separation.”
“I know. I just can’t help it. It hurts so much, and I think about it all the time.”
“Let’s see if I can help you think about something else for a while. Close your eyes and relax.”
He unrolled the scroll and began to read. “The jungles of western India are filled with the most amazing animals. Elephants roam...”
As his fingertips traced circles and spirals on her temple, she drifted off to sleep.
When her slow, deep breathing told Philip she was well asleep, he set the scroll aside. Again, he sat for a long time gazing down at that beautiful face.
What she’d told him was almost past believing. How could a mother reject her child like that? That abandonment had left a wound that still wasn’t healed. She still yearned for the love of the mother she’d never really known.
No wonder she felt the loss of her father so deeply. His great love for her had mostly filled the aching places no child should have, and now he was gone, too. If only she knew Jesus’s love. He could fill all the empty places, and He would never leave. But now was not the time to tell her. She wasn’t ready to hear. Maybe there would be an opportunity before the end of their voyage. He would keep praying for that, and he would know when the time was right.
The sun was setting the western sky on fire as it slipped toward the horizon. Fear began to gnaw at Claudia as bedtime drew nearer. When she fell asleep, would the dreams come again?
She grew more agitated as the sun moved lower in the sky. Philip rose and moved to the chair to her right. The fear was at fever pitch when he turned his face toward her. Her hands were trembling slightly, and he reached over and took them in his own. She twisted her hands in his gentle grip so she could hang on tight to his.
“I don’t want to go in there to try to sleep. What if the dreams come again? What am I going to do?” Her lips started to quiver as she fought the rising panic.
Philip’s encouraging smile was not enough to calm her, but his next words should help. “I’ll tell you what you’re not going to do. You’re not going to just lie there and cry. What you are going to do is come get me right away. I’ll read to you and help you get back to sleep. It won’t take me any time at all to get you sleeping soundly again.”
“Really?” Her eyes filled with hope, like a small child who’d been promised a present. Then the hope faded into sadness. “I shouldn’t ask you to do that. You need to sleep, too.”
“I want you to promise you’ll come get me. I’ll sleep better knowing you will. Otherwise, I’m going to lie awake listening to make sure you’re all right.” The corners of his mouth lifted in a teasing smile. “Or maybe that’s your plan. If you keep me awake all night listening while you sleep, you’ll have an easier time beating me at Conquest.”
His playful accusation got the response he wanted―a smile.
“I wouldn’t do that to you. It would be cheating. I promise I’ll come get you.”
He stood and offered his hand to help her rise.
“Good. Now that you don’t have to worry about what to do, you can go to bed for a good night’s sleep.”
He held her hand as he led her into the cabin. He didn’t release it until they reached her bedroom door.
“When you go to bed, leave your door open so I can hear you if you need me.”
Her eyes shone with gratitude as she stood looking up at him. Those eyes and her grateful smile were all the reward he needed. Helping her really had become a source of pleasure for him.
Junia came from her own room, where she had just finished helping Penelope. “Ready for my help, mistress?”
“Yes.” Claudia smiled at Junia before turning to walk into the room ahead of her.
As soon as the door closed, Philip gathered all the knives he could find in the galley and carried them into Hector’s room, where he laid them on the upper bunk. The cook was in for a surprise in the morning, but he wasn’t going to leave any knives where Claudia could get to them in the night...just in case.
He entered his own room and climbed up on his bunk. He planned to get some sleep right away. He was fairly certain he would not be sleeping through the night.
It was shortly after midnight when the dream came. Again the roars, the screams, the blood―and then Claudia was awake, shaking, and the tears began to flow. But this time was different. She didn’t lie in the darkness, alone and frightened. She rose and felt her way in the dark to his room next door.
“Philip?”
Against the dim light coming through the window, she saw him climb down from the upper bunk to stand before her.
“The dream?”
“Yes.”
She was trying to put on a brave face for him, but her voice betrayed that she was crying.
“Don’t cry, Claudia. Let’s just go read for a while.”
He turned to get the scroll from his table, then wrapped his arm around her shoulders as he guided her back into her room. He lit the lamp and set the chair so he could straddle it. She lay down on the bed as he prepared to read.
“Philip?”
“Yes?”
“Would you hold my hand again?”
“Whatever helps, that’s what I’ll do.”
He offered his hand. She wrapped her fingers around it and placed it against her cheek. She rubbed her face against it, like a kitten.
He opened the scroll to the place where she dozed off in his lap that afternoon.
“The mightiest river is the Ganges. It begins in the mountains to the north, and...”
She closed her eyes and listened to the rise and fall of his deep voice. He was such a kind man―the kindest person she’d ever known. His voice became fainter and fainter until...
