The Last Letter From Your Lover

by Jojo Moyes

  And me? I knew in the moment you looked up at me that if we did this I would be lost. I would not be able to put you aside, as I had with the others. I would not be able to nod agreeably to Laurence as we passed each other in some restaurant. I would never be satisfied with just a part of you. I had been fooling myself to think otherwise.

  It was for that reason, darling girl, that I redid that wretched button at your neck. And for that reason I have lain awake for the last two nights, hating myself for the one decent thing I have ever done.

  Forgive me.

  B.

  He folded it carefully into his breast pocket, and then, at last, he slept.

  Don stubbed out his cigarette and studied the typewritten sheet while the young man standing awkwardly to the side of his desk shifted from one foot to the other. "You can't spell bigamy. It's an a, not an o." He swiped his pencil belligerently across three lines. "And this intro's terrible. You've got a man who married three women called Hilda, all within two miles of each other. That's a gift of a story. The way you've written it I'd rather be reading Hansard on municipal drainage."

  "Sorry, Mr. Franklin."

  "Bugger sorry. Get it right. This was for an early page, and it's already twenty to four. What the hell is the matter with you? 'Bigomy'! You want to take a lesson from O'Hare here. He spends so much time in Africa that we can't tell whether the bloody spellings are right or wrong anyway." He threw the sheet of paper at the young man, who scrabbled for it and left the office quickly.

  "So," Don tutted, "where's my bloody feature, then? 'Riviera Secrets of the Rich and Famous?' "

  "It's coming," Anthony lied.

  "You'd better make it quick. I've got half a page put by for it on Saturday. Did you have a good time?"

  "It was fine."

  Don tilted his head. "Yeah. Looks like it. So. Anyway. I've got good news."

  The windows of Don's office were so covered with nicotine that anyone who brushed innocently against them would find their shirtsleeves stained yellow. Anthony stared out through the golden fug at the newsroom. For two days now he had walked around with the letter in his pocket, trying to work out how he could get it to her. He kept seeing her face, the flush of horror as she realized what she thought had been her mistake.

  "Tony?"

  "Yes."

  "I've got good news for you."

  "Right. Yes."

  "I've been talking to the foreign desk, and they want someone to go to Baghdad. Take a look at this man from the Polish embassy who's claiming to be some sort of super-spy. Hard news, son. Right up your street. It'll get you out of the office for a week or two."

  "I can't go now."

  "You need a day or two?"

  "I've got some personal business to sort out."

  "Shall I tell the Algerians to hold off on the ceasefire too? Just in case it gets in the way of your domestic arrangements? Are you kidding me, O'Hare?"

  "Then send someone else. I'm sorry, Don."

  Don's metronomic clicking of his ballpoint pen became increasingly uneven. "I don't understand. You spend all your time hanging around the office bitching that you need to be off doing 'real' news, so I give you a story that Peterson would gnaw his right arm off for, and all of a sudden you want to be deskbound."

  "Like I said, I'm sorry."

  Don's mouth fell open. He closed it, stood up heavily, made his way across the office, and closed the door. Then he came back to his seat. "Tony, this is a good story. You should be all over it like a bad suit. More than that, you need this story. You need to show them they can rely on you." He peered at him. "You lost your appetite? You telling me you want to stick with the soft stuff?"

  "No. I'm just . . . Just give me a day or two."

  Don sat back, lit a cigarette, and inhaled noisily. "Good God," he said. "It's a woman."

  Anthony said nothing.

  "It is. You met a woman. What's the matter? You can't go anywhere until you've cracked her?"

  "She's married."

  "Since when did that stop you?"

  "She's . . . It's the wife. Stirling's wife."

  "And?"

  "And she's too good."

  "For him? Don't tell me."

  "For me. I don't know what to do."

  Don raised his eyes to the ceiling.

