by E. J. Noyes
I took her hand, pulled her until she stepped forward. Slowly she met my eyes. I framed her face in my hands and kissed her softly. “No, come to bed and let’s just lie there for while. I just want to hold you. I just want to be with you.” I just wanted to love her.
Chapter Thirty
Friday morning, the phone calls started at five thirty a.m. Inconvenient at the best of times, but even more so when Brooke and I were engaging in a little won’t see each other for two days morning nookie. Sabine and Bec had flown to Ohio the night before, and my job was to bring the dresses with me on my lunchtime flight. When I told Brooke that the calls were probably about that or some other inane ceremony thing, she laughed. I growled and pulled her back down on top of me.
I managed to ignore seven calls up until half-past six. Then Sabine started calling my landline, and I caved and answered. Even after assurances that I’d packed all three dresses and I was fine with details, she kept calling me to remind me that Dad would meet me at the airport at two thirty, don’t forget to pack shoes—no shit—and the party dress, and and and…
In the end, I sent her photos of me with my two suitcases, the clearly identifiable dress bags and my shoes, and a screenshot of the email from the airline confirming that I would be allocated space to hang all three ceremony dresses in the onboard closet. Then I texted Bec with a single Help! which did the trick. I received nothing more than a Hope you and the dresses have a good flight from Sabine as I was getting ready to board. Did she have a hidden cam following me and reporting my every move?
As I settled in my seat, I was acutely aware of the empty one beside me that should have held my girlfriend. Girlfriend. No matter how many times I thought it or said it, that word still sent a little thrill through me and I realized how quickly I’d become accustomed to it. Even with everything of the last few days, the slight uneasiness between us, my feelings for her hadn’t changed.
We’d carefully avoided poking at still-raw wounds. Brooke had wrapped and boxed her sculpture and it rested in the overhead compartment, along with her card. All I could think was how I’d already written out a card and had left a space for her to write something too. I’d never done that before, never been in a relationship where I’d had the need, or want, to give a shared gift. I inhaled slowly, let it out even slower. There was no point in dwelling on the upset of being by myself. We hadn’t broken up, just…had differing schedules, which would probably happen again. All couples had things like that.
The flight was quick, helped by a few glasses of wine and a book. Me, not working on a flight, a novel concept. The moment we started taxiing, I turned my phone back on and was assaulted by the expected barrage of texts, alerts and email notifications. Four texts from Sabine—who knew my schedule down to the minute—all with variations of “Hurry up, I’m so excited I might explode” as if I were capable of making the flight go faster. Two from Mom with basically the same vibe as Sabine. One from Bec, warning me that conditions in my parents’ house had reached peak excitement, and I should prepare myself. Geez, Bec, I hadn’t noticed.
There were also the expected work emails and missed calls from Sabs, Sabs, Brooke. Only one voice mail. Brooke.
“Hey, I’m just about to go into a client meeting and uh, I knew you’d be in the air but I’m lame and just wanted to hear your voice, even if it’s only a recorded message.” Laughter. “So I guess this is pretty much a pointless message. Hope your flight was okay. Talk soon, bye.”
I listened to it one more time, then hit call back. It went right to her voice mail as I’d expected. “Hey, just landed and I know you’re probably with your client so this is also pointless, but…I just wanted to say hi. And to tell you I read a book during the flight instead of working. Please be appropriately impressed. Um. I miss you. Give me a call when you’re finished at work? Bye. Love you.” Those last two words had come out without thought. As I ended the call, I wondered when and if I’d ever hear her say them back to me.
* * *
Once the party crowd had dispersed, I shirked cleanup duties to take Oma and Opa home. I was desperate for some quiet time, time away from having to pretend everything was fine and that I wasn’t miserable without Brooke. I’d spoken to her for fifteen minutes or so before our ceremony rehearsal thing, we’d texted back and forth while I was getting ready for the party and I’d told her I’d try to call once everything was done. Truth be told, I didn’t think I could face talking to her feeling as lonely as I did.
