A Greek Affair

by Linn B. Halton

  He looks abashed. ‘I know, sorry, but I was wide awake and you looked so … inviting lying there next to me. Your response was instant, though, so I don’t feel too guilty about it.’

  A sudden flashback of skin on skin and Daniel working his way down my body with his mouth has me swinging my legs over the side of the bed. I’m conscious that he has a coach to catch and we need to be out of the house before Rosie arrives home. The desire beginning to stir inside of me once again is hard to resist, I will admit.

  ‘And there’s nothing wrong with being looked after; it’s what I do when I care about someone,’ I call over my shoulder on my way to the bathroom.

  He doesn’t answer and as soon as I’m out of the shower we pass in the doorway.

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll drive you to the pick-up point. You have forty-five minutes to get ready. I’ll throw on some clothes and whip up something for breakfast.’

  He stops to plant a quick kiss on my cheek and within minutes he’s in the shower, singing some obscure line from a song I’ve never heard before.

  Over scrambled eggs and toast he asks me about the forest and Rosie’s school. I realise he’s trying to get a feel for our lives here.

  ‘Life is tranquil and true foresters are born and bred here. Those who opt to move to the area come for a reason and that’s usually to escape busy city life.’

  Daniel nods in between shovelling forkfuls of food, one eye on the clock.

  And then, all too soon, it’s time for him to leave. We make our way out to the car with some reluctance. I know we have an uphill struggle ahead of us. When our eyes meet and lock, Daniel looks weary, unable to sustain that false sense of light-heartedness. He doesn’t speak until we’re cruising along on the motorway, trying to avoid the depressing air of inevitability about facing yet another goodbye.

  ‘The trouble with life is that we can’t take anything for granted: ever. I had a sharp reminder of that and it has changed the way I look at things, Leah. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that. It’s not that I’m overly cautious, it’s more that I look at things in a more practical way now. I’ve said this before; I’m not the easiest of options and when everything I’ve told you sinks in, I’ll understand if you change your mind about me. Even if it’s only for Rosie’s sake. We have to be careful what we inflict on our girls.’

  My face falls, saddened that his thoughts are so troubled and doubting.

  ‘The glass is half-full, even when it’s half-empty, Daniel. Life can only be lived one day at a time but it’s about making sure each one really matters. That’s the only way to live a fulfilling life. Enjoy the moment as best you can and when you look back it amounts to a lifetime of wonderful memories. Even the bad things that happen can lead to good if we learn and grow from the experience. We’ve both been through a lot of bad things so we’re going to enjoy the good times when they finally get here. Surely it’s important to show our daughters that you can’t live in fear of what might never happen?’

  He glances at me, apologetically.

  ‘Ignore me, I’m missing you before I’ve even stepped on the plane. I’m really looking forward to going back to York now and I’ll merely be wishing away the days until I fly back for good. I’m not used to feeling like that. The thought of having someone – you – in my life is something I couldn’t … well, didn’t dream would happen.’

  Before we know it we’re standing in front of the coach and my eyes suddenly fill with tears.

  ‘Please take care of yourself, Daniel. No more skipping meals, that’s an order. And text me when you arrive back at the villa.’

  His arms cradle around me and he rests his chin on my head.

  ‘Stop worrying,’ he whispers. ‘I’ll be in touch, I promise. Now go and get ready for Rosie’s return and act as if nothing has happened. We’ll figure out where we go from here. I just couldn’t leave things as they were and it was well worth the journey.’

  I pull away to look up at him and grab one final, lingering kiss.

  ‘I simply wish you were staying longer. I don’t want to let you go so soon, again.’

  ‘Hopefully it won’t be like this for ever, Leah. Hold onto that thought. I’ll work on getting my head around a future I couldn’t even contemplate before you breezed into my life, because I’m not quite there yet.’

