The Meaning of Birds

by Jaye Robin Brown

  When I take North Carolina out of the equation, a few other things pop up, including a school in Carbondale, Illinois, that offers a fine arts degree in blacksmithing. A strange feeling comes over me and I pause. I’m not supposed to feel excitement. But there it is. My finger hovers over the trackpad, suspended between stepping forward and holding back. I don’t know why I can’t just press the link but something stops me. It’s knowing I’ll be moving ahead while Vivi stays suspended in time. It’s my changing course and moving to unknown terrain without her knowing. If ghosts are real, and I’m gone from here, could she find me?

  I shut the computer lid. I’m not ready to risk it.

  Instead I take a different risk.

  “Hello.” Cheyanne’s voice is laced with caution.

  “Hey,” I say. She’s quiet. I plow on. “Did you get my text?”

  “Yes.”

  She’s not going to make this easy on me and honestly, I don’t blame her. I was an ass, even if my grief made me do it. I take a deep breath. “Cheyanne, I’m sorry, okay? I know you were only trying to help. It’s just been really hard and I haven’t handled it well.”

  “Understatement much?”

  At least she’s talking.

  “I know.” I flick a laser light beam across the bedroom floor. Emma Watson doesn’t budge from where she’s sprawled on top of my clean clothes laundry basket. “I was hoping I could make it up to you. I’ve been invited to an amazing Halloween party tomorrow night. You could come.”

  “Oh, I could?”

  Sarcasm spills into my ear.

  “Please come?”

  She’s quiet again. Finally, when I’m about to beg, she speaks. “I’ll see if I can make it. I have to take my brothers trick-or-treating. What’s the address?”

  I sit up and quick shuffle the scraps of paper on my bedside table and find Greer and Eliza’s street number and give it to her. “I’ll be there around seven . . . as a Minion.”

  She’s laughing as she hangs up.

  I’ll take it as a good sign.

  35

  Now: Four Weeks, Four Days After

  I come out of the bathroom, slipping on my Snuggie over my school clothes, when I bump into Deuces. I was worried he’d be mad about Sahara, but he was totally cool. Apparently, she’d had a good time after I left and met someone else to be her LGBTQ guru.

  Deuces takes one look at me and starts laughing. “Girl, what the hell is that?”

  “My Halloween costume.”

  The only acknowledgment McGovern made about the holiday was pulling out a special Chuck Norris poster that he hung on the front board. “Chuck Norris got all of your candy.” Pretty sure he made that one himself.

  “You going to Chuck E. Cheese or something?”

  I’d like to invite him to Greer’s party, but I figure if Greer had wanted anybody else from school to be there, she’d have done the inviting herself. Besides, there was the chance Chey would show up and Greer hadn’t told me to invite a posse.

  “Something. It will involve little kids.”

  “Good thing. Otherwise you’d look like a damn fool.”

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence.” Hopefully the people who show up to Greer and Eliza’s won’t be as judgmental.

  He high-fives me as I walk by and head out to the car where my mom’s waiting to give me a ride.

  “You look cute,” she says.

  “Tell that to him.” I point out the window where Deuces is getting on the bus. His ankle monitor doesn’t go unnoticed by Mom.

  “I hate that you’re here, Jess. I hope the fighting is done now.”

  “It is, Mom. But here’s not so bad.” As I say it, I realize it’s a thought that’s been tickling the sides of my brain. It’s only another week before I’m released back to main campus. Which means no more Cabinetworks. And even though I’m working for Greer on the side, it still bums me out to think I’m going to lose my hands-on afternoons and chilling with the guys in alternative school. Would it be so bad to stay here until I graduate? It’s not like I loved much about Grady High other than Vivi, Cheyanne, and Levi. Maybe I could do online classes next semester like some of the guys do.

  Mom interrupts my reverie. “It’s not great, Jess. This is not the place to be if you want to get into State.” She glances my way. “The deadline’s coming up, isn’t it? Two weeks?”

