by E. J. Noyes
Chapter Twenty-Nine
As well as being a Monday, which meant it was duty-bound to be crap, I’d been chewed out by a client, denigrated by a judge and lost an earring on my walk back from the courthouse. The day officially sucked. Plus Brooke had something urgent to take care of at work and told me she’d just meet me at my place when she was done, so I didn’t even have the comfort of her presence on the drive home.
But when I opened my door to her, greeted her with a long hug and a soft kiss, my irritation melted away. She held on to me, arms hooked around my shoulders and her face against my neck. I felt her quiet inhalation of breath before she spoke. “Sorry I missed you this afternoon. Today has been crazy.”
“Same. But I feel better now you’re here.” We disengaged, and she followed me to the kitchen. “I was talking to my parents today, and Dad confirmed he’ll pick us up from the airport on Friday. Oh, and a heads-up, I’m sure at some stage he will want to show off his herd of cows and his pride and joy, The Bull, so it might not be a bad idea to pack some clothes and shoes to wander around the fields. I already have the hotel booked, so another heads-up—Mom’s going to get all whiny about the fact we’re not staying there, specifically in my childhood bedroom. Do you want a drink?”
“Jana, wait.”
“No?”
“No, I do want a drink. I, uh—”
I paused, turned around and noted right away her misery. Her hands twisted together nervously and for a few terrifying moments I thought she was about to tell me she wanted to break up. I had to lean against the table to steady myself. “What’s up?”
What she said was awful, but thankfully not that awful. “I’m not going to be able to make the wedding. I am so sorry.”
My already slightly panicked stomach lurched. “Oh. Why?”
She pushed a hand through her hair, the gesture rushed and jerky. “My father has called an urgent meeting this Saturday.”
“A meeting. On a Saturday…” A tiny, hateful part of me wondered if she was bailing, running away because I’d been too forward by declaring I was falling in love with her. I dismissed the idea right away, and mentally chastised myself for being such an untrusting bitch.
She dropped her hand, which clenched to a fist, and gestured angrily. “Yes, on a fucking Saturday. To discuss the future of Donnelly and Donnelly, which translates to let’s start making a timeline for me to take over.”
“Oh. Did you tell him you had something planned?” With your girlfriend, I added in my head, though even as I thought it, I was certain it wouldn’t have had any bearing on her father’s decision. Actually, him knowing that probably would have just made things worse.
She paced across the living room, twisting her fingers together. “Of course I damned well did! And I tried to get him to reschedule it, but he’s adamant it can’t be during the week because he doesn’t want the staff to know about it.” She was tearful. “And it has to be this weekend. He kept going on and on about getting the ball rolling and having meetings with lawyers scheduled for next week.”
“Oh,” I said again. Apparently my intellect had disappeared. I blurted the first thing that came to mind. “Well we all know how inflexible lawyers are with their schedules.” Shut up, Jana. Being passive-aggressive isn’t going to help.
But either she didn’t catch my tone or chose to ignore it. “I’m really sorry, but I have to go to this meeting, and I need to prep for it on Friday. I don’t have a choice.” Her jaw was rigid, the words ground out as though it hurt her to say them. “I know bailing days before the party and wedding is such a shitty thing to do. I tried to get out of it, I really did. I’m so sorry.”
I was this close to telling her that no she didn’t have to go to the meeting. That she didn’t have to come running every time her father called, especially for something she was so against. And if she didn’t want to take over her father’s company, then she didn’t have to do that either. But it wasn’t for me to say what we both already knew. And there was even less point in me rehashing something we’d already had small disagreements about.
I almost suggested that maybe she could just fly in on Friday after work and doing her preparation stuff to attend the party, meet my family and then fly back to D.C. early Saturday for the meeting. But not only was it unfair and pointless to ask her to screw around so much, the idea of having her be there and then leave again before the main event almost felt worse than her not coming at all. Brooke paused a few feet away, looking so completely devastated that I set aside some of my upset.
