by E. J. Noyes
“Which one?”
“Leaving my job,” she said instantly. “Even when I knew it was the easiest and most logical solution for us. It was my security, the thing I’d clung to the last time I’d been afraid to commit to someone. I didn’t know how I would leave that behind. What if I was making a mistake, what if I was confusing lust for love? All those fears were so overwhelming, and I would have had nowhere to go if I left the Army.”
“It was The Incident that changed your mind, wasn’t it?”
“Yes,” Bec said simply. “One fear overrode another. It was as simple as that.” She drank a slow mouthful of scotch, the edges of her mouth curled up in enjoyment. “Some things are too big to ignore, some things you have to take a chance on. Love is one of those things.”
I fiddled with my wineglass, turning it in slow circles on the railing. “But what if I’m not brave enough? Or what if I’m just not enough for her, if I can’t be what she needs or wants? What if I ask her to change her life for me and that completely fucks up her relationship with her dad, and then I fuck things up with her and she’s left with nothing?”
“I can’t answer that, Jana, because nobody knows how things will happen until they happen. But I do know you’re brave enough, you are enough for her and I’m sure Brooke knows that too.”
“Maybe.” I hoped she knew it. “I guess I still thought that maybe she’d say fuck it, fuck the stuff with her dad and tell him exactly how she feels about her job, and about me and come charging back to me saying she’s ready to throw herself fully into Us. This whole thing has basically hit all my insecurity buttons, because I feel like what she’s actually saying by not being here is that I’m not important enough to her.”
“Or…maybe what she’s saying is that she’s in an incredibly difficult position, and she needs something big that’s going to show her the way, something or someone to help her. You need to be that thing.”
But hadn’t I already done that? Hadn’t I told her I loved her? Hadn’t I said that I’d wait until she was comfortable with moving from a dating relationship to a real, committed long-term one? Hadn’t I said that I would stand by her even if she didn’t tell her dad about me? Surely that was enough? Yes I had, but maybe not in a particularly convincing way. More an Okay, whatever, I don’t want to argue about this anymore sort of agreement.
Bec leaned close, eyes twinkling. “In case you’re not sure, what I’m saying is maybe you need to evaluate exactly what’s important to you, and if you can compromise what you want right now so you two can move forward.”
We were quiet for a while and I turned the problem over in my head like a Rubik’s Cube. Eventually I conceded, “You’re right. I think it has to be me because honestly, I can’t see her changing this part of her life. Not any time soon, and maybe not even for me.” The thought still hurt, but at the same time, the thought of losing her over the issue with her dad hurt even more. “I don’t want to lose this because I can’t let go of something that, in the scheme of things, isn’t really that important.” If I had Brooke and my family, and she had my family too, then what did anything else matter?
Bec mused quietly. “Mhmm. If you love her then you need to show her, even when things aren’t happening as you want them to. She needs to know you’re there, no matter what. Don’t waste the moment.”
“She needs to know…especially from someone who’s used to jumping out the window and sprinting away the moment things aren’t the way she wants them to be?” I asked wryly.
Bec, who knew my history and teased me about it as much as Sabine, laughed. “Yes, exactly. But I don’t think that’s what you’re going to do.”
“What makes you so sure?”
Bec cupped my face gently in her hand. “Because you’re in love with her.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Mom’s wedding day breakfast was scheduled for seven a.m. sharp and don’t any of you dare be late. I caught a ride from the hotel with the M ’n’ Ms, relaxing in the backseat while Mitch, who had obviously caught Sabine’s excitement bug, chattered incessantly for the whole twenty-minute trip. Mike and I engaged with him whenever he took a breath and the rest of the time, I stared at my phone. Not wanting to wake Brooke up early on a Saturday, I hadn’t texted her yet, but then I worried that not texting her might make her think I was upset with her.
So I typed and deleted a dozen messages, trying to find the right tone between telling her I missed her and not making her feel guilty that she wasn’t here. In the end I just wrote Morning, beautiful xo as we pulled into my parents’ long, packed-dirt driveway.
