Ponytopia

by Sarina Dorie

The ponies chattered away at my flank while we trotted through the lollipop forest and into the sugar poppy meadow.

  “Slow down, Dreambeam, we can’t keep up,” Monarch Marmalade panted, falling behind again.

  For the hundredth time, I stopped for the others to catch up. I managed to ignore most of their giggles and conversation, though my ears twitched into alertness when I heard Lemondrop mention my name. “Remember to let Dreambeam do all the talking. Princess Stardrop said we’re too dumb to answer any riddles the guardian of the world asks us.”

  I turned my head over my shoulder to look at the yellow unicorn. “Wait a minute. Are you saying Princess Stardrop told you I had to come on this quest with you?”

  “You may be the ugliest pony in Ponydom since you haven’t a horn or any wings, but you’re definitely the smartest,” Appletini said, swishing her tail about excitedly. “That’s why she said we needed you to be in charge of us.”

  “Yay! Dreambeam is the smartest! Yay!” said Sunshine.

  “So you are saying that Princess Dim—Stardrop said I needed to be in charge? But she also said not to bother since I wasn’t going to come with you. Right?” I considered what Dim-drop’s motivation was. I soon saw all too clearly.

  At the edge of the field, a crumbling stone fence stretched far into the distance on either side of us. Guarding the gate was a marble sphinx almost twice my height. The statue had a lion’s body, an eagle’s wings and a pony’s head. Upon our approach, her mouth opened and she spoke. “Halt. All who wish to pass must answer a question. For those who answer correctly, the reward will be passage to the other side. For those who guess incorrectly, the price will be death.”

  I could see why Princess Dim-drop had wanted her little pawns to take me on their quest. Wouldn’t she be surprised when I outwitted her?

  “What’s the riddle?” Appletini asked.

  “No. We don’t need to hear it. Come on,” I nodded toward a crumbling section of wall farther down. With my strong legs I could easily jump over. The pegasuses would have no trouble, either. The two candy-loaded, out-of-shape unicorns were another matter.

  The sphinx went on. “What is the most magical source of power located in the Gardens of Ponydom?”

  Sunshine squealed. “I know the answer. Friendship is m—”

  I didn’t hear the rest of the answer. Marmalade screamed as the sphinx’s eyes glowed red.

  “Run!” I screamed.

  It was too late.

  A beam of light shot out of the statue’s eyes and focused on Sunshine Twinkles. I stared in horror as the pegasus melted into a puddle of sticky, white glue. The ponies shrieked with panic and ran off, leaving me rooted to the spot.

  Though, not with fear. Fury swelled in my core.

  That death had been meant for me. Not that I would have answered the question. Sunshine, on the other hand, was a gullible airhead. If she hadn’t listened to all the horse shit the princess fed her, she still might have been standing beside me giggling in her annoying way. She may have been a twit, but that didn’t mean she deserved to be turned into glue.

  “I repeat the question.” The sound of the sphinx’s voice made my blood boil with anger. “What is the most magical—”

  “Oh no! Let me ask you a question, you asinine piece of rock. What do you think gives you the right to do that to some innocent, little pony?”

  The stone statue remained expressionless. “That is not the way it works. I ask the questions. What is the—”

  I reared up on my hind legs and kicked the statue in the face. Fractures split in different directions, the nose falling off. With another powerful blow, I sent the head flying off.

  The trembling ponies tentatively returned to my side. I turned to go back. “Let Princess Dim-drop get her own goddamned ring back.”

  “No, Dreambeam. We have to keep going. We’re almost there.” Lemondrop swished her tail from side to side in agitation.

  Marmalade blubbered through her tears. “It’s what Sunshine would have wanted.”

  Princess Dim-drop must have known that insulting me would compel me to join the ponies on their quest. Not so different from the way she’d manipulated me into going to the birthing ceremony. What if I did manage to get my hoof on Dim-drop’s ring? Could I use its powers to get back at her? To expose her as the manipulative, power-hungry pony she was?

  We passed through the stone gate without further problem. On the other side, the towering trees sparkled with glittering leaves and shimmering trunks. A slight improvement from the lollipop forest, but still a little too over-the-top enchanted for my taste.