Sabine found me leaning my forearms against the porch railing, staring out into the night and slowly working on a bottle of red. She leaned in and gave me a one-armed hug. “When did you get back?”
“About twenty minutes ago. I was going to stay for coffee but Oma shoved me out the door and said I needed to go home and rest so I’d look my best tomorrow.”
“Shit, I didn’t even hear you drive in. Usually it sounds like a NASCAR rally.”
“Ha-ha. Hard to go fast in your parents’ fifteen-year-old car. Aaand…Brooke mentioned that my driving bothered her, scared her. She’s worried I’m going to write myself off. So I’m trying to be a little more suburban housewife when I drive.”
“Scares us too. I guess we owe her big time for finally making you listen to what we’ve been trying to get through your head since you got your license.” Sabs laughed quietly, nudging me with her shoulder. “She’s good for you, in more ways than one.”
“She is,” I agreed. “But I’m not sure I’m good for her,” I added quietly.
“What do you mean?”
I let out a long breath. “We had a pretty big fight earlier this week. Who the fuck fights two weeks after agreeing to be in a relationship?”
“Only two weeks hey? Shit, I got snippy at Bec after two days because of how she stacked the dishwasher.”
“Did you throw around insults and mean words designed to hurt each other?”
“Well…no. But we’ve had some pretty rough arguments since. It doesn’t mean we love each other any less.”
The last thing I felt like doing was selfishly digging in to the issues I was having with my girlfriend the night before my sister’s not-wedding. “Mmm. Where is everyone?”
“The M ’n’ Ms went back to the hotel. Mom’s on the phone talking to Aunt Tracey about something for tomorrow and Bec is having a drink with Dad and talking about carrier pigeons in World War One.” She grinned. “Did you know they used to parachute them in?”
I smiled into my glass of wine. “I did, which always seemed so stupid. Why parachute something that can fly?”
“Beats me.” My sister held out her hand for my wineglass, took an appreciative swallow and passed it back to me. “Party went well. Mom’s still over the moon that Barbara Hopeshaw noticed the new vase we gave her for her birthday.”
“Always thinking of the important stuff.” Sabs and I shared a laugh, and I topped up my glass. “How’re you feeling? Nervous?”
“No,” Sabine said seriously. “I’ve been waiting my whole life for tomorrow. Are you?”
“Me? Course not. All I have to do is stand around and look fabulous, pass you a ring, then drink and dance my ass off.”
“True, and we both know those are things you excel at.”
I saluted her with my wineglass. “We all have our talents.”
She bumped me with her shoulder. “So…what’s going on?”
I swallowed a mouthful of wine, shaking my head. “Nothing.”
“Come on. You can pull that shit with everyone else but you don’t fool me. Never have.” Sabs slid her arm around my waist and pulled me close, resting her cheek against my hair.
“Just a little tired with work, that’s all.”
“Nuh-uh. Try again.”
“Worried I’m going to trip walking up the aisle tomorrow.”
She let me go. “You won’t, and if you stumble at all, you’ve got Mitch to hold you up. So why don’t you quit screwing around and tell me why you’re upset with Brooke.�
�
“I’m not upset with her,” I said instantly.
“Yes you are.”
“No, I’m just upset she can’t make it.”
Sabine said carefully, “Mmm, I’m sure she is too. She seemed it when she called me to tell me she couldn’t attend after all.”
“Yeah well, her dad called and she had to go running.” Under my breath I muttered, “Of course it’s her dad that’s in the way.”
“Hey, that’s not fair.”
“What? It’s the truth.”
“Grow up.” It wasn’t said unkindly, but there was a definite edge that told me I was going too far. “Sometimes that’s just how things work out. No matter how hard you try you can’t always make schedules line up, or something comes up last minute. And it sucks, but that’s a relationship. And you can either sulk and bitch and whine and make her feel even worse about it. Or you suck it up and support her with something that’s clearly hard for her.”