  I wave until the blue blur of the coach is out of view. My eyes are veiled with tears and somehow I have to pick myself up and get ready to greet Mum, Dad and Rosie. I’m not even sure where I stand, now – it all happened so fast. What did Daniel mean when he said, ‘I’m not quite there yet?’ Was he referring to his feelings for me, or the fact that his spell in Athens isn’t finished? Or maybe his hangups because I feel he’s almost punishing himself in a way for something that could happen to anyone. When I arrive home and type heart conditions into Google there are so many different possibilities that my head starts reeling. Why wasn’t he more specific? He flew all this way to put my mind to rest and all he’s actually done is made things worse, much worse.

  The Aftermath

  What a stressful couple of days it’s been. Ironically, when life threatens to swamp me, the only way I can cope is to switch off and focus on something else. Something productive, that will at least make me feel like I’m getting somewhere and not drowning in negative thoughts. I managed to get a huge amount of work done and even put in a couple of hours in between watching films with Rosie on Sunday. It should have given me a boost all round after Daniel’s visit, but instead, because of that, everything suddenly felt very flat. Rosie was a little tired and subdued; I kept telling myself that it was only to be expected after all the excitement.

  Yesterday I had to rush the photoshoot so I could make it back in time for the session with Jackie Kimberley. Today I feel drained but I need to sort out everything that’s going around and around inside my head.

  When I open the door to see Harrison standing there, I literally throw myself at him.

  ‘Hey, what’s all this?’

  He gives me a bear hug, almost lifting me off my feet to help me back inside. I swipe my arm across my eyes, scattering a couple of tears I was trying so bravely to hold back.

  ‘I need some fresh air. Do you mind if we head straight out?’

  Harrison is looking very casual in designer jeans and T-shirt. He looks back at me, one eyebrow lifted.

  ‘Guess yesterday was rather heavy then. Come on, let’s try and walk some of that stress out of you, lovely lady, before those frown lines get any deeper.’

  Raising a half-hearted laugh to try to lighten the mood, I grab my keys and throw a jumper around my shoulders.

  ‘Do we need walking sticks, or anything, to fend off the animals?’

  Checking to see whether he’s joking or not, I can’t tell as his expression is a serious one.

  ‘Aside from the wild boar, who will probably be asleep after their nighttime foraging, it’s likely that pretty much everything else will be running away from us.’

  ‘That’s a relief,’ he says, holding the front door open for me as we head out.

  ‘How was your dinner the other night?’ I’m not ready to talk about my problems yet and I do want to get a feel for how Harrison is dealing with his own dilemma.

  ‘It should have been easy, really, just a nice relaxing dinner, but Ollie is rapidly losing confidence in me. It showed and the conversation was a little strained at times. We get on well with Jessica and Paul, who are Ollie’s work colleagues as well as friends. But they obviously don’t know about the turmoil surrounding my personal situation. We headed home immediately dinner was over on the pretext that I had to get up really early the next day.’

  We’ve reached the end of the cul-de-sac and take the footpath that leads up a gentle slope behind a row of houses. From here on, for miles it’s dense forest and I have no idea how long it would take to walk in a straight line before it was possible to catch sight of a house, or a road.

  ‘You really do live in the m
iddle of the forest, don’t you? This is quite something to have on your doorstep. We won’t get lost, will we – I mean, if you lose your bearings?’

  I forget that people who live in a city can’t always easily find a large expanse of green space where they can step away from the chaos of life for a short while. It’s something I take for granted but I understand Harrison’s concern. It might look like we’re just wandering around but the ground beneath our feet tells us everything we need to know.

  ‘We’re following a well-worn trail; you can see over there the path goes off in two different directions but we’re keeping to the left-hand side of the fork. It’s a forty-five-minute walk, the way I’m going to take us, but we could wander for hours with only the birds and the occasional hiker crossing our path. Don’t worry; I promise we won’t get lost. Anyway, how is Ollie coping with the situation?’

  We sidestep a large muddy patch in the middle of the well-trodden dirt path and then Harrison falls in alongside me once more.