The moment Mitch cut the engine, it was full steam ahead with family stuff. Mom had gone all out with breakfast, putting on a hotel buffet-style spread. Sabine, normally the master of unconscious stress fasting, actually ate a full breakfast and Bec and I shared a look of relief across the table. Game on.
After we’d finished, I snuck outside. I made my way across the freshly cut lawn to the far corner of the post-and-rail fence enclosing the backyard. I gave silent thanks that the weather was near perfect—cool and promising to remain rain-free, with the sun trying to break through light clouds. The ceremony was scheduled for three p.m., hair and makeup crew were to arrive at midday and I wanted to have a quick shower before they got to work. Given it was only eight thirty I had plenty of time to call Brooke before things got hectic. Even more hectic. Thankfully, with everything moving so quickly and so much happening, Mom and Dad hadn’t pushed about her absence.
Brooke answered on the second ring, the sound of high heels moving quickly on the sidewalk coming though the phone. Her voice was low and intimate. “Hey. I was just thinking about you guys.”
“Hey yourself. Sorry, I would have called earlier but Mom insists meals are phone-free zones. Is this a bad time?”
“Not at all. I’m just walking to the bus stop.”
“How’re you feeling?”
“Nervous, but okay. I spent most of yesterday afternoon and last night working out some strategies and whatnot.” She cleared her throat. “So, how’re things there?”
I turned back to the house. “Quietly insane. We just finished breakfast and I’m trying to chill before the preparations start. But everything seems to be going as it should, if Sabine’s lists are anything to go by.”
“Sounds great. I wish I were there,” she said quietly.
“Me too,” I responded before I could help myself. After a quick pause to collect my thoughts, I dove in. “Brooke, listen. I’ve been thinking, and getting my ass kicked by Sabs and Bec about my behavior. There has to be compromise here. And it’s me. I yield.”
“You…yield?”
“Yes. I know I’ve already said it, but honestly, I don’t think I was fully committed to leaving it alone.” I took a deep breath. “But I am now, I swear. I’m not going to push you about your relationship with your dad. I’m not going to niggle or nag about your job. I’m not going to pout if you’re driving more slowly than me to our relationship destination. I’m just going to support however you live your life, for as long as you’ll let me.”
“Why?” That one word came out so hoarsely it took me a moment to realize what it was. “I know you care about it.”
“Because me being stubborn about this isn’t good for us. Because I’m sticking on it for all the wrong reasons, selfish reasons that in the scheme of us don’t even matter. So, I’m surrendering.”
“Damn, I love it when you surrender,” she said huskily.
“Me too…” I swallowed hard. “What I’m saying is I’m with you, no matter what. I just want you to live the life that makes you comfortable and happy, and I want to be by your side while you do that. I love you.” I let out a long breath, feeling the tension ease along with it. That feeling of peace was all the confirmation I needed to know I’d made the right choice. “And my family will always be there for you too, if you need them, because I’m sure that they’ll love you too.”
“Jana Banana!” Mom
hollered from the back porch. “Where the heck are you?”
I moved the phone away from my mouth, and yelled back, “Right here!” as I waved at her from my very visible and obvious position. Then I raised the phone to my ear again. “Did you hear that?”
Brooke laughed. “I did.”
“Mmm, well based on that, whether you love my family back is questionable.”
“I’m absolutely certain I will,” she murmured. “Now go help your sister get married, and I’ll talk to you after.”
The rest of the morning was spent putting final touches on decorations and checking the lighting strung around the marquee and exterior of the house for later that evening. Once the hair and makeup crew arrived, Bec was installed in my childhood bedroom while Sabine stayed sequestered in hers. I was sent downstairs to be done at the kitchen table while I watched caterers carrying trays of deliciousness moving in and out of Mom’s kitchen. Unfair.