  I dropped behind, attempting to console Marmalade as she sobbed none too quietly. “I’m sorry about what happened to Sunshine. I know you two were close.”

  Her wings fluttered feebly and she sniffled. “We were lovers.”

  Closer than I’d imagined. But hey, what alternatives were there if heaven had no stallions? “Um, that’s nice. Well, I can’t claim I know what you’re going through because I don’t have friends. If there’s one thing I’ve learned here in the Gardens of Ponydom, it’s that friendship is tragic.”

  She let out a long, agonizing wail. I probably wasn’t the pony most renowned for her tact and amazing social graces. I trotted ahead, nudging Lemondrop. She and Appletini nodded and sank back to comfort Marmalade. I set a steady pace the others could keep up with.

  The path through the conifers ascended higher as we trotted on. I considered all the vile things I wanted to say to the phony pony who lorded over us. I wondered what she would do if I kicked her right in that golden horn, knocking it off. Then again, the alicorn, the magical substance unicorn’s horns were made from, was probably so tough it would crack my hoof.

  I wasn’t the only one in a contemplative mood.

  “Princess Stardrop would never have kicked the face off a statue for one of us lowly unicorns,” Lemondrop whispered none-too-quietly in that shrill voice of hers.

  So they’d just realized their dictator wasn’t the friend they’d imagined. I wondered how that was going to go over when they returned. Would they become free thinkers and outcasts like me, or pretend this hadn’t happened in order to blend in with the herd again?

  Trees grew around craggy boulders beside the path. I slowed, allowing the unicorns to come up beside me as we reached the top of a hill. I asked, “What other ‘advice’ did the princess give you other than I needed to be in charge and answer the sphinx’s questions?”

  Appletini blew air out of her lips in a slow, meditative gesture foreign to her usual empty-headedness. “She said if you’re still with us, you should announce your presence to the dragon.”

  Lemondrop rubbed her horn against the trunk of a tree, marring the bark with scratches. “Hmm. I wonder why the princess wouldn’t think you’d be with us.”

  I rolled my eyes at her dimness. Marmalade dropped down from above, landing beside us and catching her breath. I considered the more pressing matter. “Why would I announce my presence? So a dragon would wake up and eat me?”

  The ponies nervously shook their heads.

  “Princess Stardrop would never harm one of her sisters intentionally,” Marmalade said with confidence. She rose into the air and lifted her chin with stubborn dignity. “She is our leader and guardian. She is a pegacorn. She knows best.”

  The unicorns exchanged glances, obviously not convinced.

  “What did she really promise you for going on this quest?” I asked. When none of them answered, I stomped my hoof. “Well?”

  “She predicted that if we didn’t go to the Edge of the World, our horns and wings would shrivel up and disappear and we’d turn into, well, we’d become—” Appletini glanced at my plain forehead and looked away.

  “Like me?” I asked. “And you were willing to risk your lives rather than become a mere pony?”

  The unicorns shuddered more closely together. Lemondrop’s voice quivered. “She didn’t say
anyone would get hurt.”

  Marmalade glanced doubtfully at me as she hovered. “The princess wouldn’t have sent us on this mission had she not deemed each of us to be the bravest and most worthy of ponies.”

  I shook my head and snorted. “Nor would she have sent you if she hadn’t thought you were the dimmest. You do realize your nice, pegacorn leader blackmailed you, don’t you?”

  Marmalade rose higher into the air. “How dare you say such things about the princess.”

  I shrugged. “I call it like I see it.”

  Marmalade’s voiced deepened in mock amusement. “Oooo, I’m Dreambeam. I’m soooo special because I don’t need wings or a horn or even friends. I’m better than everyone because—Aaaaagh!”

  A long green neck peeked around the corner of an immense boulder. Saliva dripped from the razor-sharp teeth.

  “Get down!” I cried.

  I was too late. The dragon chomped down on Marmalade and swallowed her whole. Not another pony. A sudden lump in my throat made it hard to breathe.

  Slowly I backed away, hoping not to be spotted. I might have escaped into the dense trees without notice had the two unicorns behind me not squealed and tripped over each other in fear.