  ‘He’s getting impatient and doubting my intentions. It’s just as big a deal for him as it is for me but he seems to take it in his stride. I envy him that. I’ve asked him to hold back on any announcements until I’ve told my parents. There are still only a handful of people who know we’re together officially. Ollie had wanted to begin making plans to move in together, but he’s even stopped talking about that now. In fact, things between us are a little tense, to say the least.’

  I shake my head, wondering how Harrison would cope if Ollie suddenly decided to walk away from him. Every passing day probably increases the chances of them reaching that point of no return.

  ‘I know I said you needed to relax a little and the right opportunity would come along, but it’s too easy to convince yourself that the right time never seems to present itself. Don’t you think your parents would see this as a significant event in your life? One that should be a priority over most of the day to day stuff? If someone interrupts, tell them you’re discussing something important and ask them to come back later.’

  I look sideways at him and if I’m not mistaken there’s a hint of guilt on his face when he turns towards me.

  ‘Ollie has virtually said the exact same thing. It’s just that everything will change instantly, and while some of it is predictable, there’s a lot that isn’t. What if afterwards I end up having regrets about coming out?’

  My eyebrows shoot up under my fringe and I can’t hide a look of confusion. I thought Harrison was way beyond the point at which having second thoughts was even an option for him. He’d seemed genuinely committed to Ollie and now he’s doubting his feelings for him?

  ‘Regrets? I thought Ollie was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?’

  Harrison looks uncomfortable, scuffing the toe of his expensive trainers on the small mound of gravelly soil beneath his foot.

  ‘He is and I do. But what if other relationships stop working? I mean, I love my parents too.’

  ‘Harrison, you can’t control everyone else’s reactions so you have to be true to yourself and carve out the future that will make you the happiest. If people turn their backs on you – yes, even your parents – it will be very hard, but that’s their choice. There is nothing at all you can do about that. So why let it stop you from moving forward with your own life? Unless you have doubts you are doing the right thing in being with Ollie in the first place.’

  We walk on in total silence while my words sink in.

  ‘I don’t have a single doubt about Ollie, Leah, and you were totally right the other day when you said I was being a wimp. I’ll sit down with my parents at the weekend and get it done. I’ll tell Ollie that, too, so I can’t back out this time.’

  Our pace is leisurely and we both seem content to saunter along enjoying the peaceful setting. The sound of the overhead canopy of leaves rustling is broken only by birds singing, or fluttering wings as they move amongst the trees. A squirrel darts out, then turns tail and disappears into the dense undergrowth of ferns.

  ‘One down, one to go.’ Harrison’s words break the stillness and I swallow hard.

  ‘It’s my turn to admit that I’m in such a mess right now.’

  It takes me a few minutes to think about where to begin and I start by telling him all about Athens, Daniel and Bella.

  ‘Wow, talk about leaving things on a cliffhanger. It sounds like it wasn’t purely one-sided to me, though. To spend that much time together you obviously got on extremely well. It wasn’t only about the kids, believe me. If he hadn’t enjoyed your company equally as much he would have found other things to do with his daughter. And you say he lectures at the university of York? That’s quite a trek from here.’

  I hadn’t even given that any serious thought. It was sort of eclipsed by everything else.

  ‘When I said we didn’t even get to say goodbye that was true at the time but it’s not true now.’

  Harrison’s jaw drops when I tell him about my concerns after sleeping with Daniel; and my fears for what he chose not to tell me. He looks a little shocked. But when I then go on to talk about Daniel’s impromptu visit on Saturday night it stops him in his tracks.

  Thankfully, we’re on the last leg of the walk and home is in sight.

  ‘Why on earth did you feel you had to wait for him to tackle the subject of that scar, first? You should have asked him outright the night you slept together. And now it sounds like you’re still no better off, Leah. After everything you’ve been through, it’s bound to be difficult for you to find the courage to put your emotions on the line again.’

  I unlock the door, unable to come up with an excuse that doesn’t sound lame for either my less than proactive part in this, or Daniel’s less than open behaviour.

