If the Shoe Fits

by E. J. Noyes

  Sabs bit off a huge mouthful of peanut butter toast, offering nothing more than a thoughtful, “Mmmm.” Once she’d swallowed, she asked, “Does Brooke have a girlfriend?”

  “Not at the moment. Why? Are you thinking of setting her up with one of your friends?”

  Her left eyebrow shot up. “Yeah, something like that,” she mumbled before stuffing the last of her toast triangle in her mouth and getting up to take her mug and plate into the kitchen.

  A setup. Though I knew Sabs’s friends were good people, the idea of Brooke dating one of them niggled at me. More than niggled. I managed what I thought was a very neutral, “Oh, okay.”

  “You don’t like the idea?” Sabine leaned back against the counter near the sink, arms folded.

  “It’s not for me to say.” I was surprised how sharp the words sounded.

  “I see,” Sabs said carefully. “Sounds to me like you care whether or not she’s dating.”

  “Well…yeah I guess I do. If she starts dating someone then she’s going to have less time for our friendship.” The excuse sounded even weaker once I’d actually said it. “And I like doing shit with her.” More than liked.

  “Ah. Sure. That makes sense.” Sabs pushed off the counter. “On that note, I’m out. Get some rest, stay away from screens, call your specialist about getting some scans.”

  “You’re not my doctor and you’re not the boss of me.”

  She let out a long, exasperated sigh. “You know, when you were three I asked Mom to help me put you up for adoption in the paper. If only she’d let me do it.” Sabs hugged me and kissed the top of my head. “Love you. Call if you want anything.”

  “Love you too, but you’ll be asleep and Brooke already offered to be my on call standby person.”

  “Did she now?” Sabine grinned, then clamped her mouth closed. She nodded vigorously, the grin still teasing at the edges of her lips. “Isn’t that nice of her.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  After my migraine-recovery day, where I did nothing except nap and engage in a brief text exchange with a guy, I was back at work the next day. Brooke was nowhere to be seen when I arrived at the café for our morning coffee, so I slipped into line to wait for her and read the news on my phone. I’d made two feet of progress in line, and an article and a half worth of progress on current events when someone touched my shoulder. I turned, and Brooke slipped around to the other side, laughing like a kid caught in a peek-a-boo game.

  Her hand lingered on my shoulder for another few seconds. “Morning, how’re you feeling?”

  Great now you’re here. “Human.”

  “You look much better.” Though she didn’t move her head, her eyes wandered. Mostly downward from my face. “Actually, Jesus, you look amazing. New dress? Do you have court today?”

  “Thanks. And no, just a drinks-date tonight with the workmate of a friend of a friend of a…well, you get the idea.” I ran my hands over my stomach to smooth down the dress. “Last-minute thing. Trying to line up schedules has been a nightmare, so we’re doing the ‘we both work in the city, let’s just meet up after work’ thing. It’s a pain in the ass because I had to leave my car here for the migraine thing, so I have to drive home and I can’t drink much.”

  An odd look flashed over her face and if I didn’t know better I’d have thought it was jealousy, tinged with a touch of regret. You’re flattering yourself, Jana. Brooke’s easy smile quickly covered her expression. “Ah, damn. I was going to see if you wanted to join me for a TV binge session and some baby-spicy Mexican tonight.”

  As she laid out her plans, I knew that was all I wanted to do and briefly wondered if I should just call this guy and cancel. Only the fact that he was associated with someone I knew and canceling would make me look bad stopped me. “Shit, I so would have. Sorry. They’ve been trying to throw us at each other for months now so I kind of have to go. Total rain check though, first chance we’re both free?”

  Her smile was bright, but her eyes remained wary. “Sounds great. I hope you have a blast.”

  “Honestly, I think I’d just settle for some interesting conversation.”

  The smile dimmed and her expression intensified. “You’re too special to settle for anything, Jana.” She straightened, cleared her throat. “Shit, sorry, that was really rude of me. It is so not my place to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do. Especially not with guys. I, um, sorry, I’ll keep my opinions to myself.” She appeared mortified and with flustered movements, opened her purse.

