Spark

by Angelina J. Steffort

  “What happened?”

  “I left her there, right where we stood and told her I would talk to her the next day. And that night I had the vision of you…” Of your perfection, your pure heart and soul, your beauty. How could I have been with anyone after feeling that? “I keep thinking about what would have happened if I had chosen differently. If I’d stayed with Maureen that night… Would I have seen—felt—you just the same?” How much I would have missed out on. Even if this was the end of it, of us being together, it had been worth it in so many ways. I would do it all over again, just to see her smile and to feel her open up to me.

  “What did she want yesterday?” Claire stayed on topic while my mind was already thinking toward the inevitable.

  “Just the same old story—Always trying to lure me back into her net. But she can’t—not anymore, after I found you.” No one could.

  “But—I thought you didn’t want me anymore?” A bitter note was in her words, and her emotions were shaken by the thought of it. Did she still not understand…?

  “The thing between you and me was no affair or fling. I honestly adore you, Claire.” I looked at my hands, realizing I’d been clenching them into fists for the past few minutes, driven by the need to control my urge to hold her in my arms. Sensing how rejected she felt gave me an excuse to reach over and take her hand. “My love is nothing that could ever change.”

  The pain in her emotions intensified and I felt the same ache searing through my own heart.

  “Claire, don’t feel that way, please.” I squeezed her hand lightly, just enough to give both of us the sense that the other was still around. “It hurts me, feeling you hurt.”

  She looked away for a moment, gathering her thoughts—or feelings—and faced me with a brave expression. “I’m not hurt.” But it didn’t change the way she was crumbling right in front of me.

  “Yeah, you’re right. You’re in agony.” I had to suppress a sarcastic chuckle. It was adorable to see her acting strong to make me feel better, but she couldn’t fool me.

  “If you say you love me, why can’t you be with me?”

  “I told you, you would be a target.”

  Her hand slipped from mine as I got to my feet, needing to move so I could think. “Nobody knows, that you know. But if somebody finds out—” Maureen’s warning rang in my ears. “—I don’t want to think about it.”

  “I don’t know who would have a problem with that. As you said, nobody knows I know. Why would I tell anybody?” She got to her feet and walked up to me, not hesitant this time, but with confidence that what she had to say would change my mind. And for a second I wanted to believe it might. “You are a son of God and I’m a daughter of men. We’re not the first ones to face that problem.”

  I froze. “How do you…” She was a smart person. Naturally, she would have done her own research. Right now all I hoped was that it hadn’t involved the wrong sources of information…

  “Know?” she asked, finishing it for me. “You should have remembered it would be me who put your book back on the library shelves on a Thursday afternoon.”

  Of course. I had been counting on her to be there when I’d taken back the ominous book, but it had been to see her from a distance, not to feed her information. The less she knew, the better for her.

  “You read it?”

  “Not from cover to cover. I haven’t had time yet.”

  “What do you know?” Had she read the part about the demons? Did she know that she was connected to me in a way that could get her killed?

  “Only the basics. About angels in general. You’re strong, wise, and noble. About your abilities. Mostly the things I knew before. And a lot about the opinions of different religions, but the essence stays the same.”

  In a rush of relief and gratitude, I forgot that I was actually breaking up with her and locked her face between my fingers, kissing her for a long minute until all her emotions were screaming for more. All but a strong wave of frustration which was durable enough to survive my outburst and help her regain control before I could.

  “It’s unfair, you know, telling me you love me, kissing me, and still telling me we can’t be together.” She pulled away from me, her frustration like an anchor, keeping her in check when her heart was saying otherwise. “I want you. No matter what.”

  Reluctantly, I let go, knowing the time had come. “I told you, there are others. Dangerous creatures that wouldn’t mind using you.”

  “Which creatures? How?”

  “Dark creatures…” If she only knew… “They would use anyone to get to us angels. And who would be a better target than the one we loved so much we would give our own lives for them without thinking twice? Who could seem a more attractive prey to them than the ones we would protect, no matter what agony we would have to endure?”

  She didn’t react other than the growing discomfort as the meaning of my words was settling in.

  “Physical pain is nothing compared to what it feels like, losing the ones we so purely love.” I couldn’t live if they ever tore her mark off of her to control me. I couldn’t live with myself if they ever hurt her.

  “What are you talking about?” As she scrutinized my face, it was clear she could read my fear from my eyes and a resemblance of my own emotions sprang up in hers. “You wouldn’t die for me. You can’t.” I choked at the thought. “You mustn’t.”

  I would if I had to. “I’m nearly as strong as they are, but you’re frail compared to the strength they hold.”

  She looked at me as if I had offended her by saying the truth. If they attacked her, she wouldn’t stand a chance. “You’re talking like I’m eggshell,” she protested.

  “Probably not—compared to your kind. But to my kind, you’re less than frail glass. They could shatter you with a look.”

  She took my hand and pulled, in an attempt to bring me closer or to make me talk. “Adam, who are they?”

  “I tell you, you don’t want to know,” I resisted her naive eyes which were looking at me as if I should be giving her the world and I wasn’t.