  I wish everyone could leave me alone about it. State was Vivi’s dream, then she made it ours. In all my thoughts, I’d imagined myself there with her. I’d picture her walking across campus to meet me for a meal, her smile lighting up her eyes when she saw me. Never, not even once, did I picture myself on that campus, in those classrooms, without Vivi nearby.

  “I know.” I work hard to keep the irritation out of my voice. “The guidance counselor stopped by yesterday to see me. She’s going to help me with the application.”

  “Won’t I have to do the FAFSA form? I know you’re eligible for benefits through the VA, but it wouldn’t hurt for us to be prepared. Pretty sure my salary is low enough still for us to qualify for some help if we need it.”

  “Yeah, sure. I’ll get you the link.” There’s no harm done in her filling it out. Even if no other application ever gets filled out or submitted.

  We drive across town to the VA building. Mom tells me to take a cab service to the party and she or Nina will come pick me up at ten.

  “Ten?” I start to give her grief, but she silences me with a swipe across her lips.

  “It may be Halloween but it’s still a school night.”

  “Fine.”

  Inside Mr. A is waiting for me. He’s wearing a firefighter’s jacket and hat.

  “Nice costume,” I say.

  “I’m glad you keep coming back, Jess. The kids seem to really connect with you.”

  I don’t answer but it does make me feel good. It’s not so long ago that I was just like them, squirming on plastic chairs or beanbags, trying to make sense of a life with my father gone. Just like I am now, without Vivi. I dig in my pocket and find Darla’s rock that she’d let me keep again last week. “Here.”

  He shakes his head. “Give it to her yourself.”

  The kids arrive one by one. There’s a cat, a Spider-Man, two Supermans, one fisherman, a few other random costume jumbles, and Darla dressed up like a soldier. After we do a quick fashion show, we sit in the circle like last session. This time we’re sharing favorite Halloween memories, or favorite candy, or favorite fandoms of those we’ve loved and lost. It’s much like last time, except this time there’s no one new to the group. And this time when the circle gets to me, I share two memories.

  It takes a little digging to bring the first one into focus, but when I pull it up I’m smiling. “In first grade, my sister, who was in fourth grade, wanted us both to dress up as this singer, Selena. Our cousins in Texas had introduced her to the movie and she was completely obsessed with the story. But I didn’t want to be Selena, because I never really liked wearing girlie clothes.” Darla sits up straighter in her chair next to me. “I wanted to go as Mater from Cars.” I laugh. “My sister was so mad at me. She said I was a girl and it was stupid to want to go as a boy tow truck and my costume would look dirty. My dad, he stepped in. He put a hand on her shoulder and suggested she go as Selena if it was so important to her but if I wanted to be Tow Mater, then Tow Mater I would be.” I glance at the ceiling and a wash of warmth floods me. We may not have had enough time, but when I think of him now it’s these beautiful snippets of life. I realize maybe I’ll get there with Vivi one day. So I keep going.

  “The other person I lost, my girlfriend, she wasn’t in the military like the rest of our lost loved ones, but she was very special to me. It’s still pretty new. And it still hurts pretty bad.” My voice cracks and I squeeze the rock in my palm. Darla edges her chair a little closer to me. She raises her hand.

  Mr. A nods and she asks, “What was your favorite thing about her?”

  I smile as I wipe away t
he tears forming in my lower lids. “Her smile. Her infectious love of life. Her obsession with birds. The way she believed in me.”

  Another boy raises his hand. “What do you think she would have gone as for Halloween this year?”

  I know the answer. “Fawkes. The phoenix from Harry Potter. I was going to go as Dumbledore.”

  “But you’re a Minion?” someone else said.

  “Too sad to go with the old plans,” I answered. At this, all the little kids kind of nod and squirm.

  “What should we say to Jess? She really opened up to us,” Mr. A addresses the group.

  “You are loved,” they say and then I’m engulfed in hugs as they swarm me. I don’t bother to stop my tears, but in short order tears turn to laughter as the littles pile on top of me in more of a wrestling heap than a hug. When we return to our chairs, Darla takes my hand and her rock is cradled in our joined palms. It feels like a step in some kind of direction. Which way I’m not sure, but my heart, for just a moment, feels full.