I forced cheer into my voice. “Well, yeah, it sucks but if that’s what has to happen then it’s what has to happen.” Smiling, I added, “Pity, you won’t get to see me do my MC Hammer dance.”
She didn’t take my bait. Instead, her jaw muscles bunched. “I was looking forward to it so much, and meeting your parents and everything.”
I drew my hands up and down her biceps, hoping my touch might soothe her when words clearly weren’t. “I know, sweetheart but there’ll be another time, and probably not before long. Trust me, Mom won’t be able to help herself if she doesn’t meet you soon and will probably come here specifically.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“Mm, okay then.” She rubbed her hands over her face. “I’ll call Sabine and Rebecca and tell them I can’t make it.”
“It’s fine, I can do it.” I rummaged in the fridge for the bottle of sauvignon.
Her shoulders dropped. “No, Jana. I should be the one to tell them. I want to explain and apologize myself.”
“Sure, whatever you want to do is fine with me.”
“Are you mad?”
“No, I’m not mad.” And I wasn’t, not if I used the traditional definition of mad. “Can you grab some wineglasses please?”
Her response was slightly muffled as she turned her back on me to reach into the cabinet. “You seem like it.”
“Brooke, I’m not mad.”
“Well you’re something.”
Even though I knew it would hurt her, I told her the truth. But not before I’d poured us each a glass of wine and taken a large mouthful to help my dry mouth. “Okay, what I am is really upset.”
“I get that, and I own it,” she said evenly. Then the evenness of her tone faded for a tremulous, unhappy one. “Like I said, I really want to go.”
“No, Brooke. It’s not about you not being able to make the wedding or the party even though yeah, that fucking sucks. I know you want to come. I’m upset because your dad is running your life when he doesn’t even accept your life. You’re keeping a major part of yourself hidden from him and that’s not fair of him to make you do that. You’re not living authentically.”
“He’s not making me do anything,” she said, voice icy calm. “I keep this from him because I don’t want to deal with his disappointment and his anger and everything that’s going to follow on from that. Don’t tell me you never did things just to please your parents, or to make things more comfortable for them?”
“No, because they would never ask that of us,” I said immediately. “I mean, Sabine’s just Sabine and she joined the Army because of her own sense of duty to the family and to her it was the right thing. But my family loves unconditionally, and not just people who they share genetic material with.”
“Well, I’m sorry but my family isn’t accepting of things like this the way yours is. It must be so nice to have that but I don’t, Jana, and there’s nothing I can do about it and having you holding it up as a beacon of inclusivity honestly just makes me feel like shit.”
My snap came out before I could rein my tongue in. “Well I’m sorry my family’s the poster child for love and inclusivity.” I rubbed my eyes, well aware I’d gone too far. “Fuck, I’m sorry I said that, it was mean and hurtful and so unnecessary. I’m sorry I’m being a bitch. It’s just…this isn’t quite how I imagined things going with us, and even if you set aside the whole let’s hide Jana thing, it’s really
hard for me to see you struggling with this.”
“How do you see things going with us?” she asked hoarsely.
The response came out without thought. “A long way. I see a relationship with you, but I want all of it. Like the part where we spend some holidays with my family, and some with yours even if we’re sitting there uncomfortable as heck listening to childhood stories, eating food we hate and family is bickering. I want you to tell your dad I’m your girlfriend.” I tightened my hold on the wineglass, willing my hands not to shake. “You want me to change everything about myself, commit to this thing that’s new and scary, but you won’t even introduce me to your family?”
“I’ve told you multiple times why it’s not really an option to tell him,” she said, the calmness in her voice forced and tight at the edges. “And I haven’t asked you to change a thing. You came to me.”