  "An attack of conscience, eh? I wondered why you looked so bloody awful." He shook his head, spoke as if someone else was in the little room. "I don't believe it. O'Hare, of all people." He placed his pen on his desk with a chubby hand. "Okay. Here's what you're going to do. Go and see her, do what you have to do, get it out of your system. Then be on the flight that leaves tomorrow lunchtime. I'll tell the desk you left this evening. How does that sound? And write me some bloody decent stories."

  " 'Get it out of your system'? You old romantic."

  "You got a prettier phrase?"

  Anthony felt the letter in his pocket. "I owe you one," he said.

  "You owe me eighty-three," Don grumbled.

  It had not been hard to find Stirling's address. He had scanned the office copy of Who's Who, and there it was, at the bottom of his entry, underneath "m: Jennifer Louisa Verrinder, b. 1934." That evening, after work, he had driven to Fitzrovia and parked in the square a few doors up from the white-stuccoed house.

  A Nash-style Regency villa, with pillars that flanked the front porch, it had the air of an expensive consultant's office in Harley Street. He sat in the car and wondered what she was doing behind those net curtains. He pictured her sitting with a magazine, perhaps gazing blankly across the room and thinking of a lost moment in a hotel room in France. At around half past six a middle-aged woman left the house, drawing her coat around her and glancing up, as if checking the sky for rain. She tied a waterproof bonnet over her hair and hurried down the street. The curtains were drawn by an unseen hand and the humid evening gave way to night, but he sat in his Hillman, staring at Number 32.

  He had begun to drift off when at last the front door opened. As he pushed himself upright, she stepped out. It was almost nine o'clock. She was wearing a sleeveless white dress, a little wrap over her shoulders, and walked down the steps carefully, as if she didn't quite trust her feet. Then Stirling was behind her, saying something that Anthony couldn't hear, and she nodded. Then they were climbing into a big black car. As it pulled out into the road, Anthony charged the ignition. He drove into the road, one car behind them, and followed.

  They didn't travel far. The driver paused at the door of a Mayfair casino to let them out. She straightened her dress, then walked inside, taking off her wrap as she went.

  Anthony waited until he was sure Stirling had gone in, then pulled his Hillman into the spot behind the black car. "Park that for me, will you?" he called to the incredulous doorman, threw him the keys, and pressed a ten-shilling note into his hand.

  "Sir? Can I see your membership card?" He was hastening through the lobby when a man in a casino uniform stopped him. "Sir? Your membership card?"

  The Stirlings were about to step into the elevator. He could just see her through the crowd. "I need to speak to someone. I'll be two minutes."

  "Sir, I'm afraid I can't let you in without--"

  Anthony reached into his pocket and pulled out everything in it--wallet, house keys, passport--and dumped it into the man's open hands. "Take it--take it all. I promise I'll only be two minutes." And as the man stared, openmouthed, he pushed his way through the crowd and edged into the lift as the doors closed.

  Stirling was to the right, so Anthony pulled the brim of his hat low over his face, moved past him, and, confident that the man hadn't seen him, edged backward until his own back was pressed to the wall.

  Everyone faced the doors. Stirling, in front of him, was talking to someone he seemed to know. Anthony heard him murmur something about markets, a crisis in credit, the other man's muttered agreement. His own pulse was thumping in his ears, and sweat trickled down his back. She held her bag in front of her with two gloved hands, he
r face composed, only a stray blond strand of hair creeping down from her chignon to confirm that she was human, not some heavenly apparition.

  "Second floor."

  The doors opened, allowing two people out and one man in. The remaining passengers shuffled obligingly, making space for the new arrival. Stirling was still talking, his voice low and sonorous. It was a warm evening, and in the close confines of the lift, Anthony was acutely aware of the bodies around him, the smells of perfume, setting lotion, and Brylcreem that hung in the sticky air, the faint breeze as the doors closed.

  He lifted his head a little and stared at Jennifer. She was less than a foot away, so close that he could detect the spice of her scent and each tiny freckle on her shoulders. He kept staring, until she turned her head a little--and saw him. Her eyes widened, her cheeks colored. Her husband was still deep in conversation.

  She looked at the floor, then her eyes slid back to Anthony's, the rise and fall of her chest revealing how much he'd shocked her. Their eyes met, and in those few silent moments, he told her everything. He told her that she was the most astonishing thing he had ever encountered. He told her that she haunted his waking hours, and that every feeling, every experience he had had in his life up to that point was flat and unimportant compared to the enormity of this.

  He told her he loved her.

  "Third floor."

  She blinked, and they moved apart as a man at the back excused himself, walked between them, and stepped out of the lift. As the gap closed behind him, Anthony reached into his pocket and retrieved the letter. He took a step to his right, and held it out to her behind the evening jacket of a man who coughed, making them jump a little. Her husband was shaking his head at something his companion had said. Both men laughed humorlessly. For a moment, Anthony thought she wouldn't take it from him, but then her gloved hand shot out surreptitiously, and as he stood there, the envelope disappeared into her bag.

  "Fourth floor," said the bellboy. "Restaurant."

  Everyone except Anthony moved forward. Stirling glanced to his right, apparently remembering his wife's presence, and reached out a hand--not in affection, Anthony observed, but to propel her forward. The doors closed behind her, and he was alone as, with the bellboy's cry of "Ground floor," the lift began to descend.

  Anthony had barely expected a response. He hadn't even bothered to check his post until he left his house, late, and found two letters on the mat. He half walked, half ran along the baked, busy pavement, ducking in and out of the nurses and patients leaving the vast St. Bartholomew's Hospital, his suitcase bashing against his legs. He was meant to be at Heathrow by half past two, was barely sure even now how he would make it in time. The sight of her handwriting had induced a kind of shock in him, followed by panic when he realized it was already ten to twelve, and he was at the wrong end of London.

  Postman's Park. Midday.

  There had, of course, been no taxis. He had jumped on the Tube part of the way and run the rest. His shirt, neatly pressed, now stuck to his skin; his hair flopped over his sweaty forehead. "Excuse me," he muttered, as a woman in high-heeled sandals tutted, forced to step out of his way. "Excuse me." A bus stopped, belching purple fumes, and he heard the conductor ring the bell for it to move off again. He hesitated as the passengers poured across the pavement, trying to catch his wind, and checked his watch. It was a quarter past twelve. It was entirely possible she would already have given up on him.

  What the hell was he doing? If he missed this flight, Don would personally see to it that he was on Golden Weddings and Other Anniversaries for the next ten years. They would view it as another example of his inability to cope, a reason to give the next good story to Murfett or Phipps.

  He ducked down King Edward Street, gasping, and then he was in a tiny oasis of peace in the middle of the City. Postman's Park was a small garden, created by a Victorian philanthropist to mark the lives of ordinary heroes. He walked, breathing hard, into the center.

  It was blue, a gently moving swarm of blue. As his vision steadied, he saw postmen in their blue uniforms, some walking, some lying on the grass, a few lined up along the bench in front of the glazed Royal Doulton tablets that commemorated each act of bravery. The postmen of London, freed from their rounds and postbags, were enjoying the midday sun, in their shirtsleeves with their sandwich boxes, chatting, exchanging food, relaxing on the grass under the dappled shade of the trees.

  His breathing had steadied. He dropped his suitcase and fished for a handkerchief, mopped his forehead, then turned in a slow circle, trying to see behind the large ferns, the wall of the church, and into the shadowed enclaves of the office buildings. He scanned the park for a jeweled emerald dress, the flash of pale gold hair that would mark her out.

  She was not there.

  He looked at his watch. Twenty past. She had come and gone. Perhaps she had changed her mind. Perhaps Stirling had found the ruddy letter. It was then that he remembered the second envelope, the one from Clarissa, which he had stuffed into his pocket as he left home. He pulled it out now and read it swiftly. He could never see her handwriting without hearing her tight, disappointed voice or seeing her neat blouses, always buttoned to the neck when she saw him, as if he might gain some advantage from a glimpse of her skin.

  Dear Anthony,

  This is to let you know as a matter of courtesy that I am to be married.

  He felt a vague sense of proprietary shock at the idea that Clarissa might find happiness with someone else. He had thought her incapable of it with anybody.

  I have met a decent man who owns a chain of drapery shops, and he is willing to take on me and Phillip. He is kind, and says he will treat him as his own. The wedding will be in September. This is difficult for me to broach, but you might want to think about how much contact you wish to maintain with the boy. I would like him to be able to live as a normal family, and it may well be that continued, erratic contact with you will make it harder for him to settle.

  Please consider this, and let me know what you think.

  We will not require further financial assistance from you, as Edgar can provide for us. I enclose our new address below.

  Yours sincerely,

  Clarissa

  He read it twice, but it was not until the third time that he grasped what she was proposing: Phillip, his boy, should be brought up by some upright curtain merchant, free from his father's "continued, erratic contact." The day closed in on him. He felt a sudden urgent desire for alcohol, and saw an inn across the road through the park gates.

  "Oh, Christ," he said aloud, his hands dropping to his knees, his head sinking. He stayed there, bent double, for a minute, trying to collect his thoughts, to allow his pulse rate to return to normal. Then, with a sigh, he pushed himself upright.

  She was in front of him. She wore a white dress, patterned with huge red roses, and a pair of oversize sunglasses. She pushed them to the top of her head. A great sigh forced itself from his chest at the sheer sight of her.

  "I can't stay," he began, when he found his voice. "I've got to fly to Baghdad. My plane leaves in--I have no idea how--"

  She was so beautiful, outshining the blooms in their neat borders, dazzling the postmen, who had stopped talking to look at her.

  "I don't . . ." He shook his head. "I can say it all in letters. Then when I see you I--"

  "Anthony," she said, as if she was affirming him to herself.

  "I'll be back in a week or so," he said. "If you'll meet me then, I'll be able to explain. There's so much--"

  But she had stepped forward and, taking his face in her two gloved hands, pulled him to her. There was the briefest hesitation, and then her lips met his, her mouth warm, yielding, yet surprisingly demanding. Anthony forgot the flight. He forgot the park and his lost child and his ex-wife. He forgot the story that his boss believed should have consumed him. He forgot that emotions, in his experience, were more dangerous than munitions. He allowed himself to do as Jennifer demanded: to give himself to her, t
o do it freely.

  "Anthony," she had said, and with that one word, had given him not only herself but a new, better edited version of his future.

  Chapter 8

  DECEMBER 1960

  Once again he wasn't talking to her. For such an undemonstrative man, Laurence Stirling's moods could be perversely mercurial. Jennifer eyed her husband silently over breakfast as he read his newspaper. Although she was downstairs before him, had laid out breakfast as he liked it, he had uttered, in the thirty-three minutes since he had first laid eyes on her that morning, not one word.

  She glanced down at her dressing gown, checked her hair. Nothing out of place. Her scar, which she knew disgusted him, was covered with her sleeve. What had she done? Should she have waited up for him? He had returned home so late the previous evening that she had been only briefly roused by the sound of the front door. Had she said something in her sleep?

  The clock ticked its melancholy way toward eight o'clock, interrupted only by the intermittent rustle of Laurence's newspaper as it was opened and refolded. Outside, she heard footsteps on the front steps, the brief rattle as the postman pushed the mail through the letterbox, then a child's voice, lifted querulously, as it passed the window.

  She attempted to make some remark about the snow, a headline about the increasing cost of fuel, but Laurence merely sighed, as if in irritation, and she said no more.

  My lover wouldn't treat me like this, she told him silently, buttering a piece of toast. He would smile, touch my waist as he passed me in the kitchen. In fact, they probably wouldn't even have breakfast in the kitchen: he would bring a tray of delicious things up to bed, handing her coffee as she awoke, when they would exchange joyous, crumby kisses. In one of the letters, he had written