  Gently, I grabbed her forearm. “Hey, you don’t have to do that. I like your opinions.” More than that, I wanted her to care enough to have opinions about me and feel comfortable enough to express them. “Hanging out with you tonight sounds so good, but I just can’t. Sorry.”

  “Oh no, I get it. Sorry, bit of an overreaction there.” She looked up, her not-real smile still in place. “Already in the work sucks headspace I guess.”

  “Can I try to drag you out of it by buying you coffee? I owe you for the migraine thing. I mean, coffee’s pretty inadequate but it’s all I’ve got right now.”

  “You don’t owe me anything, Jana.” She drew in a long breath. “But coffee sounds great.”

  * * *

  My date with Todd the financial analyst was not going well. Not going well was possibly one of the bigger understatements of my life. General boredom and complete lack of attraction aside, he was also completely unapologetic about his political views. As in—he had none. On its own, that would have been a teeth-grinding moment but when I added it to the fact pretty much everything else about him was wishy-washy too, and every conversation I’d tried to start had been dead-ended by his “Hmm not sure” or “I really don’t know,” he’d quickly moved to the Nope list and then to the Hell Nope list.

  Mentally, I headdesked. Then immediately smiled when I thought of how Brooke would actually say headdesk in the middle of a conversation to indicate her frustration when she couldn’t find the actual words. She’d also thrown out a spoken LOL or two, and listening to her say it as a word instead of acronym always made me laugh.

  Thinking of how animated Brooke was when discussing pretty much everything made me suddenly desperate to not be where I was. I wanted to be with her, talking about how good the margaritas were at the bar down the street from our work building, and the chemical composition of volcanic ash, and everything in between while we inhaled our not-spicy Mexican food and picked apart whatever we’d decided to binge watch. But I was stuck with Tedious Todd.

  For now at least.

  There was a football replay showing in the far corner of the bar, and desperate for conversation topics, I tried to prompt Todd into giving me his feelings about the NFL.

  “It’s all right I guess. Sometimes I like sports.” He smiled cheerfully as he pushed his chair back. “I’m just going to visit the little boys’ room.”

  Little. Boys’. Room. Wow. Just, fucking…wow. If everything else hadn’t already convinced me he was a dud, that gem certainly did. I watched him wind his way through the bar and when I was certain he was out of sight, fumbled my phone from my purse and sent Sabine a text I knew she’d understand.

  CALL 10!!!!

  As I pressed send, I simultaneously hoped that she was awake and near her phone, and wondered what bizarre and disjointed conversation was in store for me when my sister would hopefully call in ten minutes. I checked my phone sound was on loudly. Then I thought up a plausible story to tell him on my way out the door, yet another skill I’d perfected over years of date abandonment.

  Todd walked through the bar, checking his zipper with one hand and his hair with the other. His gaze was directly on me, and his laser focus gave me a brief stab of guilt. Statistically, most guys on their way back from the bathroom checked out other women around the room. Stay strong, Jana. He’s probably going to tell you he had a successful peepee.

  He climbed back onto his barstool, peered at my glass of red, which was still half full, then his
empty beer glass and signaled the barman over. While we waited, I made a few more valiant attempts at conversation. Did he like to hike or camp? No, afraid of wildlife. What about indoor stuff like video games? They made him motion sick.

  The first text alert sounded from my purse a few minutes after he’d received a fresh beer. Five minutes since I’d texted Sabs, good timing, not too suspicious. I laughed lightly. “Sorry. Probably a client.”

  “At eight thirty at night? Do you always work after hours like this?”

  “Mhmm, that’s me. Always available.” Lowering my voice to the perfect pitch of earnestness I added, “I think it’s really important for people to know they have someone they trust and who will be there for them during such a difficult time.” In truth, being always available was a mistake. I’d learned early on, with some help from Will and Ollie, that if you wanted to maintain some work-life balance one of the worst things you could do as an attorney was to be overly available for your clients.

