by Carol Ashby
Philip and Penelope did arrive early, just as Claudia expected, but Titus greeted them immediately upon their arrival. Philip managed to mask his disappointment enough that Titus didn’t see it, but Claudia saw how he looked at her with a mixture of uncertainty and eagerness. Miriam had been right about him wanting to come the day before but being afraid of how she’d receive him.
She was desperate to let Philip know she still wanted to marry him, but from the moment he arrived, Titus pulled him into a conversation about some problems on the eastern border with the Parthian Empire. Normally, she would have enjoyed seeing Philip impress her brother with his knowledge and depth of understanding, but today she wanted him to herself.
But if she couldn’t talk with Philip, at least she could talk with Penelope without Titus listening.
“Come upstairs with me, Penelope. I want to show you something.”
She took Penelope’s hand and led her up the stairs to her room. She closed the door, then led her over to sit on the bed. She spoke in a near-whisper in case Titus came upstairs for something.
“Philip knows I know, doesn’t he? He knows about me finding out he’s a Christian?”
Penelope’s smile vanished. “Yes, he does. He wanted to tell you himself. He was trying to decide how, but then you came yesterday and...”
“You’re one, too, aren’t you?”
Penelope nodded.
“I know I’ve said so many horrible things about hating Christians, but I never meant Philip and you. I need to talk to him, but not when Titus can hear. He mustn’t know that you’re Christians. I don’t know what he’d do, but it might be something terrible.”
Penelope took a deep breath. “I can see the danger of Titus knowing. I won’t do anything to give us away.”
“If I don’t get a chance to tell Philip tonight, will you tell him I still love him more than anything and I still want to marry him?”
Penelope’s straight lips were replaced by a broad smile. “I’d love to. I really want you as my sister, and the sooner the better.”
Claudia paused. “He hasn’t actually asked me yet. When I told him I wanted to stay with him instead of Titus, he said he wanted me to stay, but we couldn’t get married just yet. But I know he wants to ask me, and I’m sure he will. There’s no reason he can’t now that I know about his faith.”
Penelope’s smile dimmed. Philip was a church leader. He would only marry a believer, but for a long time now, she’d been counting on Claudia becoming one so he could marry her. Everything for the two of them depended on her making that decision.
Claudia’s beaming smile betrayed her ignorance of how much it mattered. “If I don’t get a chance to talk to him without Titus hearing, would you please tell him I don’t care if he’s a Christian and ask him to come see me tomorrow morning so we can talk?”
Penelope wrapped her arms around Claudia and hugged her. “Of course. Now let’s go join the men. Even if Philip can’t talk with you, he’ll want to look at you.”
She was eager to end the discussion. She didn’t want to be the one to tell Claudia that Philip still wouldn’t be able to marry her, at least not yet.
Chapter 59: Love Is Not Enough
No opportunity arose at dinner for the private conversation Claudia longed for. Titus drew Philip into seemingly endless discussions of the annexation of Armenia, the successes of Trajan’s legions as they pushed into Mesopotamia, and what the eastward expansion of the Empire might mean for Thracia. Philip was too polite to break off conversing with his host, so Claudia had to settle for trying to speak with her eyes what she longed to say with her lips.
It was a good thing she’d asked Penelope to tell Philip what was in her heart. If Titus had deliberately planned to keep her from talking with the man she loved, he couldn’t have done a better job. He even walked Philip and Penelope to the gate as they headed home.
As the mistress sat gazing at her reflection in the mirror, Miriam began brushing her hair.
“Tonight wasn’t at all what I was hoping for. I wanted so much to tell Philip everything was all right between us, but Titus didn’t give me a single chance to talk with him alone.”
She sighed. “At least I got to tell Penelope. She’s going to tell Philip to come tomorrow after Titus goes to the palace.”
She turned to face Miriam. “As soon as I tell him it doesn’t matter that he’s a Christian, I’m sure he’ll ask me to marry him. We didn’t get to talk tonight, but I know from the way he kept looking at me that he wants me with him as much as I want to be with him.”
“I’m sure he loves you, too, mistress.” Miriam had seen everything Claudia had in Philip’s face each time he looked at her, but she knew that nothing had really changed. Claudia was still not a believer, and Philip couldn’t marry her while she wasn’t.
As Claudia lay down on her bed, she smiled up at Miriam. “Tomorrow is going to be a wonderful day.” With a contented sigh, she closed her eyes.
“I hope so, mistress.”
Miriam pulled the blanket up and tucked it around her mistress. She still had some clean-up awaiting her in the dining room and kitchen before she would go to bed herself. As she stood in the doorway, she looked back at Claudia’s happy, peaceful face. She hoped tomorrow would be a good day, but she was almost sure it wasn’t going to be.
Claudia arose almost as early as Titus, but she watched out her window until she saw him ride through the gate. Had he known, he might have delayed his departure for the palace to eat with her, and she wanted him gone so she could talk with Philip as soon as he came. She didn’t wait for Miriam to help her dress. She didn’t want Philip to have to wait if he came early. He loved natural, and she could do that all by herself.