Philip felt her hand relax and release his own. The satiny softness of her cheek had brought an unexpected warmth to his heart. He was almost sorry when she stopped nuzzling it, but his own pleasure had not been his goal. It had taken only a few minutes for her to get back to sleep. This was much better than lying wide awake in his bunk, listening to her cry her heart out for half the night.
He stood without making a noise and prepared to blow out the lamp. Before he did, his gaze lingered on her. Her long eyelashes rested against her cheeks, and a few strands of reddish-blonde hair had drifted across her lips. She was so beautiful. Simply looking at her was a pleasure, especially when she was sleeping and he couldn’t see the pain in her eyes. A beautiful face and a brilliant mind. He’d never expected to meet a woman smart enough to beat him in strategic thinking.
His chest filled again with tha
t unfamiliar warm feeling. She really needed him right now, and it felt good to be the one whose help she wanted.
Thank you, God, for bringing her to me so I can help her.
He could help her get enough sleep, and he could help her get to her brother in Thracia. If only he could help her discover that Jesus was the answer to all her suffering and pain. He remembered the look of joy on her father’s face as he declared his faith. Nothing on earth would give him more satisfaction than seeing that same joy in her eyes.
Chapter 30: Maybe More than Kindness
Philip was on the cabin top with Hector, but he climbed down when Claudia stepped out of the cabin to join the women for breakfast. She’d been sleeping soundly when he peeked in to check on her when he rose. She should feel better since she’d only lost a little sleep to the nightmares. He sat down in the chair to her right.
Her warm smile was just what he’d hoped to see.
“Thank you so much for last night, Philip. It was the best night I’ve had since Father died.” Her deep gratitude shone in her eyes. “I don’t know what I’d do without you right now.”
“I’m glad we found something that helps. Do you have any idea why you’re having the dreams every night? Maybe we can find some way to get them to stop.”
Claudia wasn’t sure she wanted to talk about it. It hurt so much even to think about it, but maybe he was right. Telling Philip might help him find a way to make them stop. He was so understanding and so good at helping her. If anyone could figure out how to end the nightmares, it would be Philip.
“It’s Lucius’s fault. I never wanted to go to the games. Neither did Father, so I never went until Lucius made me. Father was out at one of the estates, and Lucius insisted that I go with him. He said all true Romans enjoyed the games, and he wouldn’t take no for an answer. I tried not to watch, but I couldn’t help seeing some of it. The worst was when they turned the lions loose on some runaway slaves. It was horrible, the way the lions ripped them apart and...and ate them. And the people next to me...pointing and laughing at two of them pulling on the same body until it ripped in two. That’s what I keep seeing―the lions attacking Father.”
Claudia was getting agitated, and Philip was sorry he’d asked. This might not be helping, but she kept talking, so maybe...
“Lucius is seventeen years older than me. I never knew him really well, but I never dreamed he would betray Father. When he asked me why Father was so happy, I told him it was because he’d decided to be a Christian. I shouldn’t have done that, but how was I to know he wanted Father dead so he could do whatever he wanted? I blame myself for giving Lucius the way to get Father killed.” The tears pooled in her eyes.
“I hate Lucius! He should have been sewn in a leather bag and thrown in the Tiber for murdering Father, not given everything Father owned as a reward for his loyalty to Rome. I would love to take a knife and stab him over and over. I thought about sneaking into his room as he slept and driving a dagger into his heart, but that would be too quick and easy for him. I’d much rather poison his food with something that would make him die slowly in agony. He doesn’t deserve an easy death after what he did.”
Tears trickled down her cheeks. Hatred had twisted her beautiful face into something ugly.
As her anger spewed out, Philip recoiled inside, but he didn’t let it show. As hard as it was to listen to, it was important to know.
“Killing Lucius wouldn’t help, Claudia. Vengeance never satisfies. Only forgiveness can release you from suffering.”
She stared at him as her jaw dropped. Then anger flamed in her eyes.
“How could you possibly know? You’ve never had anyone you love killed like that. Father was everything to me, and Lucius deserves to die for killing him.”
As her anger burned, the tears stopped. She swept some old ones off her cheek with an irritated flick of her hand.
“I’d love to kill whoever got Father to become a Christian, too. If he’d just stayed a God-fearer, Lucius wouldn’t have been able to get him killed. If I knew who convinced Father to follow that Jesus, I’d turn them in so they could die the same way Father had to.”
The tears pooled in her eyes again. “I can’t talk about this anymore.”
Her chest jumped as she fought new tears. Her fists clenched.