  36

  Now: Four Weeks, Four Days After (Night)

  The driver has to creep down Greer and Eliza’s street. There are still trick-or-treaters out en masse, and loads of cars parked along the curb. Even from here I can see the insanity that is their front yard. Gauzy cobwebs strung from all the trees, huge black spiders caught in the film, the house festooned with indigo and orange lights that don’t blink so much as pulse. I have the guy pull over and tell him I’ll walk the rest of the way.

  It’s obvious their house is popular with the kids because tons of them spill up and down the steps and they’re talking about it as they pass me on the sidewalk.

  “That dragon was rad.”

  “I heard one of those ladies is a witch.”

  “They gave us full-sized candy bars!”

  The last comment lets me know just how into Halloween Greer and Eliza really are, like Vivi and her over-the-top costuming needs, and wham . . . the warm heart feeling is replaced by the jackknife of loss. Grief fucking sucks. Sorry, Vivi. Forking. I gather myself in and breathe deep. I check my phone to see if Cheyanne has texted to let me know if she’s definite or not. Nothing. I turn around to see if my driver’s still close by but he’s long gone. Looks like I’m in this thing. Alone.

  I push open the metal gate at the front of their sidewalk. It’s new, obviously Greer’s creation, and ridiculously awesome. It’s all bones and skeleton heads and even a “Keep Out” sign incorporated into the metal design. I need to remember to tell her she should totally make some of these to sell.

  I shoulder in with some trick-or-treaters and make my way up the front steps, ready for the full #GreerLiza experience. A kid dressed like an EMT knocks on the door. There’s a blast of fog, the sound of trumpets and creaking doors, and then the door opens revealing Eliza in a skintight red bodysuit covered with orange sequined scales, thigh-high studded boots, and a pair of massive outspread wings attached to her back. She has a wig on that makes her hair look like a geisha and it’s stabbed through with a zillion decorative chopsticks. I hope Cheyanne shows up if for nothing more than to see Eliza’s costume. She will die.

  The kids gasp and the dragon smiles. I guess even though Eliza’s costume is fierce, it’s better not to scare the pants off your neighbor’s children. Behind her, Greer’s done up like a circus ringmaster, and costumed people mill in their small living room.

  “Jess.” Eliza spots me and when the kids pass, their candy bars safely in bags and plastic pumpkins, she gives me a quick hug. “So glad you’re here.” She turns back for the next group of trick-or-treaters and I slip past her wings into the house.

  “Jess!” Greer holds her arms wide and bows, flourishing her hat as she does. “We need a Minion for our circus.”

  My face goes hot under the warmth of the Snuggie. Vivi would never have let me get away with this level of Halloween lame. But I squeak out a thanks all the same.

  “Come on, I’ll introduce you to some folks.” Greer drapes an arm over my shoulders and leads me through clusters of people, saying names as I take in details. Their friends are as eclectic as they are. Straight, gay, with kids, without, black, white, Hispanic, and Asian. But the unifying factor is the costumes. Everyone’s spot-on amazing.

  We wind up in the kitchen, where Greer points me to the under-twenty-one beverages. “Came solo? I hope we’re not too boring for you.”

  “Are you kidding? I’ll have fun just watching how people dressed.” Right about then my phone buzzes. I glance down.

  —We’re out front. Is this rad house where we’re supposed to be?

  I flash my phone at Greer. “Not sure who the ‘we’re’ is, but I did invite my friend, Cheyanne.”

  “Well, invite her in.”

  —Yes. There’s a dragon named Eliza at the front door. Who’s we’re?

  There’s no answering text as I hear Eliza saying, “Come in, she’s back there somewhere.”

  At the front door, I see Cheyanne, dressed like Levi. And Levi, dressed like a girl. That’s the “we’re.” Cheyanne invited Levi? My stomach drops. Did he tell her about what happened? I imagine Levi having this moment of fantasy where he thinks he can finally get over Cheyanne now that we’ve locked lips, and turning to her as a friend for advice. As Greer slips away to greet other guests coming in from the back door, I sneak a splash of the vodka on the counter into my fruit punch, for fortification.