  Todd mused noncommittally and sipped his beer. I asked him about the financial market and received a vague answer in response. I asked if he liked to travel and was told only for work. Come on, Sabs, I’m dying here. Mercifully, my sister came through and two more text message alerts landed within thirty seconds of each other. I studiously ignored each one, making a face that was the perfect mix of apologetic and how annoying. The texts were just for effect, to strengthen the punch of Sabine’s big finale.

  Exactly five minutes after the first text—leave it to Sabine to be ridiculously punctual even at a time like this—my phone rang. “Sorry, Todd, I should probably take this.” The apology was a mix of contrite and no-nonsense, a tone I’d perfected over the years for this exact situation. When I fished my phone from my handbag, I saw three texts on the display.

  The skin cells in your mouth are the same as the skin cells in your vagina.

  I spat in your Pepsi after you ruined my R.E.M. concert tee with paint.

  Koalas have unique fingerprints just like humans.

  I had to clench my molars to keep from laughing and with great effort, forced a frown and said, “Oh, it’s my sister.” I tapped the phone screen to answer, “Sabs, what’s up? You keep texting me.”

  “Rubber Ducky Sixty-Niner, this is Root Beer Float Eighty-Eight. Do you copy? Also, I’m not kidding, I really did spit in your drink because I was super fucking pissed at you. Over.”

  Eww, gross. “Oh my God. Jesus, oh no, seriously? Is she okay? How bad is it?”

  “Pretty bad. I may have added some hocked-up throat stuff too. I don’t regret it though, it was my best and favorite shirt from my first ever concert. Over.”

  “Oh…my God. Shit. Oh shit.” Bitch bitch bitch. And double ewww.

  “Jannie, come on. We need to work on your radio comm skills. How will I know you’re done talking if you don’t say over? Over.”

  I cleared my throat, fighting the giggle that was trying to work its way out. “What did the doctors say?”

  “The doctor said Titus is still in the tree out the front and won’t come down for dinner. Should I call for a hot firefighting woman to get him? Actually, Bec’s good at tree-climbing. Maybe I’ll make her put on a firefighter uniform…without a few bits of course. Gotta make it sexxxy. Overrrrr.”

  “Oh God that’s not good. Okay, look I’m across town but it shouldn’t take me long to get there.” I reached for my purse, pulling out some cash to cover my one and a half drinks. No way was I going to let Todd pay for me and get any ideas about there being a next time.

  “Ten-four, copy that, sis. On second thought, maybe I should get an industrial vacuum cleaner and suction him to the end of the hose, so I can pull him down like that? Over.”

  “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” I hung up before she could say anything else that might break my fraying self-control.

  Sad things, think of sad things. I was quite pleased when, thanks to my attempt at holding laughter back, my voice came out with just the right amount of tightness. “Todd, I’m so sorry, but my sister’s had a bad car accident and she’s in an induced coma and I have to go.” Perfect. The trick with this kind of situation was to lie while skirting the edges of truth. My sister had indeed been in a bad accident, albeit a few years ago now, and had been pretty fucked up at the time. If anyone decided to check in with me after hearing about my sister’s mishap from Todd, it’d be easy to carry on the lie. I should really teach a class or something.

  Todd jumped to his feet, his face a mask of such genuine distress that I almost felt bad. Until I remembered the little boys’ room. “Oh no. Jana, that’s terrible.” A light hand touched my shoulder. “Will you be all right getting to the hospital? Do you need a ride?”

  I sniffed, set the money on the bar and took a step back, ready to make my exit. “I’ll be fine, thank you. I’ll just run out and grab a cab.” Back to work to get my car, which was only five blocks away. But he didn’t need to know that.

  He bent to kiss me and I deflected with a head turn so it landed squarely on my cheek. Barely two hours of boring-as-fuck first-date drinks does not entitle you to a kiss, mister. “I’ll check my schedule and call you.” Like hell.

  “Okay. Um, well…good luck.”

  “Thank you. Take care.” I squeezed his hand, then backed away.

  Safely outside, I flagged down a cab and dialed Sabine. She answered almost right away and I jumped in with, “I hate you.”

  I could hear the smile in her voice. “No you don’t. You love me. So, who’s in dire straits this time?”