There was nothing from Brooke to let me know how her meeting had gone, and part of me wondered if she was somewhere, alone and upset about what had transpired and thinking I was uncontactable. I sent her a heart emoji text and left it at that. There was no response, and I had to set aside my worry about her to concentrate on the rest of my day. I could call Brooke later that evening to talk about her meeting. Right now, I had to help my sister get married.
Once I’d been made up, and my hair done in a fabulous half-up and half-down style with loose front bits and some complicated braid woven into it that I knew I’d never be able to replicate, I slipped into the bathroom to dress. When I checked on Sabs, she seemed excited but stable as Mitch and Mom helped her into her dress, so I left them alone and went to help Rebecca. Guests were arriving, and the sound of laughter and talking carried through the house.
Bec, in a silk robe, sat at my childhood dresser with her hands resting in her lap. She’d chosen to have her hair mostly down, and the stylist had pulled parts of it back to form a sort of half-crown, and the rest fell in loose curls down her back. Bec glanced up as I closed the door. “Wow. You look incredible.”
“Not as incredible as you’re going to look once I help you into that dress.”
She stood, her grin huge and infectious. “Let’s do it.”
Bec’s gown was a lacy off-the-shoulder sweetheart neckline with a short, lace-detailed tulle train and pearl buttons up her spine hiding the zip. The bodice hugged her curves and then fell away from her body in elegant lines. I’d just finished zipping her in when I heard Mom yelling, “Gerhardt! You’d better be getting into that suit right now!”
Bec and I caught each other’s glance and burst into laughter. I shook my head and gestured at the wall that divided the two bedrooms. “Sure you want to legally tie yourself to this insanity?”
“Never surer.”
A knock preceded Mitch’s question, “Y’all decent?”
I made a quick check. “Yes.”
“Jana, swapsies. Sabine needs you.” He lowered his voice. “And I need a goddamned drink. Did you happen to smuggle a hip flask, darlin’? This best man stuff is hella stressful.”
“Sorry, no hidden booze.” I reached up and unnecessarily brushed down the shoulders of his suit jacket before carefully straightening his tie and fluffing his pocket square. The same tie and pocket square that Brooke had chosen. The sudden surge of missing her was so strong that I had to pause before answering, “Where exactly did you think I’d put a hip flask?”
“Strap it to the inside of your thigh or shove it down that cleavage you’ve suddenly grown.”
I smiled sweetly and punched his pec. “It’s called a push-up bra, and thanks for the reminder about my rack, you ass.”
“You look amazin’ and you know it.”
“Yeah, I do, and I do.”
Bec chuckled. “That’s my line.”
“I’m glad you remember. And you look so damned beautiful I could cry. I’ll see you out there in a few minutes?”
Her smile was brilliant and full-dimpled. She paused for the briefest moment then pulled me in for a hug. Hair and makeup be damned. “Love you.”
“Love you too.”
I left Bec with Mitch and raced out the door, down the hall into Sabine’s room. She was already dressed and carefully slipping into her heels. My sister’s hair was up in a complex chignon, complete with a diamond hairpiece woven into the back and loose pieces tucked behind her ears. Her gown clung to her long lithe body, an ethereal mix of lace-cutout bodice and an airy chiffon skirt. A lace racerback partially covered the large, irregular scar next to her right shoulder blade.
Immediately I noticed a conspicuous motherly absence. “Where’s Mom?”
“Hovering around Dad.” She stared at her partially open window. “Sounds busy down there.”
“It does. I think we’re almost set.” I moved to stand behind her, staring at our reflections in the mirror. “Do you need help with something?”
“How’s Bec?”
“She’s fine, absolutely fucking gorgeous.” I narrowed my eyes at her. “Did you drag me in here just to give you an update when you’re about to see her?”
She shrugged and turned to face me. “Maybe.”
“Sneaky bitch.” Carefully, I hugged her then stepped back and smoothed her dress down. “I still can’t believe today is finally here. My big sister, getting almost-married.”
“I can’t believe it either. I’m so glad you’re here, Jannie.” Her eyes went wide. “There’s nobody else I would want to stand by my side. Seriously, every time I think about it I could cry.”