“Yes we have discussed it, and yes I did come to you. But I didn’t realize the full picture then. All I’m saying is, what happens later, Brooke, if this thing goes long term? Am I going to be something that you keep hidden away at Thanksgiving or birthdays? Will you have to go running to your father every time he wants you to do something, even if it interferes with our plans? Will we have to hide my stuff in our house and send me away every time your dad comes around?”
“I don’t know how we’ll handle things like that in the future because I’ve never considered it before with any other woman.”
The whole argument was like a revolving door with no exit. “Being…diminished like this makes me feel really shitty.”
“Diminished? Are you fucking serious? I’m literally considering putting years of hurt and fucking mental bullshit about my past relationships aside to be with you. All I’m asking is for some goddamned time, which I don’t think is unreasonable. I can’t do everything at once and frankly, I don’t have the mental stamina to deal with my dad right now.”
“Okay, I’m hearing that, I accept it. I want to move forward with you when you’re ready. But your dad thing is a real issue for me. Later when regular couples would take the next step and do the introduction thing…that’s not going to happen and maybe it never will.” I let out a breath. “I guess I would have liked to have known this before, well, all of this.”
She went utterly still. “Would it have changed your decision about moving forward with us?”
Immediately I realized my mistake, my poor wording. “No! Fuck, no. Sorry, I meant I could have prepared for this scenario a little better, had more time to get used to taking myself out of the closet and then putting myself half back in. Making it easier for you. You’re asking me to hover in limbo here and I don’t know how to do that.”
“I guess I didn’t think it would bother you, or honestly that we’d end up here so soon, staring down the barrel of an actual committed, possible long-term relationship.” She paused, nervously licked her lower lip. “You said it yourself, that sort of thing isn’t you, and your self-confessed reputation for casual made me think it wouldn’t be an issue.” Ouch. But not entirely unfair. She raised both hands helplessly. “And I’m not asking you for a goddamned thing except a little, I don’t know…trust? Faith? Effort? Patience? What’s the damned hurry?”
“Faith? Trust? Jesus, Brooke, this is my first relationship with a woman. Hell, possibly my first real relationship ever. If that’s not having faith in you then what the fuck is?” I sucked in a quick breath. “Honestly…you’re confusing me. Sometimes you seem like you’re totally into being with me, like the excitement about meeting my parents just as a quick example. To me, that’s a couple’s thing. But then I feel like the next minute you’ve panicked and changed your mind again. And I don’t know if it’s because of your dad or your past relationships stuff, or all of it. Or…if the issue is actually me.”
“I don’t know what it is,” she whispered. “But I do know it’s not you.”
I exhaled a relieved breath. “Good, okay then. Look, I’m just being honest and open about my feelings, which I’m sure you’ve already gathered is kind of my thing. And I feel like now that I’m not saying what you like to hear, saying things that make you uncomfortable, you don’t want to hear it.”
“Jana, it’s not that I don’t want to hear it, but it’s that what you’re saying is utterly pointless. The thing with my dad is flogging a dead horse, a dead and practically decomposed horse.” She took a few steps backward, keeping the kitchen counter between us, swiping her hand under both eyes. “Do you think I haven’t been through this over and over in my head millions of times for the last, I don’t know…twenty or more years and even more so since we got together? Do you think I’m just being a little bit stubborn for the hell of it? That I’m playing around because I want to toy with you? Believe me, I’m not. My family isn’t like yours, Jana. And no matter where you and I end up, there is absolutely nothing I can do about that.” By the time she’d finished, her color was high and despite her tears, her voice remained steely.
So I made a decision then, something that would affect how we progressed. Or didn’t. “Okay,” I said quietly, raising both hands. “You know what, I’m not going push you any more about this. Because clearly it’s not something you’re willing to change, not even for me. That’s not to say I agree, or I’m happy about you being constantly upset and making yourself sick about your job and your relationship with your dad. It’s your life. But at some point, it could be our life and I just want you to remember that.”