  “You came.”

  Cheyanne looks at me through narrowed eyes and I know, in that moment, Levi has told her everything. “I called Levi for a ride because my car’s in the shop and he was super excited to get dressed up and come out and find you. Isn’t he pretty?”

  Cheyanne should be the one dressed as a dragon because there are flames shooting from her nostrils. She may be here, but she’s definitely still pissed. I gulp the fruit punch. I look at Levi. His eyes are amazing with makeup, I’ll give her that, but just because he’s dressed like a girl, doesn’t mean I want to kiss him again.

  “Hey.” A tattooed girl interrupts our conversation. She’s young but not as young as us and she’s totally checking dude-drag Cheyanne out.

  Cheyanne barely turns in the girl’s direction, her eyes are so intently boring into mine. “Hey,” she answers but it’s dismissive and the girl walks away.

  “She was checking you out,” I say to break up the tension.

  “Good for her. I’m superhot tonight. Doesn’t mean I want to do anything about it.”

  “Are you going to be pissed at me forever?”

  Before she answers, Levi sidles up closer and props his arm on my shoulders. “Whatcha drinking?”

  “Fruit punch.” I nod to the counter. “It’s over there.”

  “Southern fruit punch?” he asks.

  “I made it that way, but don’t be obvious. Greer’s my boss and I’m pretty sure she realizes you’re still in high school, too.” Cheyanne’s stare hasn’t eased and I’m breaking down waiting on her answer.

  Finally, Levi walks away and she hisses, “I’m more pissed than before. I canNOT fucking believe you. You kissed him? You know what he’s like. At least with me, I never gave him a physical reason to get his hopes up.”

  “Cut me some slack. It was a mistake after a really weird night. It just kind of happened. It didn’t mean anything. It was a nothing. He knows that.”

  She throws up her hands from where they’ve been crossed. “Listen to yourself, a nothing? What kind of toxic friend are you? Between the crap you said to me and now kissing Levi right after Vivi died? Your grief card’s running out. We are here, Jess. We want to support you. We are your friends. But we have limits, and in case you’ve forgotten, it sucks for us, too.”

  Levi returns with two cups and holds one out for Cheyanne as he moves back in next to my side.

  Cheyanne sips her drink and rolls her eyes like I’m lower than the sole on her shoe, but she doesn’t say anything else with him here.

  “Um, do y’all want to go out back
and see where I work?” Anything to avoid Chey’s scorn.

  “Yeah.” Levi smiles all the way into the corners of his eyes when he looks at me.

  Hot fudge sundae, have I screwed up. I thought he got it. I thought when we walked away from the railroad bridge that I had made it pretty clear, except then he shut me up, but I’ve avoided him ever since. Shouldn’t he have gotten it?

  I drain my cup as we walk down the steps. Rufus ambles over, wagging his tail. He’s wearing a tuxedo shirt. “Hey, buddy.” I ruffle his ears, assiduously avoiding conversation with Cheyanne or Levi as I lead them across to the forge.

  “So, um, this is Greer’s studio.” I fling my arm out with a flourish and practically wipe out Cheyanne’s cup. She hop steps sideways and bumps me into Levi, who uses the moment to drape his arm over me again. I wiggle out from under it and keep pointing out equipment and Greer’s work.

  Cheyanne’s glare softens, but only slightly. “You’re making art again?”

  At this I stiffen. “No.”

  “You should be,” she says. “It’d be way healthier than whatever else you’ve been doing to occupy your time.”

  “Like hanging out with me?” Levi flips the wig hair over his shoulder.

  There’s another eye roll. “You said it, not me.” Then, “Levi, could you refill my drink, please?” Cheyanne hands him her cup. “Just plain is fine.”

  When he walks off with all three cups she lays into me again. “You know how he is, Jess. He’s sweet and good and he deserves a girlfriend who’s going to really love him. Not me, and certainly not you. You’re being selfish because you’re sad and bored and he’s easy to take advantage of. The minute you find some girl you’re into, you won’t have the time of day for him. Believe me, I remember.”