Miriam had a lovely breakfast tray ready when Claudia entered the kitchen, but one bite of cheese was all she could manage. Her foot kept tapping the floor as she sat at the kitchen table, watching Miriam knead the bread dough. She would have helped, but she didn’t want any flour on his favorite sky-blue tunic.
Miriam glanced out the window. “He’s here, mistress. He has three men with him, but they’ve gone into the garden to talk with Nestor.”
Claudia leapt to her feet and met Philip at the door. She seized his hand as she beamed at him.
“I’m so glad you’re here. It was horrible last night not getting to talk with you.”
As she was talking, she led him into the inner courtyard.
Philip couldn’t have looked happier. “I wanted to talk with you, too, but Titus…he’s an interesting man, but last night a good conversation about the Empire was the last thing I wanted.”
She wrapped her arms around him and gazed happily up at him. “At least Penelope was able to tell you what I wanted to say most, and now you’re here with me.”
He smile broadened, and love shone in his eye. Claudia reached up and slid his eyepatch up and off his face, letting it hang on her arm.
“You don’t need this with me. I like you just the way you are. Nothing between my fingers and my favorite mountain ridges.”
She laid her hand on his cheek and traced the swirls near his eye with her index finger. “I’ve missed doing this so much. I’ll be glad when I can do it every single day.”
“I’ve missed it, too. Almost as much as I’ve missed crossing swords with my favorite general.”
She dropped her hand to rest on his chest. A strap was slung across it. Her gaze followed it down until she saw...a sword.
“Philip, what’s this for?” Worry tinged her voice as she laid her hand on the scabbard slung at his side. Titus always wore a sword, but she’d never seen Philip with one before.
“I’m on my way to Odessus in Moesia. We grow wheat there, and I plan to enlarge our land holdings. I’m taking the road through the mountains to catch the main road along the Pontus Euxinus at Salmydessus. With an armed party, it’s a safe shortcut. When we look prepared for trouble, it never happens.” He pushed a
strand of hair behind her ear. “It’s nothing you need to worry about. I’ve made the trip several times without any problems.”
“That’s so far. How long will you be gone?”
“Four, maybe five weeks. It depends on how quickly I can buy the land I want.”
“That’s too long, but I guess it can’t be helped. And you’re certain it’s safe?”
A corner of his mouth lifted. “I’m certain. We go with many prayers, and God protects us. You don’t have to be worrying.”
Her finger traced a ridge on his cheek, raising Philip’s heart rate and heating his blood. “I had hoped we could start our future sooner than that.”
His stomach dropped like it did when the ship plunged into the trough of a giant wave. Dread of what she would say next coursed through him.
She stroked his cheek again. “Where’s that smile I love? Penelope told you, didn’t she? That I don’t care that you’re a Christian? That I want to marry you anyway?”
“Yes…” His mind raced as he sought the best way to tell her what she wasn’t going to want to hear.
“What’s wrong?”
He lifted her hand from his cheek and lowered it to hold it in both of his. He swallowed hard. What he was about to say was the hardest thing he’d ever had to say in his life.
“You know there’s no one in this world I care for more than you. There’s nothing on earth I want more than to have you with me, but…” God, give me the right words. He needed the ones that wouldn’t hurt her too much, the ones that would make her want to consider following Jesus like he did.
Her mouth turned down when he paused “But what? How can there be any ‘buts’ when two people love each other like we do?” Her breaths came short and fast “You do love me, don’t you, Philip?” Her voice started to quaver.
“As much as any man ever loved a woman.” It tore at his heart to see her building toward tears.
“I know your secret about being a Christian, and it doesn’t matter to me. We just can’t tell Titus. That could be dangerous for you.” Fear clouded her eyes. “That was all that kept you from asking me, wasn’t it?”
“No. It was only part.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m not just a Christian, Claudia. I’m a leader in the church.”
He drew another deep breath. What he was about to say would hurt her, but he had to say it. With a desperate prayer that this wouldn’t be the end of them, he forced out the painful words.
“I can only marry someone who loves Jesus like I do. You don’t right now, but I’ve been praying since I met you that you’d come to love Him. Even more so now. I want to marry you more than anything in this world, but this world isn’t all there is. I love you more than my own life, but I love Jesus even more.”
She jerked her hand out of his. As she stared at him, tears of anger and pain pooled in her eyes.
“No, Philip. It isn’t possible to love your god more than me. Not if you really love me. No one could ever choose a god over a person if they really love them.”
He reached out to take her hand again, but she snatched it away.
“Your father did.”
He couldn’t have chosen anything to say that would have hurt her more. The look of anguish that he saw so often when she first came to his ship filled her eyes. At that moment, he would have endured boiling soup being poured over him again to unsay those three words.
“How can you say such a horrible thing to me? I never thought you could be so cruel.” The agony in her shrill voice cut like a knife.
“Claudia, I―”
She placed her hands on his chest and shoved him away before he could even start to explain.
“No! If you love your god more than you love me, then you don’t really love me at all. Maybe I should decide I don’t love you either.”
The dam broke, and the river of tears streamed down her cheeks. “If you don’t really love me, I’m not sure I ever want to see you again.”