The anger faded, and her voice went eerily flat. “Okay, thank you.” She kept backing away from me, in the direction of the front door. “I might go home. I don’t think it’s a good idea to be sitting here with this hanging over our heads and both of us getting even more upset.” She gathered her things and was in the entryway before I’d even moved from the kitchen.
“Brooke, wait a moment. Please don’t go home. We’ll drop it and forget about it, I promise.”
“I can’t just drop it, Jana. Don’t you get it? This thing with my dad is everywhere, fucking up everything. Just like my exes are still in my head, fucking up everything. Please, I just can’t do more of this right now.” Now instead of flat, her voice had turned tight and tearful. She shrugged into her coat and slipped out the front door with a mumbled, “I’ll call you, bye.” The door closed behind her with a soft snick.
I stared at the closed door. Well. Goddammit. I let myself slump forward until my forehead rested against the cool wood. “Fuck. Fuckity fuck fucking. Shit.”
Excellent coping mechanism you’ve got there, Jana. Maybe add a boo hoo poor me for good measure. I stayed there for a minute or so, pressed against the door, hoping answers would be transplanted into my head somehow. They weren’t. Right, time to try another coping mechanism. Finish that bottle of wine and eat an unhealthy amount of chocolate.
I’d just opened my fridge when the doorbell rang. I so did not feel like talking to the building maintenance or security, or the woman a floor below who regularly received my mail by accident. I considered just ignoring it, until a second, longer ring came on the back of the first.
As I peered through the peephole, my irritation evaporated. Brooke stood crying in the hall, nervously turning her keys in her fingers. Relief and fear meshed as I pulled the door open and stepped back so she could come inside.
But she just stood there. “I wasn’t sure you’d want to let me in again,” she said, voice so quiet I thought I’d misheard.
“Of course I do.” Instead of waiting for her I made the decision, gently taking her hand and leading her inside.
“Good. I wasn’t sure after…what just happened.” The words were cracked, and Brooke’s mouth twisted like she was trying to regain control of her speech. “I was riding down in the elevator just now, and I kept thinking how upset I was that we’d just argued, and how much I wanted a hug. No big deal right? Like go see someone I know and get hugged. But it only took me two floors to realize that the hug I wanted was back upstairs. You’re the comfor
t and the support and everything I need.” She shrugged, her hands flopping helplessly to her sides. “I’m sorry. You’re right about my dad, I’m letting him control my life when he doesn’t support it, but I’m so fucking afraid of being honest with him about my personal life, and how much I hate my job that whenever I think about it I want to puke or cry. Or both. I just don’t know what to do. I’m petrified.”
I hugged her close, held her tightly against me. I didn’t say anything, just held her and let my fingers drift slowly around her back. Brooke gripped the back of my sweatshirt, and her tears were wet against my neck. “I didn’t mean to run out like that but you made me so fucking scared and I just didn’t know what to do.”
“Why I did I scare you, sweetheart?”
She sniffed, palmed her eyes. “Because I’ve never had anyone on my side like this. I’ve never had anyone loving me like this and it’s terrifying because I don’t want to lose it. I don’t want to screw this up and all I can see are these things with my past relationships and my issues with my father pushing you away.”
“Then I guess we’re even. I’m scared too, by my appalling track record, extreme pickiness, bossiness, bitchiness and thousands of other dreadful traits that might drive you away.” I took a chance. “We can deal with the relationship stuff as it comes. And yeah, this thing with your dad is a bit of an issue, but there’s always going to be an issue for us to work through together, right? I mean, my family is pretty intense, especially for someone who doesn’t like crowds. I think maybe we just need to accept that this is how things are now and figure out how we can work with it so we’re both getting what we need.”
“I think what I need is you. I mean, I need to sort this out before it gets…bad, but I really just need you.”
“Likewise. Come to bed with me,” I murmured.
She smiled shakily. “I’m totally wrecked, and to make things even better, I’m pretty sure I just got my period. I don’t think—”