  “Yes, I do,” she tried with a little more force, not relying on her tempting gaze.

  The truth was, as long as she was there with me, I didn’t stand a chance, so I’d rather give in to my craving to touch her than her push for knowledge. It might be my last chance…

  Claire didn’t object when I freed my hand and caught her around the waist instead, neither did she stop me when I let my other hand wander up her neck and into her hair.

  “Come, be with me for now.” I pulled her closer, gently, until I felt her body against my chest and her emotions were going awry, filling me with pleasure for a couple of seconds. She leaned against me, making me feel like a rock in an ocean of her desires. It was almost too much for me to bear. I was about to pull her toward my bed and curl myself around her, unwilling to ever let go, but her stuttering heart claimed my attention. I looked down at her and watched her growing paler. She had fallen into the same ocean and seemed to be drowning in it.

  “Breathe, Claire.”

  With one second of delay, she opened her eyes and pulled away from me, clearing her head with a deep breath.

  “Adam, I can’t…” It wasn't the words I’d been hoping for, but it was definitely the right words considering our love was doomed.

  “Good,” I confirmed, a long rift springing through my heart as I admitted it to myself as much as I was telling her. “You know it’s the only way.”

  “That’s not what I meant—I can’t be with you now like nothing has happened. I can be with you if that’s what you want, because it is what I want, too. But then nothing will keep us apart.” There was hope and confidence in her words and they were pushing me to falter. It would be so easy to give in, but I had to resist if I wanted to keep her safe.

  “No one will make me fear, because as long as you’re with me nothing can ever happen. No Ben will make me leave you, no girl that admires you will turn me away. No other creature
will get in our way, as long as we’re together.”

  How brave she was, and how admirable for her loyalty. But she had to understand, she had to hear me…

  “You mean a demon?” I blinked one tear from my eye, already mourning her.

  “No creature, no matter how dark it is, can keep me away from you.”

  “It’s unfair,” I tried to express in words how torn I was, how much I wanted to be with her, how much I couldn’t allow it. “That’s more than I’ve ever dared dreaming of—knowing you feel so strongly for me. But right now, I’d rather you didn’t.”

  “How can you say this…” she breathed through another wave of pain I had just inflicted on her heart.

  “I don’t want to draw you to the front line of an eternal war, Claire. You are too precious.”

  “Then don’t.” She turned to the window and watched how the sun was tinting the dead yard into a glistening spectacle of little rainbows in frozen crystals of water. Only that for her eyes it was probably too bright to see the colors and the details. Mine made out the structures of the tiny prisms easily. She seemed to ponder for a moment. “Just be Adam the human instead of Adam the angel.”

  So determined to put herself in harm’s way. “You know how much I wish that would be possible. You know I tried. Remember last time I tried to shut away all the weird things I happen to be?”

  She cringed away from the memory, as did I, and we both knew it wasn’t an option. There was no option. “Then be the angel—but be my angel.”

  “I already am. Yours through and through.” It was the dilemma I had been avoiding those past days. I was hers and yet I couldn’t be. The air was heavy with frustration and pain, and it didn’t matter whether it was hers or mine, we were both equally affected.

  “What are you thinking?”

  She slowly shook her head, making me want to hug her. To say she could tell me later, but there was no later.

  “When I leave now—will I ever see you again?” She was brave to ask, and I admired her for it. Way braver than I was with my answer, a weak shaking of my own head, unable to say the word out loud.

  Something broke inside of her. I could feel it in my soul and it came with a wave of pain. I deserved it. It was me who had brought this upon her. It was me who should suffer for it, not her. And it wouldn’t get any easier if we dragged it out. Just more painful. So I didn’t stop her as she reluctantly started walking, taking all her despair, her ache, and my heart with her.

  I wanted to run after her, hold her back, tell her we would work it out somehow, but I knew I couldn’t, and all I managed was a whisper as she crossed the threshold.

  “Goodbye.”

  16

  Unexpected

  Trying to act normal was a real challenge. And now that there was no going back, my days and nights had turned into a torment of my shattered heart, the only consolation was the knowledge that Claire was safer this way. I could handle my own pain, knowing she would be alright. She would graduate and go to college, move away from Aurora, move on with her life. Sooner or later, her heart would mend.

  “Sorry about yesterday,” Ben apologized, shame enveloping him. “I shouldn’t have just sent her away without asking you. Even if you said you…”

  “It’s okay, Ben,” I cut him off, avoiding having to talk about it. “You just wanted to help.”

  He nodded and chewed his sandwich. Geoffrey hadn’t commented on the incident, professional as he was, he acted as if it had never happened.

  “You didn’t tell Mom and Dad?” I made sure, fearing I would have some explaining to do.

  “No,” he smiled knowingly. “Your situation is bad enough. They’ll learn in time that you broke up.”

  “Thanks.” Difficult as he could be sometimes, when it counted, I could rely on him to keep his mouth shut.

  “You’ll miss her a lot, won’t you?” It was less a question than it was an observation.

  “I will.”

  “I hope to find someone like her one day.” There was longing in his eyes and he tightened them as if he was trying to see into the future.