“I know it’s hard for her, I know she doesn’t like it, and I know I’m being a whiny baby. But that doesn’t change how I feel. I really wanted her to be here, Sabs, and for stupid selfish reasons which just makes me feel like an even bigger shithead.”
“What selfish reasons?”
“So she could meet everyone, so I could show her off, and show everyone that I can be a grown up and in a relationship. And I’m upset because I’m being a bitch about the whole thing, like yeah her family is her family. But they give her nothing in the way of support and I cannot understand why she keeps throwing herself at this brick wall of bigotry.”
“Because he’s her dad,” she said, as though that statement explained everything.
“Well yeah, but it’s hurting her.”
“Jannie, you know I’m always here to talk to about stuff, but this is the sort of thing you need to talk about with her.”
“I tried.”
Sabine’s eyes narrowed. “Did you really? Or did you do that thing where you throw your opinions at someone then walk away?”
Ever so slowly, I extended a middle finger at her. “I’ll have you know I stayed after throwing my opinion at her. She doesn’t think she can be honest without him completely losing his shit, and I don’t want to be a thing hidden away or made to leave our hypothetical shared house in the future whenever he comes around.”
“A good old-fashioned impasse, eh?”
“You could say that.” I covered my face with both hands. “Fuck. The irony really is hysterical. My job is to negotiate issues like this. But now it’s my own life, I’m completely fucking stuck.” I dropped my hands, looked up at her pleadingly. “I’m sorry to throw this at you like eighteen hours before you’re getting not-married. I know you’ve got other shit on your plate right now.”
Sabs shrugged. “Eh, it’s what I’m here for.” Her gaze grew intense. “Be honest with me. Is this because she’s a woman? Are you having second thoughts about it?”
“No. I think it’s because she might be the woman.”
“Wow. You didn’t even hesitate. Shit.”
“I know. You must be rubbing off on me.”
Sabine came out officially to me when she was twelve, half an hour before telling our parents. She didn’t mince words or dance around it, just declared, “I’m gay, Jannie. I like girls,” she’d added quickly, like she thought I wouldn’t know exactly what gay meant. Not I think, but I am. Clear and succinct, typical Sabine. And that was it. She’d never seemed to display any self-doubt about any aspect of her life. I’m gay. I’m going to be a surgeon. I’m in love with my superior officer and it’s a huge big secret deal but she’s leaving the Army and we’re going to be together. I’m marrying Bec.
Me on the other hand? Wishy-washy to the extreme. But not now. I knew one thing. I loved Brooke. But was love enough? Especially if it was one-sided? I drank a slow mouthful of pinot. “So I love her, but what about all the other stuff? I told her I loved her and basically got an ‘okay, great, maybe I might love you one day too soon-ish.’ I feel like I’m not important to her. Not important enough that she’d tell her dad about me. Not important enough for her to get over past dating shit.”
Sabs blew out a breath. “I hear you, and I understand what you’re saying, and I know it’s valid. But you’re also being a bit of a dick.”
“Hey!”
She held up a hand. “Just listen. This has nothing to do with you, and you need to get over it and get over yourself. This is Brooke’s battle and at the moment, you kind of seem like you’re not even on her side. You’re standing on the sideline yelling ‘You’re doing great! Let me know when you’ve slain the dragon and I can come reap the benefits.’”
“I am on her side,” I rebutted.
“Okay then. Good. Show her.” Sabs ran a hand through my hair, curled it into a loose bun at the back of my neck. “Now spit it all out. I know there’s more.”
“I hate the way you always know stuff,” I grumbled.
Her grin was slow and smug. “Big sister intuition. Come on.”
I took a few moments to sort my thoughts. Eventually, all I came out with was, “How do I know it’s right, Sabs? That’s she’s The One and I can do it? All this uncertainty is just ramping up my paranoia that I’m not cut out for this. Especially when it feels like I’m waaaaay more invested than she is right now.”
“You don’t know. But you do it anyway. If there’s even the tiniest feeling that she’s the one for you, you jump in with everything you’ve got. You give her all the love you can and you let her do the same for you.” She released my hair, let it tumble around my neck.