She hurled his eyepatch at his head, and he barely caught it before it hit his face. She whirled and ran up the stairs. She didn’t even pause to look at him before she ran into her bedchamber and slammed the door.
Once more, Philip heard the sounds of Claudia crying her heart out, but this was so much worse than ever before. This time he was the cause, and even if he went to her, it wouldn’t change a thing.
No matter how much he loved her, he couldn’t marry her until she loved Jesus, too.
Philip had thought his heart was broken when Phoebe rejected him as a monster seven years earlier. He’d thought he loved her, but he didn’t know what love was then. Now he did. He knew what it was to love Claudia with the deep, unselfish, passionate love that should bind two people for a lifetime. But he’d just broken her heart, and she’d just shredded his.
In spite of all his prayers, all his hopes and dreams for a life with her had just shattered. Only God could fix this, but would He?
Miriam kept kneading the dough as they talked in the courtyard outside the door. She heard every word, every gasp, every sob. She’d been afraid this meeting might not go as well as Claudia thought it would, but it had gone so much worse than anything she’d imagined.
Philip entered the kitchen with his head hanging. He gazed at the eyepatch in his hand before sliding it back on his head and adjusting it to get comfortable. So many times, Miriam had watched the mistress slide it off his face as her love-filled eyes caressed him. The happiness that brought to Philip’s eye warmed Miriam’s own heart. Would the mistress ever lift it from his face again?
“You heard?” Philip’s jaw clenched.
“Yes.” Did something glisten at the corner of his eye? She was struggling against tears herself.
“I have to leave this morning for maybe five weeks. I won’t even have a chance to talk to her, to try to explain until I return. Please help us, Miriam. Do whatever you can to make her understand why I can’t marry her even though I want to more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my whole life. Will you try to tell her about Jesus, convince her to follow Him like we do, like her father did? There’s no hope for us if she won’t.”
Miriam had seen more than her share of suffering, but she’d never heard agony in a strong man’s voice before.
“I’ll try. I’ve been praying since I met her for the right time and the right words to tell her how much Jesus loves her. I love her, too, and I want her to know the joy we have. Five weeks is a long time. I’m sure God will give me a chance before you return.”
With a smile filled with gratitude and at least some hope, Philip took both her hands in his. “Thank you, Miriam. Everything for us depends on her decision.”
Miriam squeezed his hands and nodded.
Philip took another deep breath and blew it out as he squared his shoulders. Miriam’s promise gave him enough hope to sustain him for the next five weeks. Surely God wanted Claudia to come, and Miriam could find the way to lead her to Him. He spun and strode out the door and over to his horse.
He mounted before calling to his men, who were still talking with Nestor. “Let’s go.”
Philip swung his horse and started out the gate before they could even mount. He wanted to ride enough ahead of them that he had some time to regain his composure. The last thing he wanted was for his men to see how upset he was.
He willed his breathing to slow as he kicked his horse into a trot. He would try not to despair over what had just happened and pray instead that God could use it to reach Claudia. God could do anything. He needed to keep reminding himself of that. God could reach any heart and make it His own.
Chapter 60: Never Alone Again
Miriam climbed the stairs, praying for the right words as she paused on each step. She knocked on the door, but there was no answer except the mistress’s sobs. Miriam opened the door and limped over to sit on the side of her bed.
Mistress Claudia lay with her face buried in her pillow. The bed moved
with each jerk as she gasped for air. Miriam began to rub her back.
“Shhh. Don’t cry, mistress. This will work out all right.”
It seemed like the tears were never going to stop, but finally the mistress rolled onto her back so she could look at Miriam.
“Oh, Miriam! How can it possibly work out all right? How could Philip say he won’t marry me because he loves Jesus and I don’t? I thought he loved me as much as I love him. I’d do anything for him, give up anything for him, die for him. Why can’t he do something as simple as marrying me?”
It was all Miriam could do not to cry as agony pulsed in Mistress Claudia’s eyes. God, what should I tell her? No words came. She’d never loved a man like Philip loved Mistress Claudia, so how could she explain him loving Jesus more than her mistress, even more than his own life?
The mistress swung her legs off the bed and went to the window. Her lip quivered as she looked up the hill toward Philip’s house. Then her jaw clenched before she turned to face Miriam with fists on her hips.
“No god is that important. I would never choose one over the man I love. A god isn’t like a real person. What did that god ever do for him, anyway?”
Miriam could have answered that question, but a small voice inside her told her not to...not yet.
“Father taught me the Roman gods were just stories. Then he learned about the Jewish god, and he said that was different, that the Jewish god was real. But I never understood that. All I knew was believing that made him happy, and I wanted Father to be happy.
“And I didn’t understand when he told me his god could only accept perfect people. No one is perfect. All his worrying about sin and the end of the sacrifices that let people approach his god...that didn’t make sense either, because Father was so wonderful. He didn’t need to change to be good enough for anyone, even the Jewish god, even if he was real. And then someone told him Jesus was the sacrifice for his sins. That never made sense, either, but it made him happier than I’d ever seen him.”