“Sabs, stop. You can-not do this, not now.” I raised my eyes to the ceiling, willing the brimming tears away.
“I can’t help it, I love you so much and my whole life whenever I’ve thought about getting married, you’ve always been right there standing beside me.”
Desperate to shift away from the sappiness before I totally lost my shit, I blurted, “Did you know bridesmaids were originally just decoy brides to confuse evil spirits so the bride wouldn’t be eaten by a demon on her wedding day. So that’s how much I love you. I’m willing to step in front of a demon for you.”
“And I’d step in front of a demon for you too.” Sabine reached down to grab my hands. As she spoke, she swung them side to side. “Do you remember when you stayed with me after The Incident?”
“Yes. Why are we talking about this now?”
“Because it’s important, Jana.”
“Okay.” Sure, fine, if she wanted to talk about those awful weeks of rehabilitation minutes before she was due to walk down the aisle then that was her choice.
“I know I was taking pain meds and some things were hazy, but I remember we were watching The Notebook and you were laughing that nothing was ever that perfect, and movies made us want unrealistic things.” Sabine’s eyes bored into mine.
I laughed. “Yeah, I remember that.”
“And what did I say?”
“You said movies reminded us of how things should be. How they could be.” I grinned. “And yeah, I thought that maybe you were taking too many pain pills.”
Sabine tossed her head back and laughed. “Maybe I was, but I was very poetic at the time.” She sobered, squeezing my hands firmly. “You asked me how I knew she was worth it. Worth the fear and all the issues trying to keep us apart. And what did I tell you?”
“You told me…you told me that the only time you felt whole was when she was with you.” I bit my lower lip, willing it not to tremble.
“Yes,” she said quietly. Her steady hands grasped my shoulders and held me tight. “Do you understand what I’m saying? Don’t be dumb and don’t wait until it’s too late. This is it. This is the moment where it all comes together, or where you let it fall apart.”
“Bec told you about our conversation last night, didn’t she.”
“She did.”
“I called Brooke this morning,” I offered. “And told her I didn’t care if she never tells her dad about me. I just w
ant her to be happy and I just want to be with her, whenever she’s ready.”
“Did you mean it, or were you just saying it?” This was so Sabine to try and fix my problems when she should be focusing on herself.
“I meant it. I love her, and like I told Brooke my family is big enough for her too.”
“Clever Jana. Look at you, acting like a grown up in a relationship. Only took how many years?” She smirked then instinctively stepped back.
I didn’t aim a kick or a punch or flick at her. What I did do was launch myself at her, hugging her tightly but carefully because, you know—hair and makeup and delicate dresses and stuff. “I love you so much.”
“Love you too,” she whispered against my ear.
Dad’s voice came from somewhere on the landing, his voice tight with emotion. “Sabine? Rebecca? Are you ready? All the guests are seated, and everything is ready to start whenever you are.”
I inhaled deeply. “Are you ready to go?”
Sabine took my hand. “Absolutely.”
“Right, then let’s do it.”
Sabs and I left her room hand in hand, and on our way past my bedroom door, I knocked. “Bec? It’s time.”
“Coming,” she called. A few seconds later, Mitch emerged, his tall muscular form blocking the doorway. He was on the verge of crying and as he stepped to the side to let Bec out, I passed him one of the tissues I had hidden in my bra.
“Thanks,” he muttered. After a pause he added, “So that’s what’s pushing them up?”
“Screw you,” I laughed.
“You going to get through this, Mitch?” Sabine deadpanned. “Do you need a Valium? Shot of tequila?”
“Both. Y’all just look so goddamned beautiful and I love you so much.”
Bec stepped out of my room, spotted Sabine, and they reacted at pretty much the same moment and in pretty much the same way.
Sabine’s mouth worked open and closed like a fish tossed onto land. “Ohmygod.”
Bec’s eyes went wide as she reached for my sister. “Darling…”
Sabs rushed forward, and I inserted myself between them, arms out to keep them apart. “No kissing. Not yet.”