  “Our nonexistent other sister had a super serious car accident and is in a coma. It’s dicey. She might not make it.”

  Sabs chuckled. “It’s okay, me and Bec’ll save her.”

  I snorted. “I’m sure you two are excellent at your jobs, but I don’t think even your skills can save this poor imaginary woman.”

  “You underestimate us. Also, you are so going to hell for all the lying you’ve done to these poor defenseless guys. I bet they don’t even know what hit them when you rush out of there in a whirlwind like the Tasmanian Devil.”

  “I know, I knowww, sometimes I’m awful. But, Sabs, he used the phrase ‘little boys’ room’ when he went to the bathroom.”

  All the teasing left her voice. “Oh. Fuck. Really? Well why didn’t you ask for a bail out sooner?”

  “I messaged you the moment he was gone!”

  “Good. That’s even worse than the one who ordered your dinner for you. What else was wrong with this guy?”

  “Ugh, just…no. I can’t even explain it but he was just wrong. A bar of soap would have been a better conversationalist.”

  “I see.” She sighed and I could hear her genuine concern when she said, “Jannie, I really hope one day you find the right person.”

  “Mmm. I’m not even sure the right person for me even exists.” I stared out the cab window. “Oh, are you still going to come watch Brooke’s Ultimate Frisbee game with me on Saturday?”

  There was a long pause. “Yes. As confirmed twice already.”

  Her odd tone made me wonder what exactly the issue was. “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  I waited silently, knowing she wouldn’t be able to resist telling me exactly what she was thinking. Sabine didn’t disappoint. After five seconds she amended, “Nothing except within moments of saying the right person, you mentioned Brooke’s name. Herr Freud would be having a field day with this one.”

  “Seriously? I was just thinking about my schedule for the week, that’s all.”

  “Mhmm. And all the other times you’ve casually mentioned Brooke out of the blue? You must think about your weekly schedule a whole lot.”

  “You’re insufferable.” And maybe not that far off the mark…

  “I know. I’m also usually right. So did I teach you some new fun facts tonight?”

  “Aside from the disgustingness of you spitting in my drink, you bitch, you did. I knew the koala fingerprint thing but di
dn’t know about the skin cell thing. Interesting, and a little off-putting.”

  She laughed. “Not for me it isn’t.” With a kiss down the phone and an, “I love you. See you Saturday for the big game.” Sabine hung up.

  “Shithead,” I mumbled.

  I opened my texts and scrolled up to find the back-and-forth between Brooke and me about the Ultimate game.

  Hey! No pressure but just wanted to check if you’re still in for ultimate finals cheering on Saturday and if you need a ride. Let me know? Drinks afterward regardless? x

  I’ll be there! Sabs too, so she’ll drive me. Should I have pom-poms this time?

  Great! Looking forward to meeting Sabine. And I wouldn’t dissuade you from whatever cheerleading outfit you decide to wear.

  Shit. Time to go to a costume store–I think it’s a proven fact people cheer louder when they have pom-poms. Might even go full outfit, short skirt and all.

  They’ll eat you alive.

  I don’t think I’d mind.

  I might… Wear whatever you want  As long as you cheer loudest for me.

  Of course! You’re my star player xx

  I read the thread again, aware of a strange sensation worming its way through my body. Sure it was a friendly exchange but it was also something more. I pinched the bridge of my nose. Stop skirting around it, Jana—if it was a guy then you would definitely class it as flirting. Reciprocated flirting. I was flirting with a woman, and it’d moved from harmless playful I’m bored kind of flirting to I kinda really mean it kind of flirting.

  Oh, shit.

  I took a moment to sift through the assorted feelings of confusion, excitement, and anticipation. Okay. Openly flirting with Brooke and enjoying it. Right. Add that to the newly discovered feelings you have for her. Once I’d acknowledged what was happening and confirmed that not only did I not care but that I liked it, there was only one thing to do.

  I sent her a pointless text. You up?

  Her response landed less than a minute later. Yup! I got caught up in an America’s Next Top Model replay marathon straight from work. Have not left couch in 4 hours. Numb butt. How was the date?