“But what if loving someone, wanting them isn’t enough? What if she can’t change? What if I can’t change enough to be what she needs?”
“Bullshit. I don’t believe that.”
“Well yeah, you wouldn’t, Sabine.” I waved my arm toward the house. “The love of your life is in there getting ready to commit to you. You’ve got everything you ever wanted.”
“That’s a little unfair,” she said softly. “You know it hasn’t just fallen in our laps. We’ve worked and waited and compromised and sacrificed too. That’s what you do when someone…when something means everything to you.” She was right. Bec left her Army career to be with Sabine. They’d fought war and bureaucracy trying to keep them apart, Sabine finishing another deployment, her PTSD and Bec’s guilt over having been the one who sent Sabine on the mission that almost killed her. And still they were together. Better. Stronger.
I groaned. “I’m sorrrrryy. God, I suck.”
“Yep, sometimes you do,” Sabine agreed, but she was grinning. “So, call her and talk to her, then get over yourself for a few days. Having you moping in all our photos is going to ruin the whole thing.”
She stepped away from my arm punch as Bec called from the porch door, “Sabine?”
“Yep, we’re here, baby.”
Light footsteps came around the corner. “I thought you might have raced off for a sneaky, last-minute hen’s night.” She kissed Sabine quickly and leaned into her, a head against her shoulder and an arm around her waist.
“I thought about it,” I said breezily. “But you’d have been invited anyway.”
Bec smiled. “Good.” She turned her attention to my sister. “Sweetheart, your mom wants to talk to you about something.”
Sabine sighed, raising her eyes skyward. “The flowers are fine, the caterers are triple confirmed, our dresses still fit, the DJ called to double check everything and yes, Mike has calculated cupcake numbers perfectly. What could she possibly want?” She took Bec’s face in both hands, kissed her then stomped away.
“I think she’s maybe a little more worked up than she’s admitting,” I said dryly.
“You think?” Bec drawled, the ice in her glass clinking as she raised her tumbler of scotch to her lips.
I pulled my almost sister-in-law close for a hug. “She just wants it to be perfect.”
“It will be,” Bec said seriously. “B
ut not because of the food or the music or what we’re wearing. It’s perfect because we’re declaring how much we love each other in front of other people we love.”
I had to swallow hard. “How’re you doing? Nervous?”
“Not at all.” She turned sideways to face me, lifting her elbow onto the railing. “I’ve been waiting for this my whole life. Even when I thought it was impossible, there was still part of me clinging to the notion that one day I would marry the woman of my dreams, the one who completed me. And it’s happening tomorrow.” Bec laughed quietly. “Well, not legally for a few more days, but close enough.”
“Yes, it is. And I for one, cannot wait.” I tipped my wineglass to her and she gently clinked her crystal tumbler against it.
“Neither can I.” Bec’s gaze was calm, measured, and just a little shrewd. “I’m sorry Brooke couldn’t be here.”
“Me too.” I realized where she was leading. “You heard some of that conversation just now, didn’t you?”
Her cheeky dimples confirmed my suspicion. “A little. You know, sweetheart, just because things don’t go exactly to plan, or exactly the way you want them to doesn’t mean you have to give up on your ideas of happiness.” She set her drink on the railing. “Do you remember when Sabine was away on her last deployment and we talked about why I chose to leave the Army?”
“Mhmm.” I knew how they’d danced around unspoken attraction to each other for years while working together. Then Rebecca, sneaky thing that she was, sent Sabine home on leave to get her head together after a rough breakup, and arranged for herself to be back in the USA at the same time. After what I gathered to be a very sexy and enlightening night and day together, they ran into a major stumbling block about how they would actually be together, given Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was still in play and Bec was Sabs’s commanding officer. Big no-no.
Bec’s eyebrows drew together. “You know, despite everything I felt for her, and how desperately I wanted us to be together I still couldn’t quite accept making such big change to my life.”