Philip took her hand in his, and the fist relaxed to wrap her fingers around his hand. “Then we won’t. Let’s do battle and get your mind off this.”
Claudia smiled at him through her tears. He had a gift for knowing exactly what she needed. “I’d love to.”
She was very glad to change the topic. Philip’s face had turned serious as she was telling him. She’d seen that same look before. On her first day on his ship when she said she hated Lucius, he’d looked serious, then sad. She didn’t want to make him sad again. She never wanted to cause him sadness or pain.
As Philip walked into the cabin to get the game, he took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. She’d definitely given him some insight into why she was suffering, but he didn’t like what he’d heard. She hated his father. She hated him, although she didn’t realize either of them were the Christians that she wanted so passionately to see dead.
It was good he’d warned everyone on the ship to be careful about what they said. The way she felt about Christians right now, it was best she didn’t know any of them followed Jesus.
After a few rounds of Conquest, Claudia felt much better. Philip had been rather quiet when they started, but he was soon back to smiling at her and teasing her about becoming the general who was his most worthy opponent ever.
Her lips curved as she watched him concentrate on his next move. Other than her father, he was the finest man she’d ever met. He was so very kind. He’d rescued her from Lucius even though he risked being arrested and killed for helping her. He was so understanding of her sudden fits of tears. He was willing to do whatever it took to help her through her grief. She couldn’t possibly have a better friend than he’d become. He truly was a special man.
Philip made his move and looked up at Claudia. “You shouldn’t be smiling after seeing my last move. Your army is in grave danger.”
“I know. I was just thinking about how nice you are to play with me like this.”
“After I take your fortress city, you may not think I’m so nice.”
“There’s nothing you could possibly do that would make me think you weren’t nice. You’re very special.”
The warmth in her eyes...he’d never seen that before when a woman looked at him.
“I think you’re a pretty nice person, too, except when you’re destroying my armies.” He grinned at her. “But this game, you’re not being as nice as you ought to be.”
“I’ve been told that all’s fair in love and war, and this is war.”
She flashed a beautiful smile at him before turning her gaze on the board to plan her next move.
As Philip watched her focus, he gave thanks that his father had asked him to rescue her. It had become his greatest source of pleasure to do whatever he could to help. She’d become special to him, too.
At lunch, Claudia found herself enjoying the good-natured joking between Philip and Penelope as they shared funny family stories.
Penelope was just finishing one. “It still makes me laugh when I think of the look on Nicanor’s face when his boys rode the goat into the house. It would have been nice if you could have brought them a couple of Father’s ponies.”
“True, but I didn’t plan on shipping livestock this trip. There isn’t room in the hold.”
“You could have washed them.”
Brother and sister burst out laughing so hard that Penelope had tears in her eyes. Claudia stared at them. What was so tremendously funny that even Philip was wiping at his eye?
Penelope glanced at her and grinned. “Oh, Philip. Claudia has to hear this story. Let me tell her.”
He was still chuckling as he nodded his permi
ssion.
“When Philip was fourteen, Nicanor had this beautiful white colt that was almost two years old. He wanted to sell it, so he’d been telling everyone he knew about how big and strong that colt was and how gorgeous its mane and tail were. One of his friends had an uncle who lived about fifteen miles away. He was looking for a good horse, so he rode over to see it. When he got to our estate, Philip volunteered to bring it from the stable.
“What Nicanor didn’t know was that Philip had taken the colt to his friend’s house and brought back this really scrawny white cart horse that was only a little bigger than a pony. When the buyer saw the horse, he was furious with Nicanor for making him ride all that way for nothing. When Nicanor asked Philip what he’d done with his horse, Philip said he’d washed it and it shrunk. The buyer left mad and never came back.”
Philip pulled a fake frown. “You didn’t tell the whole story. I actually did Nicanor a favor. That colt has become the best stallion in his stable.” His mouth relaxed back into a grin. “Besides, you have to admit it was funny.”
“Father didn’t think so at the time. He found a fitting punishment.”
Claudia looked at Philip, who was wiping at his eye again. “What did your father do?”
Philip’s face split with the widest grin she’d seen on him yet. “He made me wash all the horses and mules at the estate to see if any of them would shrink, too.”
Penelope had to wipe at her eyes again when the fit of laughter struck her once more. Her laughter was so contagious that Claudia found herself laughing aloud for the first time since her father had died.
When her laughter subsided, she gave Philip the happiest smile since they sailed. “That’s the funniest story, Philip. It must have been wonderful growing up in your family. Your father was so wise, just like Father...”
The smile faded from her lips. Her lower lip began to quiver as her eyes filled with tears. Pain clouded her vision as tears began to dribble down her cheeks.