  ‘This shouldn’t be solely about being afraid of getting hurt again, but about understanding what you are getting yourself into. From what you’ve told me the two of you certainly had no problem letting down your guard in front of each other; and getting physical on both occasions. So why isn’t he being honest with you about whatever’s wrong with him? Unless he doesn’t have long to live.’ His gaze doesn’t falter and I nod, my bottom lip wavering slightly as I fight off tears.

  Harrison steers me by the shoulders into the kitchen and sits me down at the small table.

  ‘I think you’re in shock, lady. Tea, or coffee?’

  ‘Coffee, please.’ My voice is reduced to a mere whisper.

  ‘This session you had yesterday with your counsellor. Are you going to share anything about that with me and did you talk to her about this new development?’

  He clatters around while we wait for the kettle to boil and makes so much noise that I’m unable to answer his question. When he takes the seat opposite me I stare down at the coffee mugs between us for a moment or two while I gather my thoughts.

  ‘I told her a part of it, but not everything. When I downloaded the photographs which I took while we were in Athens, I was horrified. I have half a dozen usable ones at most. I have maybe fifty of front doors of all shapes, sizes, styles, age and in various states from pristine, to rotten and falling apart. The other hundred plus seem to have Rosie, Bella and Daniel, or just Daniel, in all of them and they are virtually unusable. They look like holiday snaps and not photos taken by a professional.’

  Harrison has been stirring his coffee the entire time and he looks at me with his mouth open.

  ‘What are you going to do? That’s a disaster for you, isn’t it?’

  ‘I discussed it with Jackie, after telling her my whole story pre-Daniel and I mean everything. She specialises in bereavement counselling, but also handles post-traumatic stress and surviving life-changing traumas. I was there for an hour and a half. She suggested that the doors were symbolic and maybe it was about this inner yearning to start all over again. Reassurance that it’s never too late, no matter what’s gone before. And as for the other photos, well, she pointed out that they all looked like normal family photos. But we wer
en’t one unit, we were simply two parents trying to ensure our kids had a good time. It was a sort of false normality, really. How sad is that? I didn’t mention that Daniel and I had jumped into bed together. I didn’t want her to think I was a bad mother, or anything. And as for Saturday night, well, I’m still trying to get my head around that. Daniel texted me when he arrived home because I asked him to and it simply said “I’m here and it’s not the same without you” – nothing more.’

  Harrison extends his hand across the table to pat my arm.

  ‘Hey, you’re a wonderful mum and you didn’t palm Rosie off on someone just so you could sleep with him. The two of you found yourselves alone together; two lonely people with a heck of a lot of chemistry going on; it happens. Anyway, the sessions will help you work through all of this if you’re honest with her and it could significantly alter the way you look at things. But you said you told Jackie everything, so what exactly did you mean by that if you skirted over the Daniel issue?’

  My eyes are beginning to glisten but I refuse to cry. I swallow hard, forcing back the lump which now seems firmly lodged in my throat.

  ‘There’s one more thing I haven’t told you yet about what happened seven years ago.’

  His expression changes as he hangs on my every word.

  ‘The day I lost my sister I felt that a part of me had been ripped out. I was so full of my own pain that I wasn’t much use to anyone. I didn’t stop to think about how my parents were dealing with it.

  ‘Suddenly one daughter disappears, the other one falls apart and there’s a toddler to be looked after. Three days later, shortly after I’d found out the bank was about to repossess the house, my dad had a massive heart attack. He spent nearly a month in hospital. Six months later he was still off work and the moment he’d been dreading had arrived. The HR department contacted him with an offer of taking early retirement. Dad loved his job, it was important to him but his recovery was so slow and he couldn’t drive; he really had no choice in the matter.

  ‘He’s a lot better now but his life still hasn’t returned to normal. He potters around trying not to get under Mum’s feet and is a taxi service for Rosie when I’m not around. I feel that what happened stole his life out from under him in more ways than one. And poor Mum, we haven’t even mentioned Kelly’s name since that fateful day. But she didn’t die; she’s still out there, living her life somewhere, without us.’