  “You will.” Now that Claire was out of my life, Ben seemed to have changed back into the person he’d been before. There was no jealousy in his aura, no anger. He seemed to be appeased.

  “Speaking of,” he ran his hand through his hair and picked up his phone, checking the calendar. “The semester student-party is coming up. Next weekend. Are you in?”

  There was mild enthusiasm on his side and none at all on mine.

  “I don’t know, Ben, I guess I need some time to process everything…”

  “It will be fun,” he reassured me. “Maybe it will help you forget about Claire for a little bit.”

  As if that was ever going to happen. I had an eternity of existence ahead of me and Claire would fill every minute of it, whether or not she was part of my life. But Ben was right about one thing. It might be fun, and I would feel people around me who were enjoying themselves. Maybe I could drown my own misery in other people’s happiness for a night.

  “Alright.” I drained my juice and headed for the front door, calling for Antonio on the way out. A long run with him was exactly what was going to help.

  Over the next couple of days, I established a routine of two hours running in the morning and two hours in the evening. I pushed myself through the days and through classes, always performing at my best, and taking comfort in my ability to focus. My rational mind was helping me keep the screaming part of myself at bay, the one who kept demanding I check in on Claire, just to see how she was doing. I made it a game for myself, trying to count the hours I could actively not think of her, just to fall into a deep depression every time I was reminded I had countless hours left in my life. It was a game I would have to play for the rest of eternity.

  That prospect was enough that on Thursday, I returned to the woods, but when I arrived there it wasn’t far enough away, so I closed my eyes and thought of the one place I could think of which would feel as lonely as I did. When I reopened them, I was standing on the snowy plains of Madison, Wisconsin, where I had spent some of my childhood winters. The sun was shining brightly and the white layer was a mosaic of stars, each of them unique and perfect. My angel eyes had gotten stronger over the weeks and so had my physical strength, my stamina, and my wings. Today, I felt like I needed to break away from everything, so I shrugged out of my shirt and let my back explode. I flapped my wings a couple of times—I had perfected my control on them—and then kicked off the ground.

  It was an amazing feeling, just soaring up into the air. It came naturally—the first of my new abilities to do so—and so I glided high above the deserted plains, looking down on the carpet of crystals, and forgot for a minute or two, that hollow feeling in my chest. I stayed up there until the sun was slowly creeping over the edge of the world and saw it with new eyes, the eyes of an immortal. The significance of what had defined my life until now faded. There were just a few things left for me now: my family—they were all mortal. Spending as much time with them as I could would ensure I wouldn’t miss anything of importance in their lives. Second on the list was succeeding in my studies so I would be helping people—this was a timeless endeavor. Even in one-hundred years, I would be able to do it. Claire was there on that list, too, in the first position, but I forced myself to not dwell on that topic. Keeping strong so she was safe—we both were—was everything I could do for her, no matter how helpless it made me feel, no matter how empty…

  I spent the evening with Ben, discussing fashion design, attentive to a degree that he questioned if I was making fun of him.

  “Just thinking,” I defended myself, explaining my honest interest. “If I ever have someone I want to bring to one of Mom’s concerts, I want to make sure you can sew them a dress.”

  “You are joking.”

  We both laughed. But I shook my head. I wasn’t joking. I would have asked him for Claire. She deserved to have something made just for her.


  “I can draw you a sketch,” he beamed.

  I nodded and Jenna looked over our shoulders as he started scribbling.

  “This looks pretty,” she commented and sat down in one of the big living room armchairs. The fireplace was painting the room in a cozy orange tint and I was in the moment for once. Until Jenna continued her thought. “Would look perfect on Claire. She has the figure for it.”

  Now that she said it, I could see it and Ben saw that I could see it, too. The dress he’d sketched was exactly Claire’s shape just without a face. Even the way her hair moved over her shoulders when she was walking was spot on. I ground my teeth.

  “Yes, she could definitely wear this,” I agreed with a light tone, forcing the dark thoughts to the back of my mind. There was no point in letting them take over…

  Ben pursed his lips, feeling slightly awkward, but also flattered at the perfection of his drawing. With a few quick moves of his hand, he added in her face and handed me the piece of paper.

  “Let me know if you ever need this for real. Takes about a day if I have the right fabrics.”

  With a painful bite on my tongue, I made sure I didn’t react with my emotions rather than my head.

  “Thank you, Ben,” I said instead of the names I wanted to call him for putting that thought into my head. “I will...if I ever need it.” Which I won’t.

  Friday and Saturday, I spent most of the time beating Dad at chess.

  “You’ve improved a lot over the past couple of months,” he pointed out.

  “Probably all the studying helps my logic and strategic capabilities,” I distracted. “By the way, Bennet was really pleased with my last paper.”

  We spent the afternoon discussing my career options in Medicine and how having Bennet’s support would be a great stepping stone into one of the renowned clinics. Not that I needed one with my last name and Jenna’s fortune. If I didn’t get my dream job, that hospital would probably soon have a Gallager wing as an addition and I would be on board. It wasn’t my way of getting where I wanted. My way was hard work and worthiness, but Jenna’s way would make sure her family was happy.