  The dragon cleared his throat, his voice deep and rumbling as thunder. “That was Dreambeam, right?” he asked. “Princess what’s-her-face didn’t say she was a pegasus. She said she was a, you know, plain pony.” His gaze roved over my wingless back.

  “Actually—” Lemondrop began.

  “Shut up.” I quickly hoofed her in the side. “Yeah, you got the right pony.”

  The dragon scratched his head with a curled, black claw. “This is some kind of trick, isn’t it?”

  “Tee hee,” I said in what I hoped sounded like my most air-headed voice. “We’re just three silly, little unicorns. Excuse us for a moment. We need to have a girl talk.”

  His eyes narrowed.

  I backed up, Lemondrop and Appletini following my lead. With one eye on the dragon, I lowered my voice so only those two could hear me. “That dragon is bigger and faster than us. We have no hope of escaping.” And if those two unicorns did escape, they surely would get themselves killed by whatever obstacle came next. “Our only chance for survival is finding the weakest place on his belly. All dragons are missing a scale or two here or there. That’s their Achilles heel, the place an arrow—or a unicorn with a sharp horn—could strike. I will distract the dragon. You two will need to sneak around him and try to find a weak spot.”

  Appletini buried her head in my mane. She whinnied higher than usual. “I don’t know if this is a good idea. What if he swallows us?”

  “Hey!” the dragon roared. “Only two of you are unicorns. You don’t got no horn.”

  I flicked Appletini and Lemondrop with my tail, ushering them forward. “Avoid the teeth. If he swallows you, you can use your horns to cut your way out. That will kill him for certain.” I turned to the dragon. “Since you can see they have horns, you don’t mind if they pass then, do you then?”

  The dragon ignored them as they skittishly skirted around him. He licked his lips, eyeing my hornless head. I swallowed.

  I came up with the best I could on the spur of the moment. “Actually, I’m a unicorn too. You just can’t see my horn right now because it’s invisible.”

  “No way,” he said, his neck slipping closer. His body was so low to the ground now I feared there would be no way the unicorns could inspect his belly for missing scales.

  I swallowed my fear and head my head high. “Yes, I am. In fact, I also have wings, but those are invisible to some people, too. Only natural leaders can see those, you know, like Princess Di—Stardrop. And probably you, right?”

  He swiveled his neck around me, inspecting my back, no doubt. I stayed alert, turning to face him. I thought he was about to take the bait and we wouldn’t need the unicorns to intervene.

  Suddenly flames shot out his mouth. I ducked down and veered to the left. As more fire burst from his nose, it became obvious he wasn’t aiming at me. He roared and rolled over, taking a few trees with him. Writhing in agony, he attempted to snatch at his tail. I flinched back, afraid he might crush me. Neither of the unicorns were in sight? Had he squashed them? I circled around, shouting their names, but the dragon’s roars drowned out my voice.

  I caught sight of a set of neon green hind legs disappearing under the dragon’s tail. OMG. When I had said to find the dragon’s weak spot, I had no idea they would take me so literally. As disturbing as their solution was, they’d certainly been creative. The dragon clawed at his belly. Arcs of flame spurted from his mouth. Some of the nearest trees were on fire. I dodged out from under a falling branch. The dragon’s convulsions turned into quivers which died away. He fell limp to the forest floor. Something poked out of his belly. No, two somethings poked out of his belly. Two gold horns sawed through the dragon belly from the inside.

  By the time the two unicorns emerged from his entrails, they were covered in something definitely worse than malt balls. Cinders from burning pine needles rained down on us.

  “Appletini, you’re so brave,” Lemondrop said, licking what I hoped was chocolate from her friend’s muzzle.

  “I couldn’t have done it without you, my love,” Appletini said, getting a few licks of her own in there.

  That time I actually did puke in the bushes. Afterward, I found Marmalade in the remnants of the stomach. She hadn’t been swallowed as whole as I had thought. Another of the princess’s victims. My heart clenched.

  A burning branch from above fell inches from my hind legs. I turned to the unicorns still caught up in their flirting. “You two go back the way we came before it’s too late. I’ll get Princess Dim—ahem, her ring for her.” And then she would be sorry.

  Though, I wasn’t exactly sure how I could use the ring. I had no horn. Maybe I could swallow it. Then she’d have to go through my chocolate malt balls for a week to try to get it back.

  “We can’t abandon you, Dreambeam. You’re almost like a friend to us now, even if you don’t have a horn,” Appletini said.

  “Um, thanks, I think,” I said. We had worked together as a team. I didn’t like the idea of endangering them further, but perhaps we were safer together. Who knew what kind of trouble they’d get themselves into without me. “Okay, you two stay behind me.”

  The trail in the sparkling trees dipped down before flattening out. The conifers grew less dense until petering off completely. A ledge of sparkling crystal stretched out in each direction. Soft, white clouds in a sapphire sky lay behind. So there really was an Edge of the World.

  “Okay, where’s the ring?” I scanned the glittering rock face, seeing nothing on the smooth surface. Just as I was about to scream about the pointlessness of this mission, that there never had been a ring of power in the first place, a man’s voice came from behind a tree.

  “You mean this ring?” Out stepped a round human with a white apron and chef hat, holding a tray of muffins.

  The Evil Cupcake King held up his free hand and waggled his fingers, sunlight glinting off the ring on his finger.

  “The ring! Yay!” said Appletini.

  Lemondrop pranced around me. “Yay! Yay!”

  “Stardrop didn’t lose that ring, did she?” My eyes narrowed with suspicion. She either gave it to him because he was another one of her accomplices, or he was her enemy and had stolen it from her.

  He gave a great belly laugh, his middle shaking as though he’d consumed a few too many baked goods in his time. “This was never Stardrop’s ring. It was mine. I retrieved it before she kicked me out of the Gardens of Ponydom.”

  “And the magic?” I asked, considering how I might make best use of it.

  “Is all used up. You don’t think she would have left it lying around if it really had power left, do you?”

  I stomped my hoof in exasperation. How was I supposed to defeat that pony killer now?

&nbs
p; “Would you care for a muffin, my pretty little ponies?” he asked.

  The unicorns backed up, stepping precariously close to the edge of the cliff. “Nay! They’re poison. Princess Stardrop said they are forbidden.”

  I bent my head and scratched my chin on the quartz at my feet. That didn’t quite add up. “If they’re poison, what is the point in making them forbidden?”

  “Ho, ho, ho!” the Possibly Evil Cupcake King said. “They aren’t poison. Stardrop just doesn’t want you to eat them because then your greatest wish will come true and you’ll grow wings and become a pegacorn, just like her. Or wings and a horn in your case.” He winked at me.

  I nodded. This made more sense than what she had told us. Still, I wasn’t ready to trust this human yet. “Yeah? So are you saying you fed them to Stardrop?”

  He sighed and sat dejectedly on a fallen log, the tray of muffins perched on one knee. “Once, long ago, Stardrop was a common pony . . . my pony and dearest friend. For many a year, it was just her and I. Then she tasted my muffins and she changed into what you see today. She learned my ways of magic. She stole my ring for granting wishes.

  “If only I could share my muffins with the other ponies. I could turn you all into pegacorns so that you would be equals.”

  I wasn’t sure that was the answer. A bully like Stardrop would find some other way to differentiate herself and claim superiority. If it wasn’t horns or wings, maybe it would be the color pink. What I needed was that ring.

  “I want to eat a muffin and become a pegacorn!” Lemondrop cried.

  “Yay for pegacorns! I want a muffin too. I say we bring them back to share with all of Ponydom. Yay!”

  I shook my head. “You do realize that if she didn’t already intend to get rid of you after witnessing my demise, she will definitely turn you into glue for challenging her power by coming back as pegacorns,” I said. “If I eat a muffin and then go back . . . well, she already wants me dead. I can’t see my situation getting worse.” On the other hand, the cupcake/muffin man might be lying and they truly could be poison. As it was, death by cupcake might be a better end. I was already stuck in this candy-coated prison, surrounded by fluorescent ponies without two brain cells to rub together. Defeating Dim-drop would only solve one